Angel From Montgomery

Joan

Two things firstly my dear friend you are someone special,don't ever forget that and to boot you are one of the few who has someone special in your life,that person I have no doubt knows what you are thinking before you do!!

I am blessed with the same,lets not ever lose that through gifting your mind full time to the futile act that is for us gambling.

Great last few posts to read

Without doubt we are both mechanical people in a digital world lol.

Enjoy the break,sounds like a wonderful place.

Enjoy it.

P.s no doubt ED enjoyed playing with his fire crackers in the sky above!!

Duncs stepping forward never back

Life sounds good there and yeah enjoy all that good stuff cause you earned it girl. Glad your getting your fill of the finer things in life and hope it keeps over flowing for ya.

Hi E.,

I think this is the first vacation in years where I have not sat and obsessed about getting back to go gambling. P's sister came through with some cash and again first time for as long as I can remember not wanting to go off and spend it or I should say waste it on slots.

I'm not gonna allow myself to read too much into things or allow myself to get too far ahead of myself. I'm one tap away from disaster. It just feels good to not be obsessing about slots for a change.

We are away until Monday and I'm loving the down time. I'm feeling a little dread about returning to work but have decided to not bother bother til bother bothers me. Something P's Grammie used to say.

Still typing from this blasted phone so will be reading more than writing this week. It's good to read that Sis is feeling better. Always great hearing from Duncan and Soul I just love your spirit! Dragon fly I've been thinking of you when taking those long walks on the beach. P and I have spent every evening at Hering Cove watching the sun set. I could never describe the colors like you so I won't even try... It was great hearing from Blondie and of course the womble too!! I'm wondering where S.A has been and am thinking he must be doing just fine.

And of course, I've thought a lot about you too Ed. It's been a year and a half since you died. Some days I still can't believe that your gone. Sometimes I wonder if I'm having survivors guilt. Oh well.. I guess I'm just rambling now. Talk soon joanxxx

Hi E and girls,

Another wonderful post full of peace and happiness. Makes me wonder why we tend to skip these so important bits in life and gloss them over with something so painful and horrible as gambling?

Here and now - that's what matters the most

Good to see you enjoying your days Sis, may long it continue, cause you are so worth them.

Stay safe and keep smiling

S x

Well glad your enjoying that trip and them nasty slots a distant memory not worth reliving. Way to go girl and just keep enjoying them good things.

Thanks Sis and Soul!!

E.

It's our last night in P Town. There's supposed to be a supermoon tonight. The place is crowded with strangers. I'm with my favorite person on the planet. I feel like the luckiest woman on earth. Gambling is the last thing on my mind but I know how vulnerable we all are. P is here with our jackets so it's off to the beach to watch the sun set and the supermoon rise! Talk later -joanxxxx

Sounds like ya got a little piece of heaven there girl. Make the most of it.

Hi E.

It's days like today that remind me how much I suck at letting go. I keep saying over and over that line from Dr. Suess that goes something like "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".

Anyway, I'm dreading the big family dinner coming up on Tuesday. Two reasons. One because I don't fit in and two because you won't be there. I need to suck it up because it could be the last time for all of us and ma. She's getting up there and with everybody scattered to the wind who knows when we'll get the chance to all get together.

It's strange sort of bitter sweet. When you were alive there would be a little apprehension and I'm being polite ha ha about you being in attendance. Nobody ever knew which way the wind was gonna blow when it came to you and your drinking.

There's always complicated feelings around addicts as folks. Love and dread and fear and more love mixed in with sadness and old dried up resentments buried underneath layers of denial, bitterness and of course more love.

The bottom line is I will always love you past your failings because you were my big brother first. That's who you were and will always be to me. -joanxxxxx

Hi Sis

Yes letting go is the biggest challenge for all of us in this life. I suppose that takes the most of human's energy...

Wanted to write more than that but don't really think I can word it lol..yep, I managed t shut myself up for once 🙂

...family gathering, ya know I'm gonna hav one next month. Apparently all the cousins and nieces..I haven't seen most of them before and that's already putting me in uncomfortable position...I hardly fit in the company of folks I know well so hate t think how it will go lol..i'm afraid we just have to deal with it and am sure you are pretty good at doing that. You are E's sis after all and that says it all.

Keep smiling girl and don't look too far ahead, you have here and now and nobody can take it away from you. Enjoy!!

S x

Awe girl, don't worry about fitting in. We all are that horse of a different color and each of us dances to a different beat. The best thing you can be is just you and if others don't accept that then screw em. LOL

Enjoy what's left of that trip girl.

Thanks Sis. Soul, your are absolutely right. I shouldn't care what others think. I have just as much right to be there as anybody else.

