Thanks Stuart.
Realised I missed out on checking in yesterday but Day 18 today and everything still going okay. Did have a few random bursts of annoyance and anger, again maybe my brain readjusting to not being able to escape to gambling. Eventually that pasts and I feel a lot better now. Still watching the World Cup football, ocassional thoughts turn to gambling but nothing major, able to cope with it and move on and still enjoy the games.
Day 19, the test might ramp up for me right now because I have money in my bank account and not usually is the cue for me to go gambling. Time to gamble again. I guess payday is a period fraught with danger for every gambling addict and one you have to be conscious of. Reminder you can have the thoughts and urges but you don't need to put them into action, you can sit back and have control over your own actions you have to exercise your discipline and will and not go down the old familiar path that leads to misery. I think it's a good counterpoint to urge to think of all the guilt, shame and regret you feel after gambling and remind yourself about why it's never the answer, why it's never the right thing to do.
Day 22, not checked in here for a few days. But still going well, gamble free and all that. I talked about it a bit previously but I have to say it feels strange to have money sitting in their in my bank account, almost an alien concept to me. Always my money was in my gambling accounts or the money in my bank was always ring-faced as money I could gamble with. This I should add was my only one bank account which is a pretty ridiculous way to go about living. I'm lucky to have very few expenses at the moment, and honest always a very frugal person. But this now does open up avenues for saving up for something I could really use the money towards. I think gambling perhaps does in some way totally mess up your view on money, because basically all my gambling has been online it's always just been figures on a screen. Like you know it has financial value in the real world, but I don't suppose you are really taking it into the equation that much when you are sticking these bets in. Placed bets in the thousands just sort of nonchalantly there, without grasping the fact to probably 99% people on the planet that is a huge sum of money that they could use to greatly improve their life in someway. The amounts were only a way to ramp up the buzz or a thirst to increase my bankroll rapidly. Luckily I've never been one of those people to get into silly amounts of debt, although in fairness never really had the credit options available (maybe if I did I would have). Only ever a couple of hundred pounds in a overdraft (which is no longer on my account) plus small amounts I've had to borrow or owe people here and there. But overall I suppose no mountain of debt like I've seen can be a reality for some people. So now I am glad to say I've been gamble-free for this month and I'm debt-free and have a bit of money in my account, things are comfortable, there's no need to stress.
That's one thing I have noticed, life is going to seem more bland and boring for a while I think. I'm not getting the buzz and I have to be okay that. In truth I have always favoured a more serene and relaxed life, so it's kind of odd I would end up going do the gambling route. It made me wonder that maybe the reason I was going down the route was to try and be successful at something, with the added bonus of not having to leave the house. The concept of having a regular 9-5 job always frightened me and filled me with dread. I was always looking out for alternative and for a time earning money from gambling proved that but now I've realised I can't be trusted to control it, the only thing to do is to quit it and move forward.
Hi Fyodor
Great post. It takes around six weeks for the brain to fully repair so it's normal to feel bored and the addiction loves that. Have you tried doing a gratitude list in the morning each day ?
Obviously without gambling that frees up a lot of time so it's good if you can fill that with activities and replace the addiction with healthy dopamine.
I love the determination in your post and keep going, keep turning up on here and come to the chatrooms if you can
@h0jb3fsyvp Hi Fyodor.
I have just read through your diary so far and wanted to say a huge congratulations for getting through those really difficult few days/weeks 👏👏👏💪.
You mentioned latterly about payday. This used to be a huge trigger for me - often using most of it to gamble only minutes after it hitting my account!😱. Always thinking “yes, I can double this”. Later finding out that I couldn’t and even worse, I then had no money to pay my bills/feed myself 👎. It has been some time since this has happened to me/I have even thought about gambling my salary away (couldn’t think of anything worse to be honest anymore thank goodness).
I find that when new people like yourself come on here and mention about the prospect of being paid/tempted to gamble, it acts as a good reminder to me about those gut wrenching, churned up feelings in the pit of my stomach, lack of sleep, no money left for food and no bills paid! Even though these feelings are a thing of the past for me, it is still good to revisit them every once in a while to just show me how well I am doing and how much better my life is physically, financially and emotionally 👌.
