21st of October 2012- That day

Day 37, this weekend was a bit of adventure, went on a shopping trip and started my Christmas shopping just a couple more presents to go... Also did a little bit of shopping for myself, brought a coat which I have survived without for a while and in some ways that was a sign of what gambling meant I couldn't have. Got lost trying to find a way home as I've never been to the area, landed next to a bookies but decided I would stay lost until I could pop into the next shop for directions. Fully abstaining makes saying no a lot easier, knowing that you're not meant to be doing something puts a very clear barrier between you and it. I'm a lot happier now, that's all that I wanted from giving up and it answers the fact that it was the gambling that changed me.

Trying to now think of ways to save up for a car and realistically think February is a reasonable time frame to achieve this... Gradually ticking things off one by one... It's a marathon not a sprint

Hi ST, well done on your weekend, fantastic stuff. I can identify with the coat scenario, wouldnt think twice about putting the price of a coat on a greyhound, but buy a coat, no way, thats gambling money!

However, that is how we USED to think, no more of that nonsensical BO**OX because thats what it is.

We go into a shell of a building, write out some drivel on a piece of paper, hand it to a stranger and 9/10 walk away from that incident with nothing. The problem lies with the fact that after each visit, we walk away with nothing, that is the part I struggle to understand, we already know the outcome before we walk in!!!! CRAZY MADNESS

Anyway, keep up the good work, 37 days of leading a normal (what is normal??) life

Take Care

Blues

Your doing great mate. Christmas shopping all but done, fantastic. Now you can kick back and enjoy the festive stuff. Thanks for the post mate meant alot. I've get a few things I try and do now to kill the time and the temptation. And I'm now excluded from every account and near by bookies so that'll help massively. Keep it going. You'll be ending the year on a massive high. Great to see.

Sometimes it's having the patience to trust and belief that things will work out when making a change, things don't get answered straight away and it's almost the punishment for your mistakes- it's learning that patience. Gambling was always quick, you didn't really have to think about much else and there was no real reason to question it until you were losing... It's amazing how blinded we can be when we're winning. I can safely say I never really enjoyed winning any of my bets, I can't say I used the money wisely or thought about how my future would pan out, I was just stalling the future... Not taking responsnibility for my actions.

You have to trust yourself, you have to let others trust you because this journey is not something that you take alone... It's one big circle of trust and until those two ends meet then you can't stop working to get that trust back.

'Happiness is a direction, not a place'

Keep working hard and going pal.

It might turn out for the best, and if you keep it tight and not gambling, good things will come back for you

Cheers Joe, as you say good things take a little bit of faith... got a date with the lady so hopefully that goes well next week. We're getting on better after a bit of time apart and I'm still not gambling, where previously breaking up with someone would have been a perfect excuse. It's not the small victories that are important, my focus remains that I'll never be gambling again. I only have one chance to put things right and this is my chance.

I'm even smiling at spending 20 quid on a book, I would never have even attempted buying this book if I was betting. I might have had things I wanted before but the first sites I would be going to would be the gambling sites and you'd waste your time clicking away on those and finding ways to make/lose money and you'd forget about anything else in the world that you wanted... everything else seemed empty other than the gambling but now sitting on the other side and appreciating my life a bit more, I'm not happy when I'm happy; I'm happy when other people are happy... Seeing someone else smile is a real motivation, knowing you can be a part of someone elses happiness and I can say without doubt I would never have respected what that meant when I was in my own little bubble thinking about my gambling. So many waste days in a bookies or in front of a computer and for what... what was I scared of is what I ask myself now- anyway I'm no longer looking for excuses, just looking for truth. No more excuses, nothing to hide.

Hi ST

what a brilliant diary- you have done so well, stories like yours are an inspiration. I am gamble free at the moment and feel a bit proud of myself in that money I had to pay the bills actually paid the bills and didn't go on gambling, but I don't feel strong enough to keep it up,

Anyway am so happy for you, well done.

