Angel From Montgomery

Hey sister 🙂

No more words to express how we feel. Ya know sometimes being quiet is the best therapy. .sometimes you can just feel what the other wants to say.

Thanx for ur support as always.

...and gonna take a risk here and try to not upset men lol..but i think our Rach would love this one too 🙂

Heh...you take care sis..hav a good day girl xx

Wife: I found Aladin’s lamp today.

Husband: Wow, what did you ask for darling?

Wife: I asked him to increase your brain power by ten times.

Husband: Oh… love you so much.. Did he do that?

Wife: He laughed and said multiplication doesn’t work with zero.

S x

Morning E.,

Just had breakfast: 1 cup of joe with a smidge of 1/2 and 1/2, 1 egg scrambled on top of a pc of toasted multigrain bread. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I'm getting the hang of making healthier meal choices and it shows. The weight is coming off and I have more energy to do physical things like cutting the grass and for trapesing around the stores with P.

When it comes to the slots I still have the occasional slip and it continues to be a challenge because:

When we get started we never want to quit. It's too tempting to spend money we don't have and we feel miserable when we lose.

Getting started just makes it harder to stay away because even one stint alters the brain chemistry and stopping always brings about that feeling of flat lining. A lot like when I used to indulge in sweets. the sugar rush lasted about 15 minutes followed by a food coma that might last up to an entire day. Was the effing I got? Worth the effing I got? No.

The cons have always outweighed the pros.

Jonesing for a gamble for me is a lot like jonesing for a smoke back in the day when I still smoked. We get preoccupied, obsessed and agitated. An entire day is devoted to fighting the urge. The obsession. When I am in this frame of mind I am hell to be around. The best way to avoid that kind of itch is to stay as far away as long as you can because the intensity and duration of the urge tends to lessen in time.

Pay day weekends are the most precarious so, we have opted to put any and all of our extra money onto gift cards that cannot be re gifted to the casino. This has been working so far.

Keeping this diary has been helpful but, hurtful at times as well. It's hard to read about slips. Not because of the slips but, because of how much anguish and shame people feel over making mistakes.

I am more of an introvert in the third. I reluctantly started a facebook account and I think I have 10 friends. Lol. We come from a time don't we E. where we used to say one can count the number of their real friends on one hand? I still believe that. Writing on 20 diaries a day would be disingenuous from my perspective because I would be doing it more out of obligation than real caring. I guess that makes me sound like a bi tch ..ha ha ha. I'm not. I'm just introverted and find interacting with other people emotionally draining. I take too much in. When I form friendships they are real and lasting. I am loyal to a fault. Half of the 10 people on my facebook page are people I have known since highschool.

Sitting in front of a slot machine gave me a sense of solitude. I could be in my own little zone. But, I know that dog would not hunt. It became to expensive and too self indulgent to the point where I stopped wanting to share anything I won with my P.

So, gambling on slots is a selfish waste of time and money and I know it. Just like coming to the decision to change the way I eat I need to change the way I cope. I'm working on it.

Today, I have money in the bank that I have access to but, I will not use that money to gamble at a casino. I have access to online casinos but, I have no desire to go there. I can stay in bed all day today if I choose to but, I will put on some happy pants instead and get busy around here because I can. There is beer in the fridge but, I have no desire to sit and guzzle every last one. I might have a cold one after mowing the lawn. I am a different person than I was when I was 20 or 30. I have grown and continue to grow. I am hopeful that we will one day completely let go of gambling in the same way that I let go of drinking, smoking, and over indulging on sweets.

I have a propensity to be gluttonous. Change is slow but, possible. There will be setbacks along the way but, I have the will and the natural stubbornness to push forward with my chin up. If there was one thing I wish to say to every single person on this forum that would be: You deserve to be happy. Don't stop searching for that happiness. I believe that there is a separate path or truth for each and every one of us and sometimes the going can get lonely but, don't stray from your truth. Live your truth with your chin up. You will get there. -joanxxxx

Heh..love this post!!!! ..hmm 10 friends on Facebook? ? It's not fair! Lol..i ain't even got an account created lol.

Good on you girl..and now just go a page back cause our posts crossed..i left u a little joke there

B good and ...b YOU 🙂

(((((J)))))

Yo,

Sending that great big fat hug right back at ya !!!

Shiny xxxx

Thanks for the chuckle Sis, and thanks for BFH Shiny.

Morning E.,

I'm back! and it feels great to be alive. A brand new day. I am off of work until Friday. I cut the grass in our front yard yesterday so, not much on the agenda except maybe: rewrite a quiz for work, clean the bathroom, sweep the floors, make lunch for grandma, and start a new book.

