A new dawn

Well that is the weekend just about chalked off and I will be pleased to put it behind me. I am not going to dissect it too much but will talk it through with counsellor this week. I would like next weekend to be a different experience. 

An early start in the morning for work. I am loving work at the moment so tomorrow will be a good day. With a bit more time I will get the other aspects of my life into a better balance. 

G’nite all

Nite n bless x tomorrow is a new day 

Good morning, I am up with the larks this morning for work. I feel like I have swallowed a bunch of razor blades today, really sore throat. I am sure it will pass soon enough. Either way, it is Monday, I am here and ready for the week ahead. 

Oooo you don't need my advice on sore throats. Suffice to say get well soon.. 

At least with our fingers doing the talking we can communicate here and chat ?

Have a decent day. Take care x boo

22 days gamble free.

Diary, apologies for the long entry today but I think the cork is finally coming out of the bottle...Lots of time to think overnight. I don’t sleep well on Sundays at the mo, my mind wanders back to where I was 3 weeks ago today and they are not good memories. I need to draw strength from what I thought was probably the worst and last day of my life. For a start, I am still here 3 weeks on and although not consistent yet, I am finding some happiness again.

I also read my whole diary again and only recognise parts of it. I don’t seem to have been writing consistently about what is really going on. I think it may be because I am conscious of other people’s recoveries and vulnerabilities as well as my own, or maybe I just don’t like facing reality.

Work again today and it feels wonderful to say that not even a sore throat and banging head could stop me from having a great day. I have come to realise that I actually quite like my work self. The job isn’t easy but I am happy, I make other people happy and I am managing to make consistently good decisions. Now I just have to focus on transferring that to my non work life.

I can’t fathom out why there seems to be two "me's" at the moment but at least I quite like one of them. One for the weekly counselling session I think. This week I am hoping to start counselling proper. The first two sessions have been a bit tame because I was not in the right zone on the screening tools. Hopefully this week I will be in the zone ?

Tomorrow is payday. I will not be seeing my wage this month. I made the decision to have it paid directly into hubby’s account and I know that is how it needs to be for now. I can’t trust myself yet. I think I have a reasonable grip on my gambling problem but I know that my self destruct button is still well and truly wired, I have tested it. I am vulnerable to substituting gambling with other risky behaviours and I cannot go there again. I can see that my husband is scared when I talk to him about my less constructive (to put it mildly) thoughts and behaviours but he says he wants to know about them and I believe that he really does. I am so lucky to still have him in my life and don’t want him to spend the rest of his days wondering what bombshell I might drop next.

I know things will begin to get better the more I see the me that I like again.  I need to feel good about the decisions I make in and out of work and to do that, I need to make good decisions. I will start by making that my objective for the next 7 days.

The whole wage thing feels hard for my husband, he feels like he is controlling me and he doesn’t want to. I don’t feel like that. I just keep reminding him of the ugly stuff like last month’s pay gone before the day was out, bills not paid, money borrowed. It will be a bit of a faff with Xmas coming but nothing that can’t be overcome. At least we should have some money to worry about.

Pleased to get that all off my chest, I have been burying it most of the weekend. I know that if I am going to make a success of my recovery, I need to speak truth to myself more often. Head in sand doesn’t work. I am in a much, much better place than I was 3 weeks ago and I need to make a point of reminding myself about that, however painful it feels to revisit things.

Enough of the self indulgent ramble now. This is closer to the real me at the moment, I am doing ok but still work in progress.  The support from GamCare and the GamCare community has got me through some very dark days, thank you x

Looking forward to chat later this evening 

It's a tough road murlo.. I feel like I am happy but keep looking over my shoulder as if I am being watched. 

I should have so much money in the bank but haven't. I should have not gambled but i did. I should have listened but I didn't. I like to think that most of you on here are younger than me and have years ahead of saving money and not wasting it.. 

You are where you are now..wounds take time to heal. Being in recovery is almost like post traumatic stress.

I heard yesterday about a town 3 miles from us having a new bookies opening. It was an old bookshop sadly closed to lost profits. In that one Street in town alone are two casino shops one pub where people are often drunk and maybe drugs. And now a bookies.. A recipe for more distaster. This insidious increase in gambling venues leaves me struggling.. But it is as it is. 

