Angel From Montgomery

Hi Joan

What a lovely honest and frank post

Thankyou for sharing your thoughts

I wish you a peaceful and strong day

Take care

Suzanne xx

Thanks Sis and Suzanne!

Morning E.,

I am having trouble expressing myself in writing this morning. I didn't gamble last night. I wanted to. I could have gone into our mother's checking cash reserve but, I didn't.

Am I looking for a prize or a pat on the back? No, not really. But, I think at this point in my recovery it is important for me to focus on the positives. Not rag on myself for the fact that I thought about it more than once but, honor myself for not acting on that thought.

Thoughts are just thoughts. I am not a vile or bad person for having thoughts. Now that I kicked that that urge to the curb, I am stronger when the next one comes along. At least that's my theory for now...

The slot J****E itching for scratch when there is none to be had. Hatching schemes to get some. Willing to set aside ones humanity. Trading integrity for a little scratch to calm that itch. There is very little difference between a drug addict and a slots J****E.

I don't care if anyone agrees with me. It doesn't matter. I know what I have to do to stay clean today. P and I are gonna hang out together in our own backyard. We are gonna soak up some sunshine and maybe have a weenie roast later.

Our little Winnie is sad this morning. One of her charges a guinea pig named Punk'n died yesterday. I have been trying to explain to her that it's not her fault. She doesn't understand how Death got away with it on her watch. Poor little thing. She tries so hard. She refused her morning kibble. I know that she cannot resist toast. So, I am off to make my Winnie some toast.

Talk soon. -joanxxx

Morning E.,

Being in my mid fifties and having no living relatives residing in this State besides my aging mother means I must look after my own finances.

This weekend has been challenging. P and I no longer have any credit cards in our names. I canceled my moms one and only card because she had no use for it. The only thing remaining is a cash credit reserve on her personal account for emergencies.

Having access to that credit has been challenging. It is more important to me now to be a daughter deserving of my mom's trust than a selfish thieving slot J****E. The choice I have to make then is: Do I steal from my vulnerable, trusting aging mother OR, do I resist the temptation and be the daughter deserving of my mother's trust?

I chose self love. I deserve to be trusted.

I have been completely honest with mom over the last couple of years about my addictions. She gets it. She's old school. We don't come from royalty or old money. "Folks" always seem to have "something". And, "folks" typically live out loud. There were always tipplers, and weird uncles, and gamblers around.

Mom comes from the school of learn, grow, or go. She doesn't beat me up but, doesn't abide a lot of whining and complaining. P's ma is similar. She has been known to say, "don't throw a rock in your windshield and then cry because it's broken". That's my personal favorite. lol.

No words were ever truer. Yes, I am tempted by a lot of things. I am flesh. I craved the slots pretty much all day Friday and part of the day yesterday. I do have access to credit and the casino is 30 minutes away. Both P and I had challenging work weeks. P even more so as another favorite work mate was just sacked.

What we have learned so far is that gambling on slots is not the answer. It never will be the answer. Some days I am stronger than other days. I am not a perfect person but, I am aware now. With that awareness came change and growth. Change is slow. Life isn't easy.

Nobody every told me that life would be easy. Most of the time life is good. The best advice anyone ever gave me about overcoming addictions has been to take each day one day at a time. Not, like a jail sentence but, more like a do over. Each new day is an opportunity to start over again. To do the right thing. To be a better person. To love and honor myself. When I do that I am a better partner, a better daughter, and a better employee.

That's it for me so far. Talk soon. -joanxxx

Hi Joan

One day at a time works for me too

Lovely post again

And yes you do deserve to be trusted

Suzanne xx

Hi E.,

Well. I got through the weekend without gambling. I did not steal money from my aging mother's purse. big pat on the back for me? No. Not at all. But staying honest with myself seems to help with urges.

I got through most of the work week so far. I'm dragging a s s. I developed a raging UTI some time on Sunday. I'm taking antibiotics and it seems to be settling. I hope this isn't a kidney stone again...

