Angel From Montgomery

Morning E.,

It's cold for an August morning. The sun is up but, like me lacking considerable luster. There's a steady drip, drip, drip, from the gutter onto the back porch steps, and in the distance I can hear the caw of the crow and the plaintive moan of a lone turtle dove.

I'm waiting for the paper boy to arrive so that I can give him his tip. I am a selfish, depraved, slot J****E but, I still have the crisp twenty dollar bill that belongs to him. Twenty dollar bills don't buy much anymore. But, no sense going down that road.

We did manage to get ourselves to the stores yesterday and purchased a respectable amount of cr** for the house. We found a book store that sells slightly used paper back books too so we picked up a ton of those as well.

I like this place because when we are finished with this pile of books we can bring them back and use them for credit toward the next pile. Better than the library because we don't have that deadline looming over our heads.

By early evening boredom set in, and idle, addled minds had their way. The rest of the story is as they say; history... I guess I can tell myself that we did not spend any money budgeted away for the mortgage, the groceries, gasoline, the bills, and mom's upkeep and that we still have some left over to spare but, although the truth, that would be just white washing the big ugly t**d in the room.

So, for the record I must admit that in spite of all of my words. All of my argument. All of my efforts. We went any way. And, there we sat, surrounded by a multitude of white haired folk hobbling with canes, walkers, and scooters. It was a big day for the casino man. They made off with everybody's August welfare checks.

I cannot in all fairness get mad at the casino man because it was I who chose to go. And, I cannot cry now because it was I who let my own self down yet again. Around and around it goes. When will she stop? Nobody knows.

I guess I was feeling pretty full of myself for not stealing from my mothers purse last week. As soon as the penny dropped into my personal account the wheels were set into motion. The lies that an addict tells themselves pale in the shadows of the lies they tell those that they love. Only those with night vision can see to the depths of my fathomless pit of bu l l sh i t.

So there it is. In print. Now what? I suppose that's the point. I get up and face the cold dawn and thank my lucky stars that I have another day today to try to get it right.

Talk soon. -joanxxx

Hey girl, and sounds like nice day going on by you. Guess i share this duplex with one other family and we each have our own place divided down the middle pretty much. Only thing we share is the driveway and yard really. But yeah is connected at the middle which pretty much caused the last issue. LOL guess I was sealing up along that middle any pipes down stairs that led into their place with that foam insulation and Yup that's where fingers got involved. LOL boy that is some nasty stuff to get off. Anyway they were claiming to have a insect issue and yeah was trying to make sure none of them little bast-ards made their way through to my side is what started all of it. LOL yeah ain't got many pipes upstairs that lead their way and just used chalk around those to seal shut. And guess there ain't many downstairs either but just thought the foaming insulation stuff would be easier. LOL little did I know. LOL Lol Lol guess reading the precautions on the can would of helped but no time for all that cause yeah when I pulled in the driveway the pesticide guy was there already spraying. LOL yeah already had the upstairs sealed up but not the basement. So yeah the rest is history other than getting a text from the land lord saying these bugs officially don't exsist ( passed on from the pesticide guy) a few hours later. LOL Lol Lol Yup still wanna spray my neighbors head to toe with that other can I got but will refrain since hear jail ain't such a nice place to be. LOL Lol Lol

So yeah other sending my beloved pepper plant which I raised from a seed to that sunny spot in the sky it was a great day off. LOL Hell down to one plant and hope i at least see one pepper off the thing. LOL Yup wanted to gamble that pain away real bad but my wallet had a good belly laugh at that one. Guess i ain't totally broke and actually thought of doing a pay day loan for extra cash but yeah how much worse do I really wanna feel I guess. LOL so Yup was a real cra-ppy 3 days off and just hoping the 4th and final is better. Well I know it will be. Hell got me like this pound and a half t-bone that will be hitting the grill later and some wild rice and mushroom brats to join it so yeah with beer in hand to complete that picture aint nobody gonna f*** with today. LOL Lol Lol

Glad life is treating ya good and sorry for the ramble but yeah I'm sure it made them lips curl upward a bit. LOL glad your staying gamble free and keep up the trend.

