Abstain and maintain.Stepping forward never back.

Hi Duncs

Thank you for your kind post on my diary.

Just catching up with a few diaries and your recovery is one that I always followed. Mainly because you are totally honest and sound like a genuinely nice bloke.

I draw parallels between our situations and totally get your "detached from reality" quote in a previous post on Tuesday. That was me too, for far too long.

I'm thinking I need a new hobbie, and cooking is right up there at the moment. My other half keeps hinting that I need to get a bit more active in the kitchen, so I might need a few of your recipes directed my way! Imperial measurements preferred please! ;0)

Keep strong buddy

And look after those golf balls

Cheers

Ade

Evening diary

Well the pure insanity I have just witnessed with my eldest boy over the bargains at our local tesco for black friday are pretty shamefull.

Grown women fighting over a tv with 50 notes knocked off it,incredible.

We just stood and watched in shocked silence and when we saw an opening in the mayhem we headed for the doors.

So I will knock any further idea of gaining any bargains tomorrow,well today lol,I will not be going near any shops with sales on,no thankyou!!!!

I will enjoy spending my hard earned on things when folk will leave me to purchase in peace,not want to kill me for my wears lol

I will check the caves up the h#ill in the morning !!! seems we devolve!!!

Duncs stepping forward never back

Lol lol Duncs, d**n the world is on riot!!

Best to stay safe and cosy at home. I remember it being a blood bath over here last year...crazy what people can do for a little bargain pushing their way through.

Human race is more like animals now...a shame indeed.

That said, ...goodnight and keep looking after yourself.

S x

Hi DUNCS thanks for your comments you really help with my recovery, your wise words sum the whole situation up for me, I really feel that I can kick this for good. Given time. Thanks for your mantra abstain and maintain. Thanks again Ginger

Morning diary

well I guess black friday will be kept to an online affair in the future,some truly shocking scenes around the country,a really sad sight for me,but hey ho as I said I am in a fortunate position today to know we have the funds to enjoy a xmas,but then we are again approaching the event in a different way,we are again doing secret santa,we all drew one of the family and will buy for just that person,so the stress of xmas is taken away,we have for the past two years really enjoyed it for what it is,a few days off to enjoy each others company,this year to boot my Ma and Ed are towing their van down and spending a few days.

Still not sure what is on the menu for the xmas day lunch,one thing is for sure it will not be a turkey lol,seen enough already!!

Off to work shortly,a very short day for me today,happy days!!

All made possible because my haard earned is tucked away out of my reach,so Addiction is sulking in the back of my mind,long may it remain there!!!

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Duncs,

Thanks for the post. I'd like to say a big thank you to you. Your diary and your posts to others have been a huge source of inspiration and support to me from day one. You really are a shiny example of the light at the end of the tunnel and what can be achieved if we really want it badly enough. So again, I send my heartfelt gratitude and wish you well on your continued journey.

I am actually enjoying my own journey this time, which I never have before. With each day I seem to be regaining a little part of the 'old' me. And I did quite like the old me! I'm pleased I bit the bullet and signed up to this site, I've visited it before but always thought I can do it on my own. The truth is I can't. I'm not as infallible as I like to believe I am. And that's something I found very very hard to admit to myself.

I did write a HUGE paragraph on the other half, but I decided against posting it. It reeked of blame to be honest. I do in a way blame him for me starting to gamble, but I accept it was my decision not to stop when I knew I had a problem and for that I can't lay the blame at his door. Anyway, whether it's right or wrong, I am comfortable in my decision not to share it with him. I greatly admire those who can, but I think my success at this will largely depend on keeping it secret...that somehow makes sense in my own head!

As for smoking, ah man, I've tried and failed so many times before. Tried the patches...had the most horrific nightmares ever. Tried the gum...zero success, tried the inhaler things...made me feel sick and dizzy from trying to inhale more than they'd allow. Terrified to try the tablets in case I end up suicidal. The only thing that's worked a couple of times (well worked as in 4 months being the maximum) was the electronic cigarettes...and they weren't without consequence, I developed insomnia. I know it's technically still smoking but I did get to a point I was really only using it when I had a night out. But, as is my style, arrogance got the better of me 'of course I can have a real one, I'll never start properly again' big fat epic fail with a capital f. When will I ever learn???

