A not so secret diary of a compulsive gambler

Well done on walking through them GA doors it takes some guts but as you have seen the rewards are there for you.

It might be a long trip and take a while but let's be honest you wouldn't of thought twice about gambling for a couple of hours a week ago. If it cost you a bit of time surely that's a small price to pay if it helps you atop gambling and start recovering.

KTF

Oldhamktf wrote:

Well done on walking through them GA doors it takes some guts but as you have seen the rewards are there for you.

It might be a long trip and take a while but let's be honest you wouldn't of thought twice about gambling for a couple of hours a week ago. If it cost you a bit of time surely that's a small price to pay if it helps you atop gambling and start recovering.

KTF

Well done too. Your right Oldham and I still make that same choice weekly. Tri

Afternoon Everyone

Well woke up today with a jolt finding it strange to wake up alone. Got up and got to work and feel a bit more positive today. Yesterday struggled with all that has been going on. Had a few texts how was ga hope it went well give me a call lets chat etc. Really lucky i have supportive family and friends there. Work has been a little less unbearable found it painful to do anything to be honest. had lunch with a college today and told him my story was sorry for me and really nice and supportive. I will be honest i am dreading the weekend..... Wife has plans with kids today and tomorow and i am working Sunday so have them sunday night but two whole nights with very little plans are a bit scary.. Been trying to keep busy but Time just seems to drag on my own at the moment. This week has been so busy kept me occupied.

Hi oldham and triangle thank you for the comments Totally agree that hour and a half journey will be worth it and i will carry on doing i will be honest went yesterday to see what was it all about and could it work for me wasnt sure if it could but i really know after one session it can. It was such and open and honest experience and it is a way of life that i want to follow it was so refreshing to be in a room full of people who were genuinely happy to see me and offer advice and will say that its somthing which if your on this forum and in this postion Try it!. Eventually i will knock the CBT on the head at the moment though anything that makes me feel that little bit better and is helping i want to hold on to. and will just have to bite the bullet and drive rather than the train which i currently use daily on that night.. I just cant get my head around how there isnt a group in my town it has a population of 100000. around 25 bookies service is and not 1 group.

So my wife text me tonight to ask about council tax bill said actually overpaid but owe my mortgage 200 pounds which will pay tuesday all sorted threw in my face ahhh won it did you... Owch i was very calm and said your allowed to be angry at me i deserve it. Basically few texts and she has told me she cant be with me any more the lies have been too much and the trust has gone. Its over and she cant do this any more....... Im andy im a compulsive gambler iv had a v v bad week my life is in shambles and really at rock bottom. its been 13 days since i gambled and i will not succeed unless i never gamble again.

It was about this time when I realised I had to do this for me. That not saying I gave up but if we was or wasn't going to get back together I needed to change my life either way. Keep working at your recovery I've seen people get back together who thought it was all lost but with or without her you still have so much life to live and you need to earn the trust of your kids back. The best way to do that is by not gambling

KTF

Echo that you need to do recovery for you. To get your life back. For you.

Keep the faith.

CW

Hello recovery is for me i just want to be happy. Gambling has made me so isolated and low it has stoped me enjoying the little things in life i have been walking in a daze for years and it has ruined so many things. I realistaclly have lost my step boy as well as my wife. I love my daughter she is the most precuous thing in the world to me i want to make her proud and grow up to know her dad is a good man with solid qualities as a gambler im a lieing cuniving deviant. I need to put my head down and recover but it is very hard with the pain and mess that my life is

Hi ADT,

Welcome to recovery. I read you're in a lot of pain at the minute...really sorry to hear about that.
The mess will clear in time, give yourself some space, keep taking it day at a time, make the right choices and concentrate on recovery. Your wife hurts and that's understandable...but, there is nothing you can do now except work hard at staying gamble free and let the actions prove that you're actually doing something about it.
Your daughter will always love you and will be proud of her Dad who gave his all energy and determination to get better and smile again ☺

You can do it, be kind to yourself..accept defeat..addiction has won, now you need to start taking control back...your life, your loved ones lives more than deserve peace & harmony going forward.

Chin up...things can and will get better - please keep on the right track.

Sandra

Thank you sandra for your kind words. I know i have to be selfish to make me right. But im proud that i have reached day 14.... Bad sleep last night lots going through the head. Hit the gym at 9 and walked out feeling a bit fresher. Went home and realised when in the shower i hadnt thought about gambling after the gym felt nice. So come down stairs and doing my therapy homework pretty deep stuff but its really nice to actually be telling the truth and not lieing to other people and more importanty myself!! Well so quiet and missing the kids gonna go shopping get some new clothes in a bit mine are v v loose 2 stone down in 3 months looked in myself in the gym and though oi oi lol got lots of offers to see people later so will take it up and get out. How ever dark and misrable my posts have been i have needed to do this has been really theraputic. The last few weekends have been torture hoping this one will be a little easier .

