Angel From Montgomery

Hello Joan... from one slot J****E to another. Gambling in moderation.. ive never done it. Its all or nothing. Am back on the nothing... its the way it has to be. Its like when I put the pound coin in and it spits out 250 its shovelled back straight away because (of course!) another 250 is just around the corner. The anticipation of the next win is just too intoxicating. So nothing zero gambling it has to be. Like you say "recovery is an endless battle"

As you say also.... it is progress not to be in denial and to pay that water bill! 😉

Interesting what you say about how "folks don't change that much since school days"... tis true I think. Ive been a solitary, self-contained sort of soul for as long as I can remember. I don't particularly want to be that way anymore but it seems to be part of my character and make up. I need to spend time alone, just not too much. I became bored and restless and lonesome when I was away... away from my home and creature comforts and normal habits and routines. I thought f**k it... a little gamble won't do any harm... ya de ya...

Looking forward to your next post as always. Regards... S.A 🙂

Thanks Sis, and dear S.A

Hi E.,

And no worries, I have no intention of ever giving up hope on my becoming a better person. Where I may be lacking in some areas I have strengths in others. Just as we are all very much alike and yet all very different.

There is a reason we are all here on this planet and I am determined to find my way. Gambling for me is a distraction and a barrier to me becoming a healthy whole person and I am determined to figure it out and get passed it one way or another..

I just finished up the work week from hell and am grateful to be off for a few days. I just feel as if I had the life sucked out of me. I had every intention of posting on my diary last night but could not find the energy to type. Some folks are just unteachable. Anyway, why labor the point. Sometimes work just sucks!!

It appears that our trusty fridge might be s hi tt in the bed. We had to toss out some frozen foods and that made P. very uneasy. We have the money to replace the food and the Fridge if need be so I am not too worried. But, it's always something...

It's an adults life, that I find I want to run away from. Not always, but many times I just want to bury my head in the sand or run away. If I had any extra cash I would have probably run to the casino last night. So, what I learned was: Mental exhaustion is and will always be a key trigger for me. When I am mentally drained I feel puny and lack self confidence. The devil could have his or her way with me because I get to a point where I am completely shelled and honestly could care less.

BUT, we didn't go and guess what? We have the cash to replace the food that we had to dispose of. The fridge appears to still have some life left in her. And things do seem more manageable in the light of day. I am proud of myself for once again finding the inner strength to press the "pause " button. After a good nights sleep I am feeling recharged.

We don't have extra cash lately, but, I am able to hold onto the cash earmarked for bills and necessities. I am proud of myself for pausing before strapping the blinders on and falling head first into the hell pit. I am determined to mark these milestones because for me it's progress.

There is no finish line so this recovery thing is not a race to see who gets there first. We are all very much alike and all very different but, in my mind all worthy of finding health, peace of mind, and wholeness. So, on with it... -joanxxx

Morning E.,

P and I have a pretty chunky check coming in on Friday. Not, a huge amount but a lot at one time for us, so we made a plan: As soon as the money hits the account we will buy her birthday present which is a knitting class. We will then put all extra cash on a Target gift card so that we can use it for "stuff" as needed. Once cash is converted into gift cards it cannot be turned back into cash. Planning in advance, and contracting together to do something safe and constructive with our extra income is progress.

The fridge seems to be getting to temperature. We are still not sure how long she will hold out but she seems to be working for the moment. Disaster averted. Lol.

My work week starts on Tuesday next week. I am working on being in the moment though so, I will try not to obsess too much about the future. Who knows, this class might be much better than the last. I cannot imagine one worse. lol.

There's a drunk or stoned kid that walks down the middle of our street between 2AM and 3AM on the weekends. He screams threats and obscenities on the top of his lungs. No police around when you need them and I suspect all of us neighbors are afraid to make waves thinking maybe the kid belongs to one of us. There's a huge heroine problem in the city that I live in. It scares the s hi t out of me to think kids that young are being pulled into these dark pits so early on in life. What chances are they giving themselves starting out so messed up. I wonder what the hell is going on lately...

Life goes on doesn't it Ed.. yup.. ladda dada dee... ladda dada da.. and the beat goes on... and the beat goes on... -joanxxxxx

Hi Joan... how ya doin?

Work just sucks doesn't it?... yup! ;-)... and the devil plays with the mentally exhausted... for sure! ;-)... and gambling to avoid an adults life... yes indeed!.... and on it goes... ya de da de da!!

