Feeling so low but I'm alive

hi gary, paul here, the after effects of this problem, are extremely difficult to live with. Its taken me financially to rock bottom, (my youngest son who has no private pension (aged 34) used to say you are my pension dad, which I was) but now having squandered £K100 in six years means i have to live a nomadic existence and he will have a shock when i pass away. An example of this problem is that i spent £13.33 at asda tonight for a weeks food and drink , the result of losing £K12 on 27/10/14. Utter madness which creates a crazy situation where I am skrimping on all essentials. The future is bleak, but no debt, so a baby step at a time. You need to focus on keeping what you have and giving your daughters a reasonable Xmas, doesn't have to be extravagant, just enough, but if you lose any more, there wont be a happy xmas. Sorry to be tough but the quitting ain't easy. - Paul

Cheers Paul. Puts things into perspective for me. My girls have to come first. Thanks for your advice, yes it's not their fault and Xmas will be ok if I keep it together. Not if , I will now I'm determined.

Its hard all on here are fighting battles at various stages. I have respect for you mate to keep yourself debt free. That's a good place to be. Are things getting better for you as each day goes by. I know financially it's hurting for u and I but are you feeling a bit Better in yourself? How's your relationship now? It's hard with a partner isn't it to dissapoint them.

Cheers Gary

Hi Gary, my relationship now ........................................ I will post tomorrow on that situation its too long a thread to do late at nite. I think this threading between us is doing some good. It helps to expunge those demons a little. I'm not telling you what to do Gary, but as you go to bed tonite, open the bedroom doors where your daughters are sleeping and say to yourself, in years to come I want these beautiful girls to be proud of me, 'NOT TRYING TO FIND ME ON THE STREETS' sorry tough words but you have gambled in the last three days. Quit now , its bloody painful, but the future consequences .............................................. Catch you tomorrow mate. Paul

Keep going mate - you're stronger than you think. You say you could easily stay in bed all day - but you didnt did you. You say you know youre battling an illness - but then said you want to move forward. You see, you are making positive responses to your initial negative thoughts. Thats strength my friend. You will find a bit more every day, I am proud of you that tomorrow you can say "day 2 of no gambling". When I hit my rock bottom I felt utterly worthless, loathed myself for what I had become, and some days felt "who would care if I wasnt here", I felt my family and friends wouldnt want to know the lowlife that I had become and had hid from them, when they all thought I was the usual cheery, level headed, loving person I had been all my life. The toll of how I kept up the deception was draining. I felt I had let everyone down and if they knew the truth they would despair of me, loathe me and my biggest dread, disown me. Then i remembered the saying "To the world you may be one person ... but to one person you ARE the world". It stopped the awful "what if I wasnt here" thoughts because I am so lucky to be in the position of knowing that to someone, they have told me I mean the world. And thats what you are to your girls, how lucky are we to have that privilege. When I sat and really thought long and hard about my life at my rock bottom moment, knowing someone loved me, faults and all, gave me even more of a spur to kick this evil into touch. Go on Gary ... beautiful daughters AND a loving girlfriend? You lucky so and so!! Good good good luck pal

Hi I am new here and yours is one of the first posts I have read. I feel your pain. It is hell. But you have made a massive step in admitting you need help and that you need to stop! We know how the story goes if you dont stop you will loose every penny you have and more. It is hard so hard to take these first steps but I know it will get easier. I have blown somehwere in the region of 1.2 millon in gambling over the space of a number of years. Not counting the cars sold on, homes repossessed and the loss of a business. Rock bottom sucks but it also allows us to start afresh. Which by the sounds of it is exactly what you want to do. I remember been sat on a huge amount of money like you have been. And how it slowly got drained away into the welcoming hands of the casinos. Then one day there was nothing left. This is your chance now to change your life. I am rooting for you and wish you well!! all the best D.

Day 2.

Had a really bad night. Had night sweats and woke up feeling like c**P. But then read the latest posts from Russ and Deano. Thanks guys your thoughts have given me a lift this morning. I am going to concentrate on what I have. Taking this one day at a time.

Gary

Paul

Cheers for your message mate. I did look in on my girls b4 i went to sleep. I love them so much and I have a responsibility to them. They don't know anything about my problem and it has to stay that way, I do want them to be proud of me.