So I reckon, with all the compulsory socialising that takes place through December, I'll be fighting a losing battle. I'm going to set my sights on a New Years resolution. I'll be 8 weeks gambling free by then so hopefully in a good place to start beating a second addiction. January is always depressing anyway so why not add nicotine withdrawal to the misery of it too

Take care
Jess

Evening Diary

Feel like I have been riding a rollercoaster through the past twenty four hours,one minute feeling eurphoric the next like I want to hide in the cupboard. firstly Sarah and the kids have got all the xmas shopping done,just one xmas jumper to buy and we are done!! (See the rule this year is no jumper no Dinner!! and we have bagged some corkers!!)so that is a good feeling,Sarah won't be jumping through hoops with panic and worry that she has brought to the festive season for every year we have been together,the product of her childhood without doubt,hopefully this year we will just be able to enjoy the quality time together,for what it is. Then my mind is doing cartwheels,it knows there is money in the bank,not a great deal but money all the same,the bills are paid for the month all but one which will be paid tomorrow and my mind wants to Spend,spend,spend

I know this is the impulsive irrational side of my brain,a part which thrived all through my gambling life,a part through recovery that has some what been strangled,I have written on here many times about the stuff I would buy that I really did not need,I would buy it just because I could,this ran in tandem with my gambling,the Boom and Bust lifestyle,great when you have it,great all the time wins come along but truly horrendous when loss followed loss.

As my gambling life progressed,the losses grew and the stark difference between having and not grew too.

I know this is something that effected Sarah too,she would manically spend as much of the funds as possible,because if they were not spent they would just be gambled.Today I know we could still improve the way we spend our hard earned,but I also understand the right to enjoy it.

But there comes the catch,because I get all panicky if there is not rainy day money,I feel the want or need to replenish the funds,to tighten the belt and be prudent.

My mind is at war with itself. I know the festive season breeds competition,the old 'well what did you get'

When I tell folk about us doing secret santa they look bemused,confused and it can leave me thinking f**k am I doing enough,am I letting the family down,selling them short.

But the other side of me thinks,well hang on the solution was made by taking away the problem,now the way things are if one of us needs something it is met,it is not saved up to parcel under the xmas presents umbrella,and it works,no stress,no hassle,no competition. Everyone gets something that means something,everyone has enjoyed the past couple of years because of it.

for me I don't conform to the majority,I speak my mind today,I try to find value,the full value in everything.

I no longer rely on luck,I am trying to find measure in my decisions,most of all I am trying to express my deep love for my dear family without material props.

the chase of what I saw over the garden fence got me into an ever growing mess for most of my adult life,it feels like today my answer would be to build a bigger fence to keep us in,so we could enjoy our own company without prejudice.

I don't know the answer,I don't know if there is one.

Sorry if that read like a load of boll##oc#ks but it gifted my mind the therapy it needed.

Today I have a belief in the choice I made to embrace recovery,that choice enriched by this amazing forum.

Phil,bornagain my heart went out to you over the past twenty four hours,fella I walked in those shoes too many times and Sonic my friend you gifted my resolve more than you would know,a great deal like My honourable friend over the pond,Joan

With honour and Strength

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Duncs,

Not at all. As ever I really relate to your post and I'm sure we understand things on a PAR with each other. Just like you to write what's been in my head this Christmas. I'm feeling on top. Not worrying but like you my mind still gets into a tizzy sometimes. Recognise, control, breathe and relax. Next year we will have that round. I'll come and pay you a visit. Peace my friend.

Mr.B

Dear dear Duncs,

Reading your post to me has made me cry, why because you understand, you really do, my OH knows about everything that goes on with my sons, and he knows how I feel now, and I know how he feels, totally insecure at this moment with me.

