Angel From Montgomery

Joan

I will just say thanks for sharing,a very truthful and powerful post.

As always you gift anyone who reads.

Thanks for sharing.

Now the important bit

Look after number one,if you do that,you will not stop winning.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Joan

I have just read your post and I can relate to a few things you have put

Firstly may I say what an honest and positive post you have written

I work with customers and staff all day mostly dealing with 3 different people at one time so when I get home the last thing I want to do is socialise with people don't even want to speak on the phone sometimes even to family

Yes I agree interacting with people throughout the shift is very draining and I more often than not come home shattered and my release to unwind was online slots

My own little world and I again agree with you that when we are tired we think we are bored sometimes with me I just went straight online to shut the world out

I get panicky feelings and still feel sick in the bottom of my stomach if I get negative thoughts I am frightened I may give in but thankfully as the days are passing and I live each day one at a time these feelings are getting less but they are very strong and real when they occur

I really want to thank you for posting your thoughts today because It has helped me to understand myself more

I think you are doing brilliant and you definitely are not any if those labels and nor am I we are good people who fell into the trap of gambling

I wish you well on your continuing recovery

Best wishes

Suzanne x

Hi Sis,

Great post and really inspiring. Proud of you and hope you are proud of yourselves too. There is life out there to be lived, grab it and enjoy.

I am really sorry, my mind seemed to go blank...just want you to know, that I'm here for you anytime you feel the need to talk or let the steam out. Shout, scream cry and swear...yep, sponge here is always at the ready lol

Was listening to that song you well know yourself couple of times yesterday, it makes me cry every time I hear it cause it has meaning. ..happy tears indeed.. .and just a little thought of a long lost big brother I never had a chance to meet in this life. ..same as Ed for you,he is watching me and willing me on to carry on 🙂

Stay well girl, you are a brilliant person, never change.

Take care

S x

Thanks folks!

Hi E.,

I did a ton of yard work over the weekend and just finished up a few minutes ago. I still have some finishing touches on the hedges and will need to do some more weeding.

Eating better these days and feeling better as a result. I have so much more energy for physical work. I am a** tired right now, but, I feel good.

No gambling on slots but, I would be lying if I said I didn't think a lot about it over the weekend. We went ahead and spent every last dime of our extra money on sh--it for the house etc. We no longer have any credit cards. I let them all go and am happier without them. Without any access to cash we are pretty safe for now.

Am I depressed about having to live along side of this slots addiction for the rest of my life? I used to be but, not so much anymore. I don't even waste too much energy on hating the gaming bosses anymore. I personally think that there is a special circle of hell set aside for folks who deliberately exploit the weaknesses of other folks. I have decided to let God sort them out. Lol.

It is a beautiful sunny day here. There is a gentle breeze blowing through the window. No worries. Flying under "bother's" radar for now.

-joanxxx

Hi Joan

What a lovely post

You seem to be very calm and relaxed with yourself

Long may it continue

Suzanne x

Thank you Suzanne!

Morning E.,

I get to thinking sometimes, that folks might think I'm nuts for writing to a dead guy. Ha ha ha. Well, I already lost, and, miss you. I know you won't judge me, and you will be there for as long as I need you. Which, I'm thinking will be a very long time.

Another slot free day came and went. I'm finding other ways to boost my endorphins. I'm making better food choices and as a result my blood glucose levels are more stable. That means I have more energy. Doing more around here to help P. gives me greater confidence in myself.

Feeling more in control boosts my ego too. I'm not feeling as depressed lately, which I still think is a symptom of withdrawal from all of that dopamine and artificial day light.

Whatever, I am feeling a little better these days. Not "skippity doo dah" or anything like that. Ha ha. I'm not a bubbly kind of gal. It's more like the lights are on and somebody is home for a change.

For me, total immersion in slots is like being blind drunk on some level for weeks and months at a time. I can still manage to function but, barely. The machines are getting easier for the mindless to operate. Just sayin. It is completely mindless and one does not even have to put coins in or pull a lever. It's feed the twenty dollar bill in and press a button. Once I get started it could be months before I crash.

