Angel From Montgomery

Thanks Duncan and Castle. I really appreciate your support!!

G'morning Diary:

Off to work in an hour or two. I'm dragging a little. It's a long week for me. Got paid which is a wonderful thing but, a source of anxiety as well. The habit is to rush through this work day as quickly as possible. I have observed that In addiction, I lose all sense or appreciation of time and money. So, today, I have my work cut out for me. I will s-l-o-w down. I will live each moment deliberately. I will honor myself by safe guarding my time and my hard earned money. Resenting this fricking addiction doesnt do any good b/c being P iss ed off only works against me. So, good morning Friday -- come what may. Que sera sera ....

To anyone reading my diary -- pay day weekends are very hard for gambling addicts but, we work hard and deserve to be happy secure people. Just for today, say NO to those thieving gambling urges. -joanxx

HI Joan,

Great post and so true, Ive allowed myself the past few days to get into "Poor me syndrome" No ones job is as stressfull as mine, theres not enough hours in the day, I never get any me time kind of thinking which is really dangerous for me as it opens the gambling door.

I took some much needed time out to try and put things into perspective and it brought me back to reality and away from self pity to humility, Im thankfull for the roof over my head because i work hard, Im thankfull for the food in my cupboards even though im a rubbish cook lol.

Some times taking it s l o w allows us to take stock of things that are normally flying by at 100 miles an hour.

Enjoy your friday.. How many things did you notice in slow motiion that you wouldnt have if you were rushing round in headless chicken mode.. ? You would be surprised.

Take care

Blondie xx

the futures not ours to see....

got me singing again Joan.....but I get carried away aand start doing dory whale noises just for fun.xx

I am reading,identifying and sending hugs...trans atlanticly xx

R and D xxx

Thanks Blondie and Rach. Group hug. (((()))

G'morning Diary,

I'm thinking about Blondie's post about addiction. I'm feeling a little bit down today about my weight. I know that this is a diary about gambling addiction but, for me, it is about addiction dujour. Alcohol, food, and gambling so far.. I say, so far b/c my life is not over yet and there are more things that I could manage to get addicted to so, would hate to limit myself. lol.. I guess that is why I am working so hard at my moral inventory. There are things about "me" that I have to change. Instant gratification. Now there's one. I want, what I want, when I want it. That's a character flaw. I sometimes wish that I was more like some others on this site who get out there and run everyday. -- or, even walk, or swim.. something. I'm a dreamer I guess.. maybe another character flaw. I have some discipline when it comes to some things -- like my work. But, when it comes to other things like sticking to a diet or exercise -- I have none. At 52, I am not as worried about body image as I am about developing type 2 diabetes. I am a nurse and am affraid of going to my doctor next month b/c I know she is going to scold me about recent weight gain. So far I sound like a pretty young 52 right now. I would put myself at about 5 or 6 years old.. lol.. So, I am impatient, undisciplined, lazy. No, I can behave in ways that show lack of patience, and discipline. If I beat myself up too much I will end up doing something stupid. So, today, it's about the inventory.. but, on the lighter side... I will be going to get my hair cut and styled. No color.. I like my salt and pepper 🙂 I earned every one of those silver hairs! Afterwards, my partner in life and in crime who also happens to be my bestie will go to lunch and a movie! When I choose life that that *** er of a disease merely exists. I'm gonna live today folks! To anyone reading my diary -- Today, say no to that *** er of a disease -gambling. -joanxxx

Some may say your a dreamer ...but your not the only one.: )

I think some local lad sang that once...forget his name .

Hi Joan , I think that sometimes in recovery as patience is non of our strong points its about being in the right head space as we make those changes.

I was also thinking about my weight the other day and how when im beating on myself and being angry my weight goes up as im literally holding on usually to resentment and trying to stuff it down....but when I can express sadness and let go ..my weight comes down.

Not sure that makes sense hun.....

Hope your are happy with your new hairdoo Joan...salt and pepper is good....a seasoned soul..

Thank you for your post too ..im in a cowboy mood at the moment..i think its the change in weather when the melanchholic music comes out.Have a few film tunes to put on too that I love.

Keep on keeping on Joan...blowing that f****r of a disease away with a force 20 gale for ya ; )

hugs

R and D xx

Hi Joan,

What can I say.....Thank you for being a friend.....song anyone...lol

Yep...I'm back...humour returning.

We can beat this girlie....together!

Hugs Sue xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Joan,

Thanks 4 ur kind words on my diary 🙂

U r such a kind and caring person Joan, u deserve nothing but happiness 🙂

Have a gr8 nite xxxx

Good Morning Joan

Thanks for your post on mine 😉

Your post was so good to read, i could see lot's of you in me, the wants and needs, the wanting to change so much but really never having that urge to put it into place!

But hey , you know if we did'nt want to do these things even if we don't get there straight away i reckon we would be pretty boring creatures!

Hope the time with the oh was just fab and that with patience (what's that lol ) life will slowly but gradually turn around to where we want it too be!

Hugs Joan and hope the fall over your way is better than this side cause we have had dreadful weather!

Keep Strong

Lucy xxxxxx

Yo,

o*g..........

I am 52 , I am lazy , never excersized in my life . Am defo larger than I should be by far . Do I give everything and more to my work and my family ??

I too have a addiction to everything that's not good for you . Could we be twins , separated at birth ????

I recon and take what you want from this and bin the rest as Rachel would say .