Morning E.,

Not sure who Rachel is, but, had me wondering about whether or not my thread was being monitored. (playing now: The theme from The Twilight Zone)

Anyway, paranoia doesn't bring out the best in me, so it's best to stear clear. Am I disappointed in our behavior at the beginning of the weekend? Yes. Am I proud of the fact that we carried on without bankrupting ourselves. Absolutely.

I read a post by someone apologizing for not being in debt or bankrupt. I don't get it. I mean I get it but, it's one of those things that gets my goat. This journey although being played out on a public forum is personal. Individual. There is a place for everyone who wants to make a positive change to improve the quality of their lives.

For us, gambling on slots has been a progressive slide downhill. It's easy to get addicted to them because it all happens so quickly. Plus there is no strategy involved at all. In probably one year's time P and I became addicted.

At that time we only spent what we earned. Then I started taking out money from my checking cash reserve. When that wasn't enough, I went to my credit card for a cash loan. When that ran dry I simply got another credit card. When I got panicked about how much we were starting to owe I would swear off gambling and go to family to help me pay down my cards. All that did was enable us to play more. Eventually, we maxed out my reserve and three credit cards to the tune of 33,000.00.

Have we made progress since then? Absolutely! Do I think that P and I will ever be able to gamble on slots in moderation? Never. Will some folks grow tired of reading about our slips? Possibly. Should I let that bother me? No.

So, where was I. Oh, yes. Recovery from the weekend. Last week I got the urge to steal from my mother. I did everything possible to not act on that thought and successfully dodged that bullet.

However, as soon as we got paid the wheels were set in motion. I must have been hatching that thought subconsciously and as I said, the rest was history. We left the house with the intention of spending a couple of hundred and it doesn't take a degree in neuroscience to figure out what happened next.

It's hard to come back to this diary with my tail between my legs and my heart in my hands. But, if I cannot be honest with myself I cannot be honest with others. If I cannot forgive myself I can never forgive others. If I don't love myself first then I am no good to those I claim to love.

I feel great today because I am sitting here typing away in front of my window. I am not lying in a hospital bed somewhere in agony wishing for death. I am not in some third world country fighting off disease or bandits.

I am a recovering slot J****E. Some days are better than others. I am moving in the right direction. Change is slow and that is just the way it is. I could have woken up this morning lying next to a curb. Instead I woke up lying next to my best friend in a cool dry relatively happy home.

Amen. Talks soon. -joanxxxx

Hi Sis,

HEYYYY SISSSSSS!!!!! 🙂

Girl, we are all so different on here but so similar in a way. I for one, fall...injure myself (and my bank balance) and then just finishing myself off by beating myself black and blue ..lol...and then some more..You, my friend, yes you fell and you bouncing back in a fighting spirit. No need to beat ourselves up cause that don't change a lot. Yes, you admit you made a wrong choice - hell, you can only learn from it. As i found recovery is ongoing process with a lot of up and downs. It is what it is. As you say so rightly - you have got your health, you are safe in your house, you have your loved one close by. You are making progress girl, debts will go down, ...some months not as quick as the others but they will go down.

Would you like to be perfect in every way? I doubt it, lol..but ya know what you are perfect in your own way and that is something nobody will take away from you.

Rambling here, as always lol

Just b kind to you, keep reaching for that complete peace with yourself and never ever give up giving up..be proud of who you are

Going now, but here anytime you want to talk.

Take care and have lovely week

S x

Girl even though we slip were still making progress. Them slips become less frequent and hopefully less earth shattering. Hell ya had some good clean time there, enjoyed a fabulous vacation, had money for the unexpected and yeah none of that would of happened if you were tossing it all away to a slot machine. Were getting it slow but sure and ain't nothing wrong with that. Guess we gotta learn by our mistakes though and not think to lightly of it either. Just such a nasty addiction that we can't really turn our backs on it and be comfortable either. Glad ya came here first and that's a great start girl.