In this state of slot drunkenness I have no concept of time or the value of money. It's hypnotic, trance like. Folks who never got addicted will never know the power these machines have over people like me. Just like I will never understand fully how a man or a woman could get addicted to another man or woman. Or, drama for that matter. I don't get addicted to drama but, lots of folks do.

We are all the same on most levels. We are all flesh. And, flesh craves. Flesh accomplishes. Flesh fails. I am learning how to count my blessings and accomplishments at the end of each day. I don't think to myself, "well, I ate too much skinny pop today I'm a weak loser." I think instead, " I chose skinny pop over ice cream. Good for me!" I don't think, "well, I fu c k ed up and spent 300. that I did not have on the slots today. I suck and belong in hell." I think instead, "I left. I did not go back. I did not spend the mortgage. I'm back on track and as long as I recognize and admit my failings I'll be ok."

We all talk about "the journey". I am beginning to understand the gravity of that now. I can feel very small and broken looking up at a very unforgiving mountain or, I can get up every morning with a smile on my face and thank the stars that I got another chance to make it right. Whatever right is. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time.

Talking to a dead guy and corny. Ha ha ha ha... Oh well, that's me. Corny, daft, and grateful to be alive! -joanxxx

Hey E.,

I just realized that tomorrow will be my two year anniversary on the GC diaries! When I wrote my first post P. and I were at 33,000.00 in credit debt due to gambling on slots. Today, that amount is down to 11,000.00. Yeeeehah!

The smartest thing I ever did was hook up with that group that helped me consolidate my debt. The interest was negotiated an frozen at an agreed amount and in 3 years it has come down to about a third of what we owed.

I feel for every single soul on this forum that owes a ton of money due to gambling. It is possible to pay debts down. I am living proof of that.

In the last two years I cannot even count how many times I fell down. It doesn't matter. I got up every single time. I never stayed down and I never will. I will always get up and I will go out of this world fighting because that is who I am.

So there, slots addiction. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!! 😀

-joanxxxx

Hope you are having a well deserved rest today after hard work in garden. I too am health hazard as took the toe off my shoe once with rotary mower - just a good job I was wearing some.

Sat on the motorway in the heat today with no air con in my tiny car so my brain is now liquid and seeping out my ears (now doesn't that conjure up a lovely picture). Speaking of pictures forgot to say that the other day that I love the Erika Oller card you spoke about - two old ladies with fruit pie. Have you seen all her others, I have been sent loads of them by friends, I especially like the seaside ones, you can google them if you haven't seen them all but they do make me smile. I have a friend I have known thirty years and they even look like us.

Brill news about your debt but I do find sometimes it makes it harder as I think money ok now so this bit wont be missed, I can just throw it away inside this metal contraption while I wait for the little figures on the front to stand in a row - wow that's really living the exciting life - not.

Achieved a huge amount with one of my beautiful young 15 yr old rebels today (got her into art college) so actually feeling happy - think I had almost forgotten what it feels like as have been so stressed at work.

Anyhow bumbling on but just wanted to call by and acknowledge the good stuff that happens alongside the not so good.

Waving limply with last drop of energy.

xxx

Hey Joan

Loved your last few posts to Ed, lots of things I can relate to, I have a facebook page that I set up when my dad died and I have wrote on it over 2 years, it's soothing for me , it allows me to send out my thoughts and feelings to cyber space and who knows where Ed and my dad are ... Right....?

Your posts ooze the journey we are all on... Keep standing up and standing tall.