E.,

I don't know why I get myself all wound up about this stuff. I don't like gatherings of any kind. I am very much a one to one kind of person. Crowds just freak me out. Even if I am related to them. It doesn't matter. I get self conscious and worry about approval. It's pretty sad that a grown woman can still feel this way -- and around her own blood. Sad.

Anyway, I'm also a little strung out about going back to work tomorrow. I know that once I get into it I will be fine.

On a more positive note for the first time in like 10+ years P and I returned from a vacation away and did not make a bee line for the slot machines as soon as we got home. This is a huge change for us. So, yeah I am patting us on the back. It has been our habit, our tradition to hold back on spending and to take off running to the casino first chance we got. This time we came home and just chilled. I don't even have the slightest urge.

We cannot start. If we start we will not stop. We may not spend all of our money at once, or blow the mortgage but, we will keep going every weekend until we have no extra money for anything. I am sick of living that way. Sick of being a slave to those machines. It comes down to self worth. We deserve better. We work hard and that money is ours for things that we need and want. The kind of urges I get now are different from the kind I get when we are in the thick of it. Folks on here talk about having to rewire the brain and I definitely agree. When we are in it we cannot see clearly. We are compelled. Folks in the thick of it are not lazy, stupid, or bad. They are in pain and are driven and well, just plain crazy until they can see the light again. I will always believe that we are all good people who just go a little crazy sometimes.

Anyway, no gambling tonight. I'm gonna sit with the anxiety about work. It will pass. It always does. As for the family wing ding tomorrow night. It's one dinner. Besides, it's not about me. It's about ma's and Brian's birthdays 50th/80th. Time to put on my happy pants and get glad. Life is good right now and I want to be awake for it. At any moment things could go belly up. No point in bothering bother until bother bothers me. G'night E. -joanxxxx

LOL LOL LOL girl did you hit the nail on the head or what. LOL LOL LOL Yup it all comes in our own good time and Yup nothing to worry about. Well that's all my take on it and yeah you don't bother that bad boy it won't bother you. LOL and all to true. Glad ya made that safe route home and sitting oh so prettier as a result. Yup can only speak for myself as to being a slow learner but sparks do fly once ignited. LOL LOL LOL

Family I guess their only as close as ya keep em, ones closets to your heart will always there and the rest distant memories. And Yup ed is rocking this world with you.

Glad your sorting it all out girl and It's turning up good.

Hi Hun,

Just passing through and wishing you Peace, love and a happy life.

love Sue xx

Morning E.,

I got home from work last night pretty exhausted. I started to write but, got stuck and then frustrated with reading. I shouldn't read diaries when I am tired.

I am discovering that I am a pretty classic introvert and interacting with people all day drains the life out of me. I get home and start reading and I am working with the dying embers of my last nerve. I should know better...

I had a dream about gambling last night. I'm not upset about this because it has happened before right about the same time. I believe that for me withdrawal happens in waves.

The first wave is the actual physical withdrawal from dopamine. That is the worst. People who are not addicts have no idea what it is like to jones for something. They blabber on about how we need to buck up and be adults. I agree with that but not during the first wave of withdrawal from an addictive substance. Too much dopamine is something to have to come down from. Read about it!

Anyway, I digress. So, now that I have passed through the first wave I think I am now at that point where I am asking myself now what? I used to think that I gambled because I was bored. What I know for a fact about myself is that I was not bored when I walked into a casino for the first time. Like most people I was curious.

Addiction to slot machine gambling is considered by some to be the cr a c k C*****e of gambling and I am a believer baby!

I observed myself last night. For me, boredom happens during the second wave. I wasn't bored last night. I was physically and mentally drained. I was looking for something to replace what I lost. The second wave is grief. I am all too familiar with the stages of grief.

I did a lot of things before I started gambling on slot machines. Now that I have passed through the withdrawal which is by the way a very painful process I am able to see more clearly where I need to go next. And, I can see more clearly that I have loads of interests and that this feeling of "boredom" for me is oftentimes physical and mental exhaustion. What I need is a good nights sleep, or a quiet corner to reflect, or a good book to read, or a great tv show. Something to do for a little while on my own so that I can just shut the world out. Just for a little while.

I am not weak, lazy, stupid, hateful, bad, and all of the other labels that get attached to addicts. I am a good person who accidentally walked into a pit. I climbed my way out and I will be at high risk for falling into pits for the rest of my life.

What I now know is that I am not blind. I can read the signs and do my level best to take better care of myself both physically and mentally.

So, that's what is on my mind this morning. Talk later E. -joanxxx