Angel From Montgomery

Hi Joan, thank you for your support on my diary, you're posts always make me smile 🙂

Things on the homefront all kinda went belly up, everything packed up at the same time, laptop, wheels, satellite tv, and now the washing machines on the blink !! Who needs gambling ? hahaha!!

Sorry to read you had a wee blip, but guess what ? it makes no difference. Im the king of blips, yet Ive survived every one of them and am back here today stronger than ever. They actually (with hindsight) did me a favour coz I learnt so much about myself after each one, so Ive managed to turn the negative into a positive, and Im sure you're doing the exact same.

Blips prove that we're human, and Im proud to call myself human. I aint a machine, Im just flesh 'n' blood, with a heart and feelings, I do right I do wrong, I say yes I say no.... yup my friend, Im just plain old human 🙂

Have a wonderful day my friend, hope alls good in Uncle Sams Land 🙂

All the best, take care

Cameron

Thanks Rach, and Cameron!! Hugs all around.

G'morning Diary,

It's Tuesday, and that would be the day after Monday.. lol.. It is supposed to rain buckets today so, I plan on staying close to home today. I am grateful for this cozy little house, my partner in life, and in crime, my little mom, and of course winnie and scout. I just had a bowl of steaming oatmeal and a piece of toast and it tasted very, very good. I have decided not to wolf down my food or my time. I want to savor each slice of life. Instead of galloping through the hours I want to savor each moment. I know that I am reaching. That's the point... I have decided to challenge myself to not be bored. What the hell is that?? Bored?? What?? I am alive and there by the grace of LIFE I go on, for today, only. The past is gone and future is time that does not belong to me. Guess I am gonna have to give it all I have got then, today. To anyone reading my diary have a wonderful life today. -joanxx

Hi Joan,

Thank u 4 ur post on my diary. It means alot 🙂

Ur last post was gr8 2 read, u sound full of posititvity. It takes alot of strength 2 come back after a slip. But u r a fighter.... I am proud of u 🙂

Have a gr8 nite xxxx

Hey Joan

Thanks for the flyer hun...yes worry is not great is it as a way to live ...i am feeling like im through the tunnel today and also ticked a lot of boxes in my head..yay!!

Also on boredom...as a kid I said this ALLLL the time...my Mum had a cure..everytime I said it she used to give me chores to do round the house...no wonder I get OCD,...lol

Getting busy keeps those thoughs away..just think if we all put our collective GC energy together ..we could probably power a small country...lol

Glad to see you navigated those gremlins on your shoulder hun and are back on your path...

Always forward...xx

R and D xxx (((J))))

Joan.

Sounds to me like you pulled your wagon into the caravan of em following shiny's in the middle lane, still very enjoyable for all, the views can be savoured, time flows at the pace you dictate and most of all my dear friend all the folk are smiling!!!!!!!

Just for today joan.

Glad you hitched you wagon up, enjoy the ride.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks all for all of your kind words, comments and encouragements. Means the world to me, and you must know that by now..

G'morning Diary,

I'm trying that's all I can say at the moment. Trying to work with my resentments. I hold on to EVERYTHING. Sigh.. I have built a wall around myself that has taken years to create.. A fortress is a better word. My "onion" skin is made out of iron, mortar, ice -- you name it.. Anything I could find. I got really hurt. Nearly blown up. I put myself back together the best way that I could. I am functional and for a long time that was enough. Life is about survival, I get that but, I want to thrive. I dont want to just merely exist and yet, some days I feel like that is all I can do. I will never give up on myself. I am too curious to see what's around the corner. 🙂 I can do this.. I just need to reflect on this resentment piece some more. I have no desire to gamble. Gambling does not seem to have the same impact since I tore it's mask off. lol.. I want to live. Got to get a handle on this stuffing of anger at my mother. She is a little old lady who desparately needs my help, love, and understanding and I am holding her hostage b/c of what happened more than 40 years ago. The past is in the past. She is not going to change. It is up to me to take the high road and yet, there are moments when I just want to scream at her... I sound like a horrible daughter but, I have decided that I must use this diary to release these feelings b/c stuffing them are killing me.. lol... I spent nearly 7 years in therapy. I really don't want to go back to that. I guess, I just need to reflect some more -- figure out next steps. It is clear that gambling is not an option. I really want to fix this. To anyone reading my diary -- have a wonderful gamble free day today. joanxx

