22/12/12 A new start

After a few drinks yesterday, I felt like going to the casino. That is the most tempted I have been for a long time. Even though it has been so long since I gambled, I got the same urge I have previously felt and the previous feelings of despair disappeared. I have been working hard lately and earning good money although i am still reluctant to spend, gambling has always been different.

Yesterday was the closest I have come

To gambling since I stopped in December. I had an argument with my partner and I left the house with the intention to go into central london to a casino and play poker. I needed a release from reality- luckily she called me when I was close to the casino and I chose to go home. I honestly did want to gamble and would have done if she had not called when she did.

Well done Ben, you definitely made the right decision. Unfirtunately for me, after just over 7 months free, I had what I can only recall as a "moment if madness" late Tues evening and gambled for a few hours. It just made me feel sad and stupid (not to mention all the money I lost)!!

Stay strong, you are making the right choices.

Take care.

Feb.

That goes to show however long u have been gamble free- we will never be totally free from this disease.

With time you forget the feelings of despair and remember the good feelings. The state I was in that night I almost couldn't. Stop myself.

I'm afraid to say I did give into temptation and went to the casino tonight. I had an argument with my partner and have been At the casino from 2pm-12am. I took out £100 cash and went to the poker table. I spent over £35 on drinks and finally called it a day with just over £100. I was down too less than £25 and at one point had over £250. I probably should have lost the lot but that is not the point. In some respects I feel glad after poker I chose not to gamble it away on blackjack. However, whichever way I look at it i still gambled which is disappointing. I admit at One point when almost losing the lot k dread to think what that may have lead to. Before leaving a crowd had gathered to watch a guy play baccarat. Although I struggled with the rules I did know he was winning then eventually lOsing thousands. When someone sat down next to him and he lost a few hands he turned into a horrible person - althOkugh Loud and offensive the staff let him continue playing, this made me consider however rich I may get- gambling will show people for what they are. I do hope I can build on my mistakes tOday and change for the better x

No gambling since last blip. Quite stressed at the moment as finances are stretched.

I have only gambled once this year, so I am definitely heading in the right direction. However, I am all too aware how quickly it can go wrong. If, I'm honest I have been too busy to gamble. I do miss the feeling and would like to go to a casino with £1,000 with no worries and potentially win a large amount. Although, I cannot get into this frame of mind as it will only lead to mistakes and potential ruin. Life is not worth losing over a turn of cards, although I'm not going to pretend it isn't enjoyable at times. But, the feeling of sickness in my stomach when I have lost a large amount overwhelms any feeling of enjoyment.

Still going gamble free. Life is definitely easier, however I still dream about a bet.....

I'm beginning to realise how much better my life could be if I don't gamble and organize my life. I may have set backs, but only I can control my choices and learn as I grow older.

With 2014 approaching, I have gambled on only 3 occasions this year.

The first was in September when I went to a casino and played poker - I was drunk but ended up even and decided to leave. Trigger-argument and as I was on holiday so had free time on my hands. The next two occasions were both recently in the last week. I bought a lottery ticket and a scratch card and then another lottery ticket. I believe the trigger for these purchases was the chance to win big and also being on holiday although the purchases were made suddenly at the till. Also, 2 days ago I had a free evening and decided I wanted to go to the casino in Central London. I went as far as getting a bus to a tube station. Then when I got to the tube station which would have taken me to the casino - the tube was delayed by 10 minutes, so I came to my senses and went home. Alcohol was involved in this decision.

So in monetary terms my gambling has cost me just £9 which compared to previous years is a positive.

I must now build on this and learn when I am vulnerable to gambling and find coping strategies- having a new born baby this year has definitely given me further reason not to lose large sums of money.

Ben

Fella recovery is about learning and you should be very proud of the journey you have made.

You have made the right choice constantly and I hope it continues with the same vigour through 2014.

Duncs stepping forward never back

It has been a while since posting on this site, which in my case has been a positive. In 2014, I feel I am more in control of my addiction than I have been thus far in my life. My partner read past bank statements in April online showing payments to online gambling sites. When she confronted me, I admitted that I had credit card debts of 8,000 from gambling. She was angry for some time, mostly upset by the lack of trust and hiding our finances from her. It was not an easy period, especially as she was abroad for 3 weeks soon after and most of my gambling had been when she had previously been away. She has made clear that this will be the last chance and I will be letting down her and our child if I ever risk our families future again. When she was abroad, I did play one game of poker for low stakes (10) at the local pub. She now regularly checks our bank accounts, so I have no way of hiding any future gambling. I actually felt a weight lifted off my shoulder when she found out. Having constantly hid letters from cc companies/banks etc I have less stress and worries. I realize we would be in a stronger position if I had never gambled although I hope this will be the start of getting our life sorted for the future.

It has been a long time since I last gambled and I feel a level of control I have not previously felt. I am working much harder in my career and earning more as not gambling gives me greater motivation to earn. I don't feel I have made it because life can change very quickly, but I feel calm. Our finances are in a much better place and owning a flat helps the sense of control.

Hi Ben.

Thanks for sharing, it's very inspirational to read.

Best wishes

Suzanne x

Over 6 months since I last posted- which having seen others posts could be taken as a sign that they have beaten their gambling problem or that they have given up and are beyond help. I have found myself looking at the 'new members intro' and 'recovery diaries' trying to recall how I felt over 2 years ago when I first joined this site. Desperate, shocked possibly one big loss away from being suicidal. I admit I have gambled less than a month ago when my partner was abroad winning £100 at a fixed buy in poker game and losing £5 twice at a local game. Apart from those ocassions I am proud to say I have not wasted any other money. I'm not going to condone still gambling but I do feel I have an degree of control over my addiction. Part of this comes from knowing there is no way I can hide an online transaction as I have a joint account, credit cards etc but more importantly the responsibility to my pregnant wife and beautiful daughter who will be 2 in 10 days time. I have paid off debts, our flat has rocketed in value so we plan to release over 130k profit from the sale and move up the ladder - looking back not gambling that 20k deposit was the best decision I have ever made. Life still has it's difficulties and daily struggles although I appreciate that that is what life is like as an adult. I must now continue to work hard and further improve my life. Hopefully this will help others . I wouldn't go as far as calling it 'inspirational to read' as my last comment (on my birthday) says but I am proud of the direction my life is heading. I no longer worry if my card will be accepted, if I will have the money to pay for essentials or walk for an hour to get back from the casino as I have no cash to pay for a taxi. Also, I no longer rush to get the post and hide it to ensure my wife does not see our current account. I have a weight lifted from my shoulder and would be a fool to return to gamble away the amounts I was wasting in 2012.