Angel From Montgomery

Can't see how it is weak or stupid to have fears based on reality.

The control issue is something I have often looked at in my life right from first joining here and so many different factors. I remember discussing with Rach as my ex was very controlling which may have impacted on my wanting to take control of something in my life (gambling) which as you say is totally ironic.

Hey ho what weird creatures we all are, I mean in life not just on here.

Hope the weekend feels better for you as life is hard work fighting demons and that you get a reprieve and that P's foot is fine.

I am supposed to attend a works bbq tonight but feeling reclusive so we will see.

Found four amazing long white feathers where the swans nest yesterday, absolutely beautiful, they must be getting their new coats ready for winter.

Stay safe and waving more energetically today.

xxx

Hey girl and glad ya got through Thursday just fine with them urges. Guess ya got a chuckle out of me when ya said P is the good one. LOL cause yeah I'm sure ya ain't the bad one girl. LOL guess It's all in how we view ourselves anyway.

Vacation cut short for me due to a fire at the school I work at. Restricted to main gym but big mess just the same. Just gotta go in and open doors for this restoration company they hired to clean up the smoke damage so yeah not a hard night ahead of me and pretty sure out of boredom I'll be getting my hands dirty with them. LOL

Hoping all is well with your and P and keeping them urges at bay. No cold ones for me today but yeah tomorrow another story. LOL

Hope all good this weekend.

http://youtu.be/mtaBSm0mAhc

Thought P might find this amusing - sure is true in the UK.

xxx

Thanks Soul, and Dragonfly!! Dragonfly, it looks like the forum no longer allows us to send links to each other. I will have to put it in manually instead of just clicking so, will do that a little later. Thanks for sending it though!!

Hi E.,

P is more than likely going to require surgery on that b*m foot of hers. I tried carrying her to and from the car the other day and threw out my own back. I feel like an idiot because I am trying to be strong and wind up doubled over myself! Lol.

Got together with some friends and got to visit for awhile with my little nieces but, the joy was over shadowed by her manipulative, passive aggressive emotional vampire of a mom. The woman sucks the life out of everyone around her in order to spare her own ego. For example she felt kicked in the a** at work so made herself feel better by kicking the a***s of all of those closest to her. She is toxic. The ones who get the worst of it are her kids and that poor man she is married to.

So, I am feeling manipulated and mentally drained today but, the back is a little better and I am actually looking forward to going to work tomorrow. P is home for the week but, like I said is probably looking at surgery down the line and will need time off to heal.

I got through some tough urges to gamble over this weekend. And, yes, I am proud of that fact.

I guess that's it for me. Talk soon. -joanxxx

LOL girl were old ladies and can't be playing wonder woman. LOL Lol Lol a shoulder to lean on is one thing but carrying her will more than likely get ya both in the hospital. Hope she's doing ok and maybe check into some crutches for her.

Yeah quite the fire at that school and the main damage to the gym. Hell wandered through it by flashlight Saturday night and not a pretty sight. I guess the condemned sign outside of it tells ya It's pretty much a total loss. The smoke damage to the rest of the building was pretty heavy and they got any where from 70 to a 100 people there during the day cleaning up. Guess 24/7 cleaning ain't starting till Wednesday now. And yeah when i went in Saturday there was just me and a security guard that sat at the front entrance making sure no one entered. I was there basically to babysit the building cause the alarm system is down but yeah kept myself plenty busy and boredom never struck. LOL Hell just read on the news school ain't starting for September 2nd and a bigger mess than originally thought. So yeah don't really know all the details on that one yet and suppose to have some sort of news conference later this afternoon on all of that. Boy last week just seemed like a week from Hell at that school and I only worked 3 days of it. LOL

Well you stop trying to carry around P now cause don't think anything good will ever come out of that. LOL stay safe and keep P grounded ok.

Hey Soulie. I logged in because I was feeling a little down. Saw your post and got a good laugh thinking about me breaking my back trying to carry poor ol P. Ha ha ha..

E.,

I guess I'm doing ok. P and I were watching tv and learned about Robin William's suicide. Then of course that got me thinking about you. Oh well. Not gambling just rambling..

Good Morning E.,

Not everyday is a skippity doo dah day. Not every feeling is sunshine lollies and rainbows. Some days I wake up feeling like I could take on the entire planet. Other days I feel like twin sister to the world. Some days I just feel like staying in my bed.

I have been on this planet for 54 years now. What experience has taught me so far is:

some things have a tendency to go around in circles so if I wait long enough for whatever it is I am waiting on it will come around again.

Nothing, and no one, is worth dying over.

Opinions really are like a** holes.

Nobody on this earth, has the whole story.

A lot of people think they do.

Folks don't change all that much from the way they were back in the school yard.

Things do tend to get worse before getting better but, they always do get better.

Nothing is permanent.

Loss is inevitable.

Possibilities are infinite.

Love never dies.

Today, when I take a few steps back. When I don't stare too deeply into the mirror. When I don't take myself too seriously. I can see myself and all of my failings and still see somebody that I am happy to be.

I am not obsessed with gambling today, and that's a good feeling. -joanxxx

Hi Joan

Lovely strong post again that I can relate to

Well done for abstaining

Suzanne xx

Thanks Suzanne!

Evening E.,

Not much going on. Just hanging out waiting for the rain storms to arrive. Not much we can do about downed power lines and flooding except to pray that if the electrical does go out that the gas gennie works. No reason why it wouldn't. We've got gas so we should be good to go.

P. and I have been home all week so far. She with her b*m foot and me with my wrenched back. Ha ha ha.. We are a real pair for sure. No thoughts about gambling in spite of the fact that there is cash available.

