Angel From Montgomery

& for what it's worth, it's P*****g down with rain here & my trousers are still wet from my way into work (wail)!

Yup, we can say sucks (that's jolly decent of them doncha think) & wow, how did you know that Pecan sandwiches were what was missing from your who could ask for more 😉

Hi Joan,

Thanks for dropping in on my diary.

Hope you are well and keeping ever strong.

Recovery IS possible.

Ade x

Diary:

I can't believe we are beginning the summer of 2016. I came to this forum in the summer of 2012. It took me four years to get to where I am today. I guess the time is relative. I was reading in my old AA 12 Steps book about "rock bottom". I didn't come here completely broken. I hadn't lost relationships and property or my job. I knew I was in trouble and over time I learned first hand that compulsive gambling like alcoholism was a progressive disease. In spite of racking up a debt of 33,000.00 P and I continued to periodically gamble on slots. Each time thinking we could win and or control our gambling. Losing of course not only what we intended to spend but, more. After every stint I would crawl back to my diary and swear off until the next stint. Over and over. Drawing lines in the sand and then crossing them. I learned as a CG that the first person I was willing to lie to in order to stay in the action was myself. It wouldn't be long until I would try to con money out of my friends or my mom. Seeing the obscenity in that we stopped borrowing and paid back our debts only to con ourselves once again into thinking we could control ourselves. On our way to racking up another debt this time about 3000. And, the f*****g penny finally drops. This time, is different because I understand with evey cell of my being that slot machines have beaten me to an unrecognizeable pulp. That every time I walk into a casino I willingly drop to my knees and ask politely for another beating. So, I set out asking myself why? Why do I do this? What is at the core of my insanity? I looked all around me and inside of myself. There were days on this forum when I felt I was lost inside of a house of mirrors. The answer was inside of me. It has always been me. Me and my buddies fear, anger, and resentment. I don't list them in any particular order. I have a ways to go yet. In my travels I have met many and have walked many paths. Usually leading to nowhere or at best in a circle. my moral compass was broken. North was South and South was North. Today, I believe I am finally on the right path. It's gonna be a long while before I reach the likes of Duncan Mac or Dan but, I'm moving forward. One day at a time. Just one day. I don't need to distract myself with a counter. Besides, that's what the calendar is for. Time as always seems to be rolling like a river anyway. With or without me. For now, I just need to go with the flow...

Bottom line: recovery is not a fight or a challenge. It's a free ride. All I had to do was admit that I was beaten. Addiction is the endless fight. A fight where the deck was stacked against me. I'm laying down my sword. I'm gonna enjoy the ride.

judy wrote:

Diary:

I can't believe we are beginning the summer of 2016. I came to this forum in the summer of 2012. It took me four years to get to where I am today. I guess the time is relative. I was reading in my old AA 12 Steps book about "rock bottom". I didn't come here completely broken. I hadn't lost relationships and property or my job. I knew I was in trouble and over time I learned first hand that compulsive gambling like alcoholism was a progressive disease. In spite of racking up a debt of 33,000.00 P and I continued to periodically gamble on slots. Each time thinking we could win and or control our gambling. Losing of course not only what we intended to spend but, more. After every stint I would crawl back to my diary and swear off until the next stint. Over and over. Drawing lines in the sand and then crossing them. I learned as a CG that the first person I was willing to lie to in order to stay in the action was myself. It wouldn't be long until I would try to con money out of my friends or my mom. Seeing the obscenity in that we stopped borrowing and paid back our debts only to con ourselves once again into thinking we could control ourselves. On our way to racking up another debt this time about 3000. And, the f*****g penny finally drops. This time, is different because I understand with evey cell of my being that slot machines have beaten me to an unrecognizeable pulp. That every time I walk into a casino I willingly drop to my knees and ask politely for another beating. So, I set out asking myself why? Why do I do this? What is at the core of my insanity? I looked all around me and inside of myself. There were days on this forum when I felt I was lost inside of a house of mirrors. The answer was inside of me. It has always been me. Me and my buddies fear, anger, and resentment. I don't list them in any particular order. I have a ways to go yet. In my travels I have met many and have walked many paths. Usually leading to nowhere or at best in a circle. my moral compass was broken. North was South and South was North. Today, I believe I am finally on the right path. It's gonna be a long while before I reach the likes of Duncan Mac or Dan but, I'm moving forward. One day at a time. Just one day. I don't need to distract myself with a counter. Besides, that's what the calendar is for. Time as always seems to be rolling like a river anyway. With or without me. For now, I just need to go with the flow...

Bottom line: recovery is not a fight or a challenge. It's a free ride. All I had to do was admit that I was beaten. Addiction is the endless fight. A fight where the deck was stacked against me. I'm laying down my sword. I'm gonna enjoy the ride.

Hi Judy

Wow a lot of progress in that post! Acceptance of course being a big part of step 1. Keep walking that path and never be afraid to accept you've got some more work to do. Proud of you. Tri

Thanks Julie and Tri.

Diary:

Another beautiful day. Had a nice chat with one of my oldest and dearest friends. Filled the day doing everyday normal things. Normal is nice.

Hi Joan , nothing much to add to whats already been said but just stopped off to say hello and that " I'm thinking of you" .

And yes" Normal is very , very nice " .

Best wishes for now .............................Alan

Thank you Alan! I will repost later..

Diary:

Warning: this post may contain contents that others may find offensive. Please understand that I post mainly for myself and it is not my intention to offend or engage in any form of debate.

