Abstaining Completely

Duncs

Thank you for taking the time to post on my diary again. Hopefully, unlike this time 4 months-ish ago, I will not mess it up again.

Thanks for your advice on telling significant others. I feel like - at the moment - I couldn't face the embarrassment of telling her I'd wasted quite so much. Maybe it''s because I feel I have steps left to help myself, having never downloaded blocking software before. I'm not really sure how downloading it works though - surely, I'd know the password so it wouldn't work?

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that odd way about being relieved it's over. The losses haven't really sunk in for me at the moment. I worry that I don't completely feel it's "over" because I haven't yet completely screwed up my finances. I have, however, self-excluded myself from the one website that I always rack up huge losses on (because they don't offer a maximum deposit per week service and allow reversed transactions - I was destined to lose).

Part of me feels like getting another loan. However, I feel like this would be covering my tracks and not suitably "punishing" myself for what i've done. That said, I don't feel it's right to now suddenly get stingy with regard to spending any money on my actual life, as that would only accentuate quite how much I've wasted gambling.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Thanks for the support.

Hi,

So, the initial gut wrenching is gone and the reality of the situation is here to deal with now. Luckily for me, the reality isn't too bad. The finances are OK; for me, it's just mental barriers. These may not be of any interest to others, but I'm going to write them down here to make them "stick" and remind myself to abstain and not chase.

1) I have a 6k debt from 5 months ago (covering the credit accrued over the last 4 years so I don't have to pay interest). In total now, my wasted money gambling has been around 6k. So, my "punishment" - as it were - can be seen as this debt. Mentally, at least, that's what I'm telling myself.

2) I can still be debt free by Christmas 2015. This is the aim. Even without this last drama, this timescale would only have been reduced by 3 or 4 months (as that's when my loan will be paid off, then I can start saving quickly).

3) If I can get debt free, I will be able to save quickly. I earn 1700 quid a month after tax, but at the moment, 550 goes straight into paying off loans. Ridiculous, yes. A noticable difference once they're gone - yes.

So, this means the money situation is OK (luckily). I need to get over the money lost ASAP, so I don't continue to hate myself and tempt myself into gambling. I can still do everything I would have wanted for me, my girlfriend etc.; it's just I'll have to rely on more credit.

Now, to tackle the issue in hand.

I am going to try and not blame myself for losing so much money. In a way, I genuinely don't. I have a problem. I know that. The problem is once I start gambling, I can't stop. In a way, I feel at least that I stopped before completing f*****g up my finances (in the past, lack of funds has been the only thing stopping me). At least that's some sort of twisted progress re stopping through choice, not neccessity.

The blame lies with betting in the first place - that was my error. Without the initial thought to bet, this wouldn't have happened.

So, why do I do it?

Well, it's a mixture. Firstly, I get bored during school holidays (I'm a teacher). Secondly, I get this idea that I "deserve" a controlled bet. Thirdly, I think I miss a feeling of self-worth during the school holidays when I'm on my own. I guess slobbing around at home doesn't feel that useful. Perhaps I see gambling - and the potential to "beat the bookies" - as a way to improve my self-worth (this always comes back when I teach and it's one of the reasons I love the job).

So, I need to come up with solutions to get around these problems, or at least methods of thinking.

Firstly, I know I cannot bet online. Ever. On anything. Like I've read, winning money was the real killer this time. I won money, the stakes increased, I chased, I lost. Simple. No more "rewards".

To get around the boredom idea and to feed into this idea of self-worth, I am going to seriously get onto a fitness regime. I don't like the idea of a gym - for me, it seems too much of a pain in the a**. So, I'm going to start using my weights etc properly at home and going running - for the moment - 1/2 times a week, hopefully increasing this as time goes on. I think this will kill time, help me feel good about myself, and give me another thing to get an "addiction" from (getting fitter / improving distances run etc.).

Except this will not cost me money and make me feel better.

Anyway, that's my plan.