Angel From Montgomery

hey Joan...

Just to say im thinking about you...you're in the right place and gambling aside,there are folk on here who can also identify with some of the other challenges you face on the homefront...

You have a lot of friends looking out for you hun and rightly so as you're a lovely person....

hugs ..and thank you for posting hun xx

R and D xx

Thank-you all. ((((((Rach, Charlotte, A>N, and Shiny...)))))))) Shiny, the flowers were sooo lovely.. brought a tear to my eyes.. 😀

G'morning Diary:

Things are much better around here b/c I am much better. I think I really needed an attitude adjustment. I received a lot of support and great advice from my cyber friends here at GC. It really is easy for me to overdo the caregiver role. Then it's poor me.. "pour me another cocktail", or maybe I deserve a trip to the c-word. It is all part and parcel of my storyline. Act out of obligation, or feel guilty and shameful. Then enters the resentment and self-pity. For me that is what usually leads to self destructive behaviors like drinking or g-wording. I say self destructive b/c for me, this would, as we all know only end in disaster. And, so it goes... The good news is that I am figuring it out. I am making the connections. Life is a journey right? It's about making mistakes and learning from them. Making changes when we can, and moving forward instead of running in circles making the same mistakes over and over again. It's about putting a stop to the insanity as they say. I could'nt do this without my cyber friends from GC. The support whether it is direct or indirect is what gives me the strength I need to hold on. I am very very grateful and take none of them, or this site for granted. To anyone reading my diary -- stay close to yours. Read and post often. There is soo much good medicine and support on these pages. Have a great day today, and stay strong. We do this one day at a time. -joanxx

Hi Joan,

Thanks so much for popping by and leaving your words of wisdom, always appreciated.

I think you are so kind and caring and it was a selfless act to adjust your family situation considerably! It seems like you have had some tough moments trying to please everyone but don't worry too much you will get there eventually. I can relate to the communication issues you mentioned as well. Actually I am often on the other side as people find me incredibly frustrating as I don't communicate in a clear logical manner. Sometimes it is too tough, the words wont come out, even though I have them in my head.

You are indeed correct about the journey we are on and it is only natural that when things are tough we look to escape, to hide away from the pressure. Everyone does it, unfortunately people with addictive personalities tend to do it in more destructive ways than others.

You should be proud that you have identified this connection and doubly proud to have resisted.

One more step along the road

Paulds

hi joan

thanks for the kind words

stand tall cos you doing a great job

gamble frees the way forward

carl

Hey Joan...

just checking in hun....

sending a high five over the pond xx

R and D xxx

Hi Joan,

Just popping in 2 say I hope u r ok and staying strong 🙂

Have a gr8 day xx

HI Joan,

Hope is calm over the pond. Sending some postive thoughts your way.

Blondie xx

Thanks to all for checking in. ((((( Rach, Charlotte, and Blondie))))))

Evening Diary,

I pretty much feel like cr**. Having a terrible time keeping my head out of my you know where. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm doing my best fighting off the urges. Coming very dangerously close to s******g up. I have a lot of feelings and emotions right now. I want to write about them but, just feel so stuck. Maybe I will try again tomorrow morning.. To anyone reading my diary.. sorry-- nothing really positive or inspiring to say today, but, I wish you all well, and just for today -- say no, I will not gamble. -joan

hey Joan....

No need to apologise about having feelings Joan.....having a positive is good but feeling feelings is also a big part of recovery..(just in my opinion.)

The way I see it and where I maybe totally wrong is any addcition or compulsion is a way to block out feeling and I include my own vices there and getting them out arrests the cycle.

Just to share ...I was so stressed yesterday I felt I "needed" a drink...I didnt need that drink,..I needed a good old cry and to sleep so thats what did and any thoughts of a drink dissappeared.

As you know Joan I use my own diary to get all the gunk out .. I was feeling sorry for myself yesterday so I took myself off to bed early and now I feel fine.

I know deep down what I have to do and I wont get stuck feeling down as im too busy !! but yesterday was bit of a "why me you @%*^er "..boo hoo

Im the kind of person that if anyone tries to snap me out of feelings I get worse and more angry as its like I don't matter and I feel invalidated..so I just feel it and usually spew it out on here..I sometimes enjoy reading the emotional posts more as I think...yes..this person is getting to the bottom of whats really going on and hoefully they will peel another layer off the onion

so they can be their true selves.