I had a dream last night that I could float in mid air and folks around me thought I might be a witch. lol! Not too off the mark there. ha ha ha

There won't be any trouble with gambling on slots because I don't care at all for online gambling and I have no desire to drive and sit alone in a casino.

The trouble for us typically starts on payday weekends when we are looking for something to do. This Saturday we have plans to visit our little nieces. It has been a long time. Their mama has been having all sorts of troubles and she is really challenging to be around. She sucks the life out of those closest to her. We decided that it wasn't fair to the little girls because in avoiding her we inadvertently avoided them too. Visiting with the kids was always a recharge and it kept us off of the streets as well.

Looking for better ways to cope with our jobs is something both P and I have to work on. Social services type jobs really take a toll on ones mind and soul. The people we support are marginal and have no resources to pay for services. They are dependent on the state and the state pays poverty level wages. We work for next to nothing and usually have enough to keep us busy for two or three people. So, if you look at my hourly pay you might think that's a nice chunk of change. I say look again. I work twice the hours I am being paid for so divide that hourly in half. That's what I am earning. It's the same for P.

Oh well, I always remind myself that I am a lucky little peasant for having a job so, I should be grateful and push on.

When I gamble and lose gambling is a demon from hell that must be destroyed. I start a diary and count days. The days add up and I think, why not give it another whack. When I gamble and win, I don't want to stop. I think that every spin is a winner. I wind up spending the winnings and more from my own pocket until I lose it all. When I gamble and lose gambling is a demon from hell that must be destroyed....

And, so it goes. It sucks being poor. It sucks being isolated. It sucks being lonely. It sucks being afraid all of the time. It sucks feeling mentally unwell. It sucks going through divorce. It sucks living with loss... and the list goes on. Gambling on the slots for me was like reaching into the medicine cabinet and taking a miracle drug. The only problem is it only works while I'm taking it and it comes with a black box warning: This s**t is habit forming. Use sparingly!

I wound up like so many others, addicted to gambling on slot machines. Slot machines are not evil. And, I am not evil for admitting that I enjoyed playing on them. I get addicted to the endomorphins stimulated and released within my own brain whenever I encounter a win or the promise of a win. When my pleasure center is stimulated and releases a flood of endorphins everything looks and feels differently. My reality is altered. I become temporarily numb. That feeling of: I am in pain but I don't care.

I cannot stay in that place. I have to figure out a way to live with my pain whatever the cause without continuous endo morphine. Coming down is a nightmare. I go through mental withdrawal. Agitation and depression which makes me want to reach out to the very thing that set it all off.

Addiction is hell. And nobody knows it like another addict. I love that song Breathe because the lyricist knows addiction as only another addict could.

Healing begins with me forgiving myself. With me showing myself the same care and attention that I do those I serve at my job. If there was one thing I wish to share with every single addict on this forum today it would be: Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a warm hug and a cup of tea or joe. Let the tears come out. Sit with yourself and just breathe. -joanxxxx

Thank you for writing your last entry, all there stuck in my head and expressed so clearly.

Thank you for being you.

xxx

Morning E.,

I feel like change is in the air. Not just because autumn is almost upon us. It's something inside of me that's changing.

I look out of my window now with a degree of excitement. Where I used to see an endless sea of weeds and overgrowth I see possibilities. I have been working out in the yard every day this week and have made incredible headway on the grass and flower beds.

Both of my hands ache from overuse. Over the years I have developed trigger fingers in both hands probably from arthritis but, I don't mind so much. It could be much, much, worse. Physical work is invigorating. So different from the mind f*** that I experience most days at the corporate office.

Most people I know there are surviving the best way they can. I just have so little energy for small talk. A lot like S.A was talking about in his post. The obligatory salutations. Nobody really wanting to know how anybody is really feeling.

Serving these marginalized populations as I have stated in previous posts is grueling mind f*****g work not because of those we serve but oftentimes because of the organization itself. Capitalizing on welfare dollars must be some kind of a sin I would think.... The place where I work is incredibly top heavy with Veeps and top administrators. For what??? They line their own pockets with the funding that is supposed to go to programs for the folks we support and give me grief for the paper and ink I use for trainings.

Anyway, I don't have to go back there until Friday so today is all mine to do for me and my own. No forced conversations in the hallway. No fake smiles to hide the real feelings inside. No awkward silences that some feel the need to fill with gossip and smmmmmmallllll talk.

Silence at home is golden. The way it should be. The way it was meant to be. An opportunity to think straight and recharge. To pray if I want to.

