Time to create a life I'm proud of

I worked on publishing for 36 years lol until it went very very wrong 

Day 9, I still feel as if I'm in the honeymoon period of this giving up gambling game. I've tried quitting behaviour before and I know that to start with you can feel energised by having made what you feel like is an important, great decision in your life. Somewhere along the way things might get tougher and that's when you need to stick with things. For me at least gambling was somewhere to go when feeling the stresses and loneliness of life the cruel twist is that eventually gambling only ceases to make these things worse. It's not a solution, well maybe it is in the initial buzz of the moment that makes you forget those things for a while. But long-term you know it isn't the solution, the real solution is to confront life and your difficulties not run away from them. Maybe it's a bold statement but I feel like there's something of the coward in every addict, there's something of the needing to escape, to run away from responsibilities, to not meet life head on and confront the difficulties that life presents you with. If I'm honest that's exactly the sort of person I do not want to be. If you look at anyone you admire in life they have most definitely confronted difficulties with courage and bravery, they do not run away from problems they face them and overcome them and that's why they are admired, that's why they are successful. That's the sort of person I want to be.

Day 10, the football word cup on the horizon may come as the first challenge to me. Football is something I've gambled on lots. I am unsure about how much of it I'll be watching it and whether I will still find as much interest in the sport now I'm not betting on it. Maybe it will be a relief, maybe I will be able to actually be able to enjoy watching games without having to worry about the outcome, no horrible sensation if a goal goes in against your bet, etc. Be interesting to see, I'm going to try my best to remain very self-aware if I am watching games. I should think my mind will turn to itself into trying to predict the game which ultimately leads me to thinking about gambling and the odds, etc. I am confident of keeping myself gambling free during the period. 

Hi Fyodor

Me too..I'm on day 203 and the world cup will be a new experience without betting on every match with plenty of different bets. I'm not caving in though 

Stay strong Stuart! recognise it as another test to overcome.

Day 11, only short update today but still pleased with how I'm feeling and everything. I thought I may have some sort of severe withdrawal symptoms from quitting but so far not really noticed much change. Still doing meditating I'm aware more of my thoughts patterns. Did end getting hit by a few gambling advertisements, it really is amazing how many there are out there. I tend to try my best to avoid advisements of any kind, mad crazy to me that harmful things such gambling, alcohol and fast food make up a good chunk of all advertisements out there, makes you think doesn't it. So if you are watching this stuff you are basically making yourself poorer and potential developing an addiction or continuing one you already have. You can't use that as an excuse to fail, you have to be stronger than that, you can control a lot of what comes into your senses. My advice avoid all this stuff if you can. If it's not in your environment you won't even think about it anymore.

You are doing really well mate and keep going 

Thanks Stuart.

Day 12, feeling a little bit irritated and gloomy today. I don't know whether it's the gambling withdrawal or just the very grey and rainy weather. Got to just stick with things and find plenty of things to be grateful for in times like these. World Cup started, watched a part of the game and enjoyed it.

Hi Fyodor

I can only share my own experience which will be different to yours but it took me 6 weeks for my brain not to require huge amounts of dopamine just to stay awake. At that point it accepted that the dopamine from walking and other things was going to be enough. I also think that over that time, the work I put in to learn and gain the tools but also learning when to use them and how, has made the rollercoaster ride less bumpy. Once the "want to gamble" faded it was all about building a life that had no room, need or want for gambling. Better way of thinking and that makes it easier. It also means I can face life on life's terms and not escape with addiction which is futile as the problems get worse and don't go away mate

Anyway, that's just me 

I can relate to your diary.  I am starting again today after so many relapses.  Best wishes. 

Thanks for your insight Stuart. I have quit some addictive behaviours before so I know how it can take a while for your brain to adjust and for things to settle down so to speak. I feel like there might always be the seed of wanting to gamble inside you but over time you just realise it is something you don't do anymore, it's not part of your life anymore.

Best of Luck Jean. I think it's safe to stay addicts of all kinds do share some similarities.

