A not so secret diary of a compulsive gambler

Hi ADT,

So many horrible stories on here, so it's nice to read when someone is doing well every now and then.

Have a great xmas and a happy new year.

Damo

Hi ADT. Thanks for your post on my diary.

We've both had a tough year mate but have come out the other end in a much better position than we would have been if still gambling. Here's to a gamble free 2017.

Have a great Christmas and New Year bud! 🙂

day 245

So my first post of the year! After a month of a cold finally broken and feeling good(thank god lol)

Been a strange gamble free week for me! My friend is still a huge gambler and for his bday he arrange a nite to the casino..... bit ackward.... understand he loves what he does but still bit s**t for me! Have drifted apart since iv quit gambling i feel he has an issue with it he cant control but isnt my place to say!

My first weekend free since November and have no plans! Bliss lol me and my daughter just chilling and my gf and her girl coming for a roast tomorrow! Love a lazy weekend! Next week im 33...... so my gf made me a key lime pie mmmmm delicious!! Cant wait to try that tomorrow!

It may sound soooo boring my weekend but i love it! No drama just happy times!

Next weekend going to have a few days away for bday from my gf im looking forward to that! My actual bday got few days off work my daughter staying over for a few days and looking forward to coffee and a big cuddle before she goes to school.

We had a good xmas and ny and spent a lot of time with family been nice!!

Happy to say no urges and my biggest fear is letting everyone down by gambling! My 2017 resolutions to be the best dad i can. Keep weight off. Be happy and carry on with no gambling! So my year gambling free anniversary falls around the Eurovision song contest 2017. That night in 2016 was one of the worst of my life my marrage was over withdrawal from the fobits no money and had moved out! Im so having a Eurovision song contest party! Chessy music lots of booze and friends and family!!! What a way to party lol!! Happy new year and to a gamble free 2017!!!!

Day 288

Well the days are flying now! 12 days till 300 days.

Jan and the start of Feb have been feeling pretty low and pretty down to be honest. I think that i have found it very hard finding an outlet for myself when i am stressed. I used to hit the machines when i was low and wanted a buzz but my day count is the same so not that one. need to find a hobby i think somthing that i am passionate about. going to be spending a bit of time studying for an it networking exam in work soon so should keep me busy! But again need somthing fun!

Been feeling a bit low for a few reasons.... One is the weather i suffer a bit from SAD i think.(dieing for the spring) My daughter has been having a few issues. she basically hasnt taken very well that my ex has a new fella in her life. kinda nail in the coffin for her not having mummy and daddy back together has been crying a lot and feeling very sad in the nights going to bed. rubbish seeing her upset.... Just gotta show her lots of love and have been keeping her busy doing good things massive front on from me POSSITIVE. Well not sure if my relatonship with s**y cardiff girl is fizzling out a bit..... She been acting very strange and seems very distant with me the last few weeks not really sure why guess we havnt kicked on in 7 months and to be honest i cant really still in the middle of a divorce and i need to stay close for my girl she comes first before anything! will see how it goes pretty sad to be honest but that is life.... we are going to budapest in a few days so it could be the making or un doing of us.....

i have had a massive falling out with a a mate of mine recently his Birthday party is to be held at a ........ Casino. FFS i basically said i cant come for obv reasons he knows my issue. basically expected me to come in or wait outside. i said no and if your a mate you would never ask me that...... So thats that. pretty sad by it to be honest but im proud of myself that i resisted somthing and there is no peer pressure making me go into a casino.

I read back over my diary a few weeks back..... in the begining was so scary seeing how up and down i was..... its amazing how overy 9 months off the betting has made me more grounded and more rational thinking! People say that move on and dont look back. i disagree with that if you dont look back you cant look at how far you have come......

I got asked by my therapist this week she gave me some home work, metioned havnt been writing as much. she asked me to write down what is that made you stop gambling and what are the things that helped you stop.... im not going to copy and paste that here i wrote page after page last night few but quite simply my girl is my anchor the tears she had in her eyes one day when me and ex wife split are my fuel. what helped me stop. talking. opening up to friends family. me writing this diary in the first days were a god send this place kept me sane! Setting targets 90 days had a tattoo few days after my 365 having an eurovision song contest party! Also my therapist has been a huge huge help i go every few months now and that £35 i spend an hour is the best. you pay money to go to gym to look after you body! that £35 i spend on my mind is the best thing that comes out of my budget!

my last thing is the motto that i live my life by since being gamble free!

Life isn't waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Really enjoyed having a write this afternoon. stay gamble free!!!

