A not so secret diary of a compulsive gambler

Day 82

Hi Guys thanks for you posts, What i have learned from GA is that every meeting is diffrent. End of the day it is a fellowship of people there to help each other stop gambling, Like this forum or like other things out there. It just follows the 12 step program. I wish anyone doing it the best of luck but as i said one shoe does not fit all and i am pretty positive in my recovery. Hi Tommy thanks for the message mate i hope you are ok! I am all good! I enjoy writing but i feel a need to do it maybe a few times a week rather than daily....

So whats going on... I am all good no real urges and nothing really to report. I will say i feel a lot more comfortable when i am in areas where i have bookies with barriers in place but its all good and dont feel the need to go in have a few coping mechinisims anyway but never felt the need to use them Yet.

So my ex rang me up last night..... Looks like she is moving into temporary accomidation with the kids untill she has a place, she has been over friends so calved up the house over the phone furiniture wise.... Was productive. she is having our old room the kids rooms tumbledryer fridge freezer and the dyson. Iv got my room the lounge furniture.... So basically need to go and buy a new bedroom for my daughter and a new hoover by saturday..... No pressure haha its fine got a few handme downs from friends for the rest. Feeling like it is another tick in the box. Just the divorce pay her some money for house and formal access to the kids to sort nothing major honest....... Still waiting for mediation from her end.

Feel a little low today to be honest. I have been working so hard i just feel flat. last 6 weeks been pulling 60 plus hour weeks takes its toll on you especially with being a sole parent half of the time and trying to juggle in some sort of soical life which consists of maybe 2 nights a week seeing s**y cardiff chick for a walk or just a film and well.... you know haha. Need some downtime so after sunday gonna stop the overtime for a few weeks then have two weeks off. Its funny as we have to take the good days with the bad but isnt it nice that even on a really flat few days i feel so much happier than when i wasnt gambling... I told my daughter off this morning and feel guilty she was crying about her softtoy and said that she didnt need to take but its her comforter my parents were like why didnt you bring it. Dont know why i did it feel really guilty now upset my daughter my parenting skills questioned by parents not a nice feeling.... Not exactly bad parenting but still feel a bit sensitive at the moment with what i am doing and am i making my daughter happy am i giving in to her too much and she is going to be spoilt. I feel that at the moment i am struggling more with adapting to being a single dad than being bet free to be fair i know it is a period of adjustment and every day it will get easier blah blah blah but its about the now. have another 7 days in work after today then a 4 day weekend. Then i have 4 days in work then i have 17 Days off! Boom happy days!! I cant wait for some time off will get a really got pay from work in August too as been working every hour under the sun! going to go do somthing nice with my daughter go to a zoo and maybe another day out.

Day 82

Hi Guys thanks for you posts, What i have learned from GA is that every meeting is diffrent. End of the day it is a fellowship of people there to help each other stop gambling, Like this forum or like other things out there. It just follows the 12 step program. I wish anyone doing it the best of luck but as i said one shoe does not fit all and i am pretty positive in my recovery. Hi Tommy thanks for the message mate i hope you are ok! I am all good! I enjoy writing but i feel a need to do it maybe a few times a week rather than daily....

So whats going on... I am all good no real urges and nothing really to report. I will say i feel a lot more comfortable when i am in areas where i have bookies with barriers in place but its all good and dont feel the need to go in have a few coping mechinisims anyway but never felt the need to use them Yet.

So my ex rang me up last night..... Looks like she is moving into temporary accomidation with the kids untill she has a place, she has been over friends so calved up the house over the phone furiniture wise.... Was productive. she is having our old room the kids rooms tumbledryer fridge freezer and the dyson. Iv got my room the lounge furniture.... So basically need to go and buy a new bedroom for my daughter and a new hoover by saturday..... No pressure haha its fine got a few handme downs from friends for the rest. Feeling like it is another tick in the box. Just the divorce pay her some money for house and formal access to the kids to sort nothing major honest....... Still waiting for mediation from her end.

Feel a little low today to be honest. I have been working so hard i just feel flat. last 6 weeks been pulling 60 plus hour weeks takes its toll on you especially with being a sole parent half of the time and trying to juggle in some sort of soical life which consists of maybe 2 nights a week seeing s**y cardiff chick for a walk or just a film and well.... you know haha. Need some downtime so after sunday gonna stop the overtime for a few weeks then have two weeks off. Its funny as we have to take the good days with the bad but isnt it nice that even on a really flat few days i feel so much happier than when i wasnt gambling... I told my daughter off this morning and feel guilty she was crying about her softtoy and said that she didnt need to take but its her comforter my parents were like why didnt you bring it. Dont know why i did it feel really guilty now upset my daughter my parenting skills questioned by parents not a nice feeling.... Not exactly bad parenting but still feel a bit sensitive at the moment with what i am doing and am i making my daughter happy am i giving in to her too much and she is going to be spoilt. I feel that at the moment i am struggling more with adapting to being a single dad than being bet free to be fair i know it is a period of adjustment and every day it will get easier blah blah blah but its about the now. have another 7 days in work after today then a 4 day weekend. Then i have 4 days in work then i have 17 Days off! Boom happy days!! I cant wait for some time off will get a really got pay from work in August too as been working every hour under the sun! going to go do somthing nice with my daughter go to a zoo and maybe another day out.

