3 years of my life lost to Gambling

Hi Michael, well done for making you're way to this forum and for having the determination and strong will to make amends.

I can relate to your story as I also exhausted every cashback opportunity with QuidCo for all the online casinos, then made some money but only for a very short time before I ended up putting it back plus a lot more. The sick feeling you have is awful and we have all had it. Every gambler does when they reach their rock bottom and it is a necessary process we have to go through as part of early recovery.

You have made the right decision to install Gamblock (or Betfilter) as soon as your pending winnings go back to your account. After that you should email all the places you have active accounts with and explain that you have a gambling problem and wish to ban yourself permanently. Also state that if you ever contact them in the future asking to have your account(s) reopened they should refuse you.

The next stage is to forgive yourself for what you have done and to stop self-loathing. I was given this advice by another member only a few days ago because I also went back to gambling recently after a period of abstinence. I couldn't accept what I had lost and the damage caused to family and friends, not to mention my own mental health. It is the right advice because there's nothing we can gain by feeling sorry for ourselves, it can only hold us back from moving on with our lives. This is not an easy step to take but you will do it, as I am learning to.

A handy tip to remember is that money is replaceable but our mental health is not. Neither are strained relationships with family so go easy on yourself and keep doing what you've been doing on the work front to pay these debts off. You will clear them. There are members on this site who will be paying off gambling debts for many years. You are not alone so don't punish yourself for what has happened.

I have found that writing in my diary every day helps and reading other people's diaries (like yours) helps a lot. There is a Netline service on this site that connects you to a counsellor any time night or day. Also a chat room that opens at 8pm every night, and one to one counselling can be arranged if you call the helpline and chat to a counsellor over the phone. This site is fantastic and can be a lifesaver, literally; and it is provided free. Please make use of it Michael and use the support that is here for you.

I wish you well and will check your diary every day to see how you are getting on. All the very best.

Simon - Many thanks for your reply. In 2 1/2 years of fighting this addiction, you are the first person I've spoken to with similar issues to my own. I've attended counselling, but 1-2-1 only, and I none of my friends or family have similar issues. It's incredibly re-assuring to know, that there are other's out there willing to listen, give advice and encouragement as I fight this horrendous addiction. One which I thought I'd beaten, but I quite spectacular fell off the wagon 4 months ago.

So far, Day 1 started with a restless, poor night's sleep and me waking up tired and loathsome, and ... you've guessed, back onto the Gambling website ! 15 mins into Day 1, and I caved in !! Not the best of starts. I've never felt as down as I did this morning at about 07:30 after winning £500 as I did today - a completely pointless exercise. What's £500 in the grand scheme of things. I've convinced myself that even winning £5000 back (which will never happen) is nothing, so there's no point in risking it - my debts are not recoverable with any 'big' gambling win.

Since that moment of weakness, I've been OK today, although I've been completely down and unproductive at work. It's now 19:15, and I'm getting near the danger time. After the kids have been put to bed, my wife's out of the house, and I'm on-line. I know that I will get the urge in about 2hrs time. Need to fight this - 1 day at a time. Day 1 will be the hardest. However, I have your words of advice repeating over in my head. I'll stay logged onto Gamcare for the duration.

Time Since last bet : 24hrs

Gambling Debt Paid : £50.05

Money gambled : £0

Gambling Debt Left : £55084.06

Morning Michael. Every gambling story is different but the essence is the same. We are addicts and that is a mental issue. I have been gambling for over 25 years. Mostly on horses and football. Used to be in the bookies but with modern technology it progressed to online. I really felt for you when I was reading your story. I even read it out to my girlfriend. At first I was thinking you poor man. you have put yourself through hell. Luckily you have the support of a good family. When I read further I was appalled at your stupidity and weakness. Please let me say now that I am not judging you. I don't know you or your situation or you mine. We are on here because we have the same problem. I go to GA. I hate it because they all say 'nice' things and offer you support. I don't need to here that. I know what I have done is wrong and although I don't urge you to self berate, I do urge you not to self pity or accept pity from others. There is no cure for our illness. Only we can stop it. Don't beat yourself up but don't allow yourself to be weak. For your sake not mine. Please take this reply as a positive bit of advise and not done by an a******e preaching to you. I have a daily Blogg of how I am going to beat it. It's not necessarily right but it's 'my' way. Good luck buddy it's not easy.

Hi. Me again !!

I've just re-read my reply and wanted to say that I am not belittling GA. I still go. I am not calling you names or critising you. You have been very courageous to admit your addiction and strong because you are doing something about it. My point was that I dont respond to 'pity' and maybe, neither do you !! Its your recovery, your thread, your choice.Take care my friend

Chris

Chris,

No offence taken. I know what I've done, and I know how I'm going to put it right - and I know I can and I will - there is no other option. I WILL get my mind sorted, and I WILL pay all the money back - me alone. I'm not planning to go the Counselling or GA or any other support groups. I'd rather listen to the view of people who are not afraid to speak their mind and tell it how it is - the anonymous nature of this forum allows us to do this without any fear of recriminations. Say what you feel - really doesn't bother me, and all comments are very much welcomed.

However, your comment about weakness - a moment of weakness - yes, stupid - yes, but mark my words, I am not a weak person.

