Angel From Montgomery

Hi Diary,

Doing the work is never easy but, it sure pays off. The more I understand about myself, and why I do the self destructive things that I do the easier it gets. Reclaiming power over my emotions, thoughts, and actions and exposing gambling for what it has represented in my life up to this point feels kind of like Toto pulling the curtain exposing the little man behind the great and powerful OZ. It has never been about the gambling or the money. It has always been about feeling ok in my own skin regardless of the circumstances that I find myself in. I am competent and real. I am not a fraud. I have real talents and skills. I am loveable and worthy of this home, my relationship, my hourly wage, and happiness in general. I'm gonna keep doing the work and doing whatever it takes to stay clean. Wishing everyone a good night and an even better tomorrow! -joanxx

Joan.

Great post.!! if you could write an advertisement about how to stand and face addiction and conquer it, it is right there in black and white.

you are worthy, more than your addiction would ever credit you for.

great to see you stand and be counted.

me i stand alongside.together.

Inspired.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Duncs.

Good Morning Diary:

Day 15:

Looking forward to feasting and celebrating today. I hope everyone is doing well, and I am thinking positive thoughts for each and every one of you. We are all here for the very same reasons. Day 1 or day 1000, it does not matter. The choice we make today is the only one that counts. Love, joanxxx

Yo,

Firstly Happy Easter !

Secondly wow , just read your reward post .

You could of spent half hour talking to me , analysed me and written it word for word about me .

Crazy hay , I felt I deserved to rewarded by a bet, a f*g , half a bottle of rum , or 3 family sized choc bars .

The interesting thing I found in your post was setting it up . I used to say to my husband ok I will cover the shop for you . Be angry and resentful , and then I deserved a reward for being put upon . Funny really yes , meant feed the addiction , no would make me feel really guilty . So I would use that to feed the addiction . ( to escape those feelings) Either way addiction 1 Shiny 0 .

Your honesty in your post came shining through as always . It's a post I have copied and saved , to read through again , again.

No Easter eggs today , no one brought one 🙁 No surprise there . But you my dear friend most definitely gave me food for thought ! ( much better for my waist line and my brain I feel lol)

Thank you Joan

Shiny xxxxx

Well hey girl and hoping easter is good to you With Lots of chocolate and good eats. Congrats on your days.

Wanted to say how I enjoyed your description of pulling the curtain back to find the Wizard of Oz so right, the magic trick exposed.

Like you feeling better about myself at the moment after two steps forward only went one back so that's got to be a winner in anyones eyes.

Have eaten too much chocolate and feel sick as a pig but kidding myself it will give me energy.

Hope you are back to full health and have enjoye the holiday break.

xxx

Thanks Shiny, Soul, and Rainbows.

Hi Diary: Just got in from a long day back at work. It's a good tired I am feeling right now. I managed to present Day 1 of a 3 Day training. Not bad for a woman who could not get out of bed last week! lol. Oh well, I promised myself that I would write at least something in my diary every day. So, this is it for me today. No gambling today. No thoughts about gambling today. No desire to gamble at this moment. Looking forward to supper with P and mom. Love and strength to all! -joanxxx

Well hell its a challenge just getting through monday most weeks so presenting anything on top of it gets ya a A plus in my book. Lol

Hey Joan,

Hope you had a nice Easter. Glad your doing well and staying strong. Congrats on your achievement.

Chicagoguy

Thanks Soul, and Chicago!

Hi Diary:

Just checking in before I go to work. For me,the habit is in the reaction, to leap before looking, to speak before thinking. Letting emotions rule my thoughts and actions. To get upset, aggrevated, angry, and then reach for some kind of pacifyer because that would be easier. Today, I can openly admit that I can be a lazy s.o.b. when it comes to thinking and behaving in an adult world. Well, today, I choose not to take the bait. I am hitting the pause button. Let the world turn without me. My little opinions don't really add up to much anyway. lol. Got enough to do managing my own little planet today. I wish I could spend some time reading but, have to get ready to go in. Love and strength to everyone. Today is the only day that matters and as long as we are breathing there is time to turn it around. -joanxxx

Hi Diary,

Well I managed to get through the day. As for not taking the bait? Lol! First thing I get in there and the same fool that is never organized is still as unorganized as ever and I end up having to take up his part of the load. Did I find myself getting pi ss ed off?? Of course. Lol! I remember somewhere reading the definition of stress being: surpressing the urge to choke the living daylights out of some as s hol e who desperately needs it. Something like that. Well, anyway, I'm trying. No gambling. Stronger than ever in my conviction to stop for good. Love and strength to all. -joanxxx

Hi Diary,

Coming up on Day 18 and feeling pretty good about it. No, actually feeling great about it. I deserve credit for getting better so I am giving myself a pat on the back. Getting a better handle on why I do the things I do has helped. For years I was in victim mode because I just could not get past the pain, rage, and shame that I felt as a result of sexual abuse I endured as a child. There, I said it. I don't care anymore. I used to be ashamed to even put it in writing. Not any more. I could spend the rest of my life raging about this but, I no longer see the point. I could have wasted away and died like my brother or wound up in prison but, today I stand strong and proud. I am a survivor. I live for me now. I spent years of my life in therapy asking why me? I spent years of my life blaming my perpetrators for my inability to cope without alcohol to numb my pain. It was their fault that I lacked self confidence in EVERYTHING I set out to do. Well, to he l l with them and to he l l with that. I'm moving forward!!! So, that's me today. Trying to avoid the habit of just reacting to everyone and everthing around me like a cornered rattle snake. I am a proud 52 year old woman in recovery. Bring on the day baby!! Love and strength to everyone. Day 1 or Day 1000 it does not matter because today is the only one that counts. -joanxxx

Hi Diary,

I made it through another day at work. To be honest I struggled with editing that last post because putting those words out there made me feel a bit exposed I guess. I was feeling a little disassociated today as a result but, overall am glad to have it out there and out of me. I feel like I have lived the majority of my life feeling guilty for a crime I never comitted. Always second guessing myself. Never ever feeling quite good enough. Daily living was always up hill. I think I am beginning to understand now where my mind goes in the silence and why the sound of silence is so deafening to me. I have to tell myself it's going to be okay. That, I am okay and that the past is the past. I want to be happy and free. Oh well, still figuring things out. Will get there. Gambling is the furthest thing from my mind. Hang in there everybody. Love, joanxxx

Hey Joan,

Glad to hear you taking the reigns of that horse your sitting on. Good for you for moving forward and not allowing yourself to be held back anymore. Your a very strong minded person, grab ahold of that and use it to your advantage. Keep that picture of that R.V. up. I wish you the best in your recovery process.

Chicagoguy

Really powerful brave statements in your last few posts and with you all the way.

xxx