Reading around the forum lately has made me sad. I don't know what to say and feel that I have very little to offer most people in the form of advice. I fall down pretty regularly myself but, do feel as if I am making progress when it comes to gambling on slots and over eating.

Oh well. Not much else to say. I don't count days anymore because it makes me feel like I need to carry a straight A average for all time and if I don't that must mean I'm stupid or sub par. I had a college professor who once said, "C's make degrees". I am a firm believer in "progress, not perfection".

I have to be hard on myself from time to time but, I also need to lighten up too. It's all about balance. I'm gonna go and put the Deadliest Catch on the t.v. and try not to obsess too much about what hasn't happened yet.

Talk soon. -joanxxx

Joan

My dear friend you are doing something amazing,it really is something to behold,for it be enlightened.

I know how this addiction works,it taps away,uses our thoughts good and bad to try and taunt us that life is better when we gamble.

The thing is any 'good' feeling is so short lived if you blinked you would miss it,that feeling is replaced by the self loathing,depressed,no self esteem or belief in anything except the chase.

Oh the chase!! I think toward the latter stages of my own gambling life,the biggest thrill was getting away with the losses,more terrible lies,a bigger hole dug for myself,truthfully never seeing the gravity of the situation,still blindly devoted to the gambling gods!!

Without gambling in our lives are we better for it??

Of course we are my friend,yes we can never say never again,the pressure in that statement would be overbearing and most of all possibly untrue.

Today recovery brings truth,plain old truth,some of it unpleasant but far less unpleasant than the self gifted fookedy f**k of a punt.

As for the forum,it does seem to be having a torrid time at present,the truth in that Joan is we cannot change the events of others,we can just be ourselves,learn from what we read,take it as a bitter pill,our medicine to help guide our own choice.

We have walked in those shoes,danced that dance.

Just for today,we have a choice to make,be proud of yours

What you gift this forum I cannot put into words,they wouldn't measure up to the power of your gift,for the fact you have stripped it bare,opened your wounds to address the poison within,your scars many, you don't hide them but you don't wear them for sympathy either.

You have traveled a long way my friend,

it is a pleasure to stand by your side.

As ever stepping forward never back.

With honor and strength

Duncs.

Hi Joan... to me you make so much sense. I am once and for all done and dusted with counting. It does me no favours in the long term, simply sets me up for another fall. Along time ago somebody said to me "you try to do recovery perfectly and then you end up not doing it at all". There is some truth in that wisdom. The fact is am not a straight A student but if am being good to myself I'd say am a B student, which is absolutely fine.

My mum is old school as well. She said to me when my addiction was in full swing "I'd be very sad if you chose to gamble until you were homeless and hungry.... but when all is said and done it would have been your choice". Can't argue with that eh.

Anyway thanks for your support in my time of need. Hope your in good health today and of course a big well done for resisting temptation. Regards... S.A 🙂

Can relate so much to what you say as always felt, and often still do, that had to be perfect, which is crazy as often the best things in life are flawed a little (the strangely handsome guy with the broken nose). Had to spellcheck that as it came out ' the best thing sin in life' or maybe I should have left it as could do with a bit of sinning around here - all legal of course.

Working hard, which is surely a contradiction in terms, to get a bit of balance and less stress in my life at the moment and no excuse really not to as perfect in every way here today on the river, just keep having to hide from the people taking photos as they go past the boat so have ditched the swimwear for today ( I mean for more clothes not less -yuk)

Sounds to me from your speaking with Ed that you are attaining that elusive balance although it sure don't come easy to any of us but feels like he is helping you along these days, so many better things to spend the hard earned, on making memories on holiday.

A bit lethargic lying here typing but managing a gentle wave from the deck.

Take care xxx

Thank you so much folks!!

Hi E.,

And, I am still draggin a**e today. I am off work for a few days starting tomorrow and am feeling extremely vulnerable. Pay day...