Day 13, Still trucking along. Minor urges but nothing I couldn't handle. I even managed to watch some of the football on without thinking about gambling much, which is pretty much unheard of for me. So I am hoping I can adapt and learn to enjoy the sport just for the spectacle of it and not need to care about the result or the prediction of it.

Hi Fyodor

As you say, that should really help as you know what the road looks like. I was really worried about watching football or golf but love it and don't think of gambling. Not going to ever watch horseracing as that would push it too far for me. I don't actually think it matters how old you are, how long you gambled for, how much anyone lost, we are all fighting the same war together battle by battle. 

Keep posting mate 

Hi Stuart, yeah I'm finding myself enjoying the football without having to be worried or annoyed about the outcome which is a fresh thing for me. I'm also giving horse racing a swerve as that seems a sport basically based around gambling completely. 

Day 14, still feeling good. Actually a little bit of my pride about myself as started to come into it. I think mostly this is a matter of self-discipline and you always start to feel good when you do things that might be a little bit difficult to do but that you know is the right thing to do. I feel so much better about my prospects for life moving forward, gambling really was the thing that was holding me back. I've also decided that I may go buy myself something as a gift for reaching a certain landmark. One rather big drawback of gambling compulsively is that you tend not to have any money to spend on yourself. I was trying to think of the last time I bought something for myself that wasn't food and paying bills or any other sort of purchase out of necessity and honestly I think it might actually be years. The gambler mindset was always I can't waste any money that I could be spending gambling and building a bankroll. This has had one benefit in that now I'm an extremely frugal person although I still think it's a good thing to treat yourself every once in a while, as almost an act of self-love. Buy an item of clothing that makes you feel great, or buy something that you will get lots of enjoyment out. 

Day 15, still going strong. I think this diary is good it keeps me accountable. I am feeling like I need some sort of outlet at the moment. I realised that maybe this is somehow tied up with the weekend. I guess that's a time people usual unwind and relax a little and as such maybe that makes the weekend a time to be careful when it comes to making sure you stick to the quitting gambling thing. Honestly doing okay on that front. I think I need to look at finding something else to do to make my mind away from gambling something that I can turn to when I need to relax. Although in theory gambling wasn't relaxing it was the opposite, it was thrilling and sort of dangerous perhaps I need something better for me that stimulates my mind in a similar way to help me cope to begin with at least. Also been watching the football and I was somehow glad to think there's been some results which I probably definitely would have lost money on, maybe I shouldn't have been thinking about that at all but I suppose that's a positive light to see it in.  Truth be told gambling always ultimately lead to losing money and my ruin in the end because I couldn't do it in a disciplined way, which is why I've stopped altogether. Win, lose or break even I suppose it didn't matter, it's the compulsive, obsessive behaviour that I needed to put to an end.

Day 16, hasn't escaped my attention that a certain famous horse racing festival started today. But it made me realise that's not my world anymore, that holds not interest for me anymore, that's not something I need to spend any thought on. All things going good at the moment but there's a crucial point on the horizon where I'm going to have money in the my bank again so it will make it possible to gamble again. I am considering withdrawing a chunk from it so it's not available online, I have done this previous trying to curtail the habit and it worked to some degree, it's like an extra barrier of protection if you don't have money sitting in an account. It might seem silly to say but having a chunk of money sat in my bank account always filled me with more unease than it did when it was completely empty, that would usually be the opposite way around for most people. It's having money fills that them with security. But having nothing in my account reminds was me of the Sylvia Plath quote "The floor seemed wonderfully solid. It was comforting to know I had fallen and could fall no farther." There's some great truth in that I think. Also in that we can find comfort in the familiar, and to me familiarity was being broke. I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone reading this, it seems a totally weird, bizarre sort of mindset to have fallen into. But that's exactly as I've felt. I imagine people who have a shopping addiction and such like, well maybe any addiction that involves the exchange of money, having some new money into your account opens up the possibility of a relapse or at least more thoughts coming into your mind about it. 

@h0jb3fsyvp 

Well done