21st of October 2012- That day

Ordered my credit report today and plan to use that as my incentive to make sure I don't return to a position of struggling financially due to my gambling. I'll order another report in a years time and every year after to ensure I'm keeping on the right track as ultimately I want to look at buying a property to settle down in, the next 2 years will be the most important to my future and any future family. I'm going to wait for my redundancy money which I hope is only a couple of months away and plan to save a minimum of 500 a month, then on top of that buy a car... All of this will require patience on my part because gambling has been the quick fire route, looking to pay my debts off by gambling was the worst idea ever, it's prolonged my debt but the big change is to be debt free... I don't know what it is but anybody could give me any sort of news at the moment and I'll just accept it and get on with it, I'm feeling that focused- nothing can stop me, not saying it'll be easy but I wasted too much time to turn back on my decisions.

I wonder is all this worth it but then I realise the reason I am in such a mess is because of my gambling if I had been honest about this sooner I may be realisitically planning with someone at my side, that special someone.

Day 25 but whose counting, what is life if youre not challenging yourself... I just have to be patient and prove that she shouldn't give up on me, I know it may be too late but I don't want to give up... I don't think someone else should get a better me thanks to her, I want to treat her right as the Sean without gambling- the one who genuinely believes in a future.

Day 25. Great going. That's the main reason your here to keep off gambling and you've done brilliantly. Get to that first month and it'll feel fantastic. Keep up the good work.

Cheers David, it's good to have people in the same boat because once you've admitted to this then you feel alone with it naturally as it's only you that can make the necessary changes... The gym really has been a blessing, done 45 minutes on the treadmill. I've been too lazy before or maybe a bit fearful but it feels good to be in good shape and knowing that what I would have been doing instead (gambling) makes it all the sweeter. I've set my target as January to be at full fitness and thats when I can start with a few more hobbies. I'm starting to feel a bit like my old self again, feeling awake, my brain is fully functioning and in touch with the real world... My job is still unbearable but it's a necessary evil until I can settle things financically.

Life will throw it's many challenges at you but giving up gambling feels like one of the easiest decisions I've made in my life... This weekend was supposed to be my biggest test but it turned out to be easier than I thought- my dad loves watching the horses and football also would go to the bookies to place his 1 euro bets on the three days I was staying over with them, again no urges and can quite frankly say that approcahing my month with no gambling I only see the benefots of not gambling. I'm more open than I have been in a long time, I also feel stronger than before and fully focused. My dad confirmed something for me that when I do have a problem then I normally do focus on that to the extreme and am very disciplined, you can't tell all the people that I have done and expect to go back to your stupid old ways. Still the girl issue is causing me issues, I can't not speak to her but then when I do speak to her I can't just be her friend so it's frustrating, I know I'm not in a position to fight until I can get myself in order so I figure it's time to let her live her life without me in it... not fair to expect someone to wait, I know it'll kill me to see her with another man. Gambling has hit me hard and I wouldn't necessarily say it's in the pocket.

Hi ST,

Just read through your diary and you speak a lot of sense. Especially your final point where its not the financial loss that hits us hard its the emotional pain etc and only we can prove ourselves again. I also like your point earlier in the thread about being primarily focused on NOT gambling. I spend most of my time thinking about gambling, which I am fine with once i'm not carrying my thoughts through. I also know that from my previous periods of abstinance that these thoughts do subside - good luck on your journey mate, its a long and winding road (think there is a song in that!)

Blues

Hey Blues, I'll have a read of your diary as it's a case of drawing strength from other people sometimes, we've all made mistakes and some of us have been punished for those mistakes and some haven't... I guess if you have been punished it gives you an extra determination to never go back, life is not always going to be this exciting rollercoaster ride and I think that's something we all need to accept, when I was gambling it was through boredom and to distract me from the real world in some ways, quite sad looking back on it but it's because I wasn't putting enough in to get enough out...

Glad you are doing well mate. I've just had a couple of days gambling and I can tell you it's just as I remember it - horrible, scary, worrying, panicking, stressful and a while lot of other nasty things. I'm feeling like an idiot if I'm totally honest but its great coming back (only been a few days but still) and seeing people like yourself going strong and reaping the benefits of non gambling. Keep it up mate. As you said in your last its sometimes about drawing inspiration from others and that's what I plan on doing to.