Stu

Hi stu38,

Thanks for your post. Im glad my experiences have been even a bit helpful and relative to your own situation. The thing is stu you say that you have "only" done 3 days but that is massive. The first morning, afternoon, evening is an achievement when you are gripped like i was. The first week is very hard but it gets easier. My mind is starting to want to now do the things ive been doing yesterday or the day before and not the gambling i was doing two weeks ago. Im not an achiever yet but i couldnt have got any lower in my standard of living so im heading in the right direction now. Give yourself a pat on the back and talk. Talk to people. Its invaluable because the gambler in you wants you to be isolated and alone so that do what the gambler wants. It is impossible to turn your life around without opening up your problem and keeping it open. Get week one done then go further. You will get there im sure. All the best.

6 weeks done, I found myself ticking off teams that I might have done in a bet, it didn't give me the urge to go down to the bookies or anything but it's one of those subtle temptations. Gambling has soured the taste of football in that way, I would be supporting rival teams from my own if it meant I would win money and it makes it all the more boring now. I want to get back to that kid that used to go to matches and actually enjoyed watching and supporting his team 100% and in some ways it's the same as my adult life I want to support the people around me 100%, be there 100% for the people that need me so that I can get the most out of my life.

If you're not gambling you deserve a little smile to yourself, whilst you're doing that think of the people that mean something to you... They're the ones that'll keep you smiling.

Doing todays post early as today I've had a breakthrough, sometimes you can try too hard and sometimes not try enough... Life is more fun when you don't know the outcome and just let things happen. Gambling isn't actually gambling because most of the time there's only one outcome, in life there are many and that's what I fear but by letting things happen you get to find out rather than never knowing at all.

Hi ST1985

just a flyer to say hello and good to see some really good posts on supporters and how that can help people to understand more the gambling mind and maybe not see it as personally.

I took a lot of strength from the CG's themselves last year when i got on the site as i heard it from the horses mouth from people who knew rather than getting more confused by people who have no idea about gambling coming up with reasons and making me more confused.

I too can identify with your now ex girlfriend (sorry if things have changed as i havent read more recent posts)..and like her I also had to leave my relationship as my mother was an alcoholic and it felt like history repeating again.I could not be myself and was on edge the whole time and being'"false"

Keep posting ST .you have a very good understanding of this cunning baffling illness and I am learning a lot reading your posts ..especially the things you say on pride and loosing face,.

onwards

R and D xx

I have only read a few of your opening posts today but will read your entire thread in the next few days when i have more time...I

Thanks for the comment dotty, I'm at the start of my journey I have quite a bit to work though thanks to my gambling and I'll work hard to prove that there are people that can be trusted, that I'm one of those people. If I'm honest stopping gambling hasn't given me real happiness it's more relief, I'll only be happy once things are fixed, that I don't have debt, that I'm doing more with my life, that I have a future and that'll all take time and I can't be who I want to be until I've put that into action. I want one thing, that's my girl back- there will be that emptiness when I don't get to see her face, just holding her chilling out thats when I have peace... The feeling that gambling has given me, emptiness. I have no control of this empty feeling, it's the feeling that will never take me back gambling- the constant reminder whatever may happen. It's knowing I messed up and that she deserves more than that.

What happened tonight- went for dinner tonight and watched a DVD with friends, not bad for a monday and was laughing at one stage could barely eat any food. Coming back to gambling, I don't even watch sport anymore, it's not that it'll give me the temptation just a bit bored by it all. I've noticed the internet is very boring except for social media, this site and watching videos. There's more out there in the world, with the people around us we can do a lot of good. Standing in a bookies watching a screen, sitting at a computer watching a screen- I'm starting to think part of the problem is the amount of screens I've been watching. It sounds like I'd be more suited to Victorian times by what I'm writing but I think what I'm looking for is something real.

Feeling a bit down in the dumps, still not gambling- that's all I'll concentrate on for now, no point trying to fight for things when the important changes haven't happened yet.

Aslong as your not gambling that is the main thing. Yes there's more important things in life but you won't get any of them if your gambling. You said in a recent post that the things you want and need will take time so be patient. You know things wont change over night - the gambler in us always wants the quick fix but it's just not that easy. Stay strong over Christmas and think of all the things that will get better for you in the new year. You talk a lot of sense in your post, trouble is sometimes we just don't listen to ourselves so keep listening and doing what you know is right.