21st of October 2012- That day

Hi just read your reply on your new member post - your doing the right things, well done for telling your girlfriend, couldn't have been easy. I'm the same I don't give my money to my mrs, would do more harm than good, have her worrying all the time etc. But its great that she's involved in your recovery and your showing her that you are trying and you are changing.

2 weeks is great going. Get to that first month now and it'll feel fantastic. I'm 26 so were about the same age and your right this is the time to make the change, turn things around and start really living life.

Your posts say all the right things, its great to read and you've got all the motivation you need to make them changes and start enjoying your life. Keep at it.

So things taken a bit of a wrong turn with my girlfriend, shes said that she can't see a future with me because she couldn't trust me which things like a mortgage or savings... Her dad was an alcaholic and that means that shes been through an addiction already, she had no choice with her dad but she has a choice with me. This will be the toughest pill to swallow and an advert for anybody reading this that if you want to end up lonely then you keep gambling... I'll still stay gambling free, I have no choice at this stage- I'm doing it for myself and nobody else.

Hi

Welcome and well done for starting a diary , the reasons u state for starting one are spot on get every thought down good or bad exactly how u feel it will really help in ur recovery

Its so hard for people to understand us and can often worry that its goin to carry on , with ur girlfriend all u can do is prove to her and thats a great motivation for u , the great thing bout this site is we all understand how u feel there's so much support and advice that again will help u

Also agree with u in sayin that ur doin this for urself and no one else , at 27 u av all ur life ahead of u and only u can determine what happens , its really all bout choices so make the right ones and choose not to gamble

Castle2

Sorry to hear about your girlfriend. Don't let that trigger any stupid gambling urges. Stick to your diary, keep them blocks in place and use that pain that gambling caused to never go back. If you can prove your serious about giving up maybe things will work out with your girlfriend and I hope they do.

Cheers guys, I agree Castle sometimes you need a good sleep to wake up with a fresh mind- I like your optimism, I will remain optimistic as that's a natural trait of mine but I guess with this gambling bug it can take the wind out of your sails a bit- bit of a rollercoaster at times.

David I think you talk a lot of sense, it's good to hear someone outside of the situation, it's a case of as you say not panicking- the great thing is that I have not had a single gambling urge... Just a case of trying to fix the wreckage I've left behind. I guess I should look at the fact that she considers mortgages and joint accounts a genuine possibility as a positive, if I'm honest that surprised me a bit. We have been together for over a year and I want the chance to prove that she shouldn't give up on me- I love her too much to want to hurt her, she's one of those people you just want to protect, hold and make smile.

On this journey she was the only person I was ever going to lose so I knew the risk I was taking by admitting to the problem. It wouldn't be fair to keep lying and this is the first time I've been genuinely serious about a future, I've had commitment issues before.

The more and more time without gambling the more you realise how much you never really needed it, worrying about not having enough money until payday becomes something you no longer need to worry about as the spare cash you might have been spending is now in your pocket... My gambling hasn't affected me financially as much as others as all my bills have been paid and I'm still on target to be debt free by the end of the year and sometimes you wonder if you didn't have that debt would you have reverted to gambling... it is almost a cycle you get into, hoping to earn more money so that you can pay off your debts quicker when in actual facts you're prolonging what debt you did have.

I have set myself a couple of goals over the next 6 months:

1. Get debt free- this was before giving up gambling so we're on course for that.

2. Buy a car, I think this'll be either January or February

3. Start a couple of new hobbies, I was thinking about Yoga, kite flying and potentially an extreme sport like surfing or wind surfing, Archery too

4. Go abroad twice next year

5. Finally start seriously planning for the future, build up those savings, find somewhere to settle down and start living a full and proper life by doing the simple things

My recovery has been gradual, this is partly because I have had the time to seriously plan as I've had no gambling urges and that's in large part due to being self excluded from online gambling. I'm going to start with a new bank account, somewhere where I can show my girlfriend where my finances are as if she's going to trust me again then things have to be transparent- I want to be the strong link in the finances game. I'll start setting myself more specific targets over the coming weeks.

You asked me about my main motivation to stop. Well my journey is quite a long one. My motivation to quit gambling was for my then fiancé (now wife). But that was 3 years ago. Now after trying and failing a few times (never give up on giving up) I have just finally realised what a real waste of time it all is. It causes me so much pain - physically, emotional not to mention financially. It is hard to give up this gambling game but it is do able and I really think I've turned a corner. You've seen what you can lose through gambling - your partner. Let that sink in and realise it isn't worth it. You must tho do it for yourself and your own future. Do you want to be coming on here in 5/10 years time saying I'm gambling again? It'll only get worse. Every time I went back to gambling I sunk another level emotionally and financially. You seem very determined to stop and I wish you all the best, your certainly doing the right things. You've set some great goals and if you can stay of gambling they'll be easily achieved. No gambling = more motivation to enjoy life and do things you never would've done whilst gambling. Enjoy.

