Angel From Montgomery

Diary:

Made it back from Lake Dean dead tired. Camping with children is a job! Lol. It was well worth it. The point was to give the girls a weekend to remember. I believe our mission was accomplished. Got up this morning with the usual thoughts- kind of like an old fashion 45 record with a skip in it. We used to say " sounding like a broken record". Anyway, I tried some deep breathing and focused my attention on the sounds of the birds and it worked!

I can hear the fridge buzzing in the background. Cars whirring by. I can see that daylight is creeping and I can now see the silhouettes of trees against a dark blue gray sky. It feels good to be here. I feel good. Even the prospect of getting myself into work to do a training today sounds good. It's amazing how layered the sounds are. It's even more amazing how calming it feels to be outside of my head for a change. The sun is coming up now.

Gambling urges are behind me for now. I'm in that place now where I can take it or leave it. It's a clear choice is all I'm saying. I can leave the healing wound or rip off the scab. When I'm calm the choice is a no brainer caught up in obsessive thoughts or in the grip anxiety and not so easy.. Mindfulness helps me to stay grounded in the present. I used to think this stuff was bs. But, then again, I also used to think that gambling was fun...

Hey Joan

Just had to sneak off to the toilet as there's a work sweepstake going on and could sense the people about to start asking me to get involved. Awkward

Anyway, like u I also turned my nose up at mindfulness or anything linked to self development. All part of clinging on to the narrative that I was doing just fine.

Shame that I had such a closed mind. Curiosity and openness is so much healthier

Louis

Ha ha Louis ... Typing in the bathroom..

Diary:

Me again.. Sipping coffee. No crazy thoughts. No cold sweats. w*f is going on? Is this what relaxed feels like? I was thinking.. and not until it hurt, that it took me almost 4 years to make some crucial connections. I found that sticking to it. Facing down fears and urges to run away has gotten me to where I am. Having a little courage to look at myself and make some changes helped too. I still have doubts and a long way to go but without the dread weighing me down I don't mind. Today. I'm looking forward. I'm hopeful.

Thanks Julie!!

Got through the work day. Now, it's time to chill and watch The Deadliest Catch. Not bad. Not bad at all..

It's not "not bad" ...it's awesome for another day 😉

Enjoy girl.....enjoy recovery because you're simply worth it ☺

Thanks Sis!

Home from work. Gonna have some meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Gonna watch some tv and relax. Gonna look forward to tomorrow. Not gonna stress about test coming up on Friday. Not gonna gamble.

Thanks Joan. Your support means a lot to me. Just knowing there are people out there who care helps.

I've been reading through your recent posts and see a lot of self knowledge, understanding and movement. I've always felt that you know yourself really well. I feel that there's stuff I want to say, but can't find the words today. Just a thanks for putting it out there I suppose. Modelling the vulnerability that is so important to all of us in recovery. Thanks. LB x

You're support means a lot to me too LB.

Diary:

Scared sh...it less. Not gonna lie. Deep f*****g breaths and all that.. I don't like feeling out of control. I don't like not knowing. I need to be the all knowing in control grand poobah of the universe. I feel like a frightened child. Won't gamble about it. Why ask for a kick in the teeth on top of everything else? I'm sure I will be back... Geez I hate this..

Just popped by to say I'm thinking of you for Friday (as I failed to take in what you told me about the time difference) & see you getting all worked up about something you can't control, sheesh dontcha just hate the not knowing 🙁

Deep breaths Joan, it's extremely unpleasant I'm sure but getting the tests done is one step closer to knowing!

Thinking of you & sending strong supportive vibes through cyber space (careful they don't knock you over, I'm alone @ work so not wasting excess energy here on the numpties which means they're pretty powerful)!

Thanks K. Was hoping if I just dumped it all down on here that I could spare my poor partner an insane trip down the rabbit hole with me... I might drop an Ativan. Couldn't hurt.. I just hate not being in control. And I want to say to myself. Tough sh it. There are folks everywhere dealing with challenges every day. I am not special.. I am not exempt. Deal with it for foooooooks sake!!

Don't stress over it Sis. All will be ok. You are in my thoughts ☺

Deep breaths ((((J))))

judy wrote:

Thanks K. Was hoping if I just dumped it all down on here that I could spare my poor partner an insane trip down the rabbit hole with me... I might drop an Ativan. Couldn't hurt.. I just hate not being in control. And I want to say to myself. Tough sh it. There are folks everywhere dealing with challenges every day. I am not special.. I am not exempt. Deal with it for foooooooks sake!!

Wishing you the best too. Positive thoughts. tri x

Thanks so much ODAAT, Sis, and Tri.

Diary:

I'm sat here trying to remember when it was that I turned into such a quivering blob of fear. P said that I was not the same after my hysterectomy in 2003. Maybe she's right. I think it goes way way back. I get attached to everything and anything. Any loss to me real or imagined even if it's on a cellular level feels catastrophic. This has to change or life won't be worth living. What would be the point? I'm not in the least suicidal I'm just saying who wants to live in constant fear? I wonder sometimes if it has to do with control. I need to know exactly what's going on, and what's coming next. Does that have to do with trust? I believe that I learned at a very early age that I cannot trust anything or anyone. That danger lurks all around me and I must be constantly vigilant. When someone like a parent is supposed to provide a developing child with a sense of safety and that doesn't happen; what then?I'm not blaming. I'm stating a fact. Some kids grow up in chaotic environments with emotionally dis regulated parents. My parents were not crazy. The environment I grew up in was relatively safe. My father however, was a weekend alcoholic who did "things" in his uninhibited state that he SHOULD NOT have done in the presence of vulnerable children. There were a couple of incidents when he crossed the line even further. Navigating around my drunk father on the weekends was like walking in a field infested with mines. Or, like finding myself standing in the direct path of a tornado with nowhere to hide. My ma? I don't know where she was but, I suspect that she was around somewhere but, disassociated in order to save her own sanity. My point is, I learned not to trust like others learned to trust. To not trust is my nature. What may seem ridiculous to some comes natural for me. My task then is to unlearn something that I believe is part of my very core. Some days I don't feel like that's even possible.

Today, I go for an exam. The purpose of this examination is to promote health. in theory, the future health of my tah tahs is in part dependent on me cooperating with these examinations and accepting the results so that I can take direct action. I get this on an intellectual level but, emotionally, I feel like a frightened child. I'm crying now so I suppose I've exposed the core. So, now, I'm sat here giving myself a hug and a pep talk. I tell myself its gonna be so just let it be and what happens, happens. No bombs, no devils, no tornados. After some tears there is now some calmness. Evsrything is gonna be ok. I know this intellectually but, I'm still working on trusting myself..

Thank you Julie. I really appreciate your support and this site. I have learned that I have somewhere else to go besides the fridge or a casino... It means a lot. More than I can say.

Diary:

Getting the work out today dear diary. Permission to feel whatever that feeling might be. I have explored the idea of gambling, drinking alcohol and over eating as a form of escapism. All of this diary deleting lately is something I can relate to. I am constantly editing my thoughts. The only thing that is allowed to come out of my mouth in the third has to be sensible, squeaky clean, politically correct, socially acceptable... Stuffing my feelings is a problem. Stuffing.... Just wanted to note that for future reference.