Angel From Montgomery

Hi there poorly person.

Thanks so much for reaching out from your sickbed, much appreciated as it sounds like you are having a real rough time.

Can't believe I got away with the damage limitation yesterday, shows my f*** you head is getting too tight these days as could never have walked away before with a cash card in my pocket.

I could not live with anyone at the moment as too selfish but does feel like some times it would be nice to hand over the responsibilty for stopping to someone else as in them controlling the finances but then I would end up telling them to mind their own f***g business so would be on a loser any which way.

Glad the steam bath worked, I do that with a tea towel over my head with friars balsam when bad, seems this cold weather is endless and makes the joints ache so as well, we were using sun lotion this time last year, crazy world.

Anyhow sending virtual boxes of balsam tissues and hoping you are back to full health very soon.

xxx

Hi Diary:

My new motto is whatever it takes and tonight that means posting another entry. What I would do in the past is go to facebook and play around with games. I would tell myself that this was not gambling because I was not really spending money except for maybe an occasional 8 bucks here or 8 bucks there. The problem is this might lead to a 25 dollar stint at an online casino. I hate online casinos so, this would eventually lead me into a brick and mortar establishment and the rest as they say is history. So tonight instead of doing the same d**n thing expecting a different outcome I have chosen to come here and confess. I must say it feels good to get that out. That is how I have managed to inch back each time. Then I would say to P let's try to set a limit. C'mon for fun. Well, the truth is I cannot remember the last time I actually had fun at a casino. It was a very long time ago. Years in fact. I'm looking forward to having money again. I'm looking forward to a day when P and I can retire. I think when I finish this post I will go to the web and look up RVing and start planning our long ride into the sun. Urge to act out safely put in its place. Gonna start planning my future! G'night everybody! -joanxx

Well glad your feeling a bit better and that cold be easing up a bit. Spring and fall always seems to knock me on my a-ss. Lol glad your holding strong and making better plans for yourself down the road.

Hey Joan,

Was just reading your double post from yesterday. I love how you said whatever it takes. Sometimes we have to battle this addiction in a single moment or hour by hour. Warmed me to read you are doing just that.

I have not been great at posting lately but I have continued to read. You really have been through it lately but what defines you is your ability to pick yourself up and fight on. You are a wonderful person to have around this site, you are honest and tell it from the heart.

I hope this virus passes very soon. Stay strong and keep getting those thoughts down on here.

Flagg

Hey Hun..

Sending a big antiviral blast of the good stuff to keep that shitola at bay...!

You are doing great Joan and i love hearing your thoughts and where you are in your recovery ,the whole picture ..good days ,not so good days ..but you are stonger than you think and I know that you will process things a day at a time ...

R and D xx

Hey Joan,

Glad your doing great and taking the rights steps. Keep those dreams of RVing in the forefront! I hope you have a great day.

Chicagoguy

Like you say ironic to call it having fun, guess that guy kicking the machine was kidding himself he was having fun too and would tell himself that the next time and the next time too. Wierd my f*** you head convinced me for those few moments I would have fun as like you know it is the beginning of the end once hooked in.

I play computer games as well but not any involving money, just the fantasy puzzle ones as they keep my geriatric mind awake and focus me away from danger. Plus my grandchildren enjoy them so a winner on several levels.

I love planning, whether it be travels, developing my garden or renovating the house, sometimes more rewarding than the final result as down to the imagination which has no limits.

Hope you are recovering quickly back to health and thank you so much for supporting me despite my blip.

xxx

Thanks everyone.

Hi Diary:

It's suppertime!!! Gotta run but, happy to say gamble freeeeeeeeeeeeee!! -joanxxxx

Good Friday Morning Diary:

This is the first day in two weeks were I got up feeling almost human. Yeehaa. My addict brain takes alot for granted, has huge expectations, senses mountains of disappointment, and breeds tuckloads of resentments. I am not in addict brain this morning. I watched the 3 Faces of Eve yesterday and was just thinking; wouldnt it be great if one day I could just wake up and that addict personality of mine would be completely gone? For me, in the beginning it is about getting through the time be it minutes, hours, or days and then once on track to learn how to live again. Crawling, taking baby steps, falling down, getting back up, suffering some, no lots of growing pains, setting goals, and then taking strides toward achieving those goals. Chicago's post about maturity comes to mind. When I allow my addict personality to take control I am like a screaming five year old who does not know when to go home, or to stop eating sweets, demanding, expecting, and cries when she loses a game!! I'm wearing my big girl bonnet today 😀 Anyway, I am awake and alive. I was given the gift of another day; another opportunity to maybe count the minutes, the hours, or crawl, walk upright, experience some growing pains, set goals and take strides... All in a day. Today, another opportunity to do the right thing. The choice is mine, and it is simple. No gambling! If the choice is not simple then count the minutes, the hours, crawl out of the hole, and begin again by taking those baby steps.. all in a day. Today, the only day that matters... -joanxxxxx