Have a good day mate and message me later.

Gary

HI Gary I have been in your place many times! The sleepless nights or nights bad sleeps. Waking up and it all hits you. The losses the waste. But that will recede and fade away when you have a few days / weeks gamble free. You will re-adjust and heal from the losses. But wise to remember how awful it feels on mornings like today. That can be your friend in the future when you get the urge to gamble. I also woke up today feeling down about yesterday but you know what I cant change it so I am going to fight it! You can do the same. Today will pass. And think how it will feel if you go through today without gambling ... and yes take it one day at a time. 1 Hour at a time if need be ...all the best Deeno

Hi gary, hope your working day has gone OK (concentration levels are tough after large gambling losses). I am still at work till five, and having spent so much time on Gamcare this week, I need to put a shift in over next 90 minutes. So I did say I would tell you my whole story but because I need an hour to type it, it will have to wait till next week. As per my previous thread I don't post at week-ends, its where my girlfriend comes into the equation. So I hope you have a OK week-end Gary, (no more gambling) if you get the urge, go for a walk anywhere, catch up late Sunday night mate. - Paul

Thanks Paul no worries.

Weve got through another week. A tough week and one I don't want again on the gambling front. Positve on here though and we can support each other.

I feel unsettled and out of sorts. Off out to a firework display with my girlfriend tonight. Hoping for a better weekend.

looking forward to hearing more of your story mate. Have a good weekend with your girlfriend and speak soon

Gary

Day 4 Not gambled.

Had a weekend with my g/f really nice and she has generally been supportive. Kept the spending down and just enjoyed each other's company. All was good until this afternoon when we started talking holidays for next year. Basically we've been together for about 7 months. Well a few months ago we talked about having our 1st holiday next year without the kids (we are both divorced). Well that was fine then as I was well up on my profit ?? From gambling. Since lost £23k so it's really hard. I told her I couldn't do the holiday next year. It was hard as she wasn't happy. She knows I've lost money and am fighting the addiction but I haven't told her of the big loss.

its very sobering and I can't stop blaming myself. Also I'm supposed to be buying a house for me and my girls but am going to have to pull out I think. I've gone from £48k to £24k.

I know there are people on here who may think I'm okay as I have no debt but it bloody hurts. Why do we f**k our lives up?? Also worrying again about Xmas. I just want some of that money back but not going to gamble to get it.

I'm feeling a bit better physically after this weekend and had better sleeping.

Its going to be a long year next year .....

Gary

Just a note to add I'm 45 years old and the £24k is now my entire life savings. I have a good salary but do not own a house now after divorce and I'm renting, so starting again ....

Hi Gary, Paul here, my weekend has been pretty good with my girlfriend, as you we spent very little. (as xmas is coming) I can really relate to a number of your comments, the utter pain of the losses (its knowing what you could have properly done with that money instead of seeking a financial dream through a stupid computerised game.) the fact you have £K24 at 45, and I have £K40 at 57, (not great) but we both have no debt. It also really hurts me, that financially i have messed up (as you), but to carry on gambling now, i think will only lead to a catastrophe in our lives. We both know we have come to the point of no return. We have to stop. You say you have a good salary, how much do you reckon you could save a month at a push ?.

Hi Paul glad to here that u had a good weekend mate with your g/f. It's nice to do have some quality time without the ups and downs emotions of gambling.

in answer to your question I have been here working out a recovery savings plan whilst still being able to live normally. I reckon I could save £400 per month.

Im currently renting a 3 bed house which costs £750 month plus utility bills of £420 on top. My girls stay every other w/end and 1 evening a week.

I have just done a plan b to live in a bedsit could save loads doing this I think about £1000 mth but wouldn't be able to have my girls stay. I worked out I could save loads over 18 months.

its mad really but I don't know? Would welcome any advice Paul.

Cheers Gary

ps looking forward to your long story mate ......

Hi Gary, glad you are looking to the future and planning. It sounds like to have a reasonably well paid job. I could offer you impartial financial advice (bit of a joke coming from a gambler !!) But i do it to many for a living !!. I initially think from your last thread, a:- you are moving forward in your thinking away from gambling which is great, b:- you need your kids in your life so ............................................ a bedsit probably not a good idea. My story will come when I have a spare typing hour !! Paul