Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncs.

I know you do not post every day, but it has been a few days and not like you, I hope you and your family are all well,

Best wishes

Suzanne xx

Evening Diary

Thanks for all the kind words folks,I have taken a few days leave from the forum,time to myself,confident in my own belief,that belief the results of trading blows with my addiction for the past 34 months,once the dirty f****r has knocked me down and that one lucky suc#ker punch was enough to bring me to the realisation that gambling in any form in my life is an act of utter madness,it would be nothing short of selfish and would not answer one single question or problem in fact I guarentee it would add to them. Gambling is for me a futile act based on the random outcome of a given event,couple that with the fact I simply zone out after the first bet is layed and the result,the only possible result would be disaster,in short to lay a single penny for me is an unacceptable event.

So my resolve is concrete,I will not let the effects of other folks actions effect my own choice and belief,I take heart from the fact I am not shackled to addiction,I am no longer a lemming following the inevertable carnage of the outcome of accepting gambling as a part of my life.

That may read as arrogant,but believe me it took me more than twenty years of pure unadulterated devotion to gambling and the compulsion that eventually broke me for me to take the stance I do today.

Why?? why after twenty years of living in a false dawn,a false belief that I actually enjoyed the act of gambling do today I see life as only being worthwhile without the single act.

Because look at the facts

When I gambled I was simply never satisfied with the outcome of anything,the grass was always greener so to speak,I talked of 'dreams' but never dared to live a single one,why?? because f**k that would cost,and lets face it any money was just money to exchange to 'gambling tokens'

The years went by,the pipe dreams grew,the lies,decieving the cheating myself out of living grew in the same accelarating rate.

The flip side,I picked myself up from a truly broken state,financially ruined and emotionally mind f****d for all my adult life.

I embraced recovery,because what else was there??

GA, this wonderful forum full of experience and folk finding life after addiction.

Me I was all in from day one,that passion has not once wained,I simply am humbled by what 'recovery' offers to a man like me,f**k there are days when it overwhelms me,days where I feel like I don't deserve the life I have today.

But in black and white it is the life on offer to each and every addict here and more prudently on offer as a by product to those we profess to hold dear,so embrace it,give it all the same effort you did or do your gambling,the results are staggeringly great.

Yes urges come,addiction will stand in your shoulder,you could always find a reason or funds to gamble.

Put blocks into place,the triangle Time-Money-Location has been my best friend

Self exclusion is the way to win,by stopping that all important next bet.

The one which might finish you.

Because for us the compulisive gambler there is no such thing as an innocent quid,a cheeky tenner, that bet might condemn you.

I thought about that alot this week,I served the equivelent to a life sentence of addiction,there comes a point where clarity of thought is the gift.

I am all in.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi my friend. Brilliant! That's not arrogance fella it's confidence and belief. You sound like me from 2012 lol. You're a shining star my man. I'm so proud of you.

My good friend.

I check in on you whenever i sign in, not always posting but a watchful eye on your pure and simple life ! simplicity but hugely rewarding.

Your last post is a staggering piece of lyrical art, you the ability to express your feeling in a way that is almost unique. If you were to write a book, i would not be able to put it down. Fact is we could both write a book, couldn't we..... i wonder what it would be called ? notwithstanding, you never cease to amaze me with you creative pen or is it finger these modern days.

I salute you and stand next to you in this battle to defeat an industry that wreaks havoc on decent people and their loved ones.

Never above you, never below you, always beside you, Dark Place

Hi Duncs,

Great post as always.

Suzanne xx

This man is simply a legend and always be thankful for his abstain and maintain mantra

Great last post Dunc's.... nuff said

Regards... S.A

Evening diary

Thanks fella's for the kind words,Dp my dear friend I howled with laughter at your post,if I wrote a book,what would I call it,I reckon I would just call it 'stepping forward never back' it would never get published,I would probably get sectioned and after being edited it would be the worlds 'thinest book' lol.

Seriously we all have a place on this planet in my mind and mine is stood behind a stove,in saying that I really do enjoy my writing here,it never fails in gifting my resolve the ability to grow,to strengthen to ultimately stick two fingers up to addiction.

Addiction,well namely my addiction has hidden in the shadows this weekend,it has rarely poked it's ugly mug over the precipice,it is almost like it is resigned to the fact that it has become the weaker partner in our relationship,it really is not the one holding the reigns. I know this is the time I need to be at my strongest,to ensure that addiction stands right in front of me,so I can see it's next move.

I just read a great couple of posts twoing and throwing on the honourable sandra's thread,for me we do over think our addiction at times,we continue to let it punish us,let us believe we are not worthy of recovery.

Well I view it like this if we have found the courage to say that our own gambling is beyond our control,from that day we have the right to seek recovery,we are fully paid up members.

I hope many get to enjoy the gift it is,best of all is it has no stake attached,it is ours do with as we please.

Me I am ever grateful of mine,my ongoing respect for it simply grows,f**k might need a bigger pot!!!

Even better is every time another person seeks recovery,it suplies endless cuttings,it really is amazing.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Duncan,

Glad gambling is keeping its head down and not bothering you too much at the moment, you're too experienced to let your guard down. I've felt that the last few weeks it's been like those Whack-a-mole games where each time I stamp on one of the little demons, another one pops up somewhere else. I'm getting good with the anti-gambling hammer though!

