Read over my last post and in between the lines found the anger resentment and bitterness that I am letting get in my way. Drinking that hemlock expecting my enemies to die. Meanwhile their lives go on. Are they stressing or losing sleep over my resentment? Nope! Imagining a fire pit with a raging fire. I am tossing into the burn barrel all of my anger, my resentment and bitterness. Burn my little darlings. Burn.
There now. My once heavy heart begins to lift and rises over the hot smoke and ashes..
Where does the time go? For me, the first 1000 slips were about the losses and the rage at the greedy casino bosses. I then lapsed into a coma brought on by the millions of rationalizations for why I should continue to gamble on slots. For a long time I allowed the powers of selective memory to trick me into thinking that I was still having fun. I deserved my fun. DENIAL. Tens of thousands of dollars in debt to a handful of banks beaten broke and broken I finally accept that I am now an addict. A slot J****E. Years of counting days paying back debts, and battling urges, I realized in my delerium like a lost soul in a desert I had managed to walk in a circle. I asked myself and continue to ask myself why I would willingly hand what is left of my life over to addiction? Why? Why did Ed do it? I had to accept that at my core I believed my life was worthless.To this day I grapple with ghosts and voices from out of my past that try to convince me I am nothing. An event in the present can sometimes trigger bad memories or thoughts. The theme from MASH playing in the background... Get the picture???? Maybe not. Feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness are a beech to get past sometimes. A bully or narcissist happens by and I fall face first into a pit. When a person already feels like they are in hell the threat of going to hell pretty much loses its teeth. Still, I am hopeful. Beliefs can change shapes or be tossed out altogether. I know I'm not worthless. It's just that I can still get knocked off balance so easily. A coworker dismissed me the other day and I fell all the way down the rabbit hole. But, I didn't gamble about it. That's something anyway. Moral of the story: give that poor soul a cool drink of water...
Time is our next challenge Joan, i think first though we just need to worry about our 3d before we get ahead of ourselves. Something i'm doing wrong all the 'time'..
You do manage to cram all o your thoughts into one little box and i guess thats what our mind is after all. Ghosts are ghosts for a reason, memorys just drifting like clouds. I read once that people die twice, once in the flesh and then when the last memory goes from ones close.. Resonated with me, so nice to have memorys but need to bury the ghost. Simples, i wish...
Shoot, you've got me writing like you 😉
Lol, Paul.. No, my diary will never read like a Disney movie that's for sure. :D. More like a Disney movie with the sound muted and me making up my own dialogue. Usually something very irreverent and sardonic. Dot dot dot.. Thank you for visiting, and your thoughts whatever they might be are always welcome.
I am getting closer to the understanding today that I need to love/accept myself unconditionally first...
Had a nice chat with an old friend I used to be married to. He is probably one of my oldest friends. We met when I was 16. We chat for hours over the phone several times a year. His was one of the first positive voices that set my broken heart on the path of healing. Anyway, I am grateful that he is still in my life and still a strong positive voice/force.
It wasn't hawkeye pierce was it?
It's good having them friends tucked away Joan. The ones who are the true witnesses of our lives. Now that is the pot of gold at the end of a Disney film
Lol Paul. Well, it wasn't hot lips Hoolihan! I would say Mr. K. is more like Capt. Potter.. Annnny way, trying to stay out of trouble. Have a big chunk of change and the plan is to pay off a bill with it. In the past we would have been making fast tracks to the casino. Today, I know better so, must do better. Outside the wind chill is below zero. Tomorrow morning it is expected to register negative 30!! Grateful for this rickity old house and dear old Bertha. Long may she boil. Full steam ahead. It's fridgid out but, the sky is a deep blue and the seas are calm.
Correction: that is colonel potter not captain! Shame on me!
The bank is making it difficult for us to pay this bill. That means easy access to too much cash. Feeling the pressure. Threw a tantrum while cleaning the birdcage and knew the whole time that it was about not getting what I secretly wanted; a trip to the casino. Moving past it but still pretty P****d at myself and embarrassed to have to admit that I tantrumed like a child who had been told no for her own good.
Hey Sis...tantrums huh 😉
Found really funny vid but at the end it said "use condoms so no childern throwing tantrums in your life" lol...so decided against it
Hope this will do..a little childish but ain't we all 😉 (a lil violent scene there, just a lil warning)
Keep pushing hun...steady as she goes...
Navigated safely through the day. It's early evening here. Will be sitting down to supper soon. Will hunker down in front of the tv later and then happy sleep. Normality.
Up with the chickens today. Reaching for the android to type random thoughts into the little box instead of clicking on app to the cartoon casino. Diving headfirst into the thoughts instead of running away from them. Someday I will be able to lie in the sun with my hands clasped behind my head staring dreamily into the sky just watching the clouds roll by. For now I'm wandering in thought and mostly getting lost in their illusions. Blahbity blah... A hot cup of joe with lots of cream and a drop of honey sounds good about now.
Nose pointed back towards the little box. That was after I managed to pull my head out of my caboose. Still arguing with voices. Still shadow boxing. Never had any children. Never wanted any. I grew up in a culture of alcohol. Not every adult I grew up around was an alcoholic, but my dad was. I am still grappling with trust and self worth. Just reading Dan's post and nodding. I was a child who was raised by a narcissist and weekend drunk. I spent a considerable amount of my young adulthood in bars, in AA, and in shrinks offices. Although I take full responsibility for my own addictions and any fallout as a result; I was angry at him and the world for very long time. Even when he died at 50 years old from complications due to end stage COPD I didn't cry. Something to think about...
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