I for one, wouldn’t have believed I could do it. Here I am gamble free for 3 pay days. Wow. So why do I still feel so dirty and ashamed?
My brain still wants me to be hurting. I tell myself daily I am a survivor, I am winning at life. I am not going to gamble. So why can’t my brain just let me enjoy this feeling. Instead I am angry, frustrated, argumentative.
Do something to distract yourself they say. Take a walk, make a cuppa, talk to someone. That’s it isn’t it, after the initial angry outbursts from family. The friend that walked with me, the weekly counselling There is nothing. I must be cured!!! If only eh!! They don’t get it! They certainly don’t want me harping on about it. My struggle, my brain, my addiction. I don’t want to gamble and I know I can’t get any cash to do it but the feeling lingers. I have this constant voice in my head. I am rubbish, I am not worthy, it’s all my fault. I am an addict!
Hi
Clean for 73 days good for you.
Nothing healthy is gained by calling our self names saying we are dirty we are just emotionally vulnerable.
Having a healthy conscience will cause us to feel guilty ashamed or embarresed by our unhealthy habits.
In the rooms of recovery in time we get more honest with our self and over more time more honest with others.
When people ask a question how are we, they often know things are not quite right with us.
Pains of my past cause fears in me that I did not understand or appreciate.
For me my addictions were very unhealthy.
It was a kind of self abuse and neglect.
The more pains I caused my self, the more fears grew in me.
If my boss asked me to work a whole month with out pay what would be my reply.
Yet time and time again I wuld give all my hard earned money to complete strangers while I and my family went with out.
Self abuse is very unhealthy for my self and my family.
Being in so much pain and with so many fears I could not have emotional intimacy with my family.
I even felt that I did not deserve to be loved.
In the recovery program I would reduce my fears.
In the recovery program I would learn to heal my pains.
In the recovery program I would learn to live fro today with out having a bet or gamble on any thing.
You say that you are angry I understand that my anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains not haled, due to my fears and also due to my unreasonable expectations of life people and situations.
Being argumentative indicated the pains with in me.
By starting conflict I could blame others for me running away to be in action.
In the recovery program I would learn to write down my needs, my wanst and in time my healthy goals.
I would understand that I use to procrastinate in so many unhealthy ways.
By facing and understanding my procrastinations I would get more healthy thinsg done in my life.
I woudl exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.
Going to counselling is a healthy habit.
I found for me that counselling worked once my fears were reduced.
My addictions and obsessions was an unhealthy loop where I could nto understand my self or what I was doing.
The money was just the fuel for my addiction.
And sadly I would think the only way I could be succesful in my life was down to winning money gambling or getting some thing cheap.
Recovery is a healing process and takes time.
The money was never going to heal the hurt inner child in me.
The money was never going to reduce my fears.
The money was never going to make me feel succesful in my self.
Handing over all finances was hard for me.
Yet I could not be trusted with money or credit cards.
In time once I was clean and productive I woudl value money and value my self.
Nothing healthy is achieved by beating our self up or calling our self names.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
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