I have no desire to gamble today. I must confess however that I almost checked into an online site yesterday! w*f?? I have them all blocked and it has been so long that I don't even remember passwords but, I was really amazed at how tricky my addicted brain can be. I was sitting at the computer and up popped an old site. P was sitting right there and I said I bet there's a freebie on there. I actually considered trying to sign on!! I despise online gambling, haven't done it in over a year and yet within seconds I was drawn to it.

Well, I never did open the site and today feel much stronger as a result but, the lesson on complacency was not wasted on this ex- slot jukie. If there was anything I would wish to share with every single recovering addict on this site it would be: Stay humble. Allow new information to seep in. There is always something new to learn. Knowledge IS power. Today my choices when it comes to gambling are more informed choices. When we know better we do better. -joanxxxx

Know just what you mean about work. I have been on leave for a week and have been trying hard to switch off, Sneaked a look to see how many e mails on my work phone and already over 250 so can imagine what I will go back to after another 2 weeks.

You mention trigger finger and I have had carpel tunnel surgery but still get trigger finger. Have cortizone injections in my palm which hurt like f**ck but work like magic for at least a year. I avoid medication if I can but in this case well worth it.

Brilliant you avoided on line stuff, have not gone there myself as just know that would be the end of everything.

Thanks for help yesterday as did need to open up but struggling to find the right words, don't know why I find it so hard to write these days.

Also planning my garden and looking at flood friendly plants in case we get flooded out again this year.

Well done on the weight stuff too as I am also self medicating with chocolate which is playing havoc with my weight and just like the gambling also feel much better when under control.

Enjoy the rest of your break and speak soon.

xxx

Thanks Dragonfly!! I have had those cortisone shots in my heel for a heel spur and I completely agree. They do hurt like f***! I suspect poor P will be needing one as well. We are heading out to an ortho apt for her this morning for what looks to be an anterior ankle impingement more than likely due to bone spurs.. Anyway, I am always here and listening good friend Dragonfly.

Morning E.,

Not in the greatest of spirits this morning but, trying to pull out of the funk. I have happened upon the sea of sadness I suppose. I sail these waters every so often. A place I need to visit from time to time and pay my proper respects but, never a place to drop anchor. nope.

I am experiencing the usual rumblings and ruminations. Obsessive thoughts of maybe just 200 dollars. That couldn't hurt. Jeezus.. when does it end? Does it ever end? I guess I made a habit out of reaching for the medicine cabinet every time I feel something.

That's what a habit is I suppose. A mindless act. I know what I have to do. I have to take control of my actions. I don't need to gamble today. I want to and that thought scares me. I want to.

When I act on the compulsion to gamble it is because I want to. I don't want to sit with the feelings or practice mindfulness. I want to mindlessly wander into a pit. Then, when I lose I get all uppity and defensive about the gambling establishment. I am the one who chooses to do it.

Do I want to hurt myself? No. That's not how my mind works. I don't go into it thinking of self harm. I actually have a twisted notion that it could help me. That it just might make me feel better. And, on some level I still hold onto this twisted belief. Changing one's mind is not as easy as it sounds.

So, I have a twisted belief that has become ritualized or habit. What else is new? Well, I don't need to join a church or spend hours bashing the establishment. There will always be all kinds of things to temp my flesh. That is part of the fun of living. It comes down to me controlling my own actions. My own behaviors and owning the consequences of those actions.

Simple? In theory. I'm smart and tricky. I can fool myself pretty easily. So, today I pray for peace of mind. If there is anything that I would wish to share with every single recovering addict on this site it would be: reach out to your higher power today whoever or whatever that might be and pray for serenity. Peace. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." -joanxxxx

Hi Sis,

I soo understand where your mindset is at the minute. Just very quickly please let me to remind you... - it will hurt, please fight more than ever and come out the other end...just for today.

I'm not gonna /////// how you can do it...i know you will...you will just go the seaside at the peak of the urges and you will raise a smile over to your cyber friends and a little wave will be returned, even if u won't see it you might just feel it. 🙂

Now just b f****n good!!!! ( sorry but I'm not having you suffering in a clutch of this nasty disease. .no bloody way!)

((((((J))))))) keep sailing sis xx

Thinking of your sea of sadness and the difference each day brings on my river, the roar of rage in the floods, the trickle of tranquility when the waters are calm and hardly move, the whirlpools of doom when the wind swirls the water on stormy days. All pass me by and all impact on my life but I survive, a bit like the sea glass, weathered and worn but my colour remains intact and a new shape emerges from the old, just as unique.

The riverbank is turning to autumn colours, my favourite I think, and the charity Thames walk is on this weekend so a steady stream of folk to watch walk by on the opposite bank. A lazy day.

