A fresh start (again)!

I have been gambling ever since I was little.Back then it was harmless, family entertainment and I have very fond memories of my Dad, brother and I visiting various amusement arcades and spending our pocket money.Happy shared times.

When I started earning my own money and when student loans were given to me,credit cards and bank loans,I suddenly started spending more than I could afford.Then 6 years ago I started a new job which turned out to be the worst job ever - and I was signed off work sick.During this period,I began gambling on online casinos...at first winning lots but then gradually increasing my bets,winning,losing and then chasing losses.

Last year I started counselling and managed to abstain for a few months,but every time I had a blip I used to beat myself up and think of myself as a failure. Also,my blips incurred masses of new debt on myself.

This year,I have had two major losses in my life.Once again my gambling has become out of hand and I have,in recent weeks,been desperate to stop completely. But I keep having blips.

Today,after much deliberation,procrastination and thought,I am going to start controlling my gambling.I feel that I can never stop completely,so why beat myself up every time I fail,because let's face it,I will fail...time and time again.

Until I am ready to say goodbye to gambling forever,I am going to put all of my effort into controlling,because I feel that it is right for me and my personal situation.

I will do my utmost to carry this through. I know it's not ideal for a compulsive gambler not to stop completely,but honestly,every time I have a slip I end up thousands more in debt.So I am ready to try anything.

I will set myself a weekly affordable limit within my monthly budget and I will stick to this.I will also agree with myself set times when I am allowed to gamble.

I just feel that I need to do what is right for me at this stage in my recovery.

I never used to have a gambling problem.I used to control my gambling - and that is what I am setting out to do once again.

Had a really positive day.Feeling good about myself and about life again.

There are so many things in life to be excited and happy about.

Things are really starting to look up.

Hope everyone has had a positive day android achieving their personal goals.

Hi sully

Recovery from self destructive gambling is what we are all here for and we are all on the same roller coaster ride but we all do it in different ways it does not matter as long as we achieve what we really want to

It's our own personal journey

Well done for trying another route because if at first we don't succeed we try some other way

Keep staying positive and stay safe

Best wishes

Suzanne x

Thank you Suzanne - I appreciate your comments.

Hope your journey is going well too.

Forgot to check in yesterday.

Had a really positive day spent with family and friends.That makes such a positive difference to my mental state of mind.

All going well.

Hiya! Just wanted to say well done to you and I'm glad you had a lovely positive day x

hope you have another sunny day tomorrow x

Laura x

Another few positive days.

Got to go back to work next week so getting a little bit stressed by that - but I am sure it will all be ok.

Hi sully

Keep going stay strong and positive

Well done

Suzanne x

The last few days have been hard and I am learning once again all about my triggers.When I get the urge to gamble,I don't have enough strategies at the moment to resist for long,especially if that urge has been caused by a fight with my ex partner,from whom I only split a few months ago.

I go back to work this week which will give me a new focus.I have already reached my limit I allowed myself for the month,so in order for that to remain a viable option instead of total abstinence. I must do absolutely everything I can to abstain from gambling until the new monthly cycle starts,otherwise I am clearly just kidding myself.

I felt incredibly depressed the other day but have started to talk about my feelings with one or two people who are close to me.

I mustn't be too hard on myself - I have done lots of positive things too and I have been trying to help others - especially my Auntie whom I visit twice a week in hospital.

I keep having to tell myself I am not all bad. There is good in my soul.

I have been struggling with my gambling over the last couple of months.I was signed off work for 4 weeks with depression (finding it hard to come to terms with losing Dad earlier in the year).I tried to limit my gambling but was unable to (as usual) because I am a pathological gambler.I play until every last penny has gone.I have finally today self-excluded from the last local arcade I go to.The nearest facility will now involve an hour's drive so I am hoping this is going to help me break the habit.In the last few weeks I have spent far too much money on gambling - money that I could have used for much better things.I am going to try to write on here every day to maintain my focus.

Why can't I stop gambling?

I am weak and stupid.

i have wasted hundreds of pounds in the last few weeks - money that I can't afford and which could have been used for much better things.

I want to beat this for good - I really do...when I wake up tomorrow I want it to be the first day of a gambling free journey.

