Angel From Montgomery

Hi Joan, thank you so much for your post on my diary, you are so gifted with the written word my friend. I find myself having the words in my head, but when it comes to putting them down on 'paper', they just dont sound right when I read them back.

Anyways, so glad that things are working out well with your mum moving in, gives you peace of mind knowing theyre ok when theyre under your roof, and Im sure the dogs will soon be spoilt rotten by her 🙂

Have a wonderful weekend my friend,

Cameron

..when I was just a litle girl... I asked my Mother what should I be........lol..having a sing song there Joan...

One day at a time ...you know the one...

Thinking your Mum will hav a doggy wake up call this weekend...they will be sleeping on her feet before you know it...

They always say in families that even if one person gets into recovery it has a ripple and knock on effect over the rest of the family...you started the healiing journey my friend...

Give yourself a big pat on the back ....

hugs

R and D xxx

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVuEC3r7a-o&sns=em

A gift for you Joan...from over the pond...hope you can access this....

Doris Day..singing Ce Sera Sera xx

R and D xx

Hi Joan

Thanks for the post it's so appreciated , I just love the way u av took advantage of this site makin the full use of it , the key for me is supporting others has this will help u so much in ur own recovery

It makes me so happy to see u av stuck with ur diary and are now benefiting from it and starting to change ur life around , give urself some real praise as so many diaries start and fade away after a few posts

Ur life is only goin to get better and better and that's all down to u makin the right decisions in life

Again well done

Castle2

Thanks all for checking in and posting on my diary. I've told you this before I know, but, it's important. You all mean a great deal to me. Thanks, really, from the bottom of my heart! 🙂

G'morning Diary,

I was up with the chickens this morning. I just could not stay asleep. Had a cup of coffee and then managed to doze off again for an hour or so. We are supposed to picnic at the lake today, but, it looks like it might rain. You never know though. In Massachusetts they call it "wait a minute weather". If you don't like it -- wait a minute and it will change. Something like that. lol. Well, my friends on the gc forum were right. Mom and the dogs have become fast friends. Now, whenever I sit down to write, I have three of them over there staring at me. lol... Today, life is peaceful on my little planet. No drama to report. No gambling urges, thank the stars. I suppose it is b/c I have been so busy. For whatever reason -- they have left me alone for the time being and I am grateful. I am here and I am calm. To anyone reading my diary -- have a great day. Stay strong. If you happen to be suffering with urges today, they WILL pass. Life is not only possible without gambling it is sooooooo much sweeter -- one day at a time. -joan

Hey Joan...

Just having a siesta with Toto on my feet and really happy to see the family including 4 legged....bonding...

Hun...I love writing to you... your fanastic..and it works both ways on here too as I also feel huge gratitude when you and the other good folks write to me on here as I know some days are really tough especially in early recovery ....

Hope the rain has stopped for you...love that weather quote...I lived in OZ (the real one...lol) for a while and

they used to say Melburne weather was "4 seasons in one day"...

I dont know much about the region you live in Joan but I went to stay with a friend I met travelling once who lived in Albany in a duplex...really nice place....and I love "Cheers" set in Boston right??

keep posting Joan...

Theres no place like home......xx : )

R and D xxx

Hi Joan,

Thank u 4 ur support and kind words on my diary. It really means alot 🙂

I have just read thru ur latest posts catching up , and it made me smile how positive u sound.. U r doing brilliant, u should be sooo proud of urself 🙂

Stay strong and have a gr8 wknd xxxx

Good Morning Joan

Great to see you are in a calm place and that life is starting to tick along nicely 😉

I pictured the pooches staring up at you with love for you and waiting for you to finsh typing so they get the attention they want!

Glad the urges have subsided too and that you are keeping busy for them to stay away

Hope you got to the lake and had a fab time!

Thanks for your support Joan it really helps 😉

Kepp Strong

Lucy xxxxx

Thank-you all for your posts!