My fridge is also dying but I think it is waiting for all the other white goods to break before it finally goes to white goods heaven. They all go together and leave me in the s**t lol

I was eating cereal at 3.30 this morning and the old fella in the flat beneath me called up. he was in the back yard wondering around with his dog, feeling angry with the neighbour beneath him for making noise. The fact is she doesn't make any noise, its all in his head. He is unwell, the kid that walks down your street is unwell, sometimes I am unwell... in fact I am unwell at the mo...depression weighs heavy. But like you say... life does go on... we keep going and things tend to get better. What goes around comes around.

All the best with your next period of work. I hope it doesn't do your head in too much. I say much the same to myself. The beat goes on... S.A 🙂

Morning E.,

Very long week at work but, got it done. Off for the Labor Day weekend. The fridge finally sheeeit so, we have another one being delivered today.

We got paid yesterday and followed the plan and had extra money put onto gift cards that cannot be regifted to the casino.

An old girlfriend of yours is posting pics of herself and her new boyfriend on a beach somewhere in Southern California. It stung a little. I guess I was thinking that should have been you. I understand your pain like only another addict can. All I can do is miss you now and remember the way we used to be as children growing up together. You never failed me E. You were always my champion. Born in August. Our Leo the lion.

I have a ton of work to do around here before the guys come with the new fridge. I am grateful for this day. The only one that really counts. Another chance to do it all right this time. For whatever that means. -joanxxx

Hi Joan

Keep following your plan the gift cards are a great barrier to have

Sending you positive and strong vibes to abstain and maintain

Stay safe Suzanne xx

Joan

You keep getting back up every time addiction knocks you down my dear friend,for that be very proud.

Enjoy spending your hard earned,whatever it be on it is better than gifting it to casino's.

Glad the plan stood strong.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Sis,

Actually just wanted to say ((((J))))...not in a happy clappy sorts today lol...but just wanted to come by to thank for your ongoing support and understanding.

Here for you unconditionally.

Look after yourself and ...just be you 🙂

S x

Thanks for popping in folks. Much appreciated!

Hi E.,

Labor Day. It's hard to believe that Summer is almost at a close. A tornado touched down very close to home yesterday. We dodged a bullet --that's for sure.

The work week starts tomorrow. It's hard to stay in the moment. I always get anxious the day before work. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. It's times like these that I reach for the anesthesia. All I can do is push through the uncomfortable feelings. Things could be sooooooooooooooo much worse. My brain has been wired for pending disaster ever since childhood. I seem to feel more comfortable camping on the edge of chaos.

Not gambling. Not over eating. Just sitting here writing to you. Getting it all down on cyber paper. Hoping that in doing so, some of the edge will be taken off of it a bit. It's a beautiful day today. The storm seems to have washed everything clean.

I wish I knew how to just bask in the moment. Not a care in the world.... -joanxxxx

Hi Joan... The pressures of work get to me to. I tend to catastrophise things in my head but then in reality the working day tends not to be as bad as I had first thought. For me I don't feel comfortable being on the edge of chaos... its just the way it is... usually all of my own making and my self-destructive ways. I hope your working day was not to bad.

Taking each moment in ones stride is a learnt skill I think..... something am working on.."one moment at a time... regards... S.A 🙂

Thanks S.A, It was great hearing from you. I will repost in a little while.

Morning E.,

Another long work week. Again, I am grateful to be employed. The stresses of the average adult life still coming in waves. I am trying to focus on the breaks in between. It aint all bad. Lol.

I have been working on making better healthier choices. I am making progress. I have lost 18 pounds so far, and even though I have a long way to go I feel good about it. Like my doctor says, I could have had my stomach cut out. Changing one's mind, and breaking old habits is harder. I agree. Being a glutton is the problem. Not food. Food is good. Treats are better but, they are treats not staples. lol.

Same thing with gambling I guess. Cutting myself off cold turkey has not worked up to this point for me. Or, maybe it has but, being a work in progress sometimes feels like less of an accomplishment. When I quit smoking it was the same way. I just kept quitting until one day I finally let go. I remember the last time I smoked thinking to myself, Christ these things taste like s * i t. Ha ha ha...

Doing anything in excess can become a problem if that thing has become a means for: Running away from life. Running away from responsibility. Running away from pain. Running away from fear.

Sometimes, I wish I was an angel. I wish I was above all of this earthly pleasure and pain stuff. I aint. I'm am flesh and being human means a lifetime of learning. A lifetime of learning means failing from time to time.

There are some who might say I am just rationalizing my way around things. Maybe. I think I am being honest. I admit to my failings but, I no longer beat the hell out of myself for them. As long as I know in my heart that I am trying my best I can sleep at night. Maybe my ramblings might scare some folks because they are on their own rooftop looking for an excuse to take the plunge. That's not my problem or my fault.

