I am 28 years old and hopelessly addicted to gambling.
For some reason - I want that opening sentence to be powerful. Largely because it's the first thing anyone (myself included) will presumably see each time they view the diary. In fact, I opened a diary on here last week, with a long opening explanation of my situation - then noticed I'd accidentally logged in with an old email address (the username of which is rather close to my real name) and immediately panicked about who might see it and deleted this. Frustrated, I didn't have the energy (or commitment) to write it all over again.
Anyway... Here I am. I will not run through my life story - although I did post on the New Intros page around the date of my last bet - which was 10/12/12. In short, I've spent 10 years gambling intermittently on dogs, horses, sports poker, roulette - and all in between. I'd estimate my total losses around 120k. Horrible to actually write that figure down...
My problem is not that I am constantly wanting to gamble. The majority of the past decade (certainly the latter half) has been spent abstaining - and doing so with considerable ease. Before last month, I spent 18 months happily gamble-free - set up a business, paid off all my debts, stuck a decent amount in the bank, and got engaged to my fantastic girlfriend. I then deposited 200 to play poker in a moment of boredom. 6 days later I'd lost 30k playing online roulette and was once again reduced to a sobbing mess of a man.
I still have not come to terms with these losses - and spend practically every waking minute thinking about them. But that's the reality... I can't change it. What I am now coming to accept is that this makes me as much of an addict as the person who gambles every day - and cannot survive without a bet. My habit manifests itself differently, but it's just as destructive.
I've tried GA / counselling / preventative measures (blocking sites & self-excluding) but never committed to recovery diary. So let's do this. I am hoping that making myself accountable to others in this community (in some way) might help me come to terms with my problems and finally beat this demon. God knows that being accountable to myself alone has not really worked so far...
Thanks for reading.
Welcome to the forum Desperate 123. It sounds like you have a pretty good sense of what you need to do in order to get started and you have gone for long periods without gambling. Good for you for coming back to your senses! You know that you cannot chase your losses. But, you can start over fresh. For me recovering from addictions has been a life long process with slips and relapses along the way. Each time I learn a little bit more about myself and why I choose to engage in self destructive behaviors. Read some diaries and write whatever whenever you want. I wish you peace and progress on your recovery journey friend. Take Care, - joan
Thanks Joan, I appreciate your kind words.
'self-destruction' and 'sabotage' are certainly terms that have become quite familiar to me. Like all CGs, I'm doing my best to understand why I always return to the destruction phase. Those around me (partner, family) are telling me to keep thinking of this as a 'blip' or 'minor relapse' but the amount of money I've lost makes it incredibly hard to bear.
Anyway, I'll keep posting on here - and other's diaries, in the hope that it is helpful
Hi Desperate, I identify with your post as you say you have spent much of your time "abstaining". I too have had many more non gambling days than gambling ones but it only takes one slip (through boredom or whatever) and we end up where you are now. It has to be about zero tolerance and "never again" meaning just that. I was clean for 7 months then somehow ended up gambling again and undoing lots of recovering. I stopped again in November and this time know that I cannot have the slightest bet. Sorry about your losses I really feel for you but I am also confident that you can turn your back on gambling for good with no slips in the future. One day you will feel better and then make sure that you don't relax and forget the pain you feel now. Best of luck. DB
Hi desperate123,
I recalled your earlier post on December 10 as I was till fresh on losing a big sum myself then. Similar to you, I myself don't have the constant urge to gamble, but for some unknown reason, I can easily be triggered suddenly, and once triggered, a between 3-15k can be lost within hours. I kept telling myself I can't win becauase I cannot stop and I hate the self-loathing bit aftef heavy losses, and now I just limit myself to small amounts of accessible cash whilst the rest stay in a bank that requires few days notice to withdraw.
I am now 35 days gamble free, and I wish you well in fighting these demons. I am sure you can beat this, just need to stay strong. No more letting those online casinos take away our hard-earned money. I have some friends who are auditors to online gaming companies, and you really don't want to know how much the directors of these companies get paid including bonuses. And these are all our hard earned money!
Thanks guys for your messages of support.
Jason - since our last gambling dates are around the same time (mine was 10 Dec, so basically 30 days ago) it would be great to keep in touch and see how the two of us are getting on.
I spoke to a counsellor today - who I am seeing privately. I am doing this off my own back (well, actually paying for it by borrowing from my family - since I have very little cash) as I had the luxury of 20 or so free sessions through GC last year. Their waiting list is long, and whilst it bugs me I can't do it for free any more, I accept that resources are limited and plenty of people need help. Honestly, I didn't realize how lucky I was - the help I received from GC was great and I'd urge anyone who's struggling to speak with them.
Anyway, today I've been talking a lot about dealing with things in an adult way. When I am at my lowest, I am like a child - petulant, dismissive, and unable to address my problems like a man. I'll manage this in small steps, and by accepting I need to change my outlook on life and the way I handle issues.
Good luck to all
Hi Desperate123,
It is a good idea to keep in touch and monitor each other's progress. We need all the support we can get because a moment of madness can undo all the hard work. Difficult times is when we are emotionally down or when a large unexpected bill arrives, and that is when temptations are strongest to return to the old ways.
I've never really considered counselling all this while. Maybe it is because I don't like the thought of explaining this shameful behaviour to others. If I do get into a mess again, it is something that I would consider.
