Diary:
My, my, my.... I'm an addict boo hoo hoo.... how's that for a c**t? whatever... I am never for the forum administrators having to swoop in to sort out a bunch of adults. I would not go as far as to congratulate someone for having a melt down either. Especially, when it becomes the same old same old. I too speak from experience. In addiction I go round and round. When I read my own diary it plays like a broken record in places. Scream and yell all you want fellow diarists but, I for one have learned that the only creatures on this planet deserving of my unconditional love are children and animals. The rest of us have to earn trust, and respect. Sometimes I miss the old AA rooms. I have earned my right to cut to the chase because I am a card carrying member of Addicts Inc. From my little folding chair in this cyber church basement I now scream into the ether; GET OFF THE CROSS MARY WE NEED THE WOOD!!!!!! -joanxxxxx
Heyyyyyyy Sis!!!
What's that all about!? Lol...me not asking questions, just quietly touching the base and saying that all of ya over the pond are still in my thoughts and prayers.
Keep being kind to you and look after yourself.
Ps. Hope warmer weather been visiting ya more often recently. Let the sun shine..let it in ur heart 🙂
Sandra x
Thanks Sis,
Nothing dark or mysterious intended about my last post.... Just my thoughts about censorship, adulthood, and tough love. The words "get off the cross" mean the same thing as s hi t or get off the pot. I have spent years of my life hanging over the pity pot and have taken a great lesson from those who have offered me tough love. I remember those folks from that AA room with the most fondness. One last cliche, catch phrase, prayer (it's all in how you look at it) from AA and I am off for the day. "Nothing changes if nothing changes". -joanxxxx
Good Morning Diary:
I must be nearing week 15. The last time I hit that mark I fell down. I had an epiphany of sorts in the shower this morning... This has happened before. Something about me, the bathtub and epiphanies. Anyway, I thought to myself what is the likelihood that there exists outside of me some evil dark outside forces trying to pull me down. Conspiring to deliberately cause me to fall? That's when I realized that's what happened last time. No! Not a conspiracy. Lol! The reality is light and darkness exist together. So does positive and negative energy. Last time I did ( thanks Duncs) feed into the negativity and I got sucked in and sucked down. What's the significance of 15 weeks? My vulnerability! I'm on the fence. Tiptoeing around in the gRden of good and evil at the witching hour. Knowing that it is within me the power to choose I am once again in this moment restored to sanity. Thank you diaries. Thank you bathtub. Thank you vulnerability. Thank you joan! -joanxxxx
Just to say thank you Joan 🙂 ...and keep balancing my dear Sis, nice and steady, keep looking ahead.
I'm just very proud of you and holding that rope tightly while marching with you in this journey
(((((((J))))))))
S x
We is both on tippy toes as also crashed and burned at this stage last time.
xxx
Lol Dragonfly! Tiny Tim!! Almost forgot about him!!
Diary: Feeling a little safer today. Never completely out of the woods, and never will be I suppose but, learning how to steer clear of certain hungry wolves, and strange old hags bearing shiny apples and tales about shortcuts... Life is strange for sure. Everyday is something. Maybe not what we imagined that something to be at all. Maybe it's better not to judge that something as good or bad. Maybe better to accept it and move on. Keep going and accepting what Life provides until time runs out. Trusting others? Not so much. Trusting Life because Life is wise. Maybe so. I cannot hold onto time. I can hold onto my sense of wonder. My sense of humor. I cannot stop change. But, I can stay curious about what might be coming up around the bend. And, when the announcer says " Citizen Maddie, c'mon down! You are the next contestant on The Prize is Right... Instead of getting to choose between curtain number one, or the box that Carol Merrill is standing in front of.... The announcer says, "let's see what's behind the curtain for you.... Is it an all expenses paid trip to Disney?? Is it a new house?? A pet monkey?? Why, No. It's a case of acute lymphocytic leukemia!!" I can suddenly see, my choices, what I have control over becoming so much clearer to me.... Get drunk? Gamble? Eat until I explode? Or, be the best auntie I can possibly be? -joanxxxx