Hi Joan,

I don't post much nemore, but I always read. I read ur diary often ur posts always touch me u r a gr8 lady. I get a lot of strength from wot u write so thank u 4 just being u!

Sorry 2 hear about ur slip but they are part of this journey, they help us learn and I think they make us stronger! I am proud of ur progress and I know Ed would be 2. Keep being u and stay strong, u deserve nothing but happiness 🙂

Take care xx

Just popping by and hoping all is good with you and P. Got another 2 days of vacation and 4 day weekend looking me in the face and just hoping it ain't anything like last week. LOL Yup bound to have them days on occasion but just wish they were someone else's Lol

It's gonna be a good one Soulie, I can feel it..

Hey E.,

I wish I was somebody else on days like these. I feel horrible for even having urges to gamble. What in the world is wrong with me???? I have just enough money to get us through. We dodged a bullet last weekend and this weekend I am holding the pistol to my head. I just don't get it.

Somebody mentioned sabotage in one of their threads. Maybe that's what I'm up to some days. Maybe I don't have enough to worry about and I am creating drama. I could just slap myself. I cant even imagine what I must look like to someone who is not a compulsive gambler.

I'm not stupid. I'm not bad. I guess that leaves crazy. Maybe I'm just crazy. As I write this to you the edge seems to be coming off. I'm telling myself I have to get through the next 4 hours. If I can do that I will be in the clear. I will wake up tomorrow morning feeling refreshed and grateful that I did not let myself down.

I can do that. I can do four hours. Sorry to anybody out there looking in at my post. This one just stinks out loud. Talk later. -joanxxx

Hey there 🙂

Sorry...i looked at ur post lol..d**n girl - keep freakin fighting!!!! Minutes, hours and so on... your feelings just shows how strong of a fighter you are. Do not defeat yourself, ..nothing happened and nothing is gonna happen because my dear sis you are stronger than you think. f**k this beast and let's just rip it's head off!!! We are better than addiction and we are worth to wake up feeling refreshed, able to smile and give ourselves high five for keeping strong.

Fighting alongside you girl - ALWAYS

((((J)))) xxx

Ps. I've got next 4hrs spare of u need a chat :-)))

Haha...eh girl, I'm sorry but you made me smile. R u telling me you wonna give ur evening in front of tv with P (with her hurting foot) away for some stinking place??!! Get out sis!!! Lol, you best get moving and preparing nice food instead..i just hope there is no awards going on on that telly cause do remember your Dissapointment with that red carpet lol.

Addiction plays mind games, that's all it is girl. Hey, you are winning now, wot more could you ask for? Money?? Phew..b*****ks!! Sorry for swearing. We hav a problem girl and as much as we hate to admit it, we are loosers..just cause we can't stop. Cmon shift that a** and do something useful. It's about 5pm ur way if I'm right so sun must still b up, maybe some spells for that skin and soul? That helps 🙂 or...well, if u hav a car, go wash it...or...well, best just stay in and cook smthing 🙂 surprise P (i guess you are panicking now cause u might not hav ingredients lol..go to that shop girl!!! )..so many things you can do sis, put ur imagination into action, u can't find anything like that in tjose stinking places..u r simply worth more!!!! Way more!!

Voice?? Never!!!! Lol lol..d**n u watch i will b coming round with my popcorn in a minute lol lol. Hell girl, are you listening to urself here? Just re read what you just wrote...wow -so much on a menu u shouldn't know where to turn!! Yep, catch those last rays of sun..oh yea..as far as i remember you hav those royal dogs..well, why don't you take them out and let them inhale a bit of that breeze?

