Angel From Montgomery

Thanks Paul

Diary:

Trying not to let stuff bring me down. Trying to focus on what's good and what's right. When I get dark I reach for the Fukitol. One dose is lethal. I have everything I need and more. Every little thing IS gonna be alright. Yeah. It is.

Diary:

Challenges at work: the unknown. New sheriff in town means heads will roll. Where I work it feels like an episode of Big Brother. One goes from weak to week wondering "am I safe?" Ridiculous. Like a lot of people I take my share of P**s off of people. I am to breathe and remain calm. Frankly the world we live in today is nutz. Be positive. Yes I believe that positivity will attract positivity. I don't believe a painted on smile is positivity. If I can bleed my thoughts and feelings onto this page. Purge the negativity I might have a shot at peace today. I did a much better job confronting my fears this week. I brought my cercerns directly to people and found out that my fears at this time were not founded. I am in the budget this year so technically I have a job if I want it. Vice President from hr was very kind but the man above me had to remind me that my pay comes out of HIS budget. He didn't come right out and say it but wants me to know that we are all expendable. So I reminded him that I can do what I do anywhere. I don't have to sing for my supper. Commitment from me means I need commitment from you. He came back with if anything changes you will be the first to know. I will take that over whispers in the hall. But, in my mind he still got his "you are expendable" point across. If something cheaper comes along he will more than likely push me out. Whatever, the point is I put myself out there. I didn't stuff my concerns/feelings/fears. Living the life of a corporate slave or indentured servant sucks. It's a low grade pressure. I know that God loves a cheerful giver. That's what poor catholic kids were taught. I'm all grown up now. It's called a value for a value. I know what I bring to the table. I know what my offering is worth. Pay me my money down! ( Bruce Springsteen). Rationalization: if I earn my own money I earned the right to spend it however I choose. Truth: Gambling is a mugs game. The odds are deliberately against the player. The house is designed to be the winner. The games I play are designed to manipulate a part of my brain that predicts. It's a mindfuck because we cannot predict the outcome of a random event. Game on!! Money gets lost and the feeling of panic sets in. Not because the money is gone but because the brain is not finished playing. Tortured at work and mindfucked at the casino. Poor me? No, simply stating the facts. It's been a long learning process for me. I keep going because through it all I love my life. I have a soulmate to share my hopes and dreams with who accepts me warts and all. We are childless by choice. We have our pets and ma to look after. Nobody ever goes without. We still slip from time to time. And every time I get a little bit closer to finding out who I am and who I would like to be. We are all flawed. We all have business here. I'm here so of course it is my intention to remain clean today? Will I? One foot in front of the other. By the grace of God. What did Dan say? One minute one breath at a time. -joan

Just a ((((((J))))))) ☺

I wondered today what would we do if we seen the future?....would we choose the paths we chose?..Sometimes we would...because at some point those painful paths gave us happiness and smiles...

However it does end in pain huh...

....what would you choose if you knew the outcome already Hun?

Something for me to mull over too.

Just for today ☺...please girls - stay safe! For your own peace of mind

B&S xx

P.s. thank you for taking me back xx

Diary:

I think having expectations gets to me every time. The way I build s**t up inside of my head. Inevitably it all comes crashing down. My mind is in darkness. Feel like taking a baseball bat and leveling the place. Just gotta catch my breath. Set the anchor. Ride out the storm. Then regroup.

i must have left my diary just like that poor old gal's cake- out in the rain..

I find myself this morning in an agitated state. Gambling urges don't bother me unless I'm fresh off a stint. They are always there. I used to blame everything and everyone else for my BS. Triggers. Yeah, right. Back to this agitation thing. It's not comfortable but it's not kidney stone pain either. Anticipation is a factor. Tuesday is a long way off and who says I will even be here to see it's dawning? Addicts like myself are deep into excuses and BS. I'm getting better at spotting my own BS. That's a good thing. Now I've got MacArthur Park playing in the background. Minds are complicated and clever. Maybe what I'm feeling is nothing more than just wakefulness. Anticipation needs to give way to wonder. Just let the day unfold. Moment by moment.

Chinese take out. Strawberry sundae for dessert. Some tv and then sleeps. Normalcy.

Diary:

It's one of those days where I wake up numb and wind up feeling raw in a matter of hours. Yes, it's true that I choose to fritter away my hard earned money. It's true that I choose to stuff myself with unhealthy food. Knowing that on days like today is no consolation. I will put forth my best effort today.

Diary:

Hanging out. Watching movies with my partner. Slowly normalizing. Gambling is not an option. May not walk the perfect line where snacking is concerned but won't eat if I'm not hungry. Everything is gonna be alright.

Hello World,

Experience on this forum has taught me that maybe "diary" is the wrong word. Anyway, I now reserve any real heart to heart communications for people in the 3rd. Cyberspace is a tricky place. Without eyes (the windows to the soul) to gaze into, I'm afraid I will never be able to fully trust. And, boundaries are healthy. Right, right, progressssss: no gambling to report.