All the best and YES, we know we can do this. It's just whether we want to do it or not.
Hi D123
Thank you for post. It is always great to receive words of support.
I have ready your diary and really feel for you. You seem to be quite intelligent and clearly from a professional background. It goes to show how anyone can be effected by this illness.
Still taking it day by day. Stay strong and keep fighting.
Mark
Just a quick check-in... although little to report.
No gambling - and no huge temptation. However, I remain constantly aware that it is only a click away.
Still feel this over-riding sense of anxiety; wanting to get things sorted right this instant - in an hour, or a day, rather than a month - or a year. The urgency is a 'panic-like' state: Must get my money back / Must do better at work / Must show people I'm recovering / Must become happier etc... This is never more apparent than when I'm 'in the zone': LOSE - DEPOSIT - LOSE - DEPOSIT - WIN - LOSE - DEPOSIT - DEPOSIT etc etc
That might sound like in-ane rambling, but the perfectionist within me wants to sort everything out an once. I know I cannot do this through gambling. If I hit the roulette tables again... I might win back some cash, I may even win back my £30k - but I know it will all eventually end up back with the house.
I am frustrated because I'm 30+ days since my last bet - and I still don't feel better. Time to take a step back and compare it to how I felt in the hours after that binge (not far off suicidal). Small steps in the right direction...
Good luck to all
Hi desperate, you are doing brilliant so be proved of how far you have come and what you have achieved. Us compulsive gamblers are impatient it seems to be a common trait, recovery for me isnt jus about stopping gambling it is also about change so every day I practice patience and try to celebrate the small victories. Recovery is a marathon not a sprint try and sit back and enjoy it a little. One day at a time you will get there. Take care blondie
My god you sound like me
Ive tried EVERYTHING Desperate
Been to councilling non stop, excluding myself, blocks etc but it always comes back round
And nothing struck a cord with me like
DEPOSIT-LOSE-DEPOSIT-LOSE repeat
When it that cycle its almost impossible to stop
I dont have any particular advice on stopping, if i did then i wouldnt be where i am
But i remeber starting a diary and ive only come back on here about 4 hours ago after 10 months away and i read everything i posted previously
Its made me want to start day 1 again...cause i enjoyed it when i did it before....it feels like some sort of hope
Good luck and keep going.....
NIboy - thanks for your input.
No gambling, but just trying to stay positive. Incredibly difficult... Getting up at 7am - back to humdrum of a job that is (potentially) lucrative but requires a hell of a lot of dedication, commitment and focus.
Am founding myself (literally every 2-3 minutes thinking):
- How have I been so stupid?
- How have I thrown every hard-earned penny (30k) away in 6 days of madness?
- Can I really start all over again from scratch?
I know I can... and will. Because I have to.
it's the only option.
Things seem almost unmanageable, but each day that goes by should become a tiny bit better. 35 days gamble-free now - onwards and upwards.
Desparate.
35 days of taking control of your life is something to be immensely proud of.
The money is gone fella you can't win at back.
Let it go, you can't change the past but for 35 days you control your future.
Through this forum and ga, the what if?? Questions the one that beats us up most.
I don't have the answer, but through abstinence i have a great resolve.
My answer i put into life what i put into gambling, through it i feel like a winner.
The road long, many bumps, twists and turns.
A year ago next week i was one day from losing my house,through honesty and hard work we still have it, i still have my family, something through my addiction i was prepared to stake.
Life Will improve. Without doubt.
Just for today my friend better your tomorrow.
Duncs stepping forward Never back
Hi Desperate,
Sometimes asking how or why we did what we did can be a form of torture, we dont have the answers ? and maybe we never will.
When i gambled I had no thought for anything or anyone else, nothing else mattered, I didnt care how much money i lost, I didnt care how i was going to pay the bills, I didnt care what commitments I didnt meet because gambling was more important.
When out of action it was only then that the questions came, Why did i do it ? How could i be so selfish, stupid ?
I still cant answer those questions, but what i do know 100% without question is, that i cant place not 1 single penny on gambling because then i know that madness will begin again.
Whilst i abstain from gambling i can think logically , I can see clearly. I dont ever want to go back there it terrifies me, so today I say to myself like i have every morning for the past 8 months. "Just for today I will not gamble"
I can do anything for 24 hours and the days have mounted up into weeks and months.
It will take time it wont happen over night but your situation will improve, be patient, be focused and be committed to what your trying to achieve.
Best wishes ,
Take care
Blondie
Duncan / Blondie - thanks for sharing your thoughts, it's much appreciated.
Duncan - sounds like you've made great progress in the past year, so many congratulations - and your advice is very useful to me. Blondie, your comment 'I still cant answer those questions, but what i do know 100% without question is, that i cant place not 1 single penny on gambling because then i know that madness will begin again.' is so so true. I abstained for a long long time... but eventually that complacency crept back in and I capitulated.
In a way, I always find it refreshing to think of it in such black and white terms. I may have over-riding issues to deal with / problems elsewhere in my life and it's easy to get bogged down and think 'god this is all just too much to take - I'll never understand why I do this'. But the actual act of gambling - placing a bet / depositing money online whatever - is a black or white decision. Will I gamble or not? Yes or No. Whilst I say NO, I've got a good chance of getting the other stuff sorted.
I think today's Day 37 for me. Onwards and upwards.
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