Day 84

So Been a very very hard week work wise a bit fried and working all this weekend. But only doing one site today so decided to do tonight and have the day to chill.

So my ex has been over today to pack up all her stuff to move to a new house. Was refreshing to have a coffee mild chit chat about things and be amicable said it has been over a week since a major argument and it needs to stay like that!! OK lets be fair there will be a few hurdles in the road before this is over! and tbf we are gonna fight but touch wood its progress. So got 30 mins to kill i am in a town north of cardiff and everyone is about to go out. Right now i am staring at hmm 3 bookies out of this window and can walk into any of them i have my wallet on me and time but i am refusing to do it! No urge to do so..... It feels great! I hated the person i was when i was gambling my life is so much happier though not gambling. I feel a little stressed with work and may the whole needing to sort out beds and stuff for when the kids stay over but its great im not thinking you know what i have 100s sitting in my bank account i could gamble that to earn enough money to buy a bed and still have the money there! what kind of logic is that!!! It is nuts! Feelks like i am turning a corner at the moment with moving on from the wife! My ex seems happy work is very very busy but its good as keeps me focued and is earning me shed loads in overtime which has gone to my solicitor lol

So guess i best crack on finish the job off Gonna pop in and see my s**y cardiff girlfriend on the way home! She is a lot of fun and seems to make each other laugh all of the time! Its good.

Hope you all enjoy the rest of your weekends

A great couple of posts bud one was so good you posted it twice.

I'm glad things are working out and you to be dealing with the ex better. And as for s**y Cardiff girl good luck to you does she have a sister lol

KTF

Day 89

Cheers Martin! Welsh women is what it is all about lol... 🙂

So i set myself a target some 80 odd days ago i wanted to reach day 90 and be off the Bet well as from Tomorrow i will be 90 days... off the bet. 3 months give or take a day. im pretty chuffed with myself for getting to this stage my recovery has been a little more stressful to me as going through the process of a divorce. So around the 30 day mark i went and meet a very good tattoo artist explained my story and said at 32 i have wanted a tattoo for many years a have wanted a tree of life and i gave the tattooist a deposit which i couldnt really afford at that point but knew i was going to reach that 90 day mark. So Tomorrow i am having my first tattoo so a tree of life i am having it on the outside of my upper left thigh it is fairly big it is a tree in a circle and the circle is open and birds are flying out. the tree is my strength and the circle to me is the cycle that i have broken and the birds are freedom i have seen the scretch and it looks amazing... SCG is going to come and see me and we are going to have some food and drinks and celebrate my 90 days afterwards. Amazing how supportive she is.

So been a busy week Tuesday ex mrs adt came over the house and moved everything into her temp place. was done very profesionally and with no arguements helped them move stuff in an out of my house and took down beds etc at the end of the day when i shut the door was a little emotional to be honest was more like oh my god im starting again my 4 bed house is 3/4 empty but after ten mins calmed down its only stuff. s**y cardiff girl came over and we had a good chat about everything and she stayed the night with me her daughter stayed over her dads for the first time in his house since their split so kept our minds of things and had a good time! Work has been insane but should all calm down now for a few weeks after today have 3 days off in for 5 days and then 17 whole days off!!! Cant wait have loads planned, basically decorating, flat packing when by myself and spending time with elinor going to take her to do a few days out. got the thursday and all bank holiday weekend to myself looking forward to a bit of R&R will be nice!

So no much going on Gambling wise all good and going strong.

Day 93

So over the 90 day mark and the 3 month Mark.

had a really good day friday had my tattoo was very happy and then i went sat outside in the sun with my scg had some drinks and food and people watched had a great day and night.

Saturday went to pick my daughter up from her Mums and got in the Car Daddy... yes love... Just to let you know Kristian was in the house staying over and hiding up stairs LOL. Litrally laughed in the car. Dont worry love. I text Ex mrs adt and said look its been months and months there is no need for him to hide upstairs. Obv gone up a level as they took the kids to the fair and food food and stuff. Was a little flat for a bit saturday afternoon. Dont like the thought of another man spending time with my girl..... Somthing that i know i have to get used to. She will always be mine and we have a very close father and daughter bond. Had a chat with Ex Mrs ADT said i dont have an issue with him spending some time with her and explained that i will be introducing my girl to SCG and meeting her daughter at the same time.... Wont be sleep overs want to do this right and will be very slow just a few times all meeting going to the park having a coffee etc. Want my girl to have some stability.