May you continue to further that gap from your last bet and I wish you strength and determination in doing so 🙏.
Take it easy.
Pink Lady 🩷🍎.
Hi mate just read your diary you are doing amazing been in recovery since 2010 had many relapses on the way has others have mentioned it will 6 weeks plus for the brain to rewire i am 3+ having little debt to no debt is like a privledge some people believe debt is essential part of recovery i agree to disagree debt put a burden on recovery and adds another trigger having blocks is the bare minium with time life does get better for most people the financial side gets taken care off once u have some time away from a bet for me essentially gambling was costing me 70-80% of my salary i realised how quickly i managed to pay my debt off once i had a purpose stick to recovery and life will be great too👍
Thanks for the messages everyone, I'll use my day 23 update to reply to you all.
Hi Stuart, six weeks to repair the brain fully so good thing I'm about halfway. Trying to be patient with myself along the way, you can't expect things to get things back in order super quickly after spending twenty years at gambling, it's totally unreasonable. I'm not usually very good at patience, I don't think us humans are very much we want everything right now. The only thing you can do is to take small steps to rebuilding your life each day and the biggest part of that for me right now is simply not gambling. I do try and keep a gratitude journal yes Stuart, I think I find this does help although it's hard to put a finger on. A little bit like meditation I think it just makes you more aware and appreciative. Honestly think these should be a lifetime habit for most people and honestly it doesn't need to take much time, and it can literally be the difference between you partaking in bad behaviour and not. Knowing there is plenty of things to be grateful for in your life does lend itself to being able to zoom out on your life and realise that, wow there's so much more to life than gambling and that I don't need to make such a big deal out of quitting it.
Hi pink lady, appreciate you talking the time to read my diary. Yes the payday thing has been exactly me before as well, within a day or two of the money appearing I could have blown it sometimes. Then you have the horrible dread and the waiting till the next payday until you can repeat the sorrow circle all over again. Okay it wasn't always exactly the same every moth but it always ended eventually with me running out of money, that's always the pattern no matter how much I'd won I'd always gamble it up. Once I think I made £20,000 in a couple of weeks and I really battled with what I should do it with, I was thinking of quitting then and spending it all on something. But no in the end I decided to carry on gambling and eventually I basically lost it all straight back within a month of two. If anything that felt even worse than losing all the money straight away. I'm glad to hear you are in a much better place in your life now, not having to feel the dread and the guilt associated with gambling is a big driver for me too, I never want to feel like that ever again. It's really a horrible, sinking feeling. On top of this I realise all this stress can't be good for your long-term health, you are literally putting yourself into survival mood almost when you are left with no money. Thankfully in the modern world you can just about manage to get along somehow without starving yourself or anything like that. But that really is a low when you realise you've gambled your last pence when you need that money to pay bills and food. Thanks for the strength and determination, I'm feeling pretty good right now. I hope you continue to prosper in your life too.
Hi tazman, wow since 2010. Have to admit for most of us it's going to be a lifelong battle. Great to hear you have your debt sorted out. Again I mentioned this just previously but the stress you put on your life just isn't worth it. The more I think about it, pretty crazy we live in a world where you can take out credit and then gamble it if you wanted. There's no restrictions on that whatsoever really. Luckily getting in debt is at least something never been an issue for me. Gambling is pretty much a money sink for most people. Remove the gambling and you may begin to realise you are relatively rich! if not rich at least comfortably able to live. I know there's debate about the cost of living and the price of things going up. But if you are bringing in a wage each week, or salary each month I don't think there's any reason why you shouldn't be living comfortable. I am quite a frugal person so maybe other people would have different opinions on this but that's the way I see it. Give it what five years of not gambling anymore and I bet the average person could save up a lot more money than they ever realised. Having a solid financial life I think is a key cornerstone to leading a good life, and it doesn't have to be about being super wealthy it's just about having things in order so that you don't have to worry about money all that much. That for me is one of my goals from quitting gambling I want to be financial stable and not constantly worrying about money.