I think that I want to gamble on slots because on some level I still think it's a fun way to forget all of my troubles. The truth is; losing on the slots will only make my troubles that much worse. The only thing worse than worse itself would be winning on slots because that would just prolong the agony and the inevitable. I would lose every dollar won and every expendable dollar left. Leaving me feeling sad, ripped off, and stupid. DONT THROW A ROCK AT YOUR OWN WINDSHIED AND THEN CRY ABOUT IT BEING BROKEN!!

Sigh... Just like last weekend. I deserve to be trusted and I deserve to have and enjoy my hard earned money. p*s s in g it into a slot machine is INSANITY. Why? Because, I would be doing it expecting something different to happen. NOTHING DIFFERENT IS EVER GOING TO HAPPEN! It always ends up the same way. Bank busted. Me feeling like a defeated piece of s * i t.

So, a plan is in order. I will hand over all of the extra money to P who will go out and purchase a stock pile of stuff that we will eventually use. Stuff like cleaning products for the house. Soaps and armpit creams and god knows what else.

Our cupboards and closets will bulge. It will be like Christmas Day in Whoville! We may not have anything saved but, we will have the stuff that we need when we need it. My money is mine to do whatever I want to do with but, it should be spent a value for a value. Not some random shot in the dark that will add up to NOTHING - A BIG FAT ZERO in the end.

I know it's not about the money money. It's not about the cha ching cha ching. It's about crazy thoughts and idle hands. Its about worrying about things that I cannot do a d**n thing about. It's about worrying and fretting about sh i t that has not even happened.

I'm gonna be okay. I believe that we are all gonna be okay. I really do believe that. It's your Birthday coming up on the 6th. Missing you always. -joanxxx

Hey Sis,

I hope you will wake feeling a bit better than recently. Days like that are ok, they are manageable. ..keep kicking gambling thoughts away, hell SIS YOU DON'T WONNA GO BACK THERE. Not shouting or lecturing, just hoping you can read between the lines and see what I mean.

life is for living eh, it is indeed. Not perfect and not rosy, but so special in many other ways.

I, like you really struggle to write recently. Fog hasn't fully lifted but I'm getting there 🙂

Wish you wonderful weekend, enjoy and share those smiles with your loved ones and never forget somebody from the above is always smiling at you too..he is proud as well as you should be proud of yourself.

Take care girl

(((J))) xx

Thanks Sis.

Hi E.,

And, so it begins... The echoing blabbering of the inner monologue about gambling on slots today, because I have two extra nickels to rub together.

The truth is; We don't. We still owe a ton of money and until we have paid off all debts we really do not have extra money.

We have a boiler in the basement teetering on disaster. Will it come on this winter? Who knows?? A new one will cost 10,000. easily because of the asbestos abatement costs. I have a front tire that has a slow leak in it. Why not buy a new one already??

Wouldn't it be nice to feel like a real person by tipping the paper boy for once? A guy who gets that paper on the back porch every morning come rain or shine? And, smiles about it. He deserves a decent tip!

P deserves a nice lunch out, or maybe she wants to get her nails done? Not my cup of tea but, I know she would love that! Why not do something unselfish for a change?

We wear our clothes until they are falling off. We run our cars into the ground. We live on next to nothing and all so that we can sit in front of a game. A game that was designed to beat me. A game that was designed to trick my brain into plugging twenty after twenty into the hole.

In one hour or 500 dollars later which ever comes first -- it's all over. And, when it's over I cry all the way home. Not because I lost all of my money. Not because I let myself down AGAIN. Not because I am a chump. but, because I can't play anymore.

This is coming clean. Today, it's not about the fun. Today it's no longer about the deep dark secrets taunting me and egging me on. Today, it's not about the itch and the jonesing that comes -- the consequence of taking that first taste. Today it is about choice plain and simple. I can be a lazy idiot slot J****E, or I can do the hard work. I can come clean. I can step up and admit that when it comes to slots I'm a weak t*t that needs help and support sometimes to say just say no.