Its been 7 hours and 15 days..... Blasted out on the radio this morning ironic as i am in day 15 and a love song like that pushed thoughts of the wife in my head..... Bit sad yesterday afternoon. Was v v lonely and head went a bit rang my counciller for an appointment earlier in week and she rang back had a chat for an hr and a half was really nice needed that. Poped up a mates for a few hrs then another came watched the boxing with me. Got up v early hit gym and going to do some work. Grabing my kids this sarvo bit anxious about seeing mrs adt just want to keep talking to make it right know she needs space though.... Well gamble free and looking forward to the end of the weekend. I am really stuggling with them during the week i am busy so dont have time to think. I read the ga questions and answers book yesterday i was expecting to see a picture of me at the end scary upset me. Was the moment i realised how i really am a compulsive gambler

Day 16 - So picked the kids up yesterday and saw my grampa and sister and husband was good took the kids home bit of food and helped my boy with his homework. He broke down crying saying mrs ADT shouting at him and always having a go. Had a chat and explained that i had done somthing wrong and Mum is very upset and we need to give her a bit of space and time and you need to behave at the moment. Very difficult conversation felt i dealt with it well Also text my wife and said this was a calm conversation. So took them to the park for a run around and then some swimming lessons. Home for some food and a cuddle on the sofa and Bed. Found it hard in bed last night getting very anxious about things and still felt like that when i woke up. Going to have a chat with my Counsiller tonight Guessing it is guilt and the thought of what i have done to my family. Playing on my mind a lot. So dropped the kids to school and being silly text my wife saying i miss her know i shouldnt have trying to give her that space she text me back a bit later saying she had to be someone later and can i pop over and look after kids said i could not a problem said after my CBT she said thanks and wished me luck which i thought was nice said i have had a few sessions and she said good. Felt nice that she showed some concern hoping her anger is calming a little. I know i need to be calm and relax but am finding it very hard. Emotions are running wild guessing my usual release is to gamble and i have gone the longest without now for 3 years. It is a good thing i have stopped and other than a slight urge last week was having a very very bad day which i stopped in my tracks been pretty good.

Hi ADT just read your diary , it is very inspiring . To be so low but to be so determined to turn things around is admirable and something I look to do myself , I am sure a number of us have had hit absolute rock bottom , no money no Mrs nothing it's like a lot of people have stated its not an overnight quick fix but we ll get there in the end , good luck and keep going each day is a super acheivement

Hi tomh thanks for that post needed that tonight means a lot. Been to my house argued with mrs adt iv gone from being low to v angry tonight. She been to a counciller and recomended she leaves me. Hmmm dont think q counciller would ever recomend that. But in all the tears anger low points and just s@&t you gotta take it on the chin pick yourself up and not gamble!!!! This is my outlet having a moan on my diary it might be annoying and boring to people reading it but its cheaper than gambling and i dont feel like rubbish after it.

So woke up in the middle of the night in a panic but managed to go back to sleep within about 30 mins. Had a half decent sleep without sleeping tablets. Nice to get up shower walk out the door in the sun (Sun in wales??!!) and catch the train. Noticed that i am no longer worried about going into the bookies havnt been since self exclussion, it doesnt cross my mind anymore walking to work. worried about what route to take it feels good!. Just coffee is my concern which i have time to get as not pulling my hair out on a fobt !! Well today i feel like i have a diffrent mind set.feel pretty positive about things I cant change my wife nothing i can say will.i am doing therapy and GA and feel good about this and need to reflect this in my outlook need to concentrate on things i can control, I am a 32 year old not bad looking (i hope) fella with a good job and have things going for myself. I havnt gambled in 17 days and feel i am winning a battle! So i am going to get a new haircut today and get a good shave going to buy some new work shirts and trousers as mine look scruffy and baggy and a shirt to go out Friday. (no more sulking time to see some friends and enjoy myself) I have actual some decent money in the bank as Bill Hill hasnt got it. I will have down moments but need to reflect a positive image and take things on the chin!! The sun is shining its a new day and what ever happens things could be a lot worse!!

Well today has been my best day since quiting gambling. Feel v v single but feel like myself but better. Walked up the road today to my hair dressers and saw an amusment arcade i played at as a kid i have a bit of cash in my account at the moment and did a double take. But stopped no and kept walking up road felt proud of my control. I dont want to let people down nor myself. So got a haircut come home and poped to shops then grabbed a pizza and ginna chill. Been a good day.