So good to read your progress. Interesting comment about going every few months to see therapist. I have three counselling sessions left, and was thinking I may pay to go once a month as I think it would help keep me grounded. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Day 318

Felt a strange feeling today had a kinda urge to go into a bookies somthing that i havnt had for quite some time.... Guess was walking a route was lunch time had time on my hands and also money in the bank (never a good thing lets be honest ) I didnt do anything and i know i wont deep down a few bookies have opened up in places of onces that used to be there that i am excluded from. Dont really feel the need to exclude myself again....

Feel a bit low today my dad has gone in for an operation on his back he has been very bad cant walk properly so doing some work on his nerves pretty dangerous stuff so a worry. Im feeling positive and he will and hopfully will sort a few things out get his life back as has had a major impact. He is gonna be bed riden for a while so im gonna be mowing lawns and doing some things to help him and my mum. Its the least i can do.

Funny mentioned about self-excluding then. Realised that in just under 50 days my self exculstions will fall off dont think i really need to put them back on! If i want to gamble i can find a way but were very handy on my routes on way home and if i feel like that i need to can put them on again in the future!

Been a busy few weeks my divorce has really ramped up, in about 8 weeks should be fully complete which is good want the monkey off my back as when your in this situation your spending lots on solicitors and also been saving to give a settlement etc... Pretty stressful stuff but gonna be great once done. Will be around the time my year kicks in so bit of a double celebration.

Got my therapist next week kinda wish it was this week as a little flat and know it would help me. I went about 6 weeks ago i guess and im guessing will continue over the next 6 months......

I had a stinking hangover on saturday..... Felt really low sick not a lot of fun but then i remembered that even at the worst of times these days and how ever flat i get or have a bad day and that feeling you have.... It doesnt compare to the darkest of days when your on a huge low of sp*nking your Money against the wall on the Fobit's

Stay gamble free.

Day 357

It's my mums 60th Birthday and also my sisters first wedding Anniversary. so a few things happening today.

It sounds like a busy one and yes it is..... To me though today marks a year to the date of the begning of my new life.... Me and my ex went to my sisters wedding and was a really strange day for me sad as the end was near, the writing was on the wall.Eveyone could feel it my family included. All the gambling i had been doing, All the hiding over the years was finally going to be forced to come out.

I didnt sleep much last night. I think im quite nervous about what this next 8 days marks. lots of little Anniversarys for me. My first year of sepation from ex, my old wedding anniversary, The start of being a part time parent..... definatly the worst one. Anyone who is seperated knows that is the hardest part of a family disolving. At the end of all this and in 8 days. I'm going to be a year gamble free.

It's going to be amazing next hitting the year! I think i have put a lot of pressure on reaching this day. i put 90 days as a mark and then went i'm going for a year. I dont have urges as much have a few dreams here and there and wake up in a panic and its a relief im still off the bet! But i find im going wow this time last year i was doing this...... Its going to be great to say that this time last year i wasn't gambling! I read somewhere once that your second year is the hardest.... I can't answer that right now i dont know how it would be.... But i will never be complacent. I know that i can never go into a betting shop again. simple as that.

Life is good!!!! Me and my girlfirend are all good she has a bit on her place at the moment and is stressed just trying to support her like she has with me she is coming for food with my family tonight which she has only met them a few times will be really nice! My Daughter is really good so beautiful and smart spent a lot of time with her the last few months had her more than her mum and has been v v hard with the 50 + hour job. But she comes first always! Work is very very hard but i cant moan as in the last 18 months my pay has gone up by about 14% through pay rise and promotion i'm doing well and feel focused get on well with my managers and feel that after my divorce and paying my ex will be finacial sound. So in the next 9 weeks max will be fully divorced. i really can't wait for that feel that my life has been on hold a little wth the anticiapation of giving my ex money. We are currently negoteating but will get there!

A little while back in my diaries mentieoned that a good mate of mine still gambling had fallen out with me a bit. Think struggled with my Anti gambling outlook haha! Think that after quiting you have that persona! Well im happy to say he has self excluded and we have been talking a lot more! really proud of him. Hope he reaches out in times of need as we all need that!

So i write few and far between these days. I loved writing in the early days in really really helped me! this forum gave me great advice. Sadly of 4 guys i got pally with on here im the only one left gamble free.

I feel happier after writing this and more awake! It's good to ramble rather than gamble! I'm going to get a coffee and buy a balloon and enjoy my day!

stay gamble free and have a great weekend.

You can't wait for the storm to pass..... it's about learning to dance in the rain

Hi Andrew,

Great post - chuffed to hear you are still gamble free. It is unbelievable how much things have changed by not gambling for a year!

Quite a few major positives have also happened for me recently and I don't think its a coincidence that it's happened when I'm not gambling.

Like you I don't post as much these days - still try and pop into a chatroom once a week for a reality check and it helps sometimes to talk to people who are just starting on recovery. Feels nice to offer advice but also reminds me of where I was a year ago.