Some day we will find more balance in our lives Joan, the friendships on here helping to tip those scales.

Thank you for just being you.

xxx

Morning E.,

Sunday morning always looks and feels better when I wasn't out gambling on slots the night before!

We spent most of the afternoon and early evening with the little ladies. They are getting so big but still as sweet as ever. We built things with Leggos, played Disco Barbie, and made Princess Shrinkie d***s. lol.

It's quiet here this morning. I am as usual up with the chickens. Everyone else including the animals are still sleeping. I cant believe how crisp the outside air is this morning. The first breaths of winter??

Fall in New England is always beautiful. You never got to see it E., and that is so sad to me because you would have loved it here. You would have loved P too.

She has got a b*m foot this year, so no trapesing around at the fairs this time around but, maybe a long drive along the Mohawk Valley or a trip to Walden Pond is in order?

Every year at Halloween time we carve pumpkins and every year we leave their shells in the yard for rabbits and as compost. This year there is a wild pumpkin plant growing! I weeded the entire area and have been nursing it along hoping that in a month's time we will have a wild pumpkin for Halloween.

I know it sounds silly but, the other magical part of all of this is that this tiny wild plant is growing right where we buried our little guinea pig friend who's name just happened to be Punk'in. lol! My friend Dragon Fly mentioned the circle of life in her post, and I'm thinking, isn't it all a wonder?!

I still miss you like crazy Ed. I know that mom does too. She will be turning 80 this fall and she's getting a little slower these days and sometimes I worry about her spirits.

In the back of my mind are rumblings about Tuesday and a training for all Deaf leaners. The class is done is ASL and I always get nervous prior to presenting these. One of my biggest fears is being judged by others. Always in the back of my mind that little voice asking: what will they think of me? Will they think I am good enough?

I have to chuckle because there was a diarist or two back in the day who used to complain how some of us rambled on in our diaries about what appeared to be anything but gambling. I chuckle because for me frame of mind is 99% of what keeps me away from the slots. My little road is riddled with mangled triangles, broken promises, and other good intentions. I guess I am like Houdini and can get through any blocks I put in my path. For me it has always been about facing the demons head on. Making the tough choices in moment of truth and falling down a lot.

It must be at least ten thousand or more days and nights for me so far. But, I hope to be around for ten thousand more. There are days when I have to count the hours to get through and other days like today when I want to hold onto time with both hands. I must sound silly to some. Talk soon E. -joanxxxx

Hi Sis,

Ten thousand days and nights sounds good 🙂 lovely to see you around and keeping your foot down on some believes we tend to get confused at. Not making sense here lol..hey, at least i know wot I'm on about 😀

Stay safe, happy, smiling and amazing as you always are!!!

(((((J))))) xx

Hey Sis. I think it has been closer to 19000 and some odd days that I have graced this lovely planet. Lol.

Morning E.,

And, they haven't been all perfect days. In my time so far I have gotten into all kinds of things. Maybe its best to not judge these "things" as either good or bad. I have learned from failings and continue to learn something new every day.

Balance for me includes not becoming so all consumed by the recovery process itself. The folks like Duncs who have managed to incorporate recovery principles and practices into their moment to moment day to day lives are my kind of heroes.

Anyway, what's on tap for us today? Probably yard work. The weather has been very cool and the grass is growing like crazy. I look forward to it in a way because since I have been dropping weight I have noticed my energy levels shooting up. The kind of work I do is more mentally challenging. The days are long but, I feel more mentally and emotionally drained after trainings.

Physical work helps me to let go of some of that mental stress that bottles up.

Gambling on slots? Well, yeah, I think about it a lot. I still want to do it. I have blocks in place and for whatever the reason P and I have never crossed the line where we would gamble away mortgage money or money set aside for bills but, I would never be as arrogant to say never. I believe that gambling is a progressive compulsion/disease/addiction whatever the hell you want to call it. When I read other threads about folks who managed to gamble their homes away I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. That could be us I suppose... and if we lost our home or each other I honestly don't know what I would be capable of doing next...

So, I continue to fight the urges and plan outings and activities that do not involve gambling on slot machines. Tomorrow is P's birthday so we will all be going out to dinner. Two years ago we would have spent that money set aside for fine dining and drinks on slots. No questions asked. We are getting better but, the changes have been slow. Slow and steady I guess with a wrinkle in between every so often. But, such is life.

Well, to each his or her very own on this fine Friday morning! As for me and my P no gambling is on the agenda. We have nothing to gain from it because we rarely win and when we do we NEVER stop and we have too much to lose. So, with nothing to gain and everything to lose I must say No, No, No. -joanxxxxx