I live in community where most people complain like they have the weight of the world on their shoulders - like some of our friends getting 'stressed' about a £500 car bill, or another friend in tears over a £100 bill (yes, literally weeping) - these people are comfortably well off - mark my words. Only 4 people know about my Gambling problems - my parents, my wife and my sister-in-law. I have attended Gambling Counselling for a year, slaved, working 60-70hrs/week for 28 months trying to get mind and debt put right, whilst remaining loving husband and father - I have supported my wife through family issues, through the death of her mother. I've put up her sister-in-law (rent free) for months on end as literally can't be ar*sed to find her own place, I've remained cheerful and focussed at work with the threat of redundancy hanging over my head, and no pay-rise for 4 years. My performance at work has actually improved during the last 3 years, and I feel stronger every day. My kids are fed and clothed, do clubs, have nice Christmas's/Birthdays etc, have nice holidays, my wife goes out, buys nice clothes, etc. I've taken the hit - I get nothing - and that's the way it is. No-one suspects, friends and work colleagues what I've been through or going through now - I've faced the world and never uttered a word of my losses to anyone or hidden behind any excuses. This is not weakness, and this latest setback will only make me even stronger. I'm not apologising if this sounds self-congratulatory, because it's not. I'm writing this for my own good, as a reminder of how far I've come.

I believe our situation's make us stronger - we quite simply have to be. For someone to confront this, and do something about takes extraordinary strength of character and will-power - but there is no other option, it simply must follow - the fact we lapse back into old ways, is a reminder that we have to become stronger and anyone who has not been in this situation has no right to preach to you - whether at GA or wherever - because they have absolutely no idea.

Take care - Michael

Oh for f**k's sake...

I've given one the Casino's £15K of my hard-earned cash, and I manage to go 36hrs without logging on. It's obviously obvious to them that I have a Gambling problem - "Ha, ha, a vunerable punter - let's make him a VIP and give him a "free" £100 to Gamble with" - just received the e-mail whilst I was writing my previous reply - I'll pass on that.

They do not give a s**t about me. They say that they care - a tiny, almost unnoticeable link at the bottom of the web-page for "Responsible Gaming" surely proves it - a few clicks and you get to the following message

"Responsible gaming is taken very seriously at xxxxxxxxx"

"It's very important to remember that you must only bet what you can afford and always set yourself sensible limits."

... as though they could give a s**t. (Yes I have logged onto the web-site, and no, I haven't had any urges - just contempt)

However, they did raise £181,000 for Comic Relief so they can't be all that bad - I wonder how they managed to raise that ?

These On-Line Casino's would finish with you when you have only a P*t to P**s in, and then they'd take that off you as well.

I have utter contempt to any celebrity who endorses any Gambling or Casino, or any TV program who carry Gambling sponsors, or any football team who carries the name of Casino's. Cigarrettes are bad for you, and not endorsed, Alcohol is bad for you, and not endorsed. But gambling advertising is absolutely everywhere - I challenge anyone with £30,000 of Credit Card Credit, to not get trapped into Gambling when they have their first big win.

Anyway, all of this ranting has taken my mind of the G-word. Off to bed !! 2 days on wagon - get in !

Michael, let's focus here and keep things in perspective. Firstly, this is about you, not the casinos. Look after your own mental health please.

Secondly, the casinos don't give a d**n at all about responsible gambling and certainly not the player. Of course not. Why would they? We are their income. Its a heartless industry with heartless people running it. They don't earn money, they simply collect it. They are the rich who have just found another way of getting richer.

Let's not worry about it. Its really not important. You are important only. Just use your computer for Gamcare and checking you're emails. When you have finished, log off. I trust you have put Betfilter or Gamblock on? If not, do it right now.

Have a cup of tea, be calm, focus on yourself and your family and have a clear and rational head on your shoulders so you know what you are doing next.

Talk to you again soon. If you feel weak at anytime you phone Gamcare immediately. That's all you need to think about right now; and I am thinking of you. Talk to you tomorrow.

Time Since last bet : 2 days

Gambling Debt Paid : £76.33

Money gambled : £0

Gambling Debt Left : £55057.78

Time Since last bet : 3 days

Gambling Debt Paid : £96.80

Money gambled : £0

Gambling Debt Left : £55037.31

Nice one Michael. Keep going.

Still waiting for the last payment from the On-Line Casino to go back onto my card. Funny, it takes 5 seconds to deposit money into your on-line account, but 5 days for any winnings to be credited back. I'm really exposed without Gamlock block - but I don't want to put it on until the money is back into my account (it's a fair sum). I did get the urge today, and for once, I was exceptionally lucky because as I started logging on, the phone rang, and I was able to come to my senses - fate ? possibly. Must remain strong and not go back to my old ways.

Time Since last bet : 4 days

Gambling Debt Paid : £137.39

Money gambled : £0

Gambling Debt Left : £54996.72

Ok - messed up big style this afternoon, and I've lost an absolutely embarrassing amount of money which will take me at least 6 months to pay off. Needless to say, Gamblock has been purchased and installed - hopefully a strong enough barrier for whenever I get urges in the future. The money I've lost now in total is an excrutiating amount. So with the relief of Gamblock now installed, it's time to start fighting back. I'm feel that I'm in a very dark place at the moment, and I've been looking at how I get out - but I am going to do it, inch-by-inch. I don't want to lose my family, my house or my job, but I really am on the side of the abyss now, but there is light. This will take many years to achieve, and I won't allow to affect my relationship with my family or their quality of life - why should it ? I will use this thread to update with my progress.