We have gamcare. We have love. A regular income. We have hope. 

? Thank you Boo. You are right, there is hope and I am starting to see a glimpse of it x

Good long entry there Murlo. I think these diarys have missed the transparency of late. So good on you.

Thoughts - I think or should say I know that this addiction hits the other half double whammy compared with us addicts and shoot, it's not as if we can fathom it. Just thinking with with the wage thing, your hubby married you, not a child and that's maybe where he is with his confusion. Also an element of PTSD, hes struggling with ? 

Apologies if I haven't articulated myself very well, so only thoughts. So, albeit your dealing with this in a admirable well, your hubby also needs reassuring that he's got his Mrs back.

Wishing you well

So next week I will be home alone, all week. Hubby hasn't been away with work for ages, Sod's law it happens now. I really don't like my own company at the mo (if I ever did). At least I have time to think and plan a bit.

We talked about him being away, we are both bothered about it but for very different reasons. I suspect it boils down to the same thing in the end. There are things I can do to make it a bearable week, I just need to do them. Will have a think overnight. 

Thank you for the post the revenant,

Absolutely spot on reflection. Had a long chat with my husband this evening and his anxiety is about seeing the independent thinking, free spirited bit of me go. Money isn't the thing that makes or breaks that and I think we have worked that through between us now. I would like it if he sought help for himself but right now, he wants to work through this on his own. Thank  you for taking the time to read and respond.

Murlo, 

I just wanna say I'm really proud of you. I love the way you engage with people on chat and remember the little details about their days and comment and ask them about stuff. You are a sweet natured soul and I am pleased to share in your recovery journey. 

Drama

xoxoxo

Drama, thank you. Lovely post to wake up to this morning. 

Morning, up and ready for work. I have virtually no voice this morning ?. Some may say that is a good thing!

It is a filthy morning, heavy rain again. I would have loved a short sharp clear your head sort of walk this morning but not going to happen in this weather. I am hoping I have been paid. Not going to wake hubby up just to ask him although I have felt like doing so for hours. I am sure he will tell me when he wakes. 

Hope to join chat later x

Oh dear on the voice.... 

Enjoy your day and the fact you took control of the money situation.. 

Life has a way of sorting itself out

. Boo x

Day 23 gamble free and payday.

Another long post today diary.

Busy old day today but I am not complaining. It is nice to be pressed for time because I have worthwhile things to do. Work was tough today, in an emotionally challenging way. I feel like I have dealt with it well, hopefully made a positive impact for someone in their time of need. In a strange way, it is good to be experiencing emotions again.

I have been paid, money safely in my hubby’s account so that is a relief. He has just learnt that he will be away from home for 9 days from next week. We will need to work out how we deal with money while he is away. I do not want unfettered access at the mo. I have some thoughts about how I will fill my time without him. Being back at work is a huge help.

Had my counselling session this afternoon and I was in the right zone for a proper session. I will spare the details but suffice to say it took to me to places that I have not been in a long time. I really admire the skills of these counsellors, how you can take someone into the darkness and back out in a hour beyond me. We had time to begin to talk about my home alone fears and think about some self care strategies. I am learning that there is no recovery rule book and I need to find my own way, albeit with help and support.

I promised myself that I would make good choices in and out of work and today I feel that I have achieved that. A few more days of the same before my hubby goes away and I might just loosen the wires on my self destruct button.

We both want to know that I will be safe while he is away and today feels a step in the right direction. I know that my concern about him going away is centred around my own needs and believe me, I am needy at the mo. More than anything, I want him to have a bit of a break from the chaos and turmoil that comes with being with me as I am right now. It is time to shift the balance a little.

This weekend will be important. I need to unclip my wings and fly solo for some of it, safe in the knowledge that my hubby is there to catch me if I fall. A bit like a test flight. Just for the record though diary, I won’t fall. I will make sure of that. Hold me to that promise when I come back next week.

I might not be where I hoped I would be 3 weeks into my recovery but that's ok, I just need to keep heading down the right path.

chat later