So, did I gamble? Not so far. Will I gamble? I don't know. The point is; losing all of my money is a problem. Losing all of my money because of gambling on slots would be my choice. My own undoing. Me creating my own problem when life is hard enough sometimes and then looking for someone else to blame like the casino bosses.

The grown up thing to do would be to do everything in moderation. Mom likes to tell me that. ALOT. Sound advice but, when it comes to potato chips I cannot seem to stop at a handful. So, potato chips are completely off of the table for now. So I miss them? Not too much. I am 54 years old and have had a lifetimes supply of potato chips in a variety of shapes, sizes and flavors. I think I can let them go now. As Dr. Suess says: Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. Those days were good days.

When it comes to slots I cannot seem to stop at a couple of hundred. I have come to the conclusion that gambling must come off of the table. I understand that with my rational mind but, somehow must believe on a deeper level that it is still serving me in some way. The only way to let the slots go is to let the slots go. yup.

Is it simply a matter of avoiding the temptation in order to avoid the compulsion in order to avoid making the same mistakes over and over and over again? When I avoid one thing I manage to get myself sucked into another "thing". It's the gluttony for me I guess. The more, more, more. And what lies beneath this "deadly sin"? A lot of pain I suppose. A lot of unresolved grief. The icing on the top is fear. Excuses? Only if I resign myself to a life of addiction. But, I have committed myself to a life of recovery.

Today I will try to fight the good fight. I will try to make the best choices. I will try to be a good person whatever that means. I will try not to eat myself into diabetes. I will try not to gamble myself into debt. I will try not to let myself become a financial and or emotional burden to those I claim to love and then cry when they choose self preservation over me.

The sun is about to come up. I'm gonna pour myself another cup of joe and watch it come up. I worked hard this week and feel good about it.

"And feeling good is good enough for me. Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee.." Bless you Janice. Talk soon E. -joanxxx

Morning E.,

Our little bunny died this morning. She had been sick for a couple of weeks. If you happen to see a little bunny hopping about your legs please know that she is one of ours. She doesn't like to be handled much but, if it's at all possible please her know that she is safe now, and has "folks" wherever she is, and that I will miss her.

That's about all I have today. No gambling blahbity blah. -joanxxxxx

Hi E.,

I'm up before the chickens today. I have to type by flashlight. Still sad today but, a lot better off than yesterday. It's hard to watch someone you love die. Charlotte was a little mini lop bunny rabbit but, I loved her all the same. She had been languishing for the past week. She wasn't in pain. She was eating raw vegetables and fruit up until the day before she passed away. She didn't let out a scream. She just refused food, hopped into a corner of her cage, and within seconds, fell dead.

Maybe it's my own mortality that scares me. Or maybe I worry about what would happen if I lost P or she, me. I was thinking about the words that cowboy wrote: "freedom's just another word, for nuthin left to lose, and nuthin aint worth nuthin but, it's free." and I am strangely comforted...

Loss burns. Loss hurts. Hurt hurts. We all gamble every day. Maybe not with money but with lots of other things. Life can feel pretty random sometimes. God fearing folks say there is a plan for humanity. I simply don't know. I would never say never but, I just don't know.

I'm sad today but hopeful. Always happy to be alive. Gambling is a problem but, hopelessness is a catastrophe. As long as I have this day and hope, the possibilities seem endless.

Life is a wonder. Death is a b****. There are greater things to ponder than our personal problems. I am grateful for not having to survive a catastrophe this morning. I have the option of just sitting back and watching the sun rise.

Charlotte has died but, my love for her remains. Love is a sure bet. Take the chance it's worth it.

-joanxxxx

Sorry for your sadness and loss. Spent yesterday with an old friend whose granddaughter found a tiny stray bunny in her garden yesterday morning and they are now caring for it - who knows !.

Thanks for the hug, not doing too well emotionally but have the freedom to do as I choose, and hope, so thank you for reminding me, will get me through today.

xxx

Methinks Rach would like this one posted on my facebook page today by a friend

Richard Huard

When God created

Adam and Eve, He said:

I only have two gifts:

One is the art of peeing standing ...

And then Adam stepped forward and shouted:

ME!, ME!, ME!,

I would love it please ... Lord, please, please!

Look, it will make my life substantially easier.

Eve nodded, and said those things did not matter to her.

Then God gave Adam the gift and he began to shout for joy.

He ran through the garden of Eden and used it to wet all the trees and

bushes, ran down the beach making drawings with his pee in the sand ...

Well, he would not stop showing off.

God and Eve watched the man crazy with happiness and Eve asked God:

What is the other gift? '

God answered:

Eve,..... a brain ... and it is for you ...!

Share with those women who u want to give a smile ..... and open-minded men !!

Tee hee

xxx