Diarrhea of the mouth. A figure of speech or real disease? Discuss! 😀

Morning World:

Time to tap out a few on the old recovery blog. A place where I can speak my mind and folks can apply their thumbs up or down. They can even toss me a middle finger through tinted glass as they whiz by on life's cyber highway. I'm getting better at establishing boundaries. It's taken me a life time to know that I don't have to please everybody. I don't have to be "liked" by everybody. And, I don't have to take on board everything that is said. I can be myself and keep my spirit in tact without hiding behind and being weighed down by heavy armor. Feeling stepped on was one of many excuses I used to keep using. People get tired of hearing memes like "when they go low, we go high". I appreciate that one. I have felt so heavy for so long. It's nice to set some of this baggage down. To travel lighter. To rise!after sinking so low. I will let the reader my judge and jury decide whether I'm gambling or not. I know what's true. Feeling stronger every day.

Morning World:

Whatever you do today don't gamble your hard earned money away. Don't hate on yourself. Addiction feeds on self loathing. Don't hold onto hurtful things that others do or say. The seeds of addiction thrive in the acidic soil of resentment. Instead show yourself some love. If you're working recovery be patient with the process. None of us are perfect. Most of us are good people who just go a little nutz sometimes. Breathe.

Amen to that Sis.... ((((((J&P )))))) xx

Morning World:

Seems it's true what's been said. The more things change, the more things stay the same. Like travelling wifhout a compass. You think you are walking in a straight line but wind up right back in the same place.Recovery from an addiction any addiction requires real change. When I was a kid I got into the habit of eating when I wasn't hungry. When I was a young teen I became anorexic and took up smoking and drinking alcohol. By the time I was 30 I was on my way to becoming an alcoholic. I quit smoking and drinking. When I was in my late thirties I discovered slot machines. Within 10 years my partner and I wracked up a gambling debt of 30,000. We paid off the debt. We try to stay away from the slots because we know what the monetary consequences will be. Worse is the lost time. We never gambled away the mortgage and always have food and gas. What you would call the essentials. But gambling addiction is progressive. We have accumulated another debt albeit not nearly as large but a debt just the same. So back to quitting. Since stopping I'm reaching for the sugar again and so it goes... I suppose it's taken me this long just to become aware of the circle I have been walking in. I get distracted. This forum can be distracting. Some distraction is good. Some say it's better than gambling. I say, is it? Action is action. Distraction is distraction. Lost time is lost time. If you stick around here long enough you will see the great circle of GC. 😀 So, world. I'm off to begin another day. "To thine own self be true."

Howdy Judy

Nice post. I agree sort of, distraction is distraction. It's all avoidance and what are we avoiding?

Certainly all avoidance results in the loss of time. But there is obviously a distinction between, say, gambling and spending time on here. There's a lot less harm being done by spending time on here. It's relatively benign, as long as you don't harbour illusions that being on here actually equates to serious change and recovery.

Spending time on here is problematic if we start believing that time spent on here amounts to recovery. Time on here can be compulsive as it's an escape into some 'other world'. A whole society contained on the click of a button - where we can people watch and participate in without any real come back. Which is fine for what it is.

ps. Am watching with a mixture of fascination and horror at what's happening on your side of the pond. Truly crazy times. I think I would be hard pushed to even think of anyone with a worse skill set for leading the free world?!

Morning World:

Recovery Blog time. So many e-post cards like fallen leaves blowing in the cyber wind. "The answer my friend is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in the wind.." I continue to struggle but, I expect to struggle a little every day. It ain't all or nuthin. Somebody says "yes" so that must mean once a yes always a yes. Somebody says no and that makes them a negative putz. All or nothing thinking has sunk many a good ships lollipop. Whatever it takes to stop gambling do it ffs! Know that once you've reached the top of that mountain there will be many more mountains to climb. There is no end to the climb. No end to the road. Some days you will laugh. Other days you will cry. Some days you will fall down. It ain't all or nuthin. if the climb is never ending there's no need to run. Take it easy. Some days it's baby steps. If someone passes you on the road without breaking their stride without acknowledging you understand how vulnerable they are. Don't assume you are the slow one. If you see somebody riding backwards on their horse say nothing. Leave them in peace. Somebody is bound to offer you a Bible when what you really need is a hand to hold onto or a cool drink of water. There is a vast difference between empathy and pity. Don't offer somebody a steak when they are choking. Oh and a little humility goes a long way. That's not the same thing as beating yourself up. There's a difference. Celebrate and chest bump! There's nothing wrong with a party. Just take a minute to be truly grateful and don't forget about that amazing grace and how sweet that sound of silence can be. Sometimes.. if you're an addict you more than likely hurt more than just yourself. Understand why they aren't clapping for you every time you made the right choice. Maybe for them it's just a cold and broken hallelujah...maybe im blowing smoke out of my backside or I'm just riding backwards to keep the peace. I know what's true. Be true.