Angel From Montgomery

Diary:

I was desperately trying to erase that last post but couldn't figure out how to do it. I'm in an inside out frame of mind today. Gonna challenge myself to stay away from FaceBook today because sometimes I let it get to me..

judy wrote:

But, not before one last teensy rant.. I was just telling P. For the last several days I have been sat in a self imposed "time out". I discovered I was feeling guilty for having not only a good time on the cape but, for being able to go at all. I don't feel worthy. I have been sitting in a corner because I feel guilty for feeling happiness. Not "happy clappy". Just plain and simple happiness. So that's me today. The filthy lousy recovering addict who put on a few pounds is letting herself out of time out. I deserve to feel and that includes happiness.

I love your honesty Joan. Life isn't always happy clappy and if you can't share it with your friends on here who can you? Your friend Tri

Hi Joan
If you want to change how you feel, then you must change how you act & keep at it long enough to find acting in a healthy manner becomes as comfortable as all the self defeating ways always have done x

Not sure I want to change how I feel. Most of the time I don't allow myself to feel at all...

And, I'm not sure how I am acting in an unhealthy manner...

Pick on somebody else today Dan.

Diary:

Grrrrr ok I get it. Can't feel happy because I'm more comfortable with misery. If I want to be happy and feel good about it I have to take care of myself. I have to practice self care the way I used to self injure.. Sorry Dan. Apparently, I didn't want to take my medicine today..

Diary:

Hopefully, the last post today.. Am getting tired of thinking. Realizing that when I made the decision to stop this time I meant it. Ever since, it has been like moving through the stages of grief. I haven't made it to acceptance yet but, I'm getting there. Now, I'm going to enjoy the rest of the 3 Stooges marathon on tv.

Diary:

I spent the last leg of my vacation sitting on a heating pad. Mostly saying to myself, I can't go to work next week. I can't. I'm afraid. I lashed out in anger and in typical Dan style Dan jumps in the water with me. I pushed back and then I realized that he was right. I have to stop treating myself like a piece of dried up s h I. T if I want to feel better. The addiction tells me that I can't. The addiction tells me that I'm unlovable. The addiction tells me I'm not worthy. So, I'm getting ready to go to work. You know what? I need this job. Not just for the money but, because I need meaningful work. It's part of the balance. If i want to look and feel better in my clothes I need to stand up straight and smile ( a little ). It's addiction that wants me to stay in addiction. Today, I'm telling addiction to P I s..s off!

Joan, you are valuable 🙂

thanks for being you. Tri xx

Reread #2377 about why you think that it's a good idea to work. It is. The addiction's just telling you rubbish.

CW

Thanks so much Tri and CW

Diary,

Loooong day. It's good to be home. Can't help feeling upset with my brother who thinks its ok to let text messages go unanswered for days at a time. I'm trying to not feel resentment towards him but, he forgets that he has a responsibility regarding the support of our aging mom. He ignores her, and dismisses my messages and it makes me feel stupid and invisible. Big shot attorney... I feel better ranting on here. I don't want to say something to him that I might regret. Just ticks me off that his big shot job is more important than mom and me. We three will be ok. That's P my mom and me. Just gotta breathe. A part of me says you should let him know how his dismissing you makes you feel. I guess I don't believe he really cares. Oh well.. Just needed to get that off my chest before sleeps tonight. This very same thing kept me up half the night last night.. I'm exhausted.

Diary:

Up at a s ..s o'clock to get ready for work. Tail between my legs. Judged my brother fiercely and jumped to the worst conclusion and now I am sat here eating crow and humble pie. I felt nothing when I gambled. Not gonna lie. I feel lots right now but mostly like s ..I t. Sorry for the negativity. I leave it here and at noone's door so do not feel compelled to respond. Just feeling raw. Nothing new, it's just been a long time.

Diary:

A lot of what folks are writing about really resonating with me today.. Louis, wrote something about not telling the pain to shut up. To listen to it. LB notes that for some of us relationships have brought on or remind us of painful moments. Hurt people lash out and hurt others. Some people leave us because then relationship for them might have run its course. Some leave because they have to. They died. I am terribly afraid of loss so deliberately keep my distance. I can be extremely judgemental. I'm hard on myself. I think I'm avoiding rejection by keeping to myself. Lots to think about. Lots to work on.

Diary:

Had a conversation with my mom today and finally came clean about my gambling addiction. I never stole any money from her or anything like that but, it felt good to just let myself off of the hook. It felt good to admit that the ranting I do about paying the bills sometimes is nobody's fault but my own. That sounds like the opposite of getting off the hook. In my mind it is freeing to let go of secrets. I fecked up. I admitted it. It's time to move on! It's a Saturday night and we have nothing to do. For the first time in a very long time I don't even have the urge to go gambling. Yes, we are still behind the eight ball financially but, things will get better. It's nice to be home -- sat in front of the tube. Nice and cozy. Just ma upstairs. P and the dogs and me.. G'night diary.