Morning Diary:
I read a couple of inspiring posts this morning. Thanks Duncs and Volcano. P and I managed to navigate through the weekend without blowing all of our cash at a casino. It has been 90 days plus I guess.. Anyway, we did go to a flee market and picked up a bunch of stuff for our upcoming camping trip. Made a trek over to the department store and picked up a bunch of stuff for the house and then on to food shopping for the week. Today, there is money in the bank but, more importantly I think, is self respect is starting to pile up in the spiritual bank. Brick and mortar life and spirit life. The flesh and the spirit. I have learned that it was not intended to be a tug of war between the two. I tend to do most of my learning kinetically. While doing. I have learned through experience so far that the state of mind I need to be in in order to grow or move forward is calmness. I used to think I had to be happy all of the time. In the AA rooms this state of calmness was refered to serenity. I didnt quite get that at the time. What I know now, at almost 55 is it is absolutely impossible for me to be happy all of the time. When the wind shifts directions dark clouds roll in and the seas get rough I need serenity. I need calm. My body cannot physically weave through the driving rain but, I am learning that my mind, my spirit, can. Calm seas or rough seas come what may... I need calmness to survive just like daily bread. -joanxxxx
Morning Diary: (Morning world...),
Week 15
Always mixed feelings and thoughts about a personal diary on a public forum but, what the he l l here goes.. what I know now is, as soon as another person reads something that I write down it becomes thiers. Something else entirely. I can no longer take credit for it. So, if what I write makes you smile or inspires you? It's on you. If what I write upsets you or triggers you? It's on you. My words are my thoughts. This morning like most mornings my thoughts are all over the place. That's why I write. It helps to clear my mind. Today, I am grappling with a thought about gambling. I am not powerless over my own thoughts. The thought will pass as soon as I am ready to stop feeding it attention. Thoughts evaporate in the absence of attention. My mood is not dark but it's not skippity doo dah either. I woke up this way. Probably P****d off that I cannot gamble. Booo hoooo hooo.... My friends father would say, "you have the same pants to get glad in." Ha ha and that's true. If I want to be in better spirits I need to find something to get glad about. Here's something: If I had been out at the casino feeding twenties into a slot all night I would be fighting more than just thoughts this morning. The only way to stop is to STOP STARTING. Once started it is sooooo much harder to say no. Addiction f uc ks with our brain chemistry. It's harder to fight dopamine withdrawal. When an addict is in it it's always the same thing: Eff, G.A. and all of the twelve steps, Eff, all of the happy clappy people of the world, Eff you and the horse you rode in on. Poor me. My life is sh it and nobody understands how bad it is... blah blah blabbity blah.. I don't want to be that person. I just don't.... There now. My dog is lying at my feet waiting for a cuddle. I know that when I do that I will feel better. After that, there is a book on the table waiting for me to get into it. If I don't start gambling today I wont have to worry about stopping or staying stopped. And, my tomorrow come what may will be less complicated as a result. -joanxxxx
Judy,
It made me smile & inspired me.