Over the years folks like me have had online debates and discussions about what AA and other 12 step programs mean by a "higher power" and how that higher power actually goes about restoring an addict's sanity. Lots of folks. Lots of ideas. All valid. It's funny to me now, that when in addiction, I am willing to believe with my heart and soul that the next spin will be the one that makes me rich. In spite of the very fact that the machine was designed to fool me, I believed I would win.

Standing in front of an ocean. Witnessing the birth of a child. Sitting in the shade of a tree that has been here for hundreds of years. Witnessing the power of a hurricane, or my rhododendron in bloom every June for the last 15 years is in my mind all evidence or proof that that Life is at least bigger than I am. Whatever that spark is. It is eternal. Life will go on with or without me. So for me, God as I understand, he or she to be, is Life itself. All of Life. Not just me. The whole anchalada. When I accept that there is a power out there greater than I am I can breathe out a sigh of relief. I can allow humility to enter my heart and mind. My experience has been, that when I pray for humility peace usually follows. If only for a moment. In that moment I have personally witnessed rage and resentment and fear melt away. Sounds like a load of horse manure but, I have always known of this power. For me when in the grip of addiction my moral compass is broken and I lose my way. I lose my light. I lose my faith. When I say faith I don't imagine a group of people huddled in a chapel somewhere. I have always been more of a pagan of sorts. The thing is, I don't believe my survival up to this point was entirely of my own doing or by mere accident. Believe, or don't believe. When I am on the path of recovery my heart and my mind are open. Love and light gets in. When I am in addiction my heart and mind are closed. In darkness I feel despair. Believe, or don't believe. It's not for me to preach or seek out followers. I'm no saint, and I firmly believe that if one meets the Budha on the road one must shoot....

Whoever, whatever, one's higher power is; give yourself over allow yourself to become humbled by it. Open up your heart and mind to it and let the love and light in. For me a prayer for humility brings a sense of relief and calmness. Calmness brings clarity. Clarity brings inner peace and with that a sense of restored sanity even in times of outward trouble.

Although I think I understand this step it is often the one I find the hardest to work on a consistent basis. I have a habit of thinking its my way or the highway. Or, if only the rest of the world would bend to my will...On some days I am like a deranged weathervane twisting in the wind pointing out the shortcomings in everybody else. The only moral inventory I am responsible for maintaining is my own. I think I have blubbered on enough for one morning. My wish for everyone out there in cyber land is to reclaim your belief, and in doing so, find sanity and peace.

Understanding it intellectually is one thing Joan. The trick is accepting it emotionally x

Thanks Dan. That's right. I've got one helluva climb ahead of me..

Diary:

My thoughts about the existence of God and other matters of eschatological import will have to be placed on hold. It's time to get ready to take my two neices ages 6 and 8 on a weekend camping trip to Lake Dean.... We will roast hot dogs and marshmallows over a crackling campfire. We will go fishing and no doubt get at least one round of mini golf in. There will be swimming and rock painting and I imagine a skinned knee, a bee sting or two and in between there is sure to be some giggling and high pitched screams... Deeeeep breaths... Auntie joan..... Oh boy....

Hey Sis..

Thank you for your lovely and inspiring words..
Diary is my life hun...i will not delete my emotions, failures and i believe upcoming victories on there ☺..the best thing is - you're part of it!

Enjoy your weekend with lil ones...you shining very bright light my dear friend....just thought i let you know how much it spreads around ☺

Love, hugs sweets..

S x

Ps. Your thoughts today has kickstarted my heart beat today...you describing HP really resonated with me greatly..thank you for that

Thanks so much Julie and sis. I will try to repost later. Just know that I really appreciate your support.

Diary:

I like to think of myself as a lone wolf who typically doesn't worry about people pleasing. For the most part that is true but, I need and appreciate validation from others from time to time. When it happens I don't want to take it for granted!

Today is the day we set out for lake Dean. The kids are very excited. I'm dragging at the moment and hoping that once I see them I can whip up some enthusiasm. Ma got some bad news last night about her brother. Uncle Butch as I have known him as for all of my life has developed stage four liver cancer. It broke my heart to see ma looking so sad and lost. 8:30 in the evening is late for her but, I made us both some tea and we visited for a bit at the kitchen table. Mom's memory is not what it used to be so, it was pretty much talking in circles but, I didn't mind. It was nice to see my mom for who she is today. Without the resentment goggles I can see her more clearly. It was a heavy moment but the load seemed easier to carry without all of the baggage from the past weighing me down. Mom has gotten really old and frail. I asked her if she wanted us to stay home with her this weekend and she said "c'mon, you have plans". I believed her. Mom can be strong when she has to be and this is not her first rodeo when it comes to loss. She lost her husband and her son afterall. I felt a little ashamed because for so long I have resented her for being weak. For not showing me how to be strong. When I hold onto anger and resentment my vision get's distorted. I see only what I want to see and not what is really there. I become the long suffering protagonist in my own dramatic production. We don't forgive people for them. We do it for ourselves. Don't want to get into a long ramble. Gotta make some coffee get the blood pumping and get a move on. Learning to really look and not judge. That's a hard one for me. Acceptance not only outwardly (intellectually) but, digesting or internalizing it... Progress not perfection.

Hi Joan

Wow that's a mixture. Hope you enjoy the time with the kids. Thinking of you. Tri

Thanks Tri and Julie!

Diary:

Exhausted physically and mentally. Took a quick read around but must have left my sense of humor back at camp... Oh well.. I feel like I'm in a good place for now, and will just stay right here where I am. Gonna get some much needed sleep and then see what tomorrow might bring. Who knows maybe I'll get it.. Probably not. And, that's ok too...