Angel From Montgomery

Diary:

Just like jotting down a few random thoughts. I am trying to stay positive. Trying to stay focused. Trying not to get too ahead of myself. I get so anxious before presenting a training. I guess in a way that must mean that I care about doing a good job. That's a good thing but, not if I get so distracted by it that I lose perspective. Alot of people on here talk about balance. That's it really. Trying to maintain some kind of balance. Some kind of serenity. Some kind of inner personal separate peace. s**t happens and continues to happen. That's life. Choosing calm. That's focus. That's strength. -joanxxx

Breathe in and out Sis...balance is important, just a bummer to get there at a times...keep pushing, keep winning and stay calm

Rome wasn't build in a day, but i clearly see how strong platform you already layed on that ground

Hugs
Sandra x

Hi Joan,

Just wanna say that ur recent posts have made me cry, it is a cruel world. I just wanted to send u a hug and let u know that ur precious little girl is in my thoughts. So young and innocent, I also hope she gets the best treatment available. Stay strong xx

Thanks so much Sis and Charlotte. How lovely to hear from you darlin!

Diary:

Training was cancelled this week due to lack of enrollment. Probably a good thing. It was a kick in the pocket book but, nothing that will bury us. Had we been gambling it would be a whole different story. -joanxxxx

Diary:

Rounding week 12.

Feeling low today. The odd urge here and there. No intention of acting upon it. I'm a little aggrevated with work right now. My neice's mother works at the same organization and it's hard for me to watch how unsympathetic they are. So inhumane toward people who often put thier own lives on hold to manage the crisises surrounding the lives of other people's children.. They expect undying loyalty from the employee and give nothing back. Job security?? What's that? I do as I'm told. Tow the line. Very rarely pushing back for fear they put me out to pasture. This week I pushed back. I took a stand. We shall see what happens next. Regardless, I will survive. That's me today. -joanxxxx

Hi Joan and well done on your gambling free time.

To be honest i think its the same in most organisations. I listen to the permanent staff at my place... where there is a daily updated list "for all to see" of those who are absent (for whatever reason). Its like name and shame. I also hear that staff are informed of how much they have cost the organisation in there back to work interview. Money, money money... thats the world we live in.

Like you say... see what happens... you will survive.

Take care... S.A

Hi Joan,

Not popped in for a while, but want to say very well done on the 12 weeks mark.

Take care and stay safe.

Suzanne xx

Hi Sis,

Hope you're feeling more calmer and at peace with yourself.
Holding that rope across the pond, tighter than ever

Look after yourself

S x

Thank you!!

Diary: Day 87

Day 90 of my 90 day challenge is nearing. For me it's like a lamp post or tree that I train my eyes on when on a long walk going up hill. I set my sights on a single point. Once I reach that destination I set my eyes on a new point. I am not by nature a counter of days. I did it this time because I know from experience that the more time I put in between me and my last binge that the urges become less intense. Urges come but not like the kind that come after a fresh stint. The only way to avoid pain like that is to not allow myself to start. The biggest bul lshi t story that I tell myself is that I will set a limit and stick to it. That is plain and utter bu l l s h i t. I am off of work for a couple of weeks and am so grateful for that. I need this time to wrap my mind around recent changes. I am looking forward to Easter. I am not a super Catholic or anything like that. I just love the idea of Spring and new beginnings. Fresh starts. I am looking forward to the greeness and the blossoms. It has been a very long and cruel winter. Anyway, that's me today. Hopeful. -joanxxxx

Hi Joan

also reach my 90 days this week. As with you I don't count the days usually as feels like counting the days of my life away so just keep a general idea of where I am at. Also have the week off work which I have been really looking forward to and need to plan my escape from their clutches as the work gets less rewarding and more beurocratic b******t by the day.

Think I am coping better with withdrawl this time as have been filling my time with people which has been 'different' as I can be quite reclusive on my boat. Have made some lovely memories with family and friends, I collected extended family together in my garden to celebrate my sister's birthday and was such a lovely day with the children fishing for tiddlers in the river and everyone eating cake, my son is slowly recovering and brought a beautiful fat free cake he had made and decorated, the sun shone and my new medication allowed me to enjoy the day without pain and exhaustion.

I still carry the demons on my shoulder wherever I travel but manage to throw salt in their eyes at the services which was my last downfall last year and instead treat myself to some silly thing instead, a scarf or a drink and leave singing at the money I have saved and a feeling of relief replacing the well remembered feeling of despair in the pit of my stomach.

I think you are doing brilliantly with all you have had to contend with recently and the flowers are on their way through the ground struggling to the surface just as we have been ready to blossom with their beautiful colours and smells.

Alogside you Joan and also full of hope. xxx

So happy to have you along side good friend dragon fly!!

Diary: Day 90

Only, 90 more to go and then 90 more after that... days and more days as far as the eye can see. God willing.. I needed this time to get my head out of my own a*s. It is clear to me today, that not EVER starting is the way to stay stoppped. There is no taste. There is no harmless twenty. There is no fun waiting for me in those places. Only desparation. Folks punching machines because they expected.... expected...expected... Grown men and women glued to a chair maniacly staring into a machine expecting... It's a chemical mind fruck. A complete waste of time right, Robbie? Duncs? 90 days.. like the song goes... a cold and broken halleluja. Onwards.. -joanxxxx

Hey Judy and well done on your 90 days clean!

Like you say.. the machines are a complete waste of time, money and mental energy.

Onwards... S.A 🙂

Well done you on 90 days of hard work.

There is no pleasure at all in a simple 20 because we know we won't stop,at 20 or even 100,

Keep going Joan, whatever hits us gambling is not the answer.

Take care and keep strong and keep winning.

Suzanne xx

Thanks, everyone!!!

Diary:

Not sure what my feelings are these days. They seem layered as usual. Never just one thing. Always layered. I'm like a dark gray thunderhead with little sparkles here and there. Maybe a unicorn peeking out. Then a sunburst and back to the eclipse. A brief shower followed by another burst of sunlight. And, so it goes... I remember being around Maddie's age and learning how to ice skate. All these years later I am still trying to find that balance. "I wish I had a river, that I could skate away on..."

Meanwhile, back at the hospital, the little girl's mother is driving eveyone around her nuts. I can relate to her on many levels. It took me a long time to make peace with the monster that tried to steal my innocence. She is still very angry. But, that word angry does not really cut it. There is no word for that kind of seething rage. Getting close to her means to knowingly stick your hand to a flame or to willingly place your head into a hungry lion's mouth. After awhile people learn to stay away. Then, she wonders why? Why doesnt anyone see me? Why doesnt anyone comfort me? She reminds herself that this is why she despises people... She's like a flame freezing in the sunshine. My feelings may be all over the place but, she has forgotten how to feel. I'm just babbling today. On the gambling front? Ha ha ha... Just like all the rest of the "things" I "use" ... I'm stronger I guess. I think about the casino today, and shrug. Not obsessing about it from Thursday night until Monday morning is a huge accomplishment I suppose. Time to go for that walk.. -joanxxx

Not babbling Joan, all ,makes perfect sense to me. I was also that angry person who growled once too often and the friends and family I lost are just creeping back testing the ground to see if their emotions will be safe around me. Some days they will be but others I have to hide in my own space or skate away down that river.

We are doing this Joan, we are balancing that see saw and one day we will be standing together in the middle.

xxx