Angel From Montgomery

Stuffing and then exploding is something I did a lot of. Letting it out is better. This is your place, so why edit? I know it's hard. Put it in a journal for now if you can't put it here but get it out of your head.

I get your thoughts about your childhood. "My task then is to unlearn something that I believe is part of my very core. Some days I don't feel like that's even possible." I don't have the answer but I'm just wondering...maybe it can't be unlearnt but by knowing it and what causes it, it can be amelorated...made live-able. I remember you saying before you're not too keen on the child within malarky but I think there's some substance to it. Anyway, I won't ramble. You've got enough on your mind. Hope all goes well with the tests. I know you have it in you to deal with whatever news they bring. LB x

Heeeeyyyy Sister ☺

Yup..i deleted my post..quick childish reaction. Unfortunately i cannot recall it word to word (age that is) but it helped me to dump it for one min! Felt better & sorry if it was disrespectful. I guess old good line about it "possibly affecting others" jumped to my mind and i made a choice.

But...progress cause it was on my own diary! I'm slowly coming round the idea of my "own personal space" and surely no attacks needed from this rebel 😉

Hmmm..thank you for your post and email Hun..i know you understand me. I sometimes think I'm very bad person (which i am, i cannot say I'm an angel) but as Rach said not long ago, "the ones who knows you well enough, will accept you the way you are".. i thank that girl for being such an amazing soul..same as you, Sesuo, LB, Shiny, DF, Carla, Irene, SA, Ryan, Soulie, Dan, Duncs , Blondie...etc...etc...just v few examples of people i owe my life & sanity to!

Love hugs,
Please don't work urself up about tests...me, same as everyone is rooting for you & the distance over the pond is the same as drop in the ocean...just let our warmth, care, support, love to reach you the quickest way possible - through your unconditional heart ☺

Enough blabbing...spk soon darling!

S x

Ps..bahhhh..now i didn't mention Al i felt all bad :-)))...ok, i did now so best dash out b4 I'm late for my medicine ☺

Diary:

Got through it. Next visit in 6 months. Last time P and I went straight to the casino. Not today. Today we came home. We're gonna put our pjs on and cuddle up in front of the tv. So much to be thankful for..

Sounds like a perfect end to a grotty day 🙂

You wouldn't be you if you weren't! Is it something you can control? If not, focus your energy elsewhere! Shovel some sheeite, practise origami with your paper tigers, you can do no more than face your fears & that is what you are doing...No-one said it was gonna be easy but you are doing it & that is the only thing that can set you free! Worrying never solved anything so turn that frown upside down & just be!

Was that a smile for me :-0

Aww, who am I kidding, even if it wasn't, that's what I'm taking from it 🙂

You may not think you're special but one person's rubbish is another's gold (or however the saying goes)!

Soo....what you gonna worry about next? 😉 ..please let me know before hand so we can jump in and "fix" those thoughts quickly ☺

Proud of you girl! Enjoy your eve!...since my breakfast is at 2300 pm here i best go & trash the kitchen 😀
(No in anger fashion...just starving 😉 )

Keep breathing & smiling!

Thanks All!

Diary:

Thoughts today:

Accountability

Acceptance

Willingness

Committment

Complete accountability. Gambling and losing a lot of money and time was my doing. Nobody's to blame but me.

Acceptance: After all finally accepting that gambling on slots has beaten me to an unrecognizable pulp. To willingly go back would be me asking on bended knee to please no, pretty please with sugar on top - beat me to an unrecognizable pulp.

Willingness to hear others out. To take any and all help available at least into consideration. In the spirit of its intention. Willingness to list my own shortcomings, address them and make the necessary changes in ME. ( yes, Dan, both intellectually and emotionally understood)

Complete commitment to recovery. For me that would be daily checkins with my partner in life, love, and crime Ms. P. We have daily conversations on the way into work about where we have been with gambling. What we need to do to stay stopped and plans, hopes, and goals for our future. It also means keeping this diary and writing down the good the bad and the ugly. (About myself of course)

Yesterday, on the way home from clinic I felt a strong urge to gamble. Understanding what that would mean for me now, enabled me to stare that urge down relatively easily. Succumbing to a gambling urge for me today means asking for a beating. No Fooooooking thank you!!! It's Saturday morning here and P and I have the whole day to f**k off with. What a feeling! 😀

Hey Joan

Like your list a lot. re willingness, if that was my list I would add 'willingness to experience difficult emotions'. Think of a metaphorical 'willingness dial' which we need to turn up where we can. When the dials set to low we escape/avoid/distract at the slightest difficulty - it's the struggle with the difficult emotion which is the real cause of suffering.

Louis x

Thanks Louis!!

Diary:

Another thought:

Discipline

Some kind of structure. For me it has been primarily this diary. From time to time I might think that coming here is the only time I think about gambling.. Good!! Then coming back here time and time again reminds me that I can never stop stopping. If I want to stay stopped I can never start. If revisiting this concept everyday is inconvenient or uncomfortable -- tough shhhh toenails. That's the point. The new habit is to revisit my committment to recovery every single day. Sharing my diary is giving back. I don't have to worry about what I say on my own diary. I write if for myself but by sharing it I can hopefully help others in their recovery. I don't have to write on other diaries every day. Committing to my own recovery and keeping a diary for myself for others to read IS sharing. When I don't feel like writing on my diary is probably the time I need my diary the most.

Ohhh Joan,

Such true words! I love reading your diary and it always helps me in my own journey. You have a great gift of putting your thoughts down.

Yup...i also can agree about your last sentence. Dan asked me the other day if i go bk to the meetings..i said i don't feel ready yet..well....that's then i needed to go there the most! So glad i did & even if i didn't want to walk through those door, the second i did - it felt home and safest place i could find myself in ☺

Keep on writing girl, your words helps million others, you have a lot of wisdom to share.

S x

Diary:

Stunned and disgusted by what took place at a club in Orlando Florida.. Tired. Sad. Gotta work tomorrow. Think I will just crawl under a blanket and stay there awhile. Keep hearing stories on the news about these kids texting after being shot. Some of them dying texting their moms .... I'm not making sense. I'm just feeling overwhelmed..

Oh nooo! Darling, what happened there :-(..i shall look it up. World is horrible place sometimes girl, i don't know what runs through criminals heads..it is really saddening.

Keep breathing sweets ok, ..just for today.
I shall have a prayer for all of you over the pond.

S x

Thanks Sis.

Diary:

Feeling more level and focused today. Will stay on the path. Will do my best to receive what comes with an open mind and heart. Will do my best to be mindful of the hearts and minds of others. No gambling.

Diary:

Well, what did that guy once write, "the best laid plans of mice and men"... Something like that. I'm here sitting at work once again conjuring up things to worry about. Somewhere in my brain I think/believe that life should conform to my wishes. Like all the little doo dads that I display on my shelf. Sitting just so. In the order that I place them in. My Dad was like that. His head probably a mess like mine but, on the outside every hair in place. Nice and neat and orderly. I can't handle the chaos in the world. The racing thoughts in my head so.. Come up with c**P to worry about. CONTROL. What I can change what I cannot possibly control or change and the GD wisdom to know the difference. So, will do some mindfulness exercises. All of this will make more sense when my mind is calmer.