For many years I struggled with a gambling addiction, online gambling - casinos - slot machines - poker games - the lot. For the last 10 years I’ve been pretty much abstained from gambling and it would rarely enter my thoughts. In the last weeks it came back with a vengeance. Or probably better to say, it crept up on my and took over before I’d really noticed what was happening. Yesterday was full on gambling day, in a slot machine arcade for 10 hours. Last night my old thought patterns of “never again”, “why did I do that” and the classic “why didn’t i stop” were whizzing around my head
When I sat down for my morning meditation I wanted to try to understand more about my slip. I know my addiction is closely linked to “attachment” in Buddhism. The idea that we over emphasise the good qualities of an object and see it as a source of happiness. I tried a slight variation on a regular analytical meditation, I made a pros and cons list for 1 hour. After the hour, I felt like I’d taken a significant step in reframing gambling in my mind. The analysis that worked for me won’t necessary work or connect with you but I wanted to share this so maybe you’d create your own list and it could help you with your struggle. I’ve hardly edited my list, wanted you to understand about the process. I’m not trying to persuade anyone against any other type of recovery, just maybe a new tool to add to your arsenal. I wish all of you the very best with your recovery.
Pros
- flashing lights
- reward mechanisms linked in brain
- pleasure
- numbness
- excitement
- flow
- possible gain that seems likely
- got enough money to stand losing
- f**k it attitude.
- feel this is the only thing that can help.
- run away from uncomfortable feeling
- control over life
-a place to go where I'd always be welcome, never rejected, I had what I needed to stay there.
-Seemed like a dream object. Comfort and gloss and excitement.
Cons
- spiral into ruin. First step. Seeds for future ruin. From flashing lights to despair. Digging a hole that very hard to get out of.
- you aren't actually doing anything. Time with a machine, computer with money you could have done such cooler stuff.
- leads to shameful actions in future.
- attachment, see good qualities - illusory.
- many other people fooled. Many have fought desire and abstained
- it becomes a locked in behaviour. Only this behaviour will do.
- alternative purchase can give much longer lasting pleasure
- faulty thinking. Solders brain circuits into bad pattern
- takes away choices for other forms of expression.
- sticking plaster on bigger problems. Feelings of boredom, emptiness, loneliness
- actually gives control away. Like marrying a gold digger. Machine only wants your money, will never say stop.
- behind flashing lights
- is that the kind of person you want to be?
- tip of iceberg
- no failsafe or stop mech. Brain locks in and won't let go.
- can't answer the problem. It pretends to but then gives bonus terrible problem that then creates 10 more problems. Robs of choice.
- Grief machine
- you and others lived happy life for years without these objects
- designed to fool. 'Almost' wins fools brain - very carefully designed. Machine, environment and sound. Loses are quiet and over quick, wins loud and drawn out. Always pushing 'nothing is wrong'.
- see machine in head without covers on. See windows screen or reels or mechanics, lifted up.
- wolf in sheeps clothing
- deep seeds of attachment back 35 years, know this .
- short term pleasure of 10%, future pain 1000%. Takes all effort to make money and forces into months of servitude to client. Seems like life of ease but it's disease.
deep trench of neural pathway which gets stronger if give in. Building a sadness road in mind that puts into automatic. Building road over cliff which looks like it's to pleasure palace. It's a mirage. Part of you thinks - rather have mirage than nothing but that's not the choice, it's ...
1.Mirage + grief future misery
2. Nothing and uncomfortable feelings
Choose number 2!
Imagine the broken homes, suicides and ruined lives laid out in front of arcades and casinos and gaming computers. It's not a 'game', it's a racket. You think - 'how can people get fooled by confidence tricksters?'. You were.
-One point that really stuck with me was an old memory from a slot machine arcade, a man had pushed me out the way of the machine and stole £5 of my winnings. I hit me like a truck, the gambling machines had robbed me of over £100000 in my life yet i still craved them. The lunacy of my situation made me gasp! I was nervous while playing of getting my winning stolen as I fed £20 after £20 into the thief computer in front of me.
Hello bobgeorge,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts about your recent lapse.
Your detailed list includes much that other forum members may recognise from their own experience, as well as many thoughts and perspectives that may be helpful to bring to mind to dispel fantasies about gambling and to strengthen motivation for recovery.
Please feel welcome to continue using the forum and to call the GamCare advisers on our freephone or netline, if you'd like more support for maintaining your recovery.
Thanks again for sharing,
Adam.
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