I know Rome wasnt built in a day and I know as a recovering gambler I know that trust isnt given lightly but I've not gambled for 135 days and it has been tough going especially with the lockdown, yes I failed twice previous but this is the longest I've gone. Both me and my partner lost our jobs because of covid so we have had to claim uc not the best but it's something and we are finding it hard yet it has given me a new appreciation for money. However falling on hard times I've had to ask my mother to borrow money and she keeps asking me if I'm gambling again which I understand why she is asking but it gets right under my skin and makes me feel frustrated. I dont want much just for her to beleive me that I'm no longer that person I was 135 days ago, it's like I get a feeling that she wants me to fail, which is probably wrong but I cant help thinking like this. What do I do? How can i get past this for the next time if there is a next time that she asks.
Hi (@workman)
With regards to your comment:
"I've had to ask my mother to borrow money and she keeps asking me if I'm gambling again which I understand why she is asking but it gets right under my skin and makes me feel frustrated. I dont want much just for her to beleive me that I'm no longer that person I was 135 days ago, it's like I get a feeling that she wants me to fail, which is probably wrong but I cant help thinking like this".
Firstly I fully understand and accept how you feel about this; from personal experience.
Clearly your mother care's about you. I would say that is is most certainly that she would have been through emotional pain and feelings of helplessness knowing that her son had got caught up in the destructive behaviour that is gambling; and all the negative stuff that comes with it.
Your feelings are important, equally so are those of others that care for you.
At a Gamblers Anonymous (GA) meeting, over two years ago, I shared my own experience very similar to yours. I explained that I felt like it was a kick in the teeth, and that the previous 12 months seemed like it was a waist of time, and I felt - hurt, and not trusted! A long standing member replied with this comment:
'I like your mum... She obviously care's for you deeply, and I don't think you appreciate the pain she had gone through watching helpless as you repeatedly lost control of your life through gambling'
That was the epiphany; the moment that I finally realised that my pain and misery was not just experienced by myself... but by those who care for, and love me (and I hadn't realised this before).
I really hope you getting 'something' from me sharing this with you.
Keep up the fight.
I am a compulsive gambler... in recovery (3 years gamble free)
Kind regards
Pete123
*Son/Daughter. Sorry for the typo.
Hi workman
when we as partners, parents etc, give money to a compulsive gambler we are enabling them. We do this without knowing that they gamble. When we find out we realise that we ‘helped’ them gamble. Therefore when the question is asked again it makes us remember.
Unfortunately it’s a natural reaction. I think you will be asked ‘are you gambling?’. It isn’t until we seek help and understand that it makes no difference whether we ask or not.
Your mother doesn’t want you to fail, she doesn’t want to fail (enable you).
i believe that we are all involved and affected by another’s gambling. It is not just your problem. You are doing your best. ‘Let it go’ . Just keep looking forward, try not to be affected by a simple question. Talk about it.
Hi Pete, thank you for sharing, I completely understand where you are coming from, I have taken my mother's feelings into consideration as I have apologised profusely for my behaviour. I hope that she has taken it on board and also that kicking this habit is one of the hardest things to do. I'm more of an emotional gambler I would hit the slots when I was feeling down in hope that a nice win would cheer me up but it didnt work like that all the time because I have learnt that when I didnt win it put me more down the rabbit hole. The thing is with my mother she has a tendency to talk to me like a child ' I will talk to you tomorrow '. I dont know, I just feel so mixed up and sadly we dont have GA round here this site is my only help.
I wish it was as easy to just let it go, I suffer with mental health before I started gambling so the whole gambling addiction added to the issue. I have a tendency to keep things in my mind and for it to go round and round a bit like a bee in a bonnet. My mother seems to be the one out of the family who is giving me a hard time about it, making me feel depressed hence a gambling trigger and then I know I have a huge fight on my hands and sometime it gets to the point where I just curl up and cry.
Workman there is GA online if you need support. Compulsive gambling is a mental health condition, it’s all part and parcel of the whole problem.
Do you have a link to the GA online please. Yes I know it's all apart of it but before I became a gambler I suffer with depression, anxiety and panic attacks which I've been medicated for since 2014 as I have a mental breakdown.
Hi Workman,
Thank you for using the Forum. I looks like you are getting some great support from our other members.
I am glad to read that you are finding the forum supportive. I want to let you know that this is not the only form of support out there. I would invite you to call our advisers where you can talk more about how gambling has and still is affecting you. They are able to refer you for some one to one treatment if you think this might be useful too. You can do this by calling our HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 or by using our Livechat option. Both are available 24/7.
Below i have put the link to GA - specifically the 'find a meeting' section of the website.
https://www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk/find-a-meeting
I would also encourage you to speak to your GP about how this is affecting you and see if they can provide some support.
For now, take care and keep posting.
Rebecca,
Forum Admin.
Thank you this information is great.
Gamblersinrecovery.com is another good resource for virtual GA and GamAnon meetings. As you are aware you will have to deal with things in life we don't like or make us feel a certain way, but we ultimately need to change our behaviour to deal with these. GA is good for this as the 12 step program helps hold the mirror up to ourselves but also shows us it can be done as others are there to support and guide us.
Well done on coming on here and been so open and honest, do the same at the GA meetings and in time you will change your behaviour and mindset which will really help you in this battle. I wish you well
Hi, thank you for your reply. Tonight I had my very first GA meeting I feel so drained and overwhelmed right now but also like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Hi Workman
I completely get where you are coming from. I'm not as far down the road as you (only 60 days GF) but I can sense the doubt and suspicion even if it isn't directly vocalised.
Yeah it grates a little - as far as I'm concerned I'm 100% done with gambling and won't go near it again. But the truth is the amount of damage I've done is not something that can be (or should be) swept under the carpet.
Having challenges with mental health must be tough, especially so if low mood triggers you. Perhaps if you could address the root cause, and I know that's not as easy as it sounds, then it will enable you to handle these setbacks when they occur.
I've had people very close to me suffer from chronic anxiety and I've had depression at various points in my life so I know the toll it takes. It's nothing that can be fixed quickly, but if you are able to get treatment/help it can make life easier.
But I just wanted to finish by saying well done on reaching 135 days GF- that's something to be proud of. Always celebrate your achievements in life - life is hard so you have to acknowledge when you do something right.
SJC
Lovely supportive post sjanon. Thing is workman I understand what you are saying as sjanon does but we cannot control what someone else thinks or feels. I know I can say till I'm blue in the face that I'm 100% done with gambling that I'm sorry for my behaviour, but does my husband believe me? He says he does but if I mention my recovery, GA, this forum he gets a look on his face and after 21years of being together I can pretty much read what he's thinking. When you are in a better place your mum's questions won't bother you as much, you can't make her understand. The only people who understand compulsive gambling are other compulsive gamblers!! I am 4months gamble free I'm happy with what I'm putting into my recovery I have plenty of support here and of course buckets full in GA my parents are v supportive my 15yr old son bless him is v supportive , my husband's indifference doesn't bother me after all he has been affected by my gambling......
I had my very first GA meeting last night, it was amazing it left me feeling drained but today for the 1st time in a long time I have no worries. So just for today I will not gamble, one day at a time
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