Angel From Montgomery

Thanks Sis! I will attempt a repost later..

Diary:

I used to hollar "unclean!" prior to posting about a slip. Slippage is very unpopular and highly frowned upon. I used to feel like "a leper". Oh, I'm still deeply afflicted. But, today, I don't feel shame. I'm healing from the inside out. My exposed skin still marred with pox, bruises, and scars. I don't use concealers. Take a good long look! I'm healing from the inside out. One day abstinence will come more easliy I suppose because it won't be abstinence. It will be more like breathing. Until then, understand that I am healing. Not, concealing. Maybe there are days whenI think some of you are going about all of this a**e backwards. Does it really matter? I don't think so...

Hey girl!

Healing from the inside! I love this thought ☺

Some choices are being made recently...not very proud ones but we must keep moving on.

I looked at my posts today. 4 years on the forum!!! Wow....did i make progress? d**n right i did! Apart from slips, heartache, attachments and pain...i would never ever change or give up the experience i had while i was part of community on here!

This site helped me to dig deeper. Question myself, ask for help and so on.

4 years later i have no debt (juuuust)....i have my own place, i am healthy and fit (lol....juuusssttt). Also...4 years later i feel stronger than i did before. I may still not be perfect but i shall take it. I am me...& it's only one of me and d**n i love this girl because she has good kind heart and well intentions.

I also am grateful for getting to know you dear Sis...people comes and goes in life, however every single one leaves a footprint in our hearts.

I guess the ramble is - take a good care of yourself because you my dear friend are worth peace and harmony in your life.

Thank you for being you...never change and stay self authentic...we love you for who you are 😉

Hugs (((((((((J)))))))))

Shhh, don't tell but I'm digging not being a robot too...Something quite satisfying about that tick 🙂

Hi Sis,

Thanks for the post! Ihope you have a great day...sun is up over here in UK ☺...may it's rays travel over the pond to reach you too!

Hmmm..yes, robot thing. I ha e a Q: You know when they ask you to tick the street signs...is it me or you do need to include the post together? Still seems to work lol...5 goes & different images later :-))))))))) ...or those numbers you need to pick..please tell me they're blurred else i may need to pay a visit to Specsavers!

Have a lovely and peaceful day Hun!

S x

Hello Diary,

Took a page out of Kelly's book and decided to get busy living. I could sit at home all day saying the rosary pleading the heavens to bring Patrice home safely from conference in Florida or just suck it up and go with her. I am desperately afraid of flying. I did it! I'm here in sunny Orlando having the time of my life. Rediscovering that after 18 years she is "still the one". I have a reoccurring dream about getting lost somewhere in an unknown environment. No cell phone to call out of and when I have one I can never seem to get it to work. It's a horrible dream. I'm getting older and instead of getting bolder I am becoming more fearful about being in my own in this world. At one point I considered taking myself off of my blood pressure and cholesterol meds. I thought about letting go. I ran away instead. Numbed out in front of a slot machine and my codependent sort of went along for the ride. Patrice and I need some work and we realize that. Maybe not formal counseling but, attention. Sometimes taking one another for granted. At other times despairing about the obscenity of loss. We are soul mates. To the eye rolling souls I say; don't knock it until you've tried it. Not sure where any of this is going but today I'm here and not obcessing about loss. I'm trusting in life my higher power. Que sera sera.

Hi Sis,

Lovely post! How are you recently?

Am still waiting! 😉 (ya know what for...don't b a stranger)

S x

Get busy living Joan, it's the future 🙂

WOW you getting yourself on that plane & what an honour that you have taken something from my share...I am chuffed!

I have a similar nightmare in that mine is the inability to dial the correct number when I'm in mine...I believe even 999 has proved problematic over the years but it's been a while & I don't always remember my intricate details (sadly not even when I've dreamed a best seller). Thanks for putting lost into that equation for me.

Hope you are finding the time for the attention your relationship deserves & yes, que sera sera indeed. I loved that post #2627!