Had a great weekend though done loads of chores yesterday went to the park watched a few films ate a chineese togther lol was fun dropped her this morning and had a huge kiss and cuddle saying i love you Daddy melted my heart. Roll on Thurday have her 6 days straight very excited. gonna spend the next few nights after work with SCG she is cooking me food tonight should be interesting!

Day 115

So been a while since i wrote my diary......

Have had a few weeks off work and been busy doing the house and just living and loving life to be fair! Still have good and bad days but the bad days are never as bad as the dark gambling days! cant belive its aproaching 4 months. I hated the saying take it a day at a time! It is the truth the days turning into weeks and the weeks are turning into months......

So other than two debts i pay over a long period of time and very manageable. Nice to have a little money in my bank rather than scraping from month to month on what i can feed into a FOBT. I had a dream last week was so bizarre i was playing on a machine in a bookies and i woke up and was so angry at myself. Obviously was a dream and hadnt done anything and had a huge waive of relief over me that it wasnt real.... First dream about gambling since quiting and to be honest my old ones were never like that..... Will bring up with my therapist next week.

So my relationship is going well with SCG our kids met for the first time a few weeks back and have had another play date since! Its all very chilled no sleep overs with the children we dont want that right now!! My ex has moved her guy in with the children.... This has been a bit of a weird and hard thing for me to accept another man being around my girl especially! Dont like it but sadly somthing i need to get used to......

So work is gonna be very very busy the next few weeks lots of traveling about but will be cool get to see a bit of the county. Way to earn some extra cash. Actually really happy to say that i have saved my cash for Christmas already and given it to my folks untill i want to go shopping in October.... I have never been so prepared its August and im thinking about Christmas what am i doing?????

Day 134

It has been sometime since i had a type been so busy with work but felt like it today.

I have been thinking a lot about gambling the past few days not me going and wanting to gamble urges are not really there any more. An odd one here and there every few weeks maybe but i feel so strongly against gambling i have control to get it out of my head.I have a few fears.... One Is that i wake up and its all a dream. Two is that i suddenly can no longer control thing and feel the need to go and gamble. I am not complacent and know that i will never be able to touch a gaming machine again. no fobit or fruit machines. I have no control its a tap that needs to stay off or i know if i turn it on i will have an issue turning it off. I had a chat with my therapist about it. she has says these fears are very normal and we need to work on getting rid of them. the fear in a way stops me from gambling.... One i need to work on. I am very proud of where i am in my life on the gambling front.

So why i fancied a type I told my therapist that i want to try play the lotto again never had an issue with it a line or two every few weeks. She suggested waiting till i was over te 6 month mark and also divorced or my ex would take half haha fair play! shes right 🙂 she has said she thinks that i should do the lotto as never had an issue with it but suggested that i always tell somone my gf or parents or sister that i am buying as my issue was hiding things. I am determined to be the most transparent person possible no secrets or lies.

Now a person who does GA will tell you that we have this forever and we need to abstaine... Hmm ok i get your point but if i always had control over the lottery when i was feeding my dough into a fobit what does this mean??? i used to love to play on a machine the highs and lows the anger the fear the range of emotons..... I dont get these from a lottery ticket it is gambling but dont get the buzz from it. So this was a few weeks ago and i havnt ran out got a ticket gonna wait a while no rush for it.

So life has calmed down somewhat "relief" my daugther stays with me 3 times a week but will be eventually having an extra day a fortnight to make it joint custody. She is truelly amazing has had a hard time of it like everyone the last 4 months but she seems so much happier now. She needs routine at the moment and the start of school will defo help this. So dont really see my stepboy so much any more its kinda hard. he stays a few times a fortnight but he seems very standofish with me not going to push it just being myself i know that we are naturally going to have a diffrent relationship now tbf his mum has been pretty good with this aspect kinda watch and see what happens now....

The ex MRS ADT she seems much less erratic and we can know disuss things without shots being fired! kinda hard another man being in my girls life but will see how it pans out. we are going to our first joint mediation in the next few weeks just to finalise a proper routing for elinor and also discuss finances. i cant wait for all this to be over!! move on and forward. guessing a few bumps in the road before this is over but hopfully the end is in sight!

I am still with scg things are going well she was away for a few weeks on holiday but things are good and im very happy and feel calm and relaxed! i have been so busy working. going to be working hard untill december doing 60+ hour weeks. its good as need to put cash by for the divorce and just to have a bit of cash in the bank after paying off my mortgage surplus and all my very bad debts .

So kinda just enjoying life have lots of work on but also have some really good social plans coming up which is good! so........ to more of the same!

