This post will eminate degenerative waster. f**k I hate life. Gambling is one of the many aspects as to why, but it is what I focus on more than anything. Not so much gambling, but an intense desire of getting my money back, or at least some of it. I read how people have decent wins but put it back in... Not saying I'd be any different but I can't even get something remotely decent. 6 years of poker with consistently complete s**t results... At least with that my wage would last at least last for half the month, now because of blackjack I have lost everything spare within 2 days of being paid for the past 4 months in a row. Then borrowing praying for a tournament win on poker but man, it's like something out there is against me. I feel completely numb and empty. Working 40 hours a week, or struggling to, for nothing in the end, just more misery. I enjoy absolutely nothing anymore. Tired of feigning normality, which even then is not fun to be around, with my girlfriend who somehow loves me still. I feel like a huge loser, consumed in anger with a victim mentality... Why me? Why can I not just f*****g once be the one who hits a small jackpot or final table a good tournament with ease? Just once. I've got a growing subconscious desire to somehow not be here anymore, I wouldn't say suicide as I am too much of a coward to even do that, but say a button to push to just end it all. Yup that is becoming much more prevalent. I can't even enjoy my weekends, just f*****g miserable at the fact that I cannot win anything. The fun stopped long ago but for some reason, although not logical, I feel it is the only way to get something back. The blackjack has been the real killer recently. Absolute nasty s**t. It really does make you feel low. That inability to stop depositing what you have left chasing what has been lost reminds me of crack. Something in me will not get help. Something in me just doesn't want to do it, telling me it won't change anything, that no one can enlighten me in a way that's worth the plunge. Very ignorant. I don't think I can take it much more... Must be due a win on something soon right? Hah. f*****g c**t life. Cannot appreciate anything anymore. I hope this rambling deters someone stronger to stop now.
Dear Beyond Miserable
Sorry to hear that you are feeling so down. You mentioned that you feel like you don't want to be here, which is worrying. Why not call our freephone HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 or chat to us on the NetLine? We understand that you’re not feeling ready to change your gambling right now. But you’re recognising that it’s making you miserable so we can start with that and look at ways to support you. We’re here for you 8am til midnight every day. In the meantime, if you feel you are at risk of hurting yourself, we urge you to share your feelings with someone close like your partner, and contact emergency services or your local mental health crisis team.
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Deirdre
Forum Admin
If I don't gamble till the end of the year I've not gambled for 260 days out of the 365. Like you I used to play online poker and I did really love it. But I was spending six hundred a month all of my money. I didn't get into debtt but I must have been down in the tens of thousands through the ten years I played. My advice would be cut ur losses and spend ur money on living not on sitting in front of a pc. Adam
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Hi beyondmiserable
I was addicted to poker since about 2005. The game now is pretty much unbeatable online . The best thing I ever did was self exclude online with gamstop and the live casino with sense. Poker makes you miserable, just go to the casino and look at all the miserable people that try to win each other’s money day in day out. Imagine if you put all that time and money into something worthwhile like a business etc. You can beat this !
It has been the worst week of my life. My Dad had an attack related to COPD 9 days ago unoxgygenated/heart stopped for 18 minutes even though he was attended to by emergency services. Probably the only family member other than my brother I love. It has been absolutely brutal. Had been in a coma. Massive brain damage. Visited him over the week. Visited him today. Took me longer than it should to realise they have now stopped all the drips, just letting him die. Step mum must have consented to let h go. I can't believe the procedure of it. The most brutal thing I've ever dealt with. I should be with him until he dies but no, I've left him. Cannot articulate it well but even though there is apparently no brain activity he is somehow breathing on his own, left eye flickers a bit, even grimaces occasionally, maybe from pain or the tube in his nose. Felt like he was aware for me a little bit the last (and probably final) visit today. Have lost about £300 bullshitted by blackjack during this ordeal. I've had enough. I just want to go. I guess he will be dead by tomorrow. A part of me wants him to last until the end of tomorrow so I can see him one more time, as painful as it will be to watch him really die. Legally I guess he was dead soon after the initial occurrence. I f*****g hate life. I can't bear the constant s**t anymore I am done
Hi,
Sorry to hear your familiar tale. I would guess that you are one of millions in this world that loses day after day, you are not unique and you're not alone. People like you and me make the gambling industry rich. It's essentially one of the biggest scams going. Do some research on professional poker players that have won millions and still end up broke, that will tell you that the win you're chasing will never be enough. I was at your stage and believe me, it can get worse. Soon you'll lose control and won't be able to pay your rent, you may end up homeless like I did or isolate yourself from your friends and family until you're totally alone. To chase a dream of winning at gambling is lunacy no matter how good a player you think you are. Three months ago, I was planning my suicide. I couldn't stop, I'm 43 with no friends, a poor relationship with my family and single for 6 years. I'm in thousands of pounds of debt and the future just didn't seem possible, I looked into hypnosis. I'm now three months since my last bet. You may be years away from accepting that gambling is something that will ultimately destroy you. It took me until I was 42, I felt that it was my only enjoyment in life, the mind lies to you. After gambling is no longer a part of your life, you can travel, save, plan days out with your girlfriend. You can start enjoying life. Please know that no matter how many wins you get, the seed will be planted in your mind that you can do it again, what happens is you end up losing 10x the amount you won in the first place.