Anyway, just wanted to say congrats when the big day arrives. Enjoy it mate 🙂

Onwards and upwards!

Day number..... No more counting

So i am in the Year zone. no more counting next target will be the 5 year mark.

Felt pretty good to hit a year, I am having a pretty stressful time at the moment. me and the ex are negotiating money. Its a pretty sick thing. You marry someone and getting divorce in under 3 years. You paid off her mortage neg equity with your mortgage she moves in never paid a bill never contributed to any equity in the house...... but she can claim half of my house. Messed up system! So i gambled a chunk of my house a way only have about 20k equity in it now where used to have prob double that. I have made her an offer of 5 and will pay all legal fees so thats like 8 k plus really.... Just a horrible time and finding it very hard to control my anxiousness. This has been happening a year so kinda all coming to a head now and guess in the next week will all be sorted. it is a horrible feeling that all that money i saved i have to give away. I'm not back to the start of last year as not in the debt i was in. But still...... 🙁

Hit a bit of an interesting issue last night with my GF she lives 25 miles from me. Asked would i get married again..... Ummm not sure i will tbh got burnt!Would i ever move closer to her.... Well not untill my daugher is grown up i need to be close by as she come first. she understod that but can see the cogs turning. guess this is the biggest test of our relationship so far. Not what i really need right now with my divorce finalising need a chilled atmosphere.

Well have to look on the brightside. Im gamble free soon to be divorced and whatever happens i will have a possitive future. Got a few days without my girls have her this weeked which will be Lush. So my rock bottom happened last year on the Eurovision song contest night..... Kinda in withdrawel from the gambling which people can relate to, It sank in my marrage was over, i needed to adjust to life part time with my daughter and i was living in my parents house.....

This year i am going to be have some prosecco in fromt of the tv and take in what a tough and challanging here has been behind me and what a great future lies ahead!

just wanted a rant as i have been feeling so stressed. This morning i was on the train thinking this is that point i used to go into the Bookies. I couldnt control my emotions and needed release. Congentive Behaviour Therapy turning the negative into a positive!

Life isnt about waiting for the storm to pass, It is about learning to dance in the rain.

Hi ADT!

Well done on 1 year+ g free! That's amazing achievement and keep good work up ☺

Your honest post drew my attention. May i chew on some cud on the subject - divorce.

I am in similar situation and new found "spark" is going through divorce too. It's stressful time and i believe head can be all over the place. Surely nothing to be excited about.

re the kids. We had similar conversation. I am in my 30's he is in his 40's. I believe he thinks i want kids. I haven't decided on the subject but still have few years to go. He came accross as he would like to "gift" me a child (taking his age in consideration also) best hold his horses until i decide...

We also spoke about his two kids from previous marriage. To his shock & surprise, i very clearly told him to put them first! He couldn't believe it because apparently the lady he kind of was seing not long ago had her own tune about request of his time and attention. How people can do that - i don't know! For him to start talking about finding time for me and kids horrified me! He & kids are priority of course. Besides, I'm not lining up for Stepmam either so hopefully the middle will be found.

Just wanted to say that you're doing everything right. You're going through tough time, but if your girlfriend is willing to walk by your side through all of this - she will. For me personally, distance is better than living together (we are 50 miles apart)..but again - all for their own ☺

Wish you well...keep up good work!

S x

Brilliant post,

Keep dancing in the rain,

Well done on the year great result.

Stay Strong Stay G/f

Malc

They say the second year is the most stressful for a gambler you no longer have a target......

I am not gambling and that in itself adds it own stress....... So my self exclusions fell off a few weeks back as was over a year. I booked an appointment to have a conversation but no call thought you know what i will go into a few of the bookies to do it myself reprinted some photos......... End of last week i Was standing outside one for about 5 mins and litrally couldnt walk through the door was too scared. I think programed myself to not walk in one had to go and have a sit down in the coffee shop next door was a little shaken up maybe was the lack of courage or just a massive mental barrier i cant break down. I had an appointment with my therapist that night so was talking about it for a while and was looking at the possitives. I went into therapy on a downer. Stressful part of divorce and fighting with ex over money will all be done and dusted in two weeks absolute finished. I am also have issues with my gf kinda drifting apart i think. Its sad but one of them things.

I needed that session reallised how far i have come physically and mentally over the last 12 plus months. I feel pretty possitive about everything and feel mentally strong which is good! Life is good with my daughter having her more times than her mum over the next 3 months she cracks me up so clever. It is her 6th Birthday in a few weeks and she is with me overnight and get to open her presents in the morning so happy with that before going to school!