Any help or support from anyone would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Sully,

Just wanted to post quickly to you before I head out to let you know I had a very quick read through your diary earlier on - well done for coming back.

As I say I'm heading out now so I'll come back a bit later when I've had time to read your story properly and I can take the time to post something meaningful.

Until then stay strong, you're not alone
Jess

Hi Sully

Just read your last few posts, I also will try and read more later as the day progresses.

You say you're weak and stupid. I doubt that a stupid person would be aware that they have a gambling problem let alone want to do something about it. So stupid can be crossed off the list!.

Weak, not if you're prepared to fight the demon that is gambling. Your last couple of posts have mentioned money for better things, something each and everyone of us can relate to. Give yourself a new focus, maybe make a short list of what some of these better things are. Keep it in a prominent place to help focus the mind.

I had a list, keep it in my phone, and every now and then a reminder will pop up for something off the list to keep me focused.

It is tough, but many people on this forum will be able to offer good advice that has worked and is working for them. Take the bits that work for you and use them in your fight.

And post on your diary as often as you can. Even if its a short note, it is something for you to refer back to.

I wish you well.

M

Hi Sully,

I've had a chance to read through your story and first off I'd like to say I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad, don't beat yourself up over taking time to grieve for him. Also, your breakup, it's another loss of a different kind but still a loss all the same. 7 years is a long time and it's also going to take time to get over.

I'm new to the site, 11 days, fail, and back on 11 days today. I posted yesterday in my diary that things feel different for me now. I can see now that when I first signed up, it was really only an attempt to make myself feel better, like you (in your early posts) I had no intention of stopping for good, purely damage control, I'd make an attempt to stop but in the back of my mind really I knew I'd still gamble but only a little bit. People would give me a pat on the back when I failed and say never mind start over tomorrow.

After my blip I finally admitted to myself that there was no way on this earth I was ever going to control it. It won't happen because it can't happen. I am a compulsive gambler and I will be until my dying day. So what is the point in it? There is no joy left in it because I can never walk away. It will never make me rich, because I'll still not be rich enough. All that is left for me if I gamble again is pain, misery and no doubt a whole load of debt to follow. That isn't what I want in my life, why would I? I want to spend my wages on nice things, holidays, cars etc I work bloody hard for my money so why should I spend it lining someone else's pockets.

Being a gambler doesn't make you weak or stupid. It's an addiction that affects us mentally. It's a habit, which we need to break. Many people here talk about that voice in their head (myself included) it's like we all have an internal war going on in our brains, rational vs irrational. What we do on any given day depends on which voice we listen to. We can listen to the one that says 'just spend a fiver' or we can listen to the one that's usually in the background screaming 'don't you dare spend that fiver because then you will spend another then another then another because you will not stop at five pounds. You never have in the past why do you think today is any different' (just to be clear I'm not yelling that at you - that's my own voice in my own head!)

I've made my final choice now and I will spend everyday listening as hard as I can to that voice until it becomes the dominant one again. I have everything to gain by stopping or everything to lose by continuing. It's a no brainer really.

As for people posting or not posting in your diary, I wouldn't take it personally. I think there are so many people here, in so many various stages of recovery that it's hard to read and comment on them all. I know I read as many as I can each day but I'd rather take the time to say something useful as opposed to just a quick well done (but I can and will do that if you think it will help you) You can also tell many diaries have friendships within them that have been built up over time. My advice would be make your diary personal, write it to yourself as your own record of your good and bad days, so you can see how far you've come. If people chip in, fantastic, if not write something into someone else's. I'm finding the whole diary thing really therapeutic, it also helps fill up my time...meaning less time to be tempted to gamble and that's got to be a good thing, right?

Take care and (hopefully) congratulations on making it through day 1
Jess

I'm back and I want to state for the record that I am serious about stopping gambling for good now.I am in such a mess and I know that allowing myself to gamble is just making it worse and worse.I am moving to a flat on Saturday which is going to be a fresh start for me in so many ways,and I want to make sure that it's symbolic in terms of being a fresh start for me in terms of my abstention from gambling.I need to realise that I can't chase my losses anymore - they are far too massive and they are in the past.I need to focus on the present and on the future.I will try my best to post on here as much as possible and read other people's journeys.It is 11.36pm on Thursday 26th February and I don't want to gamble anymore.