22/12/12 A new start

Hey Ben

Well done and Congrats on 71 days, I wish you well with your new venture and hope it turns out to be a real success for you. Im sure nothing will stand in your way as long as you are free from gambling.

All the best

Thanks. I believe the main thing stopping me is if the going gets tough I will turn back to gambling.

Also, I am meeting a group of friends tonight to watch the utd vs Madrid game. being an arsenal fab this games means little, however meeting friends makes me want to put a few small bets on to make the game interesting, as a lot of my fiends will be doing likewise. Part of me feels like what the hell- put a couple of small bets on at the bookies, however I don't want to break the not gambling spell and want to be able to say 74 days gamble free tomorrow. I just worry if one of my friends offers to put a bet on or me on their online account and I just give them a fiver or something similar. I will admit it is a tricky 1 for me. Anyway I feel 95% confident I will not gamble to tonight, but after a few drinks- who knows?

77 days gamble free. It is not always easy- and I find it difficult to deal with stress, I guess gambling was my coping mechanism, so without it I am sometimes

a bit lost, and find myself getting annoyed at relatively minor things. I know I need to start exercising more to deal with current stress. Anyway, at least I am still raw enough to know gambling will never be the answer. X

77 days gamble free. It is not always easy- and I find it difficult to deal with stress, I guess gambling was my coping mechanism, so without it I am sometimes

a bit lost, and find myself getting annoyed at relatively minor things. I know I need to start exercising more to deal with current stress. Anyway, at least I am still raw enough to know gambling will never be the answer. X

85 days gamble free. I'm quite stressed with my life at the moment. Waiting for our flat to complete is taking it's toll- also my partner is due to give birth in 5 weeks, so it is not easy. I hope everything sorts it self out and I can focus on makingmbig money - without gambling. Anyway, I hope my feeling changes. Also, I'm not tempted to gamble today so I should be happy about that.

89 days free. I have read a few diaries lately and it is sad to see people who have lost control again and again. I don't want to end up being 50,having lost 50k online gambling, having worked hard my whole life. In some respects, I am lucky being under 30 to have figured out relatively quickly how much damage gambling was doing to my life. I can say since stopping gambling I have had more success at my business and I feel more in control and confident as a person. I still have a lot about myself I would like to change and I am far from feeling happy in my life. However, I know that I am more in control than I have ever been and the future looks positive. Although, 1 bet could change this- I do know that. I am proud to say I have not gambled a penny since the 22nd December 2012. X

Top man Ben have a good weekend fella 🙂

The bear x

Thanks, you 2. Although the weather puts you off doing anything.

Ben.

90 days abstinence for you today fella.

For that well done, it takes a huge effort.

At Ga we tell all new members to give it 90 days and you Will see what a difference abstinence can bring. Reading your diary that is happening to you.

For that be proud and i hope you continue to enjoy recovery.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Duncan. It is true that being gamble free has cleared my mind and helped me to focus on what is important in life. I still want to make a lot of money to be financially secure in the future, luckily I have learnt early on that if I am a gambler however much I make, I will always lose it 1 day.

I haven't actually been to a GA meeting, this diary has been my only therapy. I have considered going to one, however i just don't have the time. I am not sure if it would be worth going as I have a 2 week holiday over Easter. The only thing I am concerned with is becoming complacent- having read other diaries who have made it 100 days gamble free then started again.

I know the way I felt in December that if I gambled that money, I would lose my family and my unborn child would not grow up to respect me. I may well have had the shock needed to stop for good. that raw feeling when you have just lost almost 10k in less than a week. It is horrible and I NEVER want to experience it again.

I am pleased to say I rarely think about gambling, and when I do get that thought pattern I am able to control myself knowing what I could lose. For me that is enough.I don't use gam-block and have access to large amounts in my account, that if I wanted to access I could now go and put £1000 on a casino site. However, I know I won't because I have a child on the way, and I must not jepodise her future.

95 days gamble free

X

Ben.

Fella I have said many times upon this forum, for me recovery is bespoke, what ever stops you from having that first bet, Well keep doing it!!

I agree totally that you have motivation enough with that child on the way.

For this could be your mantra.

Whatever the stake of that first bet would be, that is the value you place on that child, as we know that first bet will lead to further destruction.

I know what the answer would be, there is no stake or odds worth the risk !!!

And that my friend is motivation enough.

Enjoy recovery, you are doing something amazing.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

102 days gamble free. I have made a great start- going over 100 days totally gamble free is an achievement for someone who would bet hundreds on the spin of a wheel, the turn of a card. It is strange not gambling, I do miss the excitement at times, but I prefer the inner calm I feel knowing my future is not determined completely by luck. It is feeling in control. I remember this time last year when I believed my gambling was somewhat under control, I would occasionally gamble big (£200 a day) but I never lost thousands at a time. I remember I had a bet on the Grand National. The horse at around 50-1, I had £30 so stood to win £1500. He was leading right to the end and then got beat on the line. It was a thrilling experience and although I lost I did enjoy being so close to winning. I feel gambling is like that sometimes and I can understand for people who can honestly just have the occasional bet fair play enjoy it for what it is. Although, I don't think there are that many who can really do that, as there is always the danger you will become addicted.

I remember losing £10 on online blackjack when I was 18 and being really nervous placing the bet and when I lost I felt bad and wanted to win it back. As I have got older the stakes have got higher, and would have continued to rise as I earnt more money. I could have had 10 million and would not have felt safe as their would always be a danger I would blown the lot. I now know once I make that kind if money, I will respect what it can do and not give a penny of it to the bookies or casinos of this world.

I have been feeling strange today. Almost the restlessness that I used to get before I went on a gambling binge. I haven't felt this way for quite some time, so I thought going on this site and writing down my feelings may help to stop the urge.

I transferred money from one bank account to another in cash (about £3000) for our house purchase and I just for a minute got the old feeling where I would take out cash and go straight to the casino.

After, I had lunch at McDonalds, and they have a monopoly game on which you get with your fries and drink. Anyway, I had a Sandwich meal and won a donut. I have since come home, and am at a loose end, what to do for the rest of the day. I have had quite a strong thoughts/feeling to start gambling on something or go to the casino.

I am not working today or all next week. This is probably the strongest I've felt for a long time, so I just need to find something to do and let it pass.

I feel more determined than ever not to let this addiction beat me and return as all the good work will have been undone, and I really am not sure I could recover if I lost big again.

104 days gamble free- I can do this!

Hi Ben,

Well done on your 104 days gamble free, you achieved that by taking it one day at a time, consider today as another one of those days, you will make the right choice and when the urges come replace that thought with the misery that gambling brought you.

I tell myself I can't win because I can't stop and if I don't place that first bet I am safe.

Keep yourself busy whilst your off, occupy that mind , do something different, the urges will pass and there just thoughts we don't have to act on them.

Stay strong.

Take care

Blondie

A lot of heavy drinking with friends the last couple of days. I needed that release. Still no gambling- my mum bought me a ticket on the grand national-£5 I have never told my family what a problem I have with gambling. They knew I wasted a lot if money at uni - but didn't know it was serious. Didn't win. Didn't even watch the race- although did enjoy checking result on BBC website. Strange feeling but didn't feel like proper gambling although I guess in someways it is.

I haven't bet on anything else and don't intend to start. I feel guilty saying 107 days gamble free- but I haven't placed a bet on anything myself. X