@h0jb3fsyvp i agree with you in terms of tbe financal side of things i would estimate gambling cost me 70-80% at my worst although i didnt go into debt was probably why i had so many relapses and i started getting paid weekly which didnt help has i was able to continue this madness on i actually work half has much as i use to and i am in much better off in terms of finances the worst thing is some people turned to match betting due to financal reasons and has gambling goes it not designed to generate an income so i do sympathise with people being bet free isnt going to solve the financial worries so i do consider myself to be in a privledge situation
Pink Lady, apple, I get it haha
Hi again tazman, yeah I suppose everyone has different financial situations so it will differ how much it is actually affection each individual. I just think gambling not only costs you in terms of money but also in terms of time and energy to better your life, which can also relate to financial as well. I feel removing gambling will have a knock on positive impact in every other area of your life also. I'm ashamed to say sometimes I wouldn't be present socially or with anything else other than gambling. I'd be constantly thinking about it. I would say I wasn't even enjoying watching sports as a spectacle it only became a means to gamble, to try and win some money.
Day 24, funny the England game was on last night and I heard some people talking about accumulators they'd put on for the game. I was thinking at the time they sound like decent bets, but then of course they all lost. I know it shouldn't make a difference either way but when I'm watching games and hearing of people lose bets on it, feels like it sort of validates my decision somehow. You losing bets would also make me an angry person, I'd never blame myself for putting on the bets , no, it would always be the fault of the players or the referee or the fact that I'm just unlucky. Easy to blame these and continue to gamble isn't it, not taking responsibility for your own actions. It's weird watching sports now, I would say it's taken on a different angle. I still care about it, but like the goals and the results hardly seem to matter much anymore, not when previously I've had big sums of money riding on the outcome and I'm full of anxiety and nerves wanting a particular outcome and sort of living every minute of the game. Watching is more a casual thing now for me.
Day 25, I was thinking it feels a lot longer than 25 days ago since I've started this commitment to gamble-free. Time is a funny thing and it doesn't always seem to flow evenly to me, if that makes sense. Although I try not to spend too much time thinking about the passing of time, the only important thing is the present and making the right decisions now. That's what I try and keep telling myself, there is some peace to that. You cannot change the past but making the correct decisions in the present now will lead you towards leading a better life and future. Only really casual minor urges at the moment, I think back to my gambling and I think maybe rather than avoidance of stress, which it certainly was some of the time, I think the main thing it solved was my boredom. This may be an easy issue to solve as there are plenty of other interests, hobbies and activities you can do that can keep your mind engaged and cast away your boredom. To be honest sometimes gambling just become this passive habit that I wasn't really putting a great deal of thought into. Always a bit dangerous when you put your life on auto-pilot like that, best to remain present and conscious. I'm still very determined to keep going on this journey, I know there'll be lots more benefits on the horizon if I keep going.
Hiya
Tine does go slowly at the start but you will also soon fill up your day and wonder where you had time to gamble
Keep going
@h0jb3fsyvp Well done Fyodor on your continued commitment in remaining g.f and getting through any World Cup urges 👏👏👏.
As you said, just stay in the present, even when watching the matches - just see it for what it is - a game and a game to sit, watch and enjoy, without spending/losing any money!👌💪.
Hope you have a lovely g.f weekend!🙏.
Take care.
Pink Lady 🩷🍎.
Hi Stuart, yes I'm sure my time will fill up with other thoughts soon enough. Maybe the best way way to fight urges in the long-run is fill your life and time with other interesting things.
Thanks PinkLady, yeah I'm able to enjoy the World Cup without feeling like I'm missing out on anything. I've been able to enjoy more the human side of the game which I think can be completely forgotten when you are gambling on sports. The players, the teams just become a means for you to try and win money and you are only focused on the result. I mean of course the result in is football important, but there's so many side-stories and personal stories all tied up in it. Always inspirational seeing teams who have looked defeated come back and win. In a way that is what we are looking to do by being gamble free, maybe you've lost every day for the past ten, twenty, thirty years or whatever it is. But you can still fight put in the work and win today. Only unlike sports you aren't up against a competitor the only thing you are up against is yourself.
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