Ultimatums relationship struggles post partner finding out.

Handing over financial control and full financial transparency with a partner is standard advice. Most CG's who want to stop will do anything to show it. You've proved you can't control yourself with access to cash. You've proved you can't be trusted. Why do you want to maintain financial secrecy and how do you expect your wife to react?

Hi Crossroads1, I’m an ex girlfriend of a CG so when I saw your post I felt I should comment. I don’t know how long your wife knows about your gambling. It seems it is only a short time ago so based on my experience, I think she may be feeling very angry and betrayed. These feelings are very overwhelming. Whilst you may feel relief that she is aware of the situation, I think that she will be in a state of shock and disappointment. Often partners of CG’s do not seek any help and support even when they very much need it to process the situation and move forward. I certainly needed help and I have found this forum a fantastic source of support. So speaking from my perspective, your wife is probably experiencing lots of feelings at the moment. I know I have. I think good communication and understanding is the way forward.

I’m not going to comment on whether you should or should not retain your own cards. I know ultimatums are very difficult to deal with but it is probably your wife’s way of feeling comfortable with the situation... if you don’t have cards... you can’t gamble. Trust has been abused and that hurts.

There’s lots of great advice on this forum. I think the way forward is incremental and taking each day one at a time. It will take your wife a bit of time to process the situation. I wish you both well

I agree with all the comments above. Why the continued secrecy re your own account?

I'm the partner of a CG (almost 2 years in this r/s). He came clean to me last summer, after having been a CG since 2016, and even though I agreed to take over his bank account (at his request), he's relapsed twice - once when after a fight, I handed back control of the bank account to him and another time while I was in charge of the bank account. The latter was done bc the website he visited had his bank details already entered and he remembered the 3-digit security code; and this was done despite the fact that I could/ can see what's going on in his a/c. My partner hasn't hit rock bottom yet and I suspect neither have you.

From personal experience, CG's are never far away from wanting to re-commit, that the gambling thoughts/ urges are always in the background, with the CG ready to pounce! I suspect that you're gonna re-commit again; and as another poster has said, are probably already planning the next time and/ or are hiding other debts that you haven't told your wife about.

I've told my partner that 3 strikes, I am out - FOR GOOD!! I'm sick of all the lies on top of the gambling, lies to hide the gambling, the massive debts!! I totally empathise with your wife in issuing the ultimatum. I know it's generally advised that it's best not to issue ultimatums. But for our sanity's sake, the only thing to do - if all else fails - is to walk away and never look back!

Why don't you want her to help you? Handing over finances is honesty. You can manage your money once you've got a better relationship with it. You will gamble if you choose to regardless of who's holding the cash. You wife is consumed by fear and her natural reaction is to control the money. It helps, it's not foolproof. If you want your relationship to improve you need to let her in. She also needs support.

Why not hand over financial control. Its quite simple. No ВЈВЈВЈ's = no gamble.

By doing this you are leaving no avenues open to continue gambling.

Cant really understand your issue if you are being serious to quit.

Best wishes

Sounds like you’re kidding yourself with addict talk. You may well love her but were/are you honest with her? Which really comes first, her or the gambling? What do you contribute to the relationship? Is she there as an equal life partner or to emotionally and financially enable your addiction? Is it your money, earnt by you to use (in every sense of the word) as you see fit? Or do you both share common goals in life, including financial goals, that you’re both committed to?

Taking away the gambling tokens won’t stop you using if that’s what you’re determined to do. But if you want to reclaim your life and overcome the addiction, try regular and frequent GA meetings and continual honesty, supported by blocks and barriers.

Honestly, based on past performance, can you handle money safely and reliably? All she has to go on is past performance plus her knowledge of addiction and it would be very unwise for her to trust you blindly.

Overcoming addiction has to come from within. You have to want it. Do you?

CW

Thanks for everyone’s comments they have have helped me to reflect over the last couple of days and I will be giving my wife all my cards.. maybe i was kiding myself before not sure if I have hit rock bottom yet but all I seen to be able to think about is gambling and more then ever before. I definatley need help.

Crossroads111, you are making the right decision and moving forward. That is positive. It’s one day at a time. Your wife will also appreciate that you are making an effort. Best of luck

Hi crossroads111.