G'morning Diary,

Not feeling so great today. Family stuff. Logistically speaking, it made a tremendous amount of sense to move mom into our home. We were travelling a lot between her place and ours and it was wearing us out both physically and financially - price of gas and all.. Emotionally, it made sense b/c she is my mother. BUT..I am beginning to question how rational a decision this really was.. Too late now. lol. Along with her hats and shoes, and night gown she brings this other baggage along with her. 🙁 It is my own fault for allowing myself to get sucked into the drama but, I'm exhausted. She is terrible when it comes to direct communication. I find myself having to read her little faces and moods to figure out her need du jour. Sometimes the need itself is questionable. Is she really that incompetent or, is she feigning incompetence for attention? This kind of stuff just wears me out. When I drop my guard the urges come calling b/c I want to escape. For example, all I asked her to do was call my brothers on the phone to let them know she was here and what her new address and telephone number was. This would provide an excuse to call them, and then perhaps get things rolling from there.. nope.. she sits and waits, or worse asks me in an indirect way which I hate to send an email to my brothers b/c all of a sudden the dialing of a telephone has become for her the mystery of the sphinx. She gets me to do it and this way, if something goes wrong with the communication it would be my fault. She does not have to take the risk, or make the decision and therefore no consequences to face. She stays nice and safe. She always manages to look all tidy and clean while I look like road kill. Thank God my partner is a clinician b/c she sees this stuff and oftentimes helps me to sort it out. Today, I am affraid my partner in crime is getting tired too. She needs me to be strong. When we are both weak around urges big trouble!! Addiction and poor coping runs rampant within my family. We needed family counselling 30 years ago after my dad died. Never happened. There is no fixing this mess overnight. Everyone in my immediate family has thier own perspective of the past. We do not communicate regularly so, whenever there is a change it just brings all of this cr** up. I knew the drama would start once mom got here. I did not go into this completely blind. I knew that it would challenge my sobriety in terms of both alcohol and gambling. So, here goes: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I am pleading with myself to not push the envelope b/c if I do, this time I fear my partner will go along with me and we will both wind up at the c -word doing you know what. To anyone reading my diary -- I could really use some support today. I am feeling very weak and very sorry for myself.. That's all for now. -joan

Hi Diary:

So, I had my rant and feel better. I am resolved not to scratch the itch. I am resolved not to torture my partner. I will get through this.. It is just an urge and it will pass. I will not go back to the misery that g-wording brings. That's just it. The g-word is just a liar. It promises to bring me fun and distraction but, all I end up with is an empty pocket and empty spirit. I am climbing out of the black hole I started out in today and making a choice to NOT GAMBLE!! -joan

Hey Joan

Im not sure if im the best person to come on here straight off on your post..but am taking that risk with the knowledge that you know I am speaking with good intent.

I think your mum living with you seemed rational to you and a way to tick a lot of boxes and im guessing now you feel a mixture of guilt, possibly anger and a bit of regret coupled with low defences.

It must feel like what you have taken on almost seems counter to your recovery now as you are being urged to go easy on yourself and be gentle at a time when you are going to need all your resolve to deal with the things that wind you up.

Im sure you have already looked into alternatives of where your mum could live and it seems you and your partner are shouldering the brunt of responsibility for your Mum..

The only advice I cn give to you is boundaries...protect yourself from the things you know hurt you.Indirect communication is the way to hurt me as its so covert and i feel set up and manipulated ...so i totally get how that can drive you nuts ...even making excuses about a persons age etc doesnt stop them pressing our buttons.

Its good you have an understanding partner so at least you speak the same language.

Just by your Mum being with you she is going to get quality care so thats why I have no guilt in saying it HAS to sill be you first Joan and your recovery..and your primary relationship....

Yes..this will be testing for your recovery hun... I almost volunteered to co care for my pals mother last week and have her come live with me !! ..i know you have a big heart.

So..boundaries with your mum and family and you and your recovery first Joan...you deserve it.

Am sure some other good folk will be along too to help today x x

hugs

R and D xxx

Thanks (((((((Rach)))))))!!

Dear Diary:

Yes, 3 posts today. I am certainly making good use of this diary today, and I am grateful that it is available for me to do so. Thanks GC! I am also grateful for Rach's post b/c I needed to be reminded that my recovery and primary relationship is first. I think what I needed was a safe place to rant and I did that and I feel better. I was worried that I would use my anger and frustration as an excuse to gamble today. It is early afternoon here and the sun is shining. I think my partner and I will take a ride over to the lake with a cup of joe and relax for awhile. To anyone reading my diary... have a great day and stay strong! -joan

Hi Joan,

Been reading the diary. It must be really difficult. Rach is right. Don't forget about your needs.

Thanks for posting on my diary and the kind words. Yes I am a live wire except when down in the dumps after my slip. I am just trying to read as much as poss now and try to forget it.

Glad to see you staying strong, hope you have had some ME time today.

Best wishes, A>N.

Hi Joan,

Just read ur post, it must be really tough 4 u atm. Remember u matter 2 and u r important. Well done for posting ur thoughts on ur diary, I am glad it helped. Also well done 4 staying strong that takes alot of strength. U r doing brillaint.

Hope u had a gr8 day 🙂

Stay strong xxxx

Morning ,

How your life sounds like mine . Lol

If we traded places think we would be shocked how similar our brains work

You like me have a great sense of duty , this can come out as being a compusive care giver or sorter outer .

Underneath I remember the resentment. which would fuel my addiction .

It is do difficult to put ourselves and our needs first .

I think in time if we work at it , I think we find both balance and acceptance .

You as main care giver of your mum , me with my dad .

Today you should be proud on sooooooo many fronts , I hope you can take a step back and see them .

If not let me know , cause me and the rest of gang on here can , this morning my honey I am sending you the biggest bunch of virtual flowers , all yellow and white , and lovely . You know why , cause you deserve them for just being the big hearted , unselfish person you are .

Shiny xxxxxxxxxx