Thank you for sharing
Thanks day@atime
Good Morning Diary:
Grappled with an urge or two last night. The only way to stay stopped is to not start at all. In July it will be three years on this forum for me. The highest hurdle has been rounding the weekends. Thursday to Sunday. We managed up to that point to curb our habit to weekends only. We cut up our credit cards and have no access to cash advances. We spent only what we earned. We tried and failed repeatedly to stay out of the casino on weekends. We would go without for a time and then succumb to a thought that blossomed into an urge that lead to the wrong action. Once in action we would stay there until we had no expendable cash. We would be strapped to a strict budget. At around the New Year we decided to challenge ourselves to 90 days away from the casino. We said that after 90 days we would reevaluate. What we learned was how difficult it is to break habit once habit sets in. It is easier to combat an urge than it is to fight full on addiction. We know as sure as 1+1=2 that once we start we will not stop. Four weeks ago my 7 year old neice was diagnosed with leukemia. Yesterday we found out that she was in remission. She is not out of the woods yet and may never be but, she is fighting and she is winning. Have there been moments when I wanted to gamble? Ironically, yesterday upon hearing the best news was when the thoughts about gambling on slots came rolling through like thunderheads. Im not sure what that was all about. I think I have lived with addict brain my whole life. Not knowing how to navigate the highs and lows that come with everyday living. I spend less time trying to figure it out and more time now just breathing and thinking to myself... "well, that's something. Now, what's next?" Every new day brings something. Maybe not what I think I want or need or desire. Life is my higher power. I submit to the wisdom of all knowing Life. There is a limit to what I can see. To what I can know until I can know it. There are no failures. Only lessons. As long as I am learning I have no regrets. Every step I have ever taken has led me to where I am today and every day my soul is getting closer to home. -joanxxxxx
Good Morning Diary,
Still staying stopped by not starting. It's a beautiful day today. I'm alive. There are things to be done. There are some things that I will worry about. But, worry solves nothing. There are some things I will be able to fix and others that I won't. One thing is for certain, and that is as long as I am alive, there will always be "something". There is a silver lining. That's the choice to be made. Find the lightness of things and follow that flow, or find the darkness of things and follow it. Both exist side by side. Two hungry wolves. The one that lives is the one that I choose to feed. -joanxxxx
Joan
Those last two posts have gifted my resolve in a way I cannot express in words, we have walked side by side for your entire presence here, some tough times have been endured and some pleasant times savoured.
Life is truly fragile at times and cruel at best, but and for me that but is the reason we stand and fight
At times life deals us a good hand, our own effort is rewarded, not financially but in ways that addiction never permitted.
For those moments I live for, today my dear friend you have given one of those.
I am humbled and inspired.
Thanks for sharing, that pond that divides us feels like a stream today, one of which you have reached over to touch my heart.
To boot that big fella looking down raised a huge smile, looking out for his little sister.
Take care of the most important things in your life.
Gambling aint one of them
It's a waste of time!
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Thanks Duncs!
Morning Diary,
I don't know the exact number of days at this point. We reached and passed the 90 day marker the first week of April and that is all I know about that. Urges come and go. I am still vulnerable and always will be I suppose to the same kind of toxic thinking that drives urges to gamble, over eat, over drink, and rage. In the final analysis it is I who have the ultimate control over how I will act or behave in any given situation.
The serenity to accept the things I cannot change:
The infinite and all knowing mind of Life.
Other people.
The courage to change the things I can:
Bad habits.
Self destructive behavior.
My own mind.
The prize:
Being able to recognize the difference between the two. Learning how to tame time and space and move silently like a ghost between the driving raindrops. Mind over matter. We are not powerless. On the contrary. -joanxxxx
Morning Diary: Some random thoughts and some inventory:
Two hungry wolves fighting for thier survival. The one that lives is the one I feed. Do I feed my addiction or do I feed my recovery? That is the question I face every single day of my life. I have learned that for me, obsessive thoughts cannot be ignored but, they can be starved. If I starve them of my attention they will pass. If I feed into them with colorful fantastical images they will grow stronger. Where do my thoughts about gambling come from in the first place and does it really matter at this point?? I think I have more than covered the "why poor me" at this point. It was what it was: Can I change the past? Nope. It is what it is: Can I always control every outcome of every new moment every time as it happens? Nope. How I live with whatever LIFE gifts me is within my complete control. That's my job. To cope with and to learn from whatever LIFE gifts me today. Standing before a fork in the road. One sign says "addiction" the other says "recovery". The path I choose to walk down is completely under my control. I know from experience that addiction is hell. Pure and simple. Reliving the same mistakes over and over and over and over and over expecting something to change or be different... Is hell. When I am in hell, I cannot make sense out of simple equations like 1+1 =2. So, when folks offer sound advice to me about recovery models thier well intended advice falls on deaf ears. Addicts in hell are not rational creatures. The rational has been switched to "off" or "sleep" mode. Facts about gambling addiction cannot be received. When I am in addiction I find that only some kind of shock will bring me out of it. Usually bankruptsy. P and I gambled until we racked up over 30,000.00 of cash credit debt at over 30% interest. Who in thier right minds would agree to such an outlandish proposition? I rest my f u ck ing case!! Today, my choice is to stay out of hell. -joanxxxx
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