Reflections on Anger and Resentment:

Anger hurts noone but myself:

So, when I am all P iss ed off at someone, it is more than likely that they are off merrily getting on with their own lives not giving me or my anger at them a second's thought.

Anger has robbed me of my sanity:

That was clear a few days ago when I imploded and wound up gambling.

I must try to manage my anger in bite size peices and not let it build or fester into an unmanageable level:

I'm thinking that maybe using my diary as a way to vent some of the anger in the moment it might be helpful -- better than letting it fester.

I have control over my actions. I do not need to be a victim:

I have always known that minding my own buisness was a full time job. I need to do a better job not reacting to every little face or inflection in her tones. I mean really, who is the real pain in the a** here? Her or me.. dogging her around.. ugh!

Resentment is a form of self pity:

Yes, and I do like to feel sorry for myself from time to time..

Resentment bars the sunlight from my soul:

Life is too good and too short to not bask in the light. It is my birthright to bask in the light.

I do not need to forgive her for her.. I need to forgive her for me:

This is something I need to really work on...

Yo,

Thank you for your support on.My diary 🙂

Anger I have never been one to get angry, but resentment well spent years and years with it making up 90 % of my being .

My biggest failing was saying yes but wanting to say no . People pleasing , feelings of immense guilt if I said NO and then feelings of immense resentment when I said YES. So like gambling a lose lose situation.

Think your line at the end about forgiveness , was a bit harsh on you . Obviously I do not know the whole story , but I spent years believing I was a lesser human being , through gambling or just being me. That's gone , I am what I am, today I stand proud . We should forgive people I think , but more importantly we should forgive ourselves .

In this short time you have been on this site , I know you are a kind careing unselfish person, one today I am proud to call a friend .

Hugs my lovely

Shiny xxxxxxxxx

Hey Joan

Are you sure we were not separated at birth?

I totally understand your feelings or anger and resentment or re -treatement as they call it...and your right about forgiveness as the only person you have to forgive is you and your part in it..

if you any way similar to me this will include things like forgiving myself that i cannot let things roll off my back ..forgiving myself for being senstivie to non verbal things..like the way someone can "look "at me disapprovingly or use that "tone"...

Forgiving yourself that you could not cope with the way your mum is/was....

Thats OK Joan...your ALLOWED to feel those things...we are not hard as nails we are sensitive folk and thank god we are as can see things others cant...

I also understand your fortress as I have built one myself complete with moat and sharks!

You are one of the good ones Joan..that shines through..any of your coping mechanisms can be understood by like minds who can see past that and to the real you.

We are Amadillo's!!...a hard shell..and a soft underbelly.!or maybe hedgehogs!! (do you have those in the US?)....seems an odd question I know but went out wiith an Aussie once who had never seen a squirrel as they dont have them.

As Sting would say in his song.."Fortress around your Heart."..

If I built this fortress around your heart

Encircled you with trenches and barbed wire

Then let me build a bridge

As I cannot fill the chasm

And let me set the battlements on fire...

We could sing this to ourselves and let ourselves and everyone else out of the prison we have kept ourselves hostage in.

Freedom.

hugs and more hugs

R and D xxxx

Reading your posts Shiny and Rach,(Sobbing...) It's a good thing.... Sometimes I think I just need to cry... Thank you for helping me out this morning. This site is magical.