Started opening up to a few other people and it's starting to feel more and more like a reality... that yes people can accept that you will make mistakes but then you have to prove that you won't make those same mistakes again, not just for yourself but the people around you- at the end of the day good people in your life have your best interest at heart, remember that... you should never feel alone with any problem, it just takes a bit of time to realise that when you can be honest with things then you can move on!!! I am positively sure I want to move on- can I just forward on 5 years now and say I'm all fixed but no I know it doesn't work like that- keep taking those baby steps so that gambling is never a part of my life again- feels good to know that there is no pain saying that, it doesn't feel like a struggle to be admitting that as I know how wrong it felt to be gambling every day, making gambling part of my normal routine when in actual facts, there was and is, no place for it.

I feel like having some sort of celebration party like when those people get out of jail..... I'm freeeeeeeeeeeee- Do you know what I might even go church on Sunday, I'm a sinner so time for some absolution- I can't do the whole regular church duties but some spiritual cleansing wouldn't be the worst idea... Thinking about it now, some gospel church where everyone claps their hands that'd be a cool idea, I think I'm getting a bit side tracked from the point of this site but hey ho I'll eventually have to finish my time on this site and I'll be stronger for the experience- I would suggest one thing to people trying to make a difference in their lives, reach out, ask for help, tell people no point being ashamed because if your ashamed you've not been truthful with yourself and you'll just go back to your old ways... I am proud to say I am ashamed of what gambling has done to me and I thank it for the lesson for I have finally learnt that I don't need you gambling... I have a theoretical suitcase and I've packed my brain, my future, my money and a pair of socks and I'm leaving you, farewell, goodbye

Yesterday felt like getting back to a day of normality- 18 days in and thinking about gambling gives me a sick feeling in my stomach, the boredom I used to have is gone because I'm planning my days better- I haven't started any new hobbies yet but they'll be starting in January, just need a bit of time being sensible with my money so that I can start crossing off some of my goals. Had some giggles last night with friends and giggles with my girlfriend and it was good not to be worrying about any bets coming in or worrying about my debts, gambling in some ways is a constant reminder that you have debt... My girlfriend once told me that the poorest areas have the most bookies, I think the bookies know what side their bread is buttered on. Time to earn a living and shout Show me the money!!!

Starting to appreciate a life without gambling... Got my new bank account sorted yesterday so new beginnings are not far away, 2 weeks till payday so I'm thinking in my own head that's where I'll have my biggest test but then again, I have a clearer picture of the future whereas I've never had that motivation before... I even said to the woman in the bank this is a new start for my finances, it makes it more serious when you say it to someone official- I guess the more people you tell the less likely you'll want to go back, not that I needed any more motivation. Over the past 19 days I had one genuine thought about just doing football bets as I'm good at those but it's the window that opens up and the only way for this to work is stopping everything... It's no coincidence that the one I'm good at is the one which occupies most of my time and sometimes time is more valuable than money... Think that's where I'll leave the diary today, Time is more valuable than money.

Day 19 and things are still going well, sometimes you do have to reach a low point before you start making changes in your own lifestyle... I'm not going to set myself monthly or yearly targets, I dont think it's the way of doing it- It'll soon become a case of not counting the days, months or years but just to say I'll not be gambling in my lifetime, that's the only target I'm going to give myself.

No bets for 3 weeks and had the security guard at work talking about great football bets to do... On top of that things are starting to challenge me more and more, in terms of I'm low on money till payday but we'll survive on that (previously I might have gambled to get myself out of a hole) got told by my landlord that after a year renting they expect us to sign a minimum 6 month renewal and I have no job certainty and I'm going to have to rely on my housemate to sort that as I don't have the energy at the moment whilst getting through my gambling/financial issues. I'll add more later but sometimes things get tough so it'll be a family call for some support, I know I have to do this on my own but it does make you feel very lonely. There's never any time to talk to my girlfriend and she gets impatient if I can't express myself straight away as she's been working very hard lately so is awful tired.

well congrats on your days and well done. guess theres always gonna be challenges in life and we just make em worse gambling. stay strong your doing great.

Yeah I agree, gambling is the equivalent of putting your head in the sand when it comes to challenges... Sometimes you got to be willing to get hurt because every time we end up gambling we're hurting someone else.

Yesterday I broke up with my girlfriend, she couldn't deal with this and never spoke to me face to face about the gambling or where this left us... this was too much for her. I think in some ways she underestimates me and my strength in overcoming any hurdle and the gambling one is one I feel I've jumped but she can't see me jumping... shes says she felt backed into a corner but how do people think you solve things without communicating, then again I have to do this for myself and it's unfair to put her under pressure due to my own circumstances.

Time to take a step back and re evaluate where I want to go with my life, I feel stronger for my experiences over the last couple of months. You can feel at the lowest point in your life and still turn it around, noone should give up... and especially not give up hope, hope is all we have.