I managed to stay one year without a bet, relapsed, then did another 5 months and relapsed again. I always gambled my own money which I was not proud of. But this time everything got out of control, I almost lost my mind. Gambled my savings, gambled overdraft, gambled credit cards and left with nothing. Nothing. I managed to take a large loan to pay back all and to get back on track, rebuild my life - I am unemployed (I want to get a job but at the moment I am a total wreck and I need to regain my self esteem - after that I will be able to get a new job - and I feel that it will take me some time). From the loan of 15K I played 2K until I realised that I will lose everything. I was gambling because I was hooked and I was believing I will recover the money lost. But we all know that this won’t happen ever. I realised too late this but, still, realised and stopped. I still have money left and I don’t want to gamble anymore because I know I will lose. The thought of me paying back the loan over the course of 5 years is killing me and I feel like I am trapped. I can not talk with anyone, not with my family, not with my girlfriend (we don’t live together and we don’t share finances). If I will tell them my life it is finished for good. Since I last played (which was Wednesday evening) I feel a bit better because I am trying to self motivating myself that I am still in an ok position but I know now I will be in debt for the next 5 years and this gives me a constant fear, I don’t know what to expect from now on. I was thinking and say it to myself (maybe with the reason to feel somehow better) that the monthly payment towards the creditors, which is substantial for me and it will be 17% of a normal wage, I will take it as it is - pay it and think why do I pay for: I pay for me staying gamble free, I pay because it helped me to get out of the mess I put myself into and I pay for me being alive. So this is gonna be my monthly payment.
How do I get out of my mind these scary thoughts of me having to pay back the debt for the next 5 years? I know I need to accept everything and to accept the things I’ve done but this is a bit too much for an ordinary person like me.
Sorry for the long post and thank you for reading until the very last letter.
Welldone mate being 1 year clean thats a great achievement, first thing first get your blocked if it online get Gamban moses for bookies sense for casino this will help has it will make it more difficult for u to gamble second step you need to confide in someone close to about the gambling just like you i managed 3 years without a bet until i had a major relapse and got myself in debt for the first time since gambling the difference now i took my recovery more seriously i learnt no matter how much time passes i will never be able to bet in a safe mannor and coming on most days is enough to keep my mind fresh that i am still a gambling addict, i am on day 654 days without a bet and i have managed to clear my debt however i feel im in much better position as am aware i can slip at anytime urgues can come and i am more prepared to ask for extra support if required having this peace of mind i feel like progress is being made and it the only chance i have to remain positive i wish their was a drug or some form of therpy to take my addiction away sadly i will live it on a postive note my life is great and 100 better then when i was gambling regardless hoe the gamblimg went i would alway end up worse off then i began and the mental trauma along with the time wasted you too can do this too, start a diary on here to help keep u in check one thing i learnt never get complacent one bet is too many and if u have an urgur come a read the threads the temptation will always be their you need to find a way to not give into those urgues and by making it difficult to gamble will make it just that bit easier
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