G'morning Diary,

It's Thursday and for the first time the first thing I thought about upon rising was NOT gambling. I am beginning to see for me where gambling and eating fits in, in all of this. For me, it starts out with flawed thinking but, flawed thinking is seeded in unexpressed feelings or emotions. In my case feelings of anger and resentment. I am like the Earth in a way. I have a hot molten core surrounded by layer upon layer of rocky crust. Gambling is a surface thing. All of the real action taking place underneath. My work is to get that untapped trapped energy somehow harnessed.. To work for me, instead of against me. Anyway, I'm getting lost in metaphors here. The bottom line is that for me focusing on the addiction dujour albeit counting days or calories always winds up for me in a relapse. The counting will always be part of it but, the healing will have to start below the surface. So, today is a good day already b/c I know where to begin. The storyline is ancient. It all began with a big bang!! All I remember is the pain. Whatever it was, it really hurt. When I experience a gesture, an expression, a word, a tone, that even remotely takes me back I go immediately blind and the habit kicks in. Only the habit is not gambling or eating. That comes later. The habit is going "there". Wherever "there" is and staying there. I wrap myself up in it like a blanket. This blanket is very old and dirty and full of fleas and holes but, my instinct is to wrap myself up in it. I think it is safety but, it is not. When I am "there" I do not think much about living. I do not think at all. Overeating, drinking, and gambling are all surface activities to pass the time because when I am there I have no respect for time. I just want it to go. I know, I know.. just forget the past.. the past is gone. Forgive and forget.. Let go and let God. I get all of that. I agree, and if I was doling out advice I would say that but, for some of us getting to that place is not all that easy. I have been climbing up and down and all around on the surface of my mountain never realizing that I need to do some digging.. ugh.. Well, then, I have got my work cut out for me. It is my partner's birthday today. There will be a celebration tonight and we have plans to go to the Big E on Saturday. I thank the stars for my partner. I cannot express my gratitude in words really.. So, I must go now, and tend to my little planet and my rose. I see that I have NOT cleaned out my many volcanoes in years. Lot's to do.. To anyone reading my diary, Shiny and Rachel, I cannot thank you enough for your understanding and support. joanxxxxxx

hey Joan...

you have such a briliant way of expressing things with words which is fantastic...and your earth metaphor is brilliant...

Your right with let go and let God.that will be a lifetimes work for me and possibly carried over into next incarnation..I think its definately something that has to be done is stages with other "things" along the way that chip away at the crust and not accelarated prematurely..

Wish Patrice a very happy birthday Joan and enjoy your relationship...you have a keeper...

I totally agree that for you gambling is a surface thing as the only thing that differentiates you and I Joan is choice of escape..thats all.

This is why I stick around this site as I always got that but had no way of communicatiing that with my ex who would not look at emotional things so we didnt have a language to work with..only anger and hurt..

My past present and future were all jumbled up and I could'nt separate them out for a long time but now there is more clarity and I relate so much to the emotions you feel as Im sure many others on here do.

enjoy tonight Joan

hugs

R and D xxx

Thanks (((Rach)))

G'Morning Diary!