I was watching the horse racing with my dad and I realised how much more boring it is when there's no money on it, greyhounds as well boring as f**k, the football is alright but watching Leeds Vs Millwall owwwww, painful viewing. When you're constantly betting you have 10 minutes between races, there's always something to bet on, you need that constant buzz but as soon as you slow down yes there's that low point but once you've settled, once your not in gambling mode you can be who you want to be. Time to redefine. Gambling has been a part of my life for too long so to start with I was a bit lost, 'what do I do now' type feeling... things are starting to pan out and unravel now and I figure later down the line I'll find something true and pure something which gambling can't taint anymore.

You know I've never had any other vice other than gambling, I've never smoked, never done drugs, would only have a drink maybe twice a month- I live in Ireland so twice is plenty... I know if I died tomorrow then I would have huge regrets so it's about having a clean slate and saying time to achieve something, time to make people proud. People can change!

Today is payday and it feels good, this month has been a journey of finding myself again... I wouldn't say I'm happy but I'm on the right road, that's not me looking for pity but just saying there's more work to do. I can still smile but it's that happiness which just bust out and you can't help but smile, being out of control. My ex said that she wished I had given up the gambling earlier in our relationship, when things went wrong that was the main catalyst and I didn't realise... I do want to give it another go but it would take hell of a lot to happen and I think in her head it wouldn't be worth it. I owe her one thing though and that's to stick at this, in fact I owe her a lot more as she's the one that made me realise... she never once questioned me on it she waited until I admitted it as a problem, again it's only us that has the chance to change the habit.

Thanks for the post mate. I know that you mean about watching stuff that you used to and it's clear now you'd only watch it of there was money on the line I find that. Anyway take care mate, your doing great.

Hi ST,

Good to hear you are keeping up the good work, life really does get better when not gambling doesn't it. I know that the 9 or 10 things that are currently wrong in my life will be fixed if I take the one bad runt out of the litter, Gambling. I have a clear determination today and it is down to the support that I receive on this site and GA. We need to do this for ourselves and most importantly, not let ourselves down. I hope today passes without any urges for you and also never give up on rekindling your relationship with your girl, because remember, the real you, the one she fell in love with, is still here, but gambling has turned you into something you are not, solve the gambling issue (easier than it sounds!) and the rest falls into place.

Take care

Blues

Cheers Blues, believe it or not that really helped... It makes complete sense and I guess I needed to hear it and be reassured that it's without the gambling she loved me... She agreed and said I was a different person the last couple of months and she said that it made me look for faults in other places and again she's right... It's because I was scared to admit to having a gambling problem that I let it spiral into affecting other things. Thanks to those texts from her I can't stop smiling, it didn't need to be soppy texts just knowing she understands and in some ways believes in me. Getting this smile on my face makes the struggles worth it.

Back to gambling, I got my wages in my account and the only thing I'm tempted by is getting some new shoes... No gambling will be had today, hope the same can be said for yourself and David- we go on these journeys in life to get stronger.

Yesterday felt like turning the corner, lets be honest you need support through any struggle and I feel stronger thanks to the people around me including the people on this website- you're all god sends. There are times you'll feel very lonely with gambling, I was thinking the amount of times after a bad day gambling how my mood would change completely- little things would get me angry, I would be questioning everything, had a very negative mindset and depending on how bad the loss or even in some cases it was the potential losses (1 team letting down an accumulator) then my mood could last for a couple of days and instead of stopping gambling I would continue, trying to fix what had given me the low in the first place... when you're in that position you understand but from the outside it makes no sense at all.

Even now looking back, I'm thinking why didn't I just chill out for a couple of days get that smile on my face... the very same people that are around me now were around me then but I pushed them away with the gambling. I put that first, gambling will give you a buzz but it'll get to a point where that's not enough... that buzz will never last as long as you want it to and that's where the cycle begins... when we keep coming back for more. Not anymore, be strong and prosper.