When I first joined this site , I would read some of the posts and think right I should give up smoking , I should start running ( never gonna happen ) , I should go back to GA, I should see a councillor , I should stop worrying I should stop eating chocolate , I should , I should, I should . Cause not to do so , some how meant I was not matching up, not throwing everything and more at this , like I was seeing so many on this site doing .

Slowly , very slowly , I began to accept me , I have a compulsive personality , wished it was for good things like excersize but it ain't . So I try to manage whats ever is in the forefront , defo keeping gambling and excessive drinking at the back of the queue .lol

It ok to be you Joan, that's what's makes us special . You are kind , funny , generous and loyal. All those qualities and more I have seen from you .

Try not to raise the bar tooooo high for yourself , be kind to yourself , like yourself, cause we do !!!

Big hugs Hun, wonder if our birthdays are on the same day ? Lol

Shiny xxxxxxxxxx

Oy ..you twins...remember lil wayward sis here....lol

hiya Joan..

Just a flyer to say good morning hun and wishing you a peaceful day xxx

hugs

R and D xx

Hi Diary: This day started out so, quiet and calm. I'm sitting with a steaming cup of my favorite joe this morning getting ready to write on my diary when all at once I hear buzzing. All I can manage to say about all of this now is: BEES!! All over the house!! I've been running around like a maniac with a fly swatter killing yellow jackets all day. I'm waiting for an exterminator to call back. What a nightmare. No time for urges today --I have been a busy bee. 😀 To anyone reading my diary have a great night. Say no to that liar, that thief -- gambling. joanxxx

Hi Joan,

Thanks 4 ur kind words on my diary. It means alot rite now 🙂

Ur words r so comforting, I hope u get rid of the bees soon 🙂

Stay strong xxxxxxxx

G'mornin Diary,

Well, survived yesterdays bee calamity. The bee man is coming to remove the hive tonight -- so, another day armed with a swatter. These are not lovely little honey bees either. These are yellow jackets that dart around frantically by the windows trying to get back out. The sound of them buzzing gives me the heebie jeebies. It makes me sad to have to swat at them but, one of my dogs is allergic to bee stings. I have to protect her. I really hate killing things.. Not feeling like myself today at all. Not negative, or positive. Maybe the best word to describe how I am feeling today is numb. Maybe a little tired too. Tired of fighting addictions/compulsions. I'm thinking a conversation I had yesterday with my mom about art and why I gave up painting and drawing may have something to do with my mood. It's a very long story. Maybe someday but, not today. Maybe, I will go listen to some music. Music is a friend in need. When I was a kid that was one of the things that saved me.. music. I like to paint and draw with music blaring in the backround.. Anyway, not making much sense today.. just my random thoughts. Also thinking about Charlotte and hoping she is okay. I cant think of the right words to say to her but, am rooting for her today -- saying a little prayer.. To anyone reading my diary, today, say no to gambling. We don't need gambling. We have eachother. -joanxxx

Hi Diary,

I am in a slightly better frame of mind. It occurred to me that these little chats that I have with my mom although very healing/theraputic in one way, are very intense and almost like a year's worth of psychotherapy in 3 hours. I need time to process afterwards. So, maybe mom and I need to lighten up a bit. 🙂 They say Rome was not built in a day and I am sure it will be awhile before mom and I get things sorted to where we are both feeling safe and comfortable in eachother's space. No gambling urges. The worst has been and remains around the weekends which starts on Thursdays and ends Sunday nights. Making plans helps enormously. Friday maybe P and I could go to the Topsfield fair. We dont have a load of money but, we could go to just walk around. Saturday is Canadian Thanksgiving and we are invited for a feast at our friends house. Sunday is the day we do all of our chores like shopping and laundry.. Monday is a holiday so, maybe just a little bit of down time? We'll see.. It's tricky b/c today is an hour by hour kind of day.. not, feeling like gambling but, am pensive and raw from "little chat" and want to "eat about it". Will think of something to keep me busy here today. I could find something to clean or sort out I'm sure. I am grateful to have this time to take better care of our home. Bottom line: I have the same pants to get glad in so, here goes... 🙂 -joan

hey Joan...

Missed a few of your posts there...not sure how bt seen them now so alls good..

Bees...well, we have a shortage over here they say...but I know what you mean...think im still traumatised by that film from years ago especially when they start swarming...scary

One time my pal got the queen lodged in a chimney stack after the hive was dislodged and the whole swarm came down the chimney..not good and potentially deadly.

I would imagine your chats with your Mum take a lot out of you and are exhausting some days Joan...I guess that you are trying to explain now to your Mum things that may have happend in the past and the reasons why you reacted as you did.

I cut my family off for 10 years once...total radio silence...and went through a similar process of healing...Some of it is still not understood but i have to accept that now that some things they will never -"get". When i visit them if it gets a bit too raw,I make sure i switch the conversation to something light like a TV story line or something in the newspaper but its more tricky when you are under the same roof.

Its better it comes out in bits like letting a bit of steam out of a pressure cooker as if the whole lot comes out in one go it would be too much and bring it all back again.

The SAD thing affects us at different times doesnt it?..im not as bad as I used to be and i didnt get a lightbox cos i know what it is now and am prepared for it mentally....I think we should all stop work in winter and hibernate..like the bears..lol

Have a great time on sat at the Canandian Thanksgiving..I spent a few months in Vancouver in my 30's and got to know my loonies from my toonies!

Create a "Joan" space for yourself hun...where you can feel safe and not be disturbed...,This site for me is my shed at the bottom of the garden.... cybershed!!

hugs and bigger hugs

R and D xxx