As Duncs stated in his last post to me. Fookity f**k which almost had me rolling on the floor. I really needed that. 😀 Gambling my money on the random patterns of a slot machine is the biggest mind fookity f**k ever. I get mind f****d all week. I don't need to do it to myself and pay for it in cash on top of it!!

Hey E. I gotta thank you for listening. Today was a tough one. I think it's gonna be a good day today. -joanxxx

Hi Joan

Well done on coming clean today and have a great good day staying sane and in pocket

Suzanne xx

Joan

My dear friend great to see you gifting yourself a huge dose of therapy.

I often thought about my gambling life was like sitting on the front of a train heading toward a cliff,each day it would take me to the very edge then turn just before we went over,only the next day to see me strapping myself to that train again,almost living for the day it did take me over the edge,oblivion was the only final destination.

Why??

I am an addict,plain and simple.

Today I still get on that train,I will board it for life,I cannot change that,there is no cure,but and the huge but is today I ride that train not strapped to the front but in the buffet cart with wonderful folk like you.

In doing so I also don't throw Sarah and the kids in the furnace to fuel the ride.

Yes there are delays,days where leaves block the line,but those days bring patience,recovery gifts us that,the ability to look at the bigger picture,to make plans,not to shatter them by listening to the call of addiction.

So today we get to make a choice again

Either sit in the comfort we gift ourselves or strap yourself onto the front, all in the blind hope that 'chance' will change.

I know where I will be today

Just for today

You gifted my resolve

For that I am ever thankful

Duncs stepping forward never back

Thanks folks!!

Hi E.,

It's a murky day today but, the early morning rain really does make everything look that much cleaner and greener.

Gambling on slots is not about the money for us. At least not anymore. It's about time wasted. Precious time to do what needs to be done around the house. time we could be spending recharging our personal batteries. Like most folks who have to work in order to make ends meet we have pretty demanding jobs. Going back into the work week exhausted from gambling all weekend only makes us more tired and set up for the next stint.

When P and I find ourselves totally immersed in the slots we lose time.

Back in the day when P and I went to the casino we would play together. Side by side. That was a long time ago when we both thought that going to the casino was fun. Now, if we go we go our separate ways. I think that gambling has eroded our relationship in some ways.

Total immersion is a means to shut the world out -- But, that means even those most important to us. Our loves. Our friends. In a world where people can be gone in an instant can we really afford to forget each other for even one day?

When P and I find ourselves totally immersed in the slots we lose track of each other.

Over the last couple of months I have read about families in complete crisis on here. It's not about sides. It's about the searing pain of loss. The rage that comes with betrayal. The wounds that may never heal.

Do I need to gamble on the slots today? NO. I need time and space to recover from the week. I need to be with my partner and my family. I need to thank the stars for another day. Another opportunity to do the right thing.

Talk later E. -joanxxx

Well sounds like your having a good day despite the rain. Looks like the clouds are threatening over here but just ain't opening up. LOL gotta say It's been a cr** week over here and one i won't soon forget. I live in a duplex and if ya ever had off the walk people living next to ya ya know what i mean. LOL dam they differently made my life miserable for like the last week and pretty much just love to blast em full of that foam insulation cr** cause yeah they were the reason I was using it. LOL long story but turned out good in the end I guess. And yes after soaking, and scrubbing with finger nail polish remover for like 4 fricken hours these fingers are sore but clean. Lol Hell guess a lot of issues going on here right now and ones that would sent me off to that casino if my wallet wasnt laughing at me. LOL yeah really tight budget and to many things popping up all at once that's keeping me poor so yeah not looking to make em worse either. LOL So yeah guess frustration has got the best of me and guess It's all apart of life but just wish it was better one right now. LOL

Well guess i babbled on your thread enough and you and P keep staying away from that nasty. Guess I'm off to take out them frustrations on this place and get it clean. Hope ya have a great day.