Thanks DF and Sandra for sticking it out with me on good days and not so good days...
And, yes, we are still snowbound. Today, another 7 inches has been forcasted to fall overnight. Just in time for tomorrow's commute into work. Me? I have the day off so luckily we have someone home to worry about the shoveling etc. P on the other hand will have to battle the snow and ice on her way to the Cape. It could be a lot worse so I try not to moan too much. I have been battling urges off and on. Not the killer urges that one gets when only minutes, hours, or days after a stint. These are the kind that creep up in the deepest recesses of my mind when worry about money starts to taper off. They start out benign. Almost like a commercial for toilet paper or butter. Pretty pictures, soft voices, and then wham! Full blown images of... let's say, flying monkeys having their way with the entire universe and all courtesy of a slot machine. I have to laugh because the announcer is me. The little b*****d trying to get me to do something I will regret is me. Earlier on after coming down from a stint I think it's the establishment trying to kill me by stealing my livelyhood or future. Gambling brain likes to blame others. What I have learned is the compulsion to DO is oftentimes triggered by a thought. Thoughts are like clouds. On thier own they are neither good or bad. They are just thoughts. Thoughts are not capable of doing good or bad. I am. When my mind is in a relaxed or calmed state it is easier for me to just watch the thoughts roll by. Like lying in a field of soft green grass just watching the ever changing shapes that clouds form. Getting and keeping my mind in a calm and relaxed state is work. Outside and inside influences can impact my state of mind if I let them. Fear, pain, sorrow, lonliness, bordom, exhaustion, over stimulated are places I cannot anchor myself in too long or my switch trips to the default setting of "GET NUMB VIA the FASTEST ROUTE POSSIBLE". Blocks can work in the early stages for me but, are not and will never be a permanent fix in and of themselves. Nor, will changing my default setting. I am beginning to think that I came from the factory this way. I can hit the pause button before I react. Just stop for 10 seconds or so. Count 1 mississippi 2 mississippi 3 mississippi.... every situation does not require a fight or flight response. I need to just stop for a few seconds. Long enough to remind myself that I am in control of my actions and that thoughts are just thoughts. Just had another thought. Lol. Thoughts can be painful regardless if I allow myself to perseverate on them. Obessive thinking can lead to compulsive behavior. You cannot catch and pin down a cloud Maria!! Let them roll on by.. -joanxxxxx
Hiya... I relate to most folk on here but sometimes you relate to someone just a little bit more than to others.
I just been cogutating (a made word I think lol ) and ruminating on your recent thoughts. Its like when you say "its been a while and ive got a bit of spare money"... yup thats me, ive fallen into the quick sand many a time with that type of thinking. I guess thats when barriers help, ie putting any spare money out of easy reach. For me it might something as easy as transfering excess into my online savings (of which there is none at the moment ;-()... so i can't just withdraw it out of the hole in the wall on impulse.
... and then the the slight euphoria of having got through the urges. Over the years, most of the time when ive had mega full on urges ive then gambled with all the usual s**t that follows, but on those rare times when ive not.. ive felt real good the following day. I had this recently when i had to go to the city centre to sort some buisness and instead of gambling afterwards i self-excluded. Strangley I felt sad and quite depressed for the rest of the day, cos my gambling head wanted to gamble... but the following day I felt almost happy.. almost! 😉
..and as for low grade despression... thats me!... I like to call it functional depression. I still go work, go shops, eat and brush my teeth but I tend to do all these everyday things but within a veneer of miserableness, even when I maybe smiling. Thats not to say that I will always be this way, but that has been my past and its just the way its been. Gambling of course and as you say has been like a "pick me up" ... lift the mood... a brief moment of euphoria in an other wise dull existence.
In my periods of gamble free time I start to realise that I can live without these euphoric moments and enjoy the peace and serenity that real life can bring. I feel like am sttarting to enter such a stage here and now but then maybe its the euphoria of having been on a good long run this morning. Who knows, time will tell.
Anyway, this piece of star dust is signing off but not before saying a big well done on your gamble free time.
Warm regards.. S.A 🙂
oooo... youve just posted more thoughts. My thoughts were a response tyo your previous thoughts. My autism meant that i had to tell you that ;-). I like your new thoughts too.. much to ponder as always
Warning! These are all just random thoughts that I am having about gambling. I apologize in advance to anybody, who might read and get triggered but, I am only responsible for me on the this diary and I am writing down these thoughts for me.
A thought sometimes conjours up a feeling that leads to an emotionally charged response. I tend to default at this point to NUMB OUT before, I can react.
Outside stimuli comes in and I skip over feelings (stuff) and an emotionally charged response is triggered usually followed by obsessive judgemental thoughts that lead to guilt and shame which leads to NUMB OUT
Gambling on slots for me created an artificial high or NUMB OUT by activating internal endomorphins. If I wanted to stay I had to pay. Paper money at that point became no object. I did what I had to do to stay in.
When I have experienced deep viceral physical pain (kidney stones) I was given an opiate drug. The nurse said I would still feel the pain but, I would no longer care....
For me, gambling on slots is like taking an opiate drug.
Opiate drugs are habit forming.
Experience:
You love you lose.
To love is to trust.
To trust you lose.
To trust is to take risks.
To take risks you lose.
Losing is bad.
How did I get from the fear of taking calculated risks with my heart and soul to losing all of my hard earned money on the computer generated random images of a slot machine??
Experience taught me that I can never control the actions of other people and therefore people are not to be trusted.