Take care Blondie

Xxx

Hey Sis,

Two years on this lovely site is something amazing. Recovery gifts us our life back and even if the road is not smooth, progress is always being made. Well done girl, keep on the right track and may peace and happiness always stays close by your side. ..simply, ur worth it 🙂

Stay good and out of trouble

S x

Hi Joan

Thanks for your lovely post and support

Well done on 2 years of battling with this ridiculous destructive addiction you should be very proud you have come so far on this roller coaster journey

Have a good day and stay positive you are doing simply GREaT

Suzanne x

Hi Joan... great last post...full of positivity. Unfortunately my debts just went up and up and up and up again and then eventually I was in such a bad state that I declared myself bankrupt. So your story about having brought a large debt down to a much smaller debt through your own hard effort is a huge credit to you... well done.

Ive been here for 6 years and two months... time flies eh!... and even though ive had my falls as well ive always got up fighting just as you have... now that's a good thing. Onwards to even better times. Regards.. S.A 🙂

Thanks GC family!!

Hi E.,

Today marks 2 years since finding this wonderful forum.

Yesterday:

Desperate

Isolated

Enraged

Confused

Guilty

Ashamed

Lost

Powerless

Humiliated

Bereft

Arrogant

Certain

I suppose the list goes on..

Today:

I can still feel all of the above from time to time but, I do not define myself by any of the above nor, do I feel bad for feeling any of the above.

Today, I am more resilient, more in control and as a result, finally out of the pit of deep dark shame. I no longer feel guilty for past mistakes.

Today, I realize that to be fully human I need to accept my past and even embrace parts of it. I can let go of other parts without guilt.

Today, I recognize myself as a work in progress. "I am what I am, I'm just one of the people....", And, as Duncs would say " ALWAYS stepping forward, NEVER back."

A huge hug to all of GC!!! There are no words to express my gratitude!! -joanxxxx

Hi E.,

It was a long day today. I've been feeling a little out of it. Not sure exactly how to explain it. I decided to just sit with it. Feeling a little bit better now.

The weekend is coming. No concerns about gambling on slots because we really don't have any money. For now, what seems to be helping is eliminating the extra cash. We cannot really save until the debt is paid off so, instead of flushing our extra cash down the toilet we pick something we need or really want for ourselves, or the house, and just go for it.

I cut up all of our credit cards a few years ago and any time an offer comes in the mail I tear them up. I don't even open the envelopes. Like I said this works for now. The longer we stay away from the casino the less often the urges come. When they do come, they don't seem quite as extreme.

An urge with extra cash in the bank is a recipe for disaster. Once our debt is paid off I will consider long term savings again but, might have to hand it over to a trusted friend.

I was offered extra training hours this summer but, declined. Extra hours in the past always meant extra money. Extra money always wound up in the casino bosses pockets. This time I will choose the time off over the money. With that time I will do more work around the house inside and out.

In the past I would count pay days. I realize now, that I was walking on very thin ice. For now, we have all of our needs budgeted out. Once we fill up the house with as much toilet paper and paper towels it can hold I might consider doubling the mortgage payment.

That's it for now. Steadily and cautiously moving forward. Some days it feels as if I am standing still. I am doing the best that I can.

Talk soon. -joanxxx

Hey Sis

d**n.......feeling out of place and standing still not to make the wrong move..so so welcome to my world! ! I thought I am the only one taking all the precautions and sometimes ignoring the world passing by, just to keep me sane.

I might be off the record here, but I think I'm pretty close where you are now.

Extra work and extra cash meant giving it away to online slots for over a year...that is past. I have a job, I get my pay.... - I keep it. For the bills, food, car maintenance, little trips out with my little boy (nephew)... for myself. A year in recovery changed my way on looking at material things. I do not treat myself,...no, not yet.. but I will, that extra spare money goes for something I know I will enjoy and it will b worth it.

I suppose all this is just to say, I know what you are talking about - simple things in life brings the biggest pleasure. Let's keep it this way sis, let's enjoy this life for what it is...a little crazy and annoying at a times, a little confusing and depressing. .but more than everything - beautiful in all aspects.

Thanx sis, I just loved your post and it made me feel very happy and fortunate to be here and now, surrounded by simple things I used to ignore.

Day at a time, be proud and keep moving on. Staying still can help to find the way forward

(((((J))))) xxx