So the second person has told me that the hardest year is the hardest. Oldham (Off this site was the first) and also my therapist This with all addictions its to do with the fact you aim for a year then get complacent! So how to do this set a target! My Rock bottom was the day the eurovision song contest is on...... Well this year it is in Lisbon! My best and me were talking we both are not really into Pop but love a good party!! As soon as them flights are out we are going out there regadless if we get tickets or not and for me celebrate year 2!! If your gonna do it lets do it in style!

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, It's about learning to dance in the rain........

I

How strange it is to log in to my gamcare account it has been nearly 2 months. So im still not counting.... but coming up to a year an a quarter so that is kinda counting.......

I am still happy to say Gamble free. Not really had any urges. I think it helps that i have safeguards in place still like self-exclusions etc But the diffrence is i know where that road leads. I have noticed that after the year that pressure to hit a year isnt there. i find that i am just pushing to maintain where i am and where i am going. I like the feeling of gamble abstainance the thought of placing a bet or every going on a machine wont cross my mind. Truth is with sef-exclusions if you want to gamble.... your gonna find a way to gamble!

So where am i......

I am officially divorced and just going through the motions in court of the clean break aprovel ex has signed just the formalities. Things were very tense for a 3 month period but it seems to be good at the moment and i really hope that it continues. My daughter is good spending half time with me and half with Mum she had some delayed seperation anxiety at the start of the year but touch wood she seems to be pased this and understands how things are now and is happy which is all i ever will want for her!

Well me.... I'm a little in turmoil at the moment with my gf. I feel quite unhappy in the realtionship the last month or so. I feel like we are drifting apart and arguing which is not somthing we have done before. I can't see us moving forward to be honest and feels like the end. Somthing i am a bit consious about as when stress hits me i tend to bottle up and my release used to be to gamble which is kinda why im having a ramble in my diary. I feel like she is angry with me as moving days to see my daughter and she feels second. The bottom line is she is second and always will be to my daughter i have even told her that and she has a daugther so kinda should understand that. Going to go over today and have a talk so not sure how that is going to go!

Work been very stressful too someone left and my stupidly large work stack seems to have gone up by half again so yes nice to be wanted but to be working 55 plus hour weeks is pretty hardcore with the single dad angle!

So other than that lol im pretty good to be honest! Quite excited about the future have enrolled for my padi diving course in September always somthing i wanted to do. On a whim also me and a mate went i want to see the killers so do i....... f it we booked flights to belfast hotel and tickets and having a jolly for a few days. I could never have done that when in gambling!!!

You can't wait for the storm to pass...... It's about learning to dance in the Rain.

Another two Month have passed by...... Feels like it was only yesterday that i wrote my last one.

Cant belive that looked on my clock and been over 500 days that mad! (i'm still not counting honest lol)

So whats been going on.... Well Divorce has well and truly finished and been pretty chilled with the ex. Good dialogue with regards to having my daugter paid my last solicitor fee in August so huge weight of finances is off my shoulders. In August took a few weeks off went away for a few days with my girl down west Wales had the sun and just chilled. Then came back bit of painting and took 3 days off and did nothing... Was raining sowatched a tv series in a few days ate pizza and really relaxed it did me the world of good needed that down time.

Me and my Girlfriend had a break for a while which i think was a good think but really upset her not sure if this is forever but care for her and just do get on so well.... Kinda just gotta see what happens there. Only see each other a few times a week as i am so busy and she is. Life sometimes gets in the way.

The last month has been pretty much living in work again. Kinda after gambling and my life fell down i threw myself into my job and hey.... It was a huge anchor for me and kept me focused and i needed the money! Think have another 6 weeks like this and its time to have some downtime and enjoy my weekends more.

Well in my last post mentioned doing my padi diving loving it so much. Doing my first quary dive tomorrow really excited for it! Last few weeks got tickets for the Boxing AJ fight in cardiff to watch with my dad. Going to watch the killers in Belfast and booked tickets for the Sterophonics and Kasabian.... working hard and playing hard (well have plans to play hard lol)

More importantly than that.... My daughter. She is so beuitiful and sassy. Love everyday i see her and she really has come into her own the last few months seems to be full of confidence and happiness which i am so happy to see! 6 years old is a great age. I have her half the time but as my ex is going on placement soon she will be with me 5 days a week which i am looking forward to.

So a few weeks back Oldham mentioned to me that someone had read my diary and it had inspired them. I was so happy with that! I always saw my writing as a therapy for me but its amazing that someone was inspired byt aht and has really got me thinking about things, How people look at people who are on 10 days 30 days 90 days 200 days 1000 days 20 years and really admire that battle you go through and strive to be that person!

There is only one way to forward and thats to be gamble free! Look at what you can achieve!!!!

You can't wait for the storm to pass........ It's about learning to dance in the rain.

WTG Andrew...So good to see you dancing 🙂