Angel From Montgomery

Hi Kelly,

Having a hell of a time signing in today.. anyway, you know who has obviously been spying because I f****d up royally on Friday night. I simply lost the plot and dove in head first. No excuses. No one to blame but myself. When I get scared my mind is in such darkness. The choices I make always bad ones. Blocks are easily gotten round. I simply hit the self destruct button and everybody knows the rest.

Choices you make are not always bad ones Sis! You know that!

World is full of S***e, pain, insecurities and anger....yet it also offers love, understanding, sympathy, warmth and calm around you...

Depends what you want to see in front of you ☺..i am sure as hell you will keep those eyes peeled open for the right things ahead...

Besides....bloody Nag NAAAAGGGGG 😉

B good

S x

A lazy share of a song I like.

Take care Joan

https://youtu.be/UcQP8ARioVc

Well, that was a bad choice but a choice made that you can't unchoose so pick yourself up, dust yourself off & put one foot in front of the other because you can! You have survived this 5h1t before Joan & I don't know what the answer is but I know you can't let this beat you. You've had 4 days of punishment over this choice, only you can decide to walk out of your self condemned prison sentence...Gambling will have kicked you hard enough, no point picking up that mantle!

Chin up Joan, we're rooting for you - ODAAT

Thanks Kelly. I accidentally hit the "abusive" button scrolling through the page. 😮 what a douche! Sorry Kelly. Sorry Admin. I just polished off a sleeve of butter crackers. Gambling and food!!! Something is up. I will figure this out. I had a similar mental event last year almost around the same time. w*f??

Diary:

Struggling with Captcha. Let's try this again..

Diary:

Breast cancer screening. Then Breast cancer diagnostic testing and every 6 months surveillance since 2015. I get overcome with anxiety and when it's all over I run to the casino. Wrap myself in it like a warm blanket. It's not a warm blanket. I'm like the kid with fresh cigarette burns on my arms screaming and reaching with both arms extended to an abusive parent as the social worker carries me away. I reach for abuse because it is familiar.

More:

Poor me? No. It is what it is. Does this slip cancel out every step in the right direction I have ever taken? No. I don't beat myself anymore. Healthier coping strategies. Some days it's so clear. I can actually see Jesus walking on the water reaching out to me. Two steps later he is raising me up by the hair out of a dark and churning sea with that same sad strained look on his face he says, "why are you afraid?" I don't know, Jesus. I just am. Sometimes it feels like every day is like that..

Last thought I suppose. Life breaks us all . And through it all I will remain hopeful.

Diary:

The sun set and morning came. Hallelujah! It didn't have to. Folks on here talk a lot about escape. I would go along with that. For me a bigger piece is attachment. And what tends to go along with it. Expectation. Disappointment.

Acceptance is kicked around a lot. I would go along with that. For me it's not a tick the box and move on kind of thing. It's a moment by moment kind of thing. I mentioned Jesus the other day and got away with it. Lol. Maybe I will push it then. There was a guy who understood balance! All of the Christian dogmatic c**P attached to the man I never bought into. But, Jesus as a man and historical figure. I've done some studying on. Actually took classes with Dominic Crossan back in the early 1990's before he went all "History Channel". Anyway, just unedited free association today. Sometimes I come to the diary to just empty my head. It rained like a MF yesterday and today it's so clear and bright and beautiful. Washed clean. Sometimes when I read the words "he is so deserving" of peace. Or, "she is so deserving" of happiness. I am reminded that we are all deserving of all good things. There he is again with his arms opened wide. Here I go again taking those steps onto the stormy sea. Will I sink? We will see. "Happy people don't fail. They learn".

Reading a good post there that I no doubt will go back on as I await my full English with which I ordered 3 hours ago. A irrelevant bit of info there by the way.

Anyway a friend shared this yesterday ' When it rains, search for a rainbow. When it's dark, search for a star '

How are those stormy waters Joan...You need to stop trying to walk on them you know & get yourself a fancy bodyboard, it's very good for the soul!

Thought I would share that I marched myself right into a breast screening van the other day, in my mind on your excellent advice...Not often these days that I'm too young for anything but I said a silent prayer that I don't have to go through the sustained worry that you are subjected to. So, no, of course this stupid choice doesn't cancel out all your good ones but it didn't help you, you know that, so you do need to keep working on a different mechanism. Keep learning my friend - ODAAT

Thanks Kelly. Good on you for getting that mammo girl. Although, don't get me started on what I think about the "other side" of cancer screening. Waffle waffle..

Diary:

I believe our souls are perfect. I believe our souls have fathomless capacity. I believe they are bound by this physical world. Our bodies and brains are flesh and therefore helplessly flawed. It has been proven that things are not as they seem when it comes to our 5 senses. Even the best of us have feet of clay. Is it possible that It is mind over matter? For thousands of years we have been taught to believe otherwise. Our souls can fly and dance on the water. I suppose I'm just babbling today or maybe walking in my sleep. Dreamstates or meditative states provide some connection to this other than physical realm. I dream because I can. Dream on!

P.S and no John, you are not the only one..

Sat on a static river boat, Sunday paper on table in the company of a cold pint and was wondering what could be the cherry with my ear phones on, then -

https://youtu.be/fUy2AtjmshQ