Diary:

I don't even know where to begin. No gambling ffs. That's the first thing right?? Gambling is the least of it. It always was. The addiction is the tip of the iceburg. I have been on a down bound train since retuning from Florida. I had an upper respiratory infection compounded by asthma. Took antibiotics and prednisone and still can't get my a**e up out of this bed. Out of this mental funk. Anxiety and panic makes it nearly impossible for me to sort between what's real and what's imagined. I'm missing work for the first time. I have always been able to get myself in. That's why I say down bound train. Over thinking? Of course. That's always a piece of it for me. I believe I have been working up to this place I'm in. Constantly worrying. Afraid to live and afraid I might die. Afraid of losing Patrice. I'm a basket case. Today I go back to see the NP. Last time I went Patrice came into the examining room with me. Sometimes I think this leaves the doctor with the impression that I'm nuts. Patrice comes for moral support and tonremind me of details I might have missed. I think I will ask her to hang out in the waiting area today. I need to get back on the right path. I need to get back to work! Prednisone is a mean drug. I guess I needed it to reduce the inflammation in my upper airway BUT I think it has compounded my anxiety and now I cannot tell which end is up. God help me.

& breathe sweets...in & out. Nothing catastrophic is happening, you have unloaded some c**P worrying you..world is still turning around huh.

I wish i could relate to you more girl. I'm not scared of stuff happening to me..only until it happens and shooks me up. Like last night for example..felt it coming as energy levels shifted a little...& boom, I'm collapsing to the ground during the meeting :-/..don't know what happened in those few seconds..or was it minutes..just black out...maybe exhaustion.
Mind and body are powerful assets girl. They sends us signals constantly, the way we react to them builts that bridge ahead & determines the future.

The fear of fear. I remember my counsellor telling me this. We tend to see things ten times worse...of course half of time we don't help ourselves by creating some shiteee situations too. ..it's not that bad in the end as it looked before that huh.

As of work..girl... - f**k them! & that tyrant lol. You need to put yourself first and if that means time off work, plenty of R&R, visit to docs and back to R&R ...let it be! Time to look after yourself!

Saying me...prepping for 13hr shift lol..but hay - weekend just round the corner.

Please please look after yourself and take your own wonderful advice on board.

I'm here when you need to chat...unconditionally!!!

Remember..happy body - happy mind! Look after both xxx

It's official. I have cracked..

Imagine, making an effort to be mean.. I'm a lot of things. But I'm not mean. I'm not some troll.

Diary:

I guess on a positive note: being older and not as computer savvy as some.. I managed to see through the on-line gaming bull s very early on. Never took. I know that I don't really have 100 friends. I CAN count the number of true friends I have on one hand. I feel blessed to have each and every one of them in my life. I enjoy one to one face to face conversations. Doesn't take any balls to carry on on Facebook and other forms of social media. Takes more balls to admit when your wrong. When you're feeling weak sick or sad. Anybody can hide behind a screen and bull s. I'm still trying to figure out how to delete my words from SA 's page. I guess that makes me a laughable old fool.

Hun..go bk to your post on SA page. Press edit...delete what you want and post it again. (Gotta do robot again I'm afraid).

Hope this helps..

Always listening so just keep spitting ☺ xx

Thanks ((((((((S))))))))) and for some others kindness is natural and effortless. xx

Like breathing.

I come on here and reach for my diary on bad days. It's the right choice. Isn't it? I have suffered a mini breakdown. I say mini because I am able to speak in sentences and I am not in the hospital. I'm not myself either. Life unfolds one minute at a time. I am continuously reminded of how little control any of us really has in any given moment. I came to a realization about myself while away. The arrow of truth stuck me right in the forehead. I am suicidal but not in the conventional sense. Maybe that's the wrong word then. Self destructive is not strong enough. Maybe that's why people who are "other destructive" are so baffled by my behaviors. So turned off. So repulsed. Scott Peck wrote about two types of people. People who lash out and people who implode. I have been given a gift. This life is a gift. I have been wasting it by trying to hurt myself. For the better part of my life I'm afraid. Now the calculators are gonna want to know what I'm gonna do about it. Show me the plan. Show me the numbers. I'm doing something right this moment. I'm standing face to face and toe to toe with my worst enemy. Me. I see this miserable creature in others but it is and has always been me. Trying to "get" me. It's a cold raw day. But, I'm here. Grateful because one woman's reaction to boredom is another woman's epiphany and maybe catalyst for change.