As they say in AA ..."This too will pass" Joan and those feelings and emotions wont consume you if you get them out pressure cooker style bit by bit...

Your a strong lady and I know you will come through... For me Joan ...anger masks sadness and went I get mad I know that I need to cry..the crying gets me unstuck and sadness and grief are the two emotions I am terrifed of so it has to come out bit by bit..

Not sure if that makes sense Joan ..

Unconditional ...always

R and D xxx

Thanks for your unconditional support Rach... Not sure if I deserve it.

G'morning Diary:

I slipped. I f***** up. I knew it was going to happen.. Not a huge slip but, I did it and I cannot undo it. I'm disappointed in myself. Will have to take myself off of Flagg's 90 day challenge. I could not do it and now I feel like a fraud. To anyone reading my diary.. I'm sorry. You, stay strong. joanx

Joan sweetheart, there is no need to apologise, your not a fraud, you came back to your diary and you was honest, your battling a very difficult addiction how can you be a fraud ?

Please dont be to hard on yourself, your human, we get it wrong sometimes thats why we are all here, trying our very best to beat this. Lots of people never beat this first attempt, its like a boxing match you take the punchs but sometimes it knocks you down.

Keep fighting, round 1 might be over but there are lots more to go, you just have to work on your technique and find what will work for you.

I find when im at my most emotional or stressed thats when the urges come i have hidden so long behind gambling its my natural default option to hide, I just have to unlearn that destructive behavouir and deal with how im feeling a bit better.

Keep going joan,be kind to yourself. re-group , re-think and come back stronger. Today is another day.

Big hugs (((( )))))

blondie xxx

You DO deserve it..in fact more than ever today ((((Joan)))...

As i've read recently ...a lapse not a relapse....go very easy today hun..be kind and gentle and please dont beat youself up.....back on your track...you can do it.

I believe in you Joan...

Im sure the good folk will be along on here who can also lift you today and know you are in the right place.....

Hugs and bigger (((hugs )))

Unconditional ....you deserve it for just being you.

R and D xxx

Thank-you, for your kind words Blondie and Rach, xxx.

G'morning Diary: I guess it is day 1 for me again. Happy Ground Hog Day miss joan. Today, and for the past week or so, I have been consumed with an unspeakable rage. I say unspeakable b/c I could not and still cannot even find the words to describe how I was/am feeling. In a moment of weakness I dropped my basket and now, all I can be is humiliated and speechless. I am in an indescribable place. I am safe -- not gonna jump off of the rooftop or anything like that. All I can say are the words; childhood trauma and PTSD. I am not completely attached to the feelings and so, I cannot find the words to describe them. I hate that this thing haunts me but, I have come to understand it and live with it. I understand how my addictions to food, alcohol, and gambling play a role. I've got to get a grip. I'm not gonna give up. I'm gonna put one foot in front of the other today and live my life one minute at a time if that's what it takes. That's all I can do for now. -joan

Joan.

Today just for today my dear friend,for every minute you make the choice to say No Bet you will distance yourself from your past, you can't change that,but you for sure can change the future. So on the road you had a puncture, there are many ruts and ribble strewn across the path to recovery, but you dusted yourself down,you got back on the bike and for that be kind to youself, you are doing an amazing thing, well done you.

Just for today I put some stabilizers on the bike to help you steady the road.

Joan it is unconditional and the door revolves.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Joan

I do understand what you mean about sadness and have used the same words myself as you..

Its like a taboo subject sometimes in our culture as we are so busy trying not to feel.

Be kind to youself today Joan and create yourself some space...even if its just a place in the house thats yours as you must feel quite invaded.

Not sure if you remember me writing a few weeks ago about going to live with my pals for a week...

All my stuff got "reactivated" and I couldnt stay and wanted to escape..I had a bottle of red by the bed,kept topping up and just isolated as with this recovery I am more vulnerable but more healthy if that makes sense.

Two words just popped in my head there..."letter writing"...may be a bit eaarly today Joan as batton down the hatches...but maybe when you feel a bit stronger..write a letter to who ever you have issues with dead or alive..not even to send...just to get out your feelings..

This was something I was advised to do but may not be right for everyone ..

Big Massive hugs

Batton down the hatches,,keep safe...watching out for you hun ..wrap little Joan up in a balnket today and hand her over to her Higher Power to look after xx

Rachel and Dotty from over the pond....xxx