Feeling so low but I'm alive

Hi Paul,

Sounds like the councelling goings well mate. Thanks for sharing with me it's really helpful. The mental head state I can really relate to that. So it likes like there's light at the end of the tunnel. V tough road for us but we keep going. I think we both have that!!

I heard a quote once maybe Churchill 'when your going through hell keep going'. That's it.

didnt watch any football this week. I am keeping away from all sport ATM and will maybe start watching MOTD at some point. Although I am taking my middle daughter to Wembley on Sunday to watch England women v Germany. Bought the tickets a while ok so looking forward to that.

Have you got much planned for the weekend? Hope your ok pal.

Look forward to your next post

Gary

Hi Paul

you okay mate? You didn't post yesterday. Is everything alright.

gary

Hi Gary sorry for yesterday got so busy at work which was good for my head but didn't, allow me to post on here! Well the weekend is here off to my girlfriends again, its her birthday soon so we will be celebrating a little! Gambling has been at the back of my thoughts for a couple of days due to work pressures which I suppose is good. Guess when I look at the available funds reality will soon come home again. Have you been to Wembley for the game with your daughter yet or is it tomorrow. Hope you both enjoy it, kits been a tough 4 weeks but I am nearly there a month without gambling, be strong mate don't think about odds or anything connected with the evil issue. Post again Sunday night, take care Gary.

16 days back to zero now : (

Had a day off today busy this morning but had this afternoon free. Ended up gambling. Initially one about £200 and thinking it was ok. Eventually lost of course and gambled more than I should £1400 gone just like that.

I had an appointment with a mortgage adviser and was late as I had my last bet on a horse race.

Got to my appointment feeling well I don't know what, angry, hurt, in the gutter. Don't know how I done it.

Well I'm sat here now not looking forward to the weekend. Going out to the cinema and a meal with my g/friend tonight and I could just stay in on my own now and wallow in my self pity.

Why? I just like hurt and punish myself. I'm now back to square one only worse....

looking for some encouragement something positive to hang onto. My savings are being drastically reduced. Still got some to put 10% on a house and a couple of grand in the bank, but the way I'm going it's not going to happen.

i just don't know what to do

Gary

Well just got in. My g/friend knew there was something wrong so I told her I gambled. She wasn't happy. Didn't tell her the amount but she was so let down by me. She brought up the fact that we can't go on holiday next year as I didn't have the money but I still went ahead and gambled.

Well I think that's it for us now. I've just dropped her off at hers and come home. She said it's over and she can't deal with me messing up her life and family. She told me I better sort things or I'll lose my daughters.

Just feeling numb can't take it in really.

Update, well today I gambled again to try and recover losses. V dangerous but ended up winning £2k. I also withdraw it and self excluded.

So need to be the last bet. Also my girlfriend said it's not over and wants to talk so we'll see....

crazy 24 hours so up and down all self inflicted again.

will post tomorrow.

Gary

Feeling much better today. Feels like a new start. Seen my g/friend last nite and we had a good chat so we are still together. I've self excluded from the 2 on line sites I still had open. Off to watch football with my daughter later.

Day 1 again.

Gary

Hi Gary, I was going to ask how are you, but I can see you are as you say topsey-turvey and all over the place. After your win, you really need to quit or your girlfriends words will come back to haunt you 'loss of your daughters'. Its really hard to quit this gambling addication but you and I are getting close to the savings/no savings/debt scenario. You need to stop mate, sound like your girlfrriend really wants you, whats more important a quick fix due to a good win, or longevity with a loving partner?. I see England women lost, hope your daughter enjoyed it though. I'll bring you up to speed on my week-end tomorrow. Hope you manage to get some sleep, Paul

Hi Paul,

Thanks for your post. Was dreading it a bit as felt like I let the side down. This daily posting is good for accountability and all the things you said are right. Think I fell foul of the money/time/location scenario. It was a nightmare 24 hours.

The football was good my daughter really enjoyed it. I did manage to sleep last nite. Felt low today but have daughters with me tonite and enjoying there company.

looking forward to hearing about your weekend mate and also part 2 of your story.

Have you got councelling this week?

Gary

Hi Gary, its late but i just wanted to touch base and say thanks for this continuing thread. The week-end was my girlfriends birthday and she had a really nice time , plenty of presents (quite a few from me, maybe not so many in the future cause the funds have gone). I do have counselling this week, it does put things into perspective money v health , or say the money you have lost may have gone on a holiday in Australia, but when you come back from the holiday , you don't have the money left only a memory, so bookies took the money not Australia. Difficult to put into words, sorry,. I will tell you the rest of my story just need a clear head and loads of typing time. Catch u tomorrow mate. -Paul

Just checking in in a rush tonite.

not a bad day and no gambling.

how are you Paul?

Gary

Hi Gary, you said you won 2k. Having been in that situation lots of times, I would say that you are now even in more danger of returning to gambling. I've won big sums in the past and only ever lost them and ten folds more as a result of the win. I've only ever been able to stop after big losses, never after a win. I hope you do it, but I just think we should see that we are more in danger than ever after a win.

Hi Gary, i'm ok no gambling and looking forward to seeing my counsellor tonight, in our sessions together she does give me hope and inspiration that there is a way forward after gambling losses. When i leave her after an hour she does make me feel more positive, roll on five tonight. I think Judderman makes a very valid point in his last thread to you, it's the mindset 'a win' another win and so on. Catch u later or tomorrow mate, stay gambling free.

Well it's the end of another week.

Hope your doing okay Paul. How was the councelling and are you beginning to feel a bit more settled? I hope you are mate and keep walking the good walk.

Im still very much up and down but managed to stay gamble free. It's payday today so I took the decision to pay off my balance of my credit card £216 remaining from an old gambling loan.

That puts me debt free but my level of savings are still causing me distress. I need to adjust to this new level. I have worked out an 18 month plan to save but keep thinking about the quick fix.

Anyways have a gr8 weekend and speak soon.

gary

Hi Gary, i'm still abstaining but like you the pain from large losses is really tough to take, the mind set of me and you and all the gamblers everywhere, is one more big win and it will be the last, but it never is. We can't stop once we start, that is why we are on here because we have all reached a crisis point where we want to stop, we want to draw a line under it all - but can we?. I hope so for me and for you, don't forget you have dependants, they will need you in the future (financially and mentally.) So for them stay strong mate. Counselling was good, we were trying to understand 'my triggers' to start the gambling, we haven't quite got there yet, but she is very good for me and I enjoy my Wednesday sessions. Have a gamble free week-end mate. Catch u Monday. - Paul.