You are not unique. We are one of millions of gamblers who lose days after day, month after month, year after year.
Stuart
All the best mate.Hang in there mate. Life has been pretty tough and crue to you but the best way you can honour your dad do justice to his love for you is to puck up te pieces of your life and beat this nasty addiction. Staying GF, working hard, staying sane and seeing out this miserable time because there are still people who like ve you is very important and something you are still capable of. Don’t believe the lies the gambling mind tells you. Death unfortunately is something that will happen to all. I lost my parents so can relate. Beyond this miserable dark and painful time that you are experiencing and very capable of seeing out there is light and peace. It will take time and hard work. Loads of advice on this site to help you stay GF. Come often. Treat this place as your close se friend. Where you can share your shame and pain. Unberden your guilt and sorriw. As we are all in the same boat and have been through what you are going through at some point in our lives. Just hang in there and use all the available resources here. For the people who love you and care about you, for your Dad - hang in there.
BeyondMiserable wrote: It has been the worst week of my life. My Dad had an attack related to COPD 9 days ago unoxgygenated/heart stopped for 18 minutes even though he was attended to by emergency services. Probably the only family member other than my brother I love. It has been absolutely brutal. Had been in a coma. Massive brain damage. Visited him over the week. Visited him today. Took me longer than it should to realise they have now stopped all the drips, just letting him die. Step mum must have consented to let h go. I can't believe the procedure of it. The most brutal thing I've ever dealt with. I should be with him until he dies but no, I've left him. Cannot articulate it well but even though there is apparently no brain activity he is somehow breathing on his own, left eye flickers a bit, even grimaces occasionally, maybe from pain or the tube in his nose. Felt like he was aware for me a little bit the last (and probably final) visit today. Have lost about £300 bullshitted by blackjack during this ordeal. I've had enough. I just want to go. I guess he will be dead by tomorrow. A part of me wants him to last until the end of tomorrow so I can see him one more time, as painful as it will be to watch him really die. Legally I guess he was dead soon after the initial occurrence. I f*****g hate life. I can't bear the constant s**t anymore I am done
Hi beyondmiserable,
As you are well aware, life can be a train wreck at times, but having the ability to deal with it is difficult just like all the good things in life. As compulsive gamblers we have conditioned ourselves on the opposite, how to run form our problems, bury our heads in the sand. Our addiction is the perfect escape bubble as we can focus on that and nothing else will matter.
Like any addict you cannot beat this alone, you need support. In fairness you have come on here and opened up about your problem which is a great first step. Although it may not feel like it now, but things can get better. It will take time and effort on your part but you can change your life around.
Nothing you do now will get back the money you lost or fix the mistakes you made with people etc but you can learn from it and get on a path to recover and change. There are no quick fixes, the gambler in us craves the big win thinking it will solve all our problems but its an illusion, in fact for compulsive gambler it makes matters worse as now we u our stakes as its never enough. Look up your nearest GA meeting, there you will meet others in a similar boat who will understand what your going through ans you will see people who are turning their lifes around. You can also. I wish you well.
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