The tap. It drips and drips and drips. It nags and nags.... You walk into a bar the twinkle of the light the way you once think..... That was 30 quid jack once im sure it was 50 no it was defiantly 70 what now its 100!? So thats 200 on repeat..... I walk from bar to bar more rum.... Some more...... No more..... More ...... More....... Do i want to get a gram? Nah work tomorrow! Who needs that wake up!! Lets go! Walking and walking in the marys street capital city wales 6 bookies... w*f vast negotiations hang on a min I'm excluded... Let's keep walking they cant let me in to the train station little buzzed thanks mr morgan or was it jerry the sailor hmmm who cares... Train delays 15 mins... What to do what to do..... Hang on whats that in the cafe de@l or no de@l hmmmmmm what to do what to do??????? The tap...... If i turn that handle it will come on! Im andy i used to have a major issue no idea how many days gamble free but at least 4 months!!! I never want to turn that handle again

Day 196

That sounds like a very long time with out gambling..... It most certainly is

My name is Andrew and i was addicted to gambling. My life was a complete shambles and i think i was a few weeks away from being a statistic of someone who would do somting stupid. Today im 196 days off the bet my mates are all off to the bookies later to play their rugby bet will I hell no! no pulls to do this as i know where it will end up! I will stay in the pub keeing dry over a pint.

My life is good currently watching my daughters ballett class with all the yummy mummys haha my ex wife and me have found common ground our girl and touch wood things are calmer these days and i love it that way.

My girlfriend is a truely wonderful person and i can honestyly say my best friend! Life is good! I havnt done an update on gamcare in a while on my diary and i wanted to.

I can honestly say what has stopped me gambling is the tears in my daughters eyes when me and her mum seperated it is potent fuel 100s of days later! the secret to me not gambling is full abstainance and also therapy which i go to every 6 to 8 weeks now. bottling up isnt good no secrets no lies clean body clean mind! I wanted to right this its a saturday sports are on the bookies are in full flow! If you lost your money dont sit there and go tomorrow is a new day! Your new life starts now!

Life isnt about waiting for the storm to pass. its about learning to dance in the rain!

Have a happy gamble free weekend!

Hi Andrew , glad your still gamble free my friend and enjoying your new found life :)) .

Just one thing , If your girlfriend is a " Truly wonderfull person " and your " Best friend " maybe just focus on your daughter during the Ballet classes and keep your eyes off the " Yummy Mummy's " ? Not worth jeopardising someone so wonderfull for ? :)).

Stay well my friend and keep enjoying life .

Best wishes

Alan

Great to hear you are continuing to do well Andy! Really cheered me up to see your post this morning, had wondered if you had gone back to the s**t life we chose to leave behind...

It costs nothing to look Alan ha ha. Although you are right as long as he watches his daughter doing ballet and doesn't spend the whole class eyeing up the female talent lol.

I'll congratulate you now on 200 days Andy incase you don't get back on for a while. You sound like a different person from when you arrived here. I wish you continued success.

Onwards and upwards.

Hi Alan and Tommy

Well just to clear it up when i take my daughter to Ballet your in a cafe and they take the kids into another room with a tiny tv in the corner and you litrally cant see a thing..... So what do you do apart from have a coffee? but look at the yummy mummys of course 🙂

Window shopping is the most naturally thing in the world i dont need to hide that i tell my gf what im doing like a running joke she has about the single dads at her school all about the trust!!

Tommy your right i am a complety diffrent person and I'm absoloutly loving life!!!

Take care!

Hi Andy and Tommy :)).

I wasn't saying I wouldn't look either , it's just a jealous old duffer wishing his kids wern't all grown up :((

Have a great day guy's !

Day 229

Well Christmas is pretty much here proud to say its the first year i have paid for Christmas out right and not walked around with wedges of cash feeding the fobt machines!

Been ill this last week sickness bug and chest infections. Monday night i had halloucinations of fobts between being sick it was a harrowing experience and has made me extra thankful that i am still off the bet! Forever may it continue!!

Had my girl 5 out of 7 days last 3 weeks been lovely having her bit quilty been ill and grumpy lol but she been looking aftrt me her words! Her smile is infectious so she has helped! She is excited for xmas and will be an odd one this year as she with her mum! Have her xmas eve till 5 then boxing day my xmas day!!! So xmas day with my parents mid day and over my lovely gf in the eveing

Keep busy and out of my head as know xmas morning be v strange!! My gf is amazing so treated her to a trip away to budapest for xmas cant wait for her to see! Got my parents somthing extra special too for their amazing support this year looking forwars to a happy xmas and the start of a wonderful new year! Managed to keep my resolutions quit gambling and loose 3 stone lost 49 pounds this year aint been so slim since about 14 hahaha merry christmas and to a happy and gamble free ny