Friends with benefits (2011) Starring Justin Timberlake

The benefits of recovery

I've been sitting down this morning in the ridiculous heat and trying to think what the benefits of recovery

Firstly and highly noticeable is having a balance in my bank account. Feels very weird everytime I look at it. I even started the 1p challenge which now has a half decent amount of money in it. On that side I forget it's even there. It's dreadful not having to worry about having money to buy the normal things like food but then it's even stranger to eat regularly.

Next is the bills. Some how they have all been paid on time for months on end. I used to eagerly wait for all the calls and letters coming asking for money and the enjoyment of reading them.

What on earth is this talking to people and connection all about. For some reason I can't ignore people on the street without saying good morning or in shops. Worst of all they smile and reply. Why do I find myself like normal earthlings who talk rather than isolating and keeping myself to myself.

This ridiculous concept of telling the truth, what's that all about. Why do I now finding myself telling the truth and not picking one of a thousand lies. What do I do with my book of lies perfected over so many years. What about all the nervous energy of remembering who I told what and will they talk. Where has that gone now.

The concept of willingly offering help to people. Bizarre. Aren't a selfish compulsive gambler. Why am I doing things for people and not getting anything back other than a good feeling. Can't buy things with good feelings.

Where have all those useful character defects gone ? I need them and relied on them. I can't go through life using and improving my character strengths.

Time. Where is this quiet half an hour I was promised in GA Just for Today ? I gave up all that time gambling each day and where has that gone.

What can't I argue and fall out with people. It's so frustrating to feel good and get on with people.

This business of acceptance is taking the Mickey. I used to love being judgemental, manipulating, frustrated and angry. What's all this peace I feel in just keeping my side of the street clean

All of a sudden I've been trying to be the best version of myself which people seem to enjoy, same as me. What's wrong with being the absolute worse version of me, it served me well for years.

What the heck is empathy ? What is resonating all about ? Surely it's better to have sympathy for someone and ignore there problems ?

I've spent 44 years blocking out feelings, emotions and inner thoughts. Now they have flooded back I have no idea what to do with them.

I looked in the mirror this morning and I was smiling. Having all this vulnerability how can I smile and be happy.

Sharing problems in meetings and on forums. Why do I want to hear other people's problems and talk through them, let alone my own. It's crazy 

Most of all, the worst thing about recovery is it really messes up my gambling. I've not been able to gamble once over the last 7 months and 5 days.

The best thing about recovery is something they doesn't need saying. It's in all the sarcasm above