The slot machine was created to trick my brain into thinking that I can control the outcome. I won therefore I WILL win again. This is faulty thinking at best. The outcome is pure chance. I may never win again AND, when I do it IT is for the high not the money and can only last as long as my money; So, why do I place my trust in a slot machine????????????
This all reminds me of the Joni Mitchell song: Both Sides Now. I have been fooled by illusions and by some people. I have been the fool and have felt the pain of what I might have understood as loss. Life is filled with illusions and changes. Changes are inevitable. Change is not loss. We lose but we also gain. I have come to trust P with my heart and soul. There are days when I am paralyzed with the fear of losing her. Dr. Suess says, "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." I have to learn all over again how to trust this life. How to trust changes. How to trust myself and how to fully love again.
Oh Joan, smiling and crying at the same time ( it is possible) I love that song and we do so often lose and gain. Spoke for an hour and a half with my friend from art school who is now living in Ireland, he was over the moon I had contacted him. 'How to trust myself and how to fully love again'.
Today I have no urges to gamble, just to live life to the full.
xxx
Hi Sis,
Hope all is well over the pond. Have to chuckle to myself here cause every time we talk we are like wild cats getting all the S***e of our system put lol..it helps for me, what about ya? 🙂
Just touching the base dear soldier..I've been dating mr Gamble for a while, but defo decided to dump the cheating Basta*d!
Stay safe and sound...and keep that ice melting...it will get better!
Sis S xxx
Diary: Week 9 !!
Yahoo!!
Diary:
As the momentum gathers: I am reminded to not ever allow myself to become too complacent.
I am reminded of a time when I had 15 weeks of sobriety and wham!! I fell to a thought that developed into a full blown obsession.
I am reminded that for every diarist on this forum there is a way to use this forum. I no longer take what I read too much to heart. I have made some friends on here and for that I will be eternally grateful. Peope are at different places in thier self discovery and it isnt my job to manage thier moral inventory. That said, I am sure that from time to time some of my posts may have been hurtful to others and as much as I would like to believe that my intentions at that time were good, I imagine that at that time, on some level I meant to lash out at others.
Hence, I am reminded that when I know better I do better. I suppose that must be true for others as well.
Every new day comes with new challenges. I am learning to accept that nothing is ever lost really, things change. Changes are inevitable. My life is different without my brother Ed in it but, he is never lost to me. His spirit is everywhere and I can call on him whenever I need to and know that he is there. Love doenst get lost it just changes shapes. What was once tangible is now spirit. I can handle that.
So, that's me today. I suppose there are alot of things that I could do in excess to help me cope with challenges old and new. Or, I can say to myself, well, that's something and that's better than nothing at all. -joanxxxxx
Good to read your new positivity,Joan,,and over 9'weeks of starving the addiction,,
Take care and stay safe, as you say we can't live for today because of what happened yesterday, today is down to us, and if we have a good day today, we know we will have a better day tomorrow.
Suzanne xxx
Week 10 and nearing 11 already...
It has been easy ignoring the gambling urges. Unfortunately, the distraction is not uplifting or welcomed. It just is. My 7 year old neice has just been diagnosed with pediatric lymphocytic leukemia. This bright, school loving, hyper excitable, fidgity, jump up and down what comes next I can hardly wait little girl's life has changed in what seems like the blink of an eye. I could go on and on. Thank you Dragonfly for being there to listen to my late night and early morning ramblings... Right now, I am out of words. I just want to ask anyone out there who is listening to please, please say a prayer or wish upon a shooting star for my precious little friend's speedy recovery from this S****y disease. Make an extra wish for her mama who is at this time quite stunned, inconsolable at times and strong when she needs to be. Nobody wants to be her right now. I guess that's it for me today. As S.A. says, thanks for listening. -joanxxxx
Thoughts are with ya, same as prayers...keep strong Sis
..holding that hand across the pond
S x
No shooting stars here @ the moment so a silent prayer goes out to your precious little friend & her mama with an extra bolt on for you!
Keep fighting - ODAAT
Just to let you know that I'm still silently praying and you and your little angel are close in my thoughts.
Be kind to yourself Sis,I'm here if you need me
Sandra x
Hi Joan... My thoughts are with that little girl... a precious bundle of joy to all am sure.
Puts ones own issues into perspective.
Warm regards... S.A
Joan
Life can be truly cruel at times, unfair and injust.
I hope she recieves the very best medical attention.
My thoughts are with you.
Duncs stepping forward never back.
Thank you, friends!! xxx Duncs, my little neice is at one of the best children's hospitals in the country. She is very fortunate to have developed a form of the disease that is considered not only treatable but, even beatable. She has a long journey in front of her and some of it is going to get dark and twisty. There may be a few disappointments and set backs but, I have decided to remain positive and hopeful. There is absolutely no room for gambling now. To me, it would be as vulgar as lighting up a cigar or spitting on the floor in her hospital room. This not the time or the place and I need my hard earned right now. Triangle in tact.
Diary:
Week 11
Had a few urges yesterday but navigated through them successfully. Feeling stronger today as a result. Addiction makes me weak and I need to be strong not only for myself these days but for the people I love. Took a few minutes of us time yesterday. What a great feeling it was to give P some money to go on a little shopping spree. We took eachother to lunch and had icecream for dessert. With money left over I bought her a gift card to her favorite coffee shop. She can treat herself all week now. If we had been gambling none of this would have happened. Recovery, the gift that just keeps giving! 😀 -joanxxx
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