We got an offer in the mail for a pre approved line of credit that I tore up. I hate that thoughts about credit lines are creeping back into my mind. Recovery from an addiction is an endless battle.

Folks talk a lot about honesty. I agree. Gratitude and honesty for me is pretty much everything. Slips are slips and not the end of the world but, selfishness, and lying to the people we claim to love is wrong and if left unchecked destroys trust and ruins relationships.

I guess that's me tonight. Battening down the hatches. Getting ready to ride out the storms ahead. Gambling urges held at bay for now. Looking forward to a good nights rest.

With P by my side I feel like I can take whatever this world has to dish out. -joanxxx

Morning E.,

It's as dark as night here. Long Island New York is flooded. I hope it doesn't get that bad here. We need the rain but, more than 3 inches at one time is too much.

Everybody is home safe and sound. Today, we will all just hunker down and watch it rain. I'm thinking another cup of joe is in order. I'm supposed to be watching calorie intake and my blood glucose level... whatever, there are worse things I could be doing.

On a good day towing the line doesn't seem all that difficult. On a not so good day all I want to do is hide in my bed and eat. Ha ha ha

So, what's a not so good day? I guess days when I get on my own case. Days when I look too hard at the woman in the mirror. I can be overly critical. I judge myself very harshly.

If I could learn to just be without the judgment I would have many more good days. If I could tell myself and believe it for once that I am good enough. I don't need to be afraid of not measuring up to some standard set by Hollywood, or some church, my family, or even me.

Sometimes, I set the bar way too high and when I come crashing down I wonder if I will ever get back up again. It's like that elusive straight A average or riding a perfect wave forever. It's just not possible.

Anyway, today, I am not obsessing about gambling. It's a great day to curl up with a book. -joanxxx

Hi E.,

P and I did gamble last night. We took 300 bucks that could have been used for other things and blew it and lost it on the slots. We then, plotted on the drive home to use another 300 bucks that was to go toward the water bill. It was at that point I said a silent prayer asking God to help us out.

I don't give a rats who believes in God or not. That's not the point. The point is; In that moment I did find clarity. My mind quieted long enough to sober up. Was that a miracle? Who knows? When P asked me what the plan was I told her that we would not be spending the water bill. We would be going home. And, that's what we did.

We did not return to the casino today and the water bill was paid. That is progress! It was good enough for me last night. And, it's good enough for me today.

I would love for every one of my letters to you Ed, to start with the words; Today I did not gamble. That's a wonderful dream. My goal however, is to make daily progress. Resisting and overcoming the urge to overspend was progress. Do I think that P and I could ever gamble in moderation? Of course not! That's not the point either. The point is; I am learning to accept my limitations without condemning myself to hell every time I make a mistake.

I am fully committed to not destroying myself or those I claim to love by gambling myself into bankruptcy. Gambling addiction is not a secret in our house. Getting out of denial about gambling was a huge step for us. Progress!

I wasn't going to post today, out of fear that my words might trigger others or sound irreverent. But, its a risk that I am willing to take. That's progress.

Maybe my new thread title should read; Letters to Ed-- Confessions of a recovering slot J****E making progress...

Bottom line: It's ok to have hope and a sense of humor even after a slip. I might be moving at a snails pace but, I am moving. I am moving in the right direction. -joanxxx

Good Morning E.,

Good Morning twisty old road! Time to do the walk of Life. Yeeeeeeeehah!! -joanxxxx

Awe girl I'm sorry to hear about last night. That s**t happens and guess I had a bit of a bout with disaster myself yesterday. LOL yeah nothing to serious and like you came to them senses before getting into deep so yaaaah for us. LOL know how your feeling girl and yes we will survive.

Yeah school gym caught fire due to improper disposal of cleaning rags when resealing the wooden floor. Yeah my area that I clean none the less and no I had no part in any of that. LOL they got a crew that does nothing but these gym floors and travels from school to school so that all fell on them. None the less that gym pretty much a total loss. Smoke damage was pretty extensive through a lot of the school and won't be starting with the rest of the area schools this year. Guess 2 weeks later is the goal but yeah they will be short a gym to be sure.

Hell guess as a result of that fire I'm back on 3rd shift and my vacation days I planned where more for 1st shift. So yeah thinking of canceling Thursday and Friday this week. Guess if I do might work Saturday too for some overtime and make up them casino losses. LOL

But yeah despite my fall that grill will be fired up to the tune of some baby back ribs a sizzling on it and a few cold ones to boot. LOL

Hope your day is good to you and P both

Morning E.,

"And after all the violence and double talk

There's just a song in all the trouble and the strife

You do the walk, yeah, you do the walk of life."

-Dire Straits

That about sums it up for me..lol! Talk soon. -joanxxxx

Hi Sis,

Ya know i went for a run for the first time in ages today...First time in my own country. I listened to that song (you know which one) and straight away i thought of you. It brought me to this internet cafe to log in and check on my friends. Painful to read the post from the weekend and as you know, if i could i would take the pain away. Falling is not nice, never was, but we do stand back up, as much as it would be easier to lay down and hide, we find the courage to come back fighting. That's the spirit girl...Just recently i fell very low in myself, not gambling, more important issues than that...but i'm back and fighting, chosing harder road ahead, but at least it's life. Never give up giving up dear friend, life is not perfect but with every sunrise we make that progress in ourselves, we share smiles, laughs and just maybe making somebody happy..Life is not a selfish act, i know we lose our way now and again, but we always come back to reality. Something more important than stinking places we try to hide. Be kind to you and stay strong, always by your side..plz believe in yourself cause i already do that from the very beggining.

Take care

S x