To be honest Duncs I would really love to play online slots tonight, but I can't, I won't. I must not. Because I have to look after me, if I can't do that, I can't look after my family, suddenly having spare cash is not good either especially this time of year, so all this with my son is not helping.

By listening to your wisdom, Steves persistence and push, and Sandra's belief and positivity in me and everyone else on this site, including the challenge I joined for extra strength, I will not let anyone or anything undo my hard work,

Stay strong Duncs and keep on abstaining and maintaining and thank you for caring and understanding.

Suzanne xx

Hi Duncs

Thanks again for your continued support.

Don't beat yourself up too much about the Christmas thing mate. Do what suits you and screw what other people think!

You are doing great in your continued recovery. The positivity is shining through in your diary for all to see.

Enjoy the month ahead the best you can with your lovely family. Look forward to seeing the Christmas jumper!!

All the best

Ade

Hi Duncs,

Your last post about using money in the right way is something I agree wholeheartedly with, Christmas is a season where so much money is spent and so many things given that it is easy to actually take the time spent with the family for granted. For me, I'll be having a Christmas with my brother and sister the weekend before Christmas, and its going to be the first time we do this kind of family meal for ages, so I'm really looking forward to it.

As for the Christmas jumper, I'm too much of a Grinch to wear one, I might even go so far as to say that I actively enjoy being cranky about the festive season. An overly jolly curmudgeon perhaps?

Spending is a tough one, and I'm the same where I'm not really able to budget too much for emergencies, as there's always something else to spend money on rather than putting it in a savings account.

All the best mate,

Ryan

Evening Diary

thanks for all the kind words folks,rational thinking is without doubt a huge benefit of continued abstinence,to be able to answer to financial questions honestly and if there are not funds to hand solutions can be found,not like my twenty years of gambling,where plain and smply problems were added.

I used to without doubt wear 'gambling goggles' they kind of distort real life into this haze of bul#l#s#hit living were everything will either be done tomorrow or on the second of never,no job is ever completed,one disaster is met with a greater one until folk lose all faith in anything you promise,most of all the promises you make to yourself.

The walk of shame,that head down,praying nobody has witnessed you feeding everything to hand into a machine,nobody has witnesses you walking to and from the machine,you talking to it,pleading with the gambling gods to just let oyu get your money back,that it will be the last time if you just grant a win!!!

f**k few times that number came in,the maximum paid in a single spin possible paid,did you walk away??? did you f**k!!

It just fed the lust to gamble.

In the cold light of today,those goggles removed I can see how futile and utterly ridiculous my actions were.

f**k me to the latter stages of my gambling life I would have had to win that paultry five hundred note maximum payout 40 times in a row just to make a small dent in the debt the fobt helped me to amass.

I was living,gambling a champagne lifestyle on lemonade jackpots!!!

The fobt bears no relation to winning,it was simply a gifter of endless mind fooks.

Self gifted ones at that.

Today I see it,I also see the fatal attraction,the offer of quick money,instant wins

The compulsive gamblers dream.

I Don't fear them today,I love it when I see nobody playing them when I walk or cycle past the many shops each day.

Because that means they are not stealing dreams,f**k me they certainly never made any did they!!!

So today I made an educated choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Thanks so much for the posts on my diary Duncs, I am clinging on at the moment, I know I continue to f**k up, but the old me would have left this forum and just given up on trying to fix myself. So I take something from the fact I'm still here. Recently its been one step forward and many steps back and I'm surprised people even bother responding to my posts because I feel like I'm a lost cause and it must look this way to others. Your story is inspirational, as are your posts and it gives me hope to see how you have turned your life around. I start my counselling on Thursday, its a first for me and can hopefully help me out. Once again thanks for the time spent posting on my diary.

Yo,

Great last post Duncs, reminder of the true reality of playing fobts, instead of the crazy dream world of a compulsive gambler .

Thank you !

Shiny xxx

397 Days free from a bet. You work hard every day.

your an important part of this site, im grateful for that