Its a moment of pure serenity when you know its all for the best and recovery is the right path. You will soon realise that its far better than walking home feeling suicidal after an extinction gambling binge.

Its not about treating you like a baby. Its about saving you and everything thats important in your life. I am quite happy to lose that ultimate level of trust and its actually a price worth paying when faced with a gambling addiction. In essence what matters is that you are not gambling and your mind is healing.

It was never an unrealistic request from your wife. It is a very realistic request and one of the reality checks that can shock us from a comfort zone we build around ourselves. Any dangerous addiction thrives on the delusions we create to get its fix.

You will feel a serenity and even a pride that you can feel real emotions again. Put simply it doesnt matter if your wife controls the finances because its what you need.

What I have learnt is that It can be beaten so I have no urges to gamble. There is no room for complacency though and I believe it resides deep within us but can be controlled to a level where its not a fight anymore. I immediately see gambling as harmful and an activity I dont want to do.There are better things to do and spend my money on. Im not rattling or unhappy. I dont miss it..I simply have better things to do with my life.

A key point is that its not a big race to see if you can be in control of money again....go with the flow. Sit down, do the exercises and try and explain a gambling session...you will see how strange and indeed ill it sounds. ..It will sound like you have seen leprechauns at the bottom of the garden because thats how it sounds to a non gambler. I wouldnt give you money and Ive been a gambler 🙂

It doesnt have to be a manly thing and its actually not important when faced with an addiction which kills people....yes that strong and emotive. I had an ill relstionship with money so it ultimately doesnt matter if I dont have access to much cash.

So keep talking to her and this is also about issues within your soul. I had a problem commiting to relationships and I have been hurt so it was about facing myself more than anything.

So its a born again moment crossroads not necessarily in the religious sense. Do you feel that because there is absolutely no shame in reaching out and admitting a problem which got to thousands...hundreds of thousands or even millions of people.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

'Rock bottom' is a bit of an artificial concept IMO. Leave the addiction unaddressed and there's always another trapdoor to fall through. Giving your wife your cards is good move but consider closing down excess accounts and/or opening a basic bank account which won't allow overdrafts. If you have a cash allowance your wife should be seeing receipts for what you've spent.

It would be very worth your while to take up the free counselling sessions offered by Gamcare and to start attending GA meetings. Alongside mechanical blocks you need to identify and address whatever it is that's driving the compulsion. It also shows your wife you're putting in the effort needed. Action will speak louder than words for her at this point.

Hi guys.

I just lost 50k on online roulette and I am terrified to tell my wife. she is the loveliest sweetest woman and I feel like a pig. I am not in debt or anything but I just had a crazy day and couldn't stop chasing my losses. I am shaking with nerves and anxiety and I cant sleep or eat. I absolute;y hate myself to the core. I spent years building a business and recently sold it and now I've just wasted what I worked so hard for. What an idiot. Should I tell her or should I quietly, slowly try to win it back?

Hi Monrovia,

telling a loved one is always advisable but of course it is your decision. As to your question - there is only one answe - quit now, put blocking software on, sign up to Gamstop, otherwise you will soon find you have gambled everything away. Gambling is not a means of making money and I am assuming the reason you've lost the £50K is because you have been chasing already.

Please call the Helpline or the Netline, spend some time reading some of the recovery diaries on here, you will find some eye-opening real life accounts on what can happen if you carry on chasing.

Wishing you all the best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Hi Crossroads,

All CGs would love to have & handle their own money but lets face it thats how we got to this stage. After years of gambling (204 days GF now ) i finally handed all the finances over to my wife and i mean total control over the purse strings. I dont particularly enjoy asking my wife for money whenever i need a haircut or a new pair of trainers but at the end of the day im a compulsive gambler who once had financial control and my god what a f**k up i made of it.

Without wanting to sound complacent i dont think ill ever go back to that life but i read posts on here frequently about people being clean for longer than me relapsing. Together with self exclusion shop exclusion and being restricted having access to money make up the best insurance policy ever that ill never go back to becoming enslaved to the gambling industry. This is not to tell you what to do but to simply explain what works for me. My wife has also installed blocking software on my laptop thank god.

Good Luck With Your Recovery

AL

monrovia - you will probably get more response and advice if you start your own thread in new members but I can near guarantee the gist will be both to come clean to your wife and absolutely definitely not to try to chase what you've lost.