Good morning almost human person, so glad you are feeling better and on the mend in every which way.

Remember a while back describing what you said today, wanting to scream and shout and stamp my foot like my grandchildren have been known to do when it is just not happening and at 62 not a pretty sight.

For me this forum has been a saviour in many ways as the understanding and insight everyone has enables me to see things in a different way and not give up so please keep on with the entries as very selfishly I need all the help I can get.

Sending my virtual babywalker for you to borrow should you need it (it's a zimmer frame really disguised as a baby walker but don't tell anyone).

Waving frantically

xxx

Yo,

Great post Hun, can so relate to the split personality thing .

Today you chose not to gamble , good for you Hun.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend ,

Shiny xxxxx

Glad your seeing better days ahead of you and hope they just get easier as you go.

Hey Joan,

Your doing great and keep at it. I hope you and P have a very nice Easter. Keep that R.V. heading down that path of sunshine. Your gonna get there.

Chicagoguy

Day 14

Two weeks without a trip to the casino. Last night, I had a fleeting urge to go to the computer to play some slots on facebook. I resisted the urge and therefore was able to arrest the vicious cycle: Facebook + online slots + brick and mortar casino + a false belief that I can set a limit = FINANCIAL and SPIRITUAL ruin and back to day 1. Just like Bill Murray's character in the movie Groundhog Day! I have discovered that I have an addict brain/personality that can be easily triggered. In addict brain, I can be lazy, agitated, impatient, paranoid, self absorbed, entitled, resentful, a bore, and thin skinned. If every day is a stream of moments that taken together become the hours that make up a single day in the life of...then for me, being an addict, there are times when every second can be a crossroads. A choice to be made between being a rational adult or an addict. The "habit" is not gambling, or over eating, or smoking or drinking. It is in the choosing of the path of least resistance. It is harder for this addict to be open, kind, and creative when faced with day to day challenges. A puddle of pee on the floor? A broken appliance? An unexpected bill? A careless remark from P? I cannot believe how low my threshhold for day to day life has become. I am beginning to wonder if I ever learned how to cope effectively in an adult world? It's easier to just put a cookie in my mouth or to sit in front of the TV and numb out or, go into a cleaning frenzy so that I can justify the REWARD which turns out to be a punishment. Gambling for me is nothing more than a kick in the a ss with a steel toed boot. I'm entitled to this REWARD becaue I went to work today, because, I got through the day without throwing poo like a monkey, because I acted like a grown up.. oh gosh.. Slipping into addict brain and taking the path of least resistance is "the habit". Gambling is just the pacifier du jour. So what is the antecedent? Why do I go to Facebook in the first place? What is that unsettling feeling? What trigger's the compulsion/habit? Is it boredom? Maybe, but, what lies beneath the boredom? Nothing but me. Just me and the silence. One breath at a time. In that second there is a crossroads between sitting in the silence or filling it with noise. I cannot stand the sound of that deafening silence. The sound of my own heart beating. So, I reach for a pacifier anything to fill that void. It does not matter which one. A thumb is a cookie, is a cocktail, is a cigarette, is a t.v. set, is a computer, is a slot machine... and so it goes.. So now what? Now, I need to figure out when I stopped living? When was the last time I felt really happy? Today, I have a lot to think about and its funny but, gambling seems like the furthest thing from my mind right now. -joanxx

Well guess only that I can agree with everything ya written. Guess I deleted my Facebook account cause all I ever seen were more messages to play more slots in my emails. Lol hell still get a few pop ups on this phone but down loaded some app that says which ones send push messages and yeah delete them and get little to none now. Funny how this internet world can pick out those with problems and wanna make sure ya keep it I guess. Lol

Thanks for all your support and congrats on them free days.