Chicken on a menu, way to go girl!!! I like chicken lol lol, to be honest that's pretty much the only meat i eat lol, if i can b bothered to cook that is 🙂

I did a lot of gardening today (not gardening person must add), washing, cut grass, went for never ending jog....gambling? - d**n...don't swear 🙂 just listen, you are doing great, you are slaying that dragon and as of smoky places...w*f? lol..no good for ur health you smoke or not. That's disgusting and not only takes ur money away from you but lungs as well...keep those ffs lol

Ps. Hell, can't u tell I'm i ln good communication with soul lol lol..and not even few cold ones in my system. .still, life is better than we think 😉

P*s. I hate voice lol. Switch it over to good comedy!! Dare you haha

Hey girl 🙂 you do what is right ok, and you know what it is..please stay safe today ok..maybe just for ur little sis? I hope i don't ask for too much..but just keep it in mind 🙂

Enjoy the rest of ur day...just do it!!!

(((J)))

HEYYYY SISTERRRRR!!!!!!! xxx

Hi E.,

I got through a rough evening last night with a little help from my Sis. Thanks again Sis. Sometimes just having another person nearby who can relate to what you are thinking and feeling makes the world of difference even when they are a world away! This forum is magical.

This morning is a doctor's appointment to find out what's wrong with P's foot. After that who knows? It wont be gambling. We don't have any money. Once again, last week we thought that we might be able to gamble in moderation. We spent extra cash and did manage to come home alright but, once again I found myself obsessing about taking out credit!

What does this prove? It proves what I have known all along about me. The kind of gambler I am. I can swear off for awhile thinking that now that there is more space between me and that stink hole and a little bit of money to spare that I am in the clear to do a little harmless playing on the slots.

I literally lose my mind! I promised myself that I would never ever again use credit to gamble with. The fact that I allowed the mere temptation to seep in over the last couple of weeks scares the hell out of me.

Did I pop up this morning feeling like the happiest girl in the whole U.S.A.? Not exactly. Nor am I thinking this is a skippity doo dah day. I do feel like I accomplished something getting past that urge last night. But, I feel weak in my resolve and I have to do better to get it back.

Ed, I tell you this because people on here will probably think that I'm crazy or silly. All of the hype about Ebola virus has gotten to me. I am a teacher and 97% of my class is African. Many of these folks travel back and forth to their countries all summer long. Some of them I know come from the western regions that are currently affected. I have been petrified that at some point this virus is going to find it's way over here. Americans can be so arrogant. I'm not at all surprised that most feel invulnerable. It's an American value. What folks don't realize is that in agencies like the one I work for there are huge populations of folks who visit west Africa pretty regularly and this deadly illness has a 21 day incubation period.

Anyway, when I get scared and maybe even a little bit paranoid it doesn't bring out the best in me. I do not act outwardly like a germaphobe. On the contrary. It's business as usual. My point is that when I stuff strong feelings or negative feelings it comes out one way or another. I am not using ebola as an excuse to gamble. LOL. I am naming fear as one of my biggest and deadliest triggers.

I am one scared b**** sometimes and I just have to say it out loud. I have done some research on this disease and found that although we don't know as much about it as we should yet we know enough to know how it seems to spread. The most vulnerable people are obviously the folks living in these countries and neighboring countries. If it were to find it's way to the U.S. I would imagine it would be someone ill with the virus returning to the States and that it would be the folks working in emergency rooms that would be the most vulnerable.

It wasn't easy for me to write these words. I feel a little silly, stupid, and selfish. I should be on my knees thanking the stars that I have my family and my health when there are people today suffering terribly and losing their families.

Sometimes, I get lost in my thoughts and they become full blown fears. This post was about letting go of fear and not a condemnation of the African people from Western Africa. Sometimes folks read the words of other diarists and go to town. So, just wanting to be clear that my ranting is my own for myself.

I am joan. I am a compulsive gambler and sometimes I let fear get in the way of making healthy choices. Today, I am feeling a little weak and stupid but, I will not gamble. -joanxxx

Hi E.,

One more thought: It just dawned on me that the fear I feel is about loss or lack of control. How ironic is it that when I gamble I lose control. I have to think about that more. My fear of losing control. -joanxxx