Recovery does have a lot more to offer than gambling, and I agree that it offers no answers, just drags you down into a mire full of painful questions.

Hope you have a good week ahead.

Ryan

Hi Duncs,

Inspiring as always 🙂 Really good to see you in such a positive and calm mindset. I guess i just make my recovery a little bit harder by trying to get all the layers of that onion off lol. Just want to see addiction for what it really is and hit where it hurts the most.
I think it is self defense in a way, cause when you're scared you try to find the weakest points to fight back.

awee well..maybe less searching and best get on with the day i have now. Every passing day just strengthens that armour we have. I am happy with what i have 🙂

Take care and let's get cooking mr shef Ramsey 🙂

S x

Well done for hitting the year mark Duncs! Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing.

Hi Duncs,

Thanks for your post, and yes us southerners feel the cold lol.

Wishing you all the very best as always to keep abstaining and maintaining and inspiring us all.

Suzanne xx

Evening diary

Well I am typing this on my daughters ridiculous tablet thing, as my little laptop has stopped wanting to connect with the interweb.

I detest writing on this instrument, lol, too much going on and I can only see the last four words I have written, still I feel privileged to have the opportunity to type.

When I first entered recovery my only access to the Internet was by going to the library and I could only use the computer for thirty minutes at a time, that went on for the first year of my recovery, we simply could not afford the Internet at home, we were lucky to buy groceries.

My gambling had destroyed so much normal folk take for granted, my family suffered in silence, all the time my ignorance grew, addiction breeds it, I became more deluded, more detached from reality with every punt.

The value of a pound was something I have learnt only since I started recovery, today we look to get the most out of every one.

So it rained cats and dogs all day, the stew which cooked all day in the slow cooker was greatly appreciated at supper.

Day working from home tomorrow, got a mountain of recipes to type up, lol nobody can translate my scribble.

Actually the funniest thing is I work in imperial measurements and all the young folk don't have a clue what I am talking about lol. But a great deal of old recipes don't convert, the measurements are very precise.

Still that's the reason we have kitchen scales older than me! They should be in a museum!

So a day in the office so to speak, me the hounds and my sausage fingers typing at a snail's pace.

Oh and parents evening for youngest, I guess the last school parents evening we will have to attend.

Lol now that made me feel old!

Today I made a choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Good morning Duncs,

Good to see you tapping away lol and even if you can only see few lines in that little box, the thought that counts and effort you put in posting.

Keep up the good work and enjoy recovery. Your worth it!!

Sandra x

Ps. Sorry it's a short post , lol I'm half asleep and not a morning person for sure lol (bloody nighshifts 😉 )
Spk soon

Morning diary

Thanks Sandra,well the old laptop has put up it's last stance,lol,it has decided to connect with the outside world once again lol,so I am sat on the bus to work,making great use of the free wifi,it is the closest I come to having an office,brilliant a mobile one!!

So day of paperwork yesterday,great to get all the recipes typed and a huge amount of health and safety s**t#e done to boot and then dreaded parents evening,our last one in school,no more feeling like a naughty school boy,no more feeling eight years old again,funny because I think alot of the teaching staff are not a great deal older than our Joe,lol,still all pretty good,Callum had some good reports and some of the 'he could try harder' ones,ones which roll me back to my own school years as that was the story of my entire schooling life.

Still he knows what is left to do,it is up to him,I have a very liberal approach to the whole thing,I cannot sit and learn,I cannot do it for the lad,he has to want to or not and from it make his own dreams.

Funny because Sarah wants the best from him,or for him,so he received a telling from her,lol,not a bad thing certainly not enjoyable and I finished with saying 'he knows'

I do worry in the back of my brain somewhere about Callum,he carries my traits the most,he has that gung ho approach to things and can quickly revert to the 'oh well' if things don't go his way.

But to be honest regarding gambling,he really does have all the information to hand,he knows first hand what it can bring,as they say I hope in his life forearmed is forewarned. I hope if there is heireditary links I have done all I can to break them through sharing everything about my addiction and it's resulting recovery.

So we ended the night with a good chat with the new headmaster and it resulted in our Joe setting up a meeting with a view to him doing a set of poetry workshops with the school,something both parties would I know take a great deal from

So work this morning,I am going to have to get an appointment with the doc,it would seem the pains I have suffered for many years in my knees have now invited friends over to bring the same painto my feet!!! for th epast week or so my feet are agony for the first hour or so of my day,painful to walk on and hard to move,lol I am getting old!!! 40 and it really is going south lol.

Today it is great to see Dp get to 100 days gamble free,fella I salute you,and too boot the Bear follows tomorrow with a 100 days continued abstinence,for anyone who has been here for a while you will know how difficult those two have found recovery,how gambling kept managing to find a way through their defences.

Well long may your continued abstinence grow my dear friends,it is great to walk by your sides.

Good to see Ade back in the fold too,fella you have had a profound effect upon my life,I hope you can take back from what you gifted the forum.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

No bet today.