We had a great time last night. We had pizza, wings, and watched old movies. It was probably the first time in 10 years that we did not celebrate Patrice's birthday in a casino. We are making remarkable progress together and for that I am proud. I had a very long and difficult conversation with my mother too. I needed desparately for her to know that I was aware of the tension between us and wanted her to know why. I needed to tell her that when I was fully in my 52 year old skin and 52 year old mindset that I wanted her here and that I fully understood that she needed me at this time in her life, and that I wanted to help her. I also needed to tell her that when I was not in the right mindset that when I drifted backwards in time which oftentimes happens to folks in recovery from early childhood traumas that I still resented her for not being there for me/us when we were kids. Most important, was just being able to tell her that I did not want her to feel unwelcomed or lost. She was sooo relieved. I could see the tension lift from her face. She understood me and reaffirmed my memories and feelings. She carries around a considerable amount of guilt for what happened back in those days. It was a moment of truth and healing for both of us b/c I was able to speak freely about the mistakes I have made in my adulthood. The poor choices I have made including becoming an alcoholic and CG. Finally, in forgiving her; I feel as if I am getting closer to forgiving myself. For me the deeper challenge these days has been about forgiving and healing and old hurt. Now, when the urges come, I have better more updated tools to fight them with with. I have a better outlook on life. Time to take that old ratty blanket and toss it into the fire. Who knows, I might even be able to shed some of this extra body weight I have been dragging around. I must now confess that I have been worried lately, about how my recent slip and diary might be impacting others, in that it has not been an easy light hearted read. I cannot be sorry because it would not be sincere and if I am anything I am honest. I firmly believe that we are body, mind, and soul and that all three are connected. Kind of reminds me of a verse from an old Leonard Cohen song.. "Like a bird on a wire, like a drunk in midnight choir, I have tried in my way to be free" To anyone reading my diary, have a great day which implies gamble free b/c I can no longer imagine a "great day" with gambling in it. -joan

HI Joan,

What a magnificant post. You have to give it away to get it back. !! Holding on to all the things that have caused me pain for so many years drove me to the edge of that cliff, slowly im lobbing things over the side of it and letting them go.

Keep working it Joan, that conversation with your mum will I hope be the start of some healing process for you both. My dad always used to say to me.. "Dont ever come to my grave and tell me anything you couldnt when i was here".

Today we still have another chance to turn that around.

Take care and belated birthday wishes to Patrica.

Blondie xx

Hi Joan,

Thank u 4 ur lovely post on my diary. Ur kind words mean alot 2 me 🙂

Have a gr8 nite xxxxxx

hey Joan

Hun, for diaries not being a lighthearted and easy read..you are way down the list...I take full repsonsibility for that one and no ones diary is more challenging and a pain in the a** to read than mine by a long shot..its not for the feint hearted .....so make no apology for that..

This is your diary...you write what you like the good the bad and the ugly...if you are down you dont bring me down..I sometimes like being down as I can take time out to reflect..

Youre human Joan and dont ever turn into a stepford wife or i shall be hopping the next flight over..its your honesty I love : ) xxx

Joan...i think you have turned a big corner here with your Mum...and yes I totally agree that this will be the start of a healing process not just with you although you are the pioneer,.but with your whole family.

You have changed the rules and are going to communicate in whole new way which will bring many surprises along the way i guarantee...in a good way.

On the weight Joan I am a firm believer that we cushion the parts of our self that are most vulnerable ...on our a** it is literally what is"behind us" that we need to address...on our stomachs its about lack of love nourishment and care...on our boobs...overmothering and smotherlove and on our thighs impacted stubborn anger..usually at the father......

I think we cushion ourselves to be able to cope with the blows life deals us....just my opinion so don't worry if you think its a load of barmy old hippy cack! lol

Also about the past Joan...I believe the past,present and future are all operating at once,so if you say to someone "forget the past " you cant just wipe it out.

Somedays im about 5 in my reactions...other days 12 other days an obnoxious teen and others 45 and then others i have maturity beyond my years...look back for reference..face it and then let it go...past present and future all operating at once.

I personally dont think we can let it go til we face it as you have with your mum and yes...a big weight has been lifted off as you now have a dialogue..a language to communicate with ...whereas before you were stuffing feelings down.

This is why I dont agreewith hypnosis as I feel it setss what needs to be faced even deeper and like a dam it will come out in a different area...what we resist will persist! ..or what we regress will find another usually unhealthy outlet.

Joan..you have done fantaastic..faced that fear and broken through an invisible barrier that has kept you locked in..

As I said in a previous post....courage is not the absence of fear...it is facing fear despite feeling afraid...

You my lovely are one courgeous lady as I